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I'm only 18 and have slept with 28 guys, do I have a problem?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 September 2012) 14 Answers - (Newest, 13 September 2012)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Okay so I am an 18 years old female. I will be 19 in November. A few weeks ago I was thinking about exactly how many guys I've slept with. I wrote it down and came to 28. I know its a really high number and probably makes me look like an anonymous whore but. I can't help it. I started when I was 14 and couldn't stop myself. So my question is do I have a problem? Should I look for help?

Someone please help me :(

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012):

"makes me look like an anonymous whore"

You are not a whore, but you do have a problem, and you need counseling to help. Really badly.

Don't go on like you are and not understand the problem.

Yes, the father thing is at least part of the issue.

My best friend had her father leave her when she was 8 years old, her mother basically dropped her on her head when she was 13, and she just lost her family essentially. She used sex to try to make those connections happen. In the end, before she got her shit together, she had well over 200 partners and lost count long before she reached 200. You don't want to go there.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2012):

At 18, you can be a virgin or have slept with 100 guys. Both are fine depending on some factors. Your situation is fine for example if you always use protection and don't have sex with everyone in the same circle. Because news travels fast and you could ruin your reputation. It's also a good idea for both parties to check for STDs before and after sex to be safe. As long as you're not a player, leading more than one guy on at the same time, or having sex with someone else while already in a relationship, then there's no problem. As long as you're responsible, it's fine. You don't need to tell anyone your number.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 September 2012):

Honeypie agony auntIf you are in college many colleges offer FREE counseling/therapy. Take advantage of that.

And honey, stop beating yourself up. You recognized that your behavior might not be for the best (for you) that is the first step, admitting and recognizing that something is off. Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I will look into counseling. It is probably both the guy just using me and the whole father thing what made me want attention.. thank you so much got you're help guys.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2012):

Well, the physical side of things is done and in the past, you can't change that. But, the psychological side of the matter clearly still bothers you so I think you do have a problem there, but THAT can be changed.

I think you would benefit from some kind of psycho therapy to try and identify the underlying reason why you behaved in such casually and reckless manner from such a young age, it should help you understand why do did the things you did and hopefully get some closure to it all.

Personally I think it has something to do with the finding out of your real father after growing up and believing your step dad was your biological father. I suspect this news knocked you for six as it would most people, and possibly trigger something off subconsciously that led you to go off the rails in such a way. Also the guy you lost your virginity to (the one you wanted to be your lasting boyfriend) could play a part. Do you think perhaps you've been trying to fill the gap in your life since he broke up with you, and that's why you went to so many other guys?

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A female reader, blonde30s United Kingdom + , writes (8 September 2012):

blonde30s agony auntin reply to your update i think you should just go out and about with some good friends and meet new ones along the way. have counselling and over time your start to feel better and build up your self esteem. dont get involved in men and r.ships for a while until you have done counselling. get some good friends to go out with and enjoy yourself in other ways.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

If I.could have a clean slate and start over I would!!!! I don't feel I should be envied...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2012):

It's better than being 23, turning 24 in less than a month and still being a virgin. I've been married for 2 years as well. You want to trade lives with me? I actually envy women like you, although I would never admit that to anyone I know. I just can't relax enough to have sex, due to something my mom said to me a really long time ago that stuck with me, and still terrifies me. Luckily, my husband is understanding. Not many men would be as patient as he has been with me.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I didn't grow up without a father.. my mom married my step dad when I was a baby but growing up I always thought my stepdad was my real dad until my father called me when I was 13 to tell me I was wrong. And the guy who i lost it to was older. 17. He wasn't my boyfriend but I wanted him to be more than anything. I know I have low self esteem and lately I've only been talking to one guy and hooking up with him for the past 6 months now. But I can't get the other 27 out of my head. I do regularly go to the clinic and I'm clean. But I really don't know why I did it with so many different guys. And when I try and think about it I just feel gross.

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A male reader, TrancedRhythmEar Saudi Arabia +, writes (7 September 2012):

TrancedRhythmEar agony auntPossibly but im not judging. Its possible u r needy insecure n only way for u to feel validation is to be with men. Do u like sex? Or is it more emotional ur seekin from men!? Id look into professional counseling. Good luck doll.

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A female reader, blonde30s United Kingdom + , writes (7 September 2012):

blonde30s agony aunti think its best you go through your doctor and see a counsellor who can talk over any problems and low self esteem you may have which is why you could be doing this. maybe you want to feel special and to feel wanted and sexy but you are not doing this in a safe way and isnt the right way to go about things. if you want to feel wanted loved and sexy you will feel that with one special person who you find for a r.ship. dont sleep around anymore this will make you feel worse and its just men who dont have any respect for you what so ever. wait to find someone who you can get to know well and build up a r.ship with over time taking things slowly.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2012):

Depends by what standards you compare yourself.

- If you compare yourself to respectable women, then yes it is a lot.

- If you compare yourself to the likes of *Whores* and other such things, then maybe you haven't even scratched the surface in comparison.

Three things I'd like to ask you:

1) Have you always used protection?

2) If not, have you had regular visits to the clinic to make sure you don't have any nasty infections you will pass on to others?

3) Did you lack a father figure in your life when you were growing up?

To question three, often its girls that never had a father figure or lack of in their lives that usually crave the attention of males in this particular way - casually sleeping with whoever, whenever they can. Its a way of feeling close to males and filling the void that the lack of a father figure has left in their lives.

Do you think its a problem for you?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 September 2012):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with Yos. Can you answer WHY you sleep with them all? The "I couldn't stop myself" is not an answer, you DO know WHY you are doing it. You just have to word it out and look for the real reason.

Are you hoping if you have sex, they will like you more? Or have a relationship with you? Are you unable to say no? Are you just enjoying having sex with guy you don't really know? And so on.. there IS a reason.

I do think the number is HUGE at your age, but it's not like you can turn back time and have a do-over. So, here you are and you need to examine WHY you do this, because you obviously know that it's not the average for girls your age.

I will also agree with YOS - you need to stop having sex til you figure out why you do it.

Not only do you put yourself at risk for goodness knows how many STD, pregnancies and abuse, but you also damage your reputation, which at your age means a lot.

You started at 14? Who was the guy? Was he older? Was he a BF? How did that happen?

Last but not least, stop beating yourself up. You can change how you handle this in the future, you just have to be honest with yourself about your past.

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (7 September 2012):

Yos agony auntThe number isn't important. It's how and why. You say you can't help it. If that's true then that really is a problem: knowing our boundaries and having self esteem are important for our happiness. Being able to say no is a big part of that.

I suggest getting hold of the book 'Breaking the chain of low self esteem' by Marilyn Sorensen.

I also suggest you stop sex for a while. Just make a rule with yourself: no guys for now. You'll be better off without them for now.

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