New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244945 questions, 1084256 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

I'm on the verge of cheating! HELP! So confused!

Tagged as: Cheating, Family, Forbidden love, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 January 2009) 18 Answers - (Newest, 25 January 2009)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I need some advice...I've in a serious relationship for 7 years, married 2 1/2 out of those 7. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship. The 1st year we started dating he took me home to meet his family (on west coast). As soon as I met his younger brother I was extremely attracted to him and he felt the same way.

As the years have gone on our flirting has intensified!! Nothing happened until this year....we kissed multiple times. It felt so good. My heart was pounding I had butterflies in my stomach. Now we're thinking about meeting to spend a weekend together. I love my husband, i dont want a divorce, but before we start having children I just want to be with his brother. I cant stop these feelings they are driving me crazy. I want to spend some time with him and get this off my chest.

I want to live my life to the fullest with no regrets. I've been attracted to him for 7 years. We've been texting and emailing each other. We're both on board...I told him I needed more time to think, but my entire body is saying DO IT! I just dont want to live in regret.Should I just go ahead and do it and get it over with or see a therapist? LOL Am I loosing my mind?

I'm married i'm not dead, how could i never be attracted to anyone ever again? He just hit all the right spots and I almost feel like i have no control i have to do it. sorry this is long. any suggestions or advice would be great.

View related questions: acne, divorce, flirt, text

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009):

You poor soul.

That you came here, it seems you are looking for sympathy and understanding. What a lot of people are saying here is -- in some werid way -- a looking glass into the future of how you would be perceived in reality. Like Hester Prynne and her scarlet letter, society is never forgiving of cheaters... but you will find they are especially hard on females. So arm yourself with that logic of how reality can and will change with any action.

Next, if I may.I think you literally are addicted to something that is as hard to quit as a drug. Like heroin bad. seductive, but ultimately damaging and it will make a MESS of your life if it's not controlled. I think you will need to be the strong one for yourelf, as much as it hurts, and you will have to make some difficult, painful choices: Either give your husband,end the marriage and pursue his brother or give up the brother, and focus on your marriage and what brought you and your husband together. Your other option is to let them both go, because this must be torture for you going like this.

Know this,either way, you're going to lose something. Mia Farrow once said that life is about loss. We say goodbye to so many things through circumstance, death, etc.. it is part of our cycle as humans.

You have to respect yourself enough to give yourself a LOVE that is not clouded with deceit and doubt. You have to love yourself enough to know that you are worth it and worthy of having a good relationship that leaves you fulfilled. As is your husband.

Everyone has come down on you, but everyone must remember-- the brother has a HUGE role in this too. What kind of man is he to be pursuing a flirtation and kissing his brother's wife? Maybe he is the one who needs to grow up too.

I hope that by the time you read this, if you read this, you have not consummated anything. THere are people who know what you are going through, but remember you are an addict, my anonymous friend, a vivacious and loving and attractive one, but an addict nonetheless. Don't kid yourself. And this addiction is only going to bring you down and the temptation won't go away overnight. You will have to work at it. It's tough, but you must commit to battling it, battling back the desire, and learning how to say no.

It's best to clear your mind. You are not a bad person-- just confused and thinking that you have no brakes. You have brakes. I want to gently tell you, reality and fantasy can get pretty blurred when we want something we can't have. And rarely when we get what we want does it live up to our expectations. If marriage is not for you, get out of it, give you and your husband the chance to have in your lives what you want.. or learn to appreciate it for what it is, accept it and chalk it as a growing experience and make it stronger. No union is perfect or without its trials.

Good luck to you. THere are no easy answers, but I will pray that you make the right one for yourself. Whatever your actions, so goes the life you build for yourself.

<-- Rate this answer

A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2009):

Listen, this is dangerous territory.

Mark my words, men don't forgive so easily a sexual infidelity at all, especially when it comes to doing it with their blood relation! And from a psychological point of view the effect it will have on your husband will be DEVASTATING! I'm surprised at your inconsideracy towards your husband yet you state you love him? Because if it were true you'd never have even kissed his brother, because even "that" will shock to the core.

If you really think that your urges are so high and uncontrollable and that it'll eventually lead you to sex, you would be better off telling your husband 'right now', him finding out about your kissing would do far less damage than the atomic bomb that you'll throw in his face with sleeping with his brother, and the positive is it'll truly fling you back into reality and you'll see what you got yourself into - 'before' it gets deadly.

Telling your husband would be essential.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2009):

I understand that you want to "live life to the fullest"... but here's the thing: you have 2 feet, not four. That means, as a human being (and a grown one at that) that we have control over our behavior. I grant you, you're married, not dead. No one is saying that you can't find your BIL attractive. But as an adult human, it does mean that we do not act on every single impulse that we have like you're some kind of animal or a 3 year old child.

In the words of the Rolling Stones, "We can't always get what we want." That's because as adults we know that our actions come with consequences.

You're fooling yourself if you think for just one second that if you do anything more with your brother-in-law that there won't be consequences, bad ones. Hell, right now, you should be afraid your husband doesn't find out about the kissing you 2 have already done.

Let me tell ya, I'd love to the "live life to the fullest" and go on a trip to the Carribbean this winter instead of paying my mortgage and going to work every day. But I'm an adult and I know that I would fuck my life if I made that choice. Sure, I'd have a nice memory, but in the end I'd be homeless, the bank would foreclose on me and I'd be in a shitload of debt and out of job.

Weigh up the consequences, ask yourself if screwing your BIL would be best in the long term... and then decide accordingly.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I would like that too! Its not very often you find people who are in similar situations. We're not in love with each other we're just in lust with one another. For now I've been trying to put it out of my mind, but i wont lie i think about him daily! I dont want a divorce because I love my husband, he's my soulmate...i just have a crazy sexual connection with my BIL. I dont know how we could connect without giving info on this site. if you have any ideas let me know.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Sara181204 United Kingdom +, writes (13 January 2009):

Hi there,

I am in the same situation (except for the kissing, yet). I know how you feel, and I am sorry some people can't understand it. I guess if you don't go through it yourself it would just seem wrong. But here I am having also strong feelings for my BIL and viceversa, and flirting and so on.

I agree with you, I also want to live life at the fullest and I would not hesitate if I had the opportunity to be with him and share that precious moment. It's not just lust, we love each other and I know now for a fact that people can love two persons at the same time. I have been feeling guilty for a long time until I started reading this site and found out there are lots of poeple going through the exact same thing. And it's compleatly normal to have these feelings since our BILs and ourselfs are just a man and a woman that love each other and with strong chemistry and real attraction (forget the family ties, this is the reality!). I also just came out with the conclusion that these feelings for somebody don't come across very often and we only live this life once. Listen, we share so many similarities in our stories that I would love it if you would like to get in touch with me. We can talk about it and, at least, vent! Hope this helps. Hope to talk to you soon!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, confusedinkent United Kingdom +, writes (10 January 2009):

confusedinkent agony auntIf you want to keep your relationship with your husband then I seriously suggest that you do not tell him. The best thing to do is to speak to his brother and tell him it was a silly mistake, you both got a bit carried away. Even though you may be attracted to him, im sure you both know it would never work. If he refuses to let it go then I'd suggest that you tell your husband before his brother does, and make sure you tell him it was just a stupid mistake. it would be sooo much worse if it came from his brother!. And with regards to your reply, I know nobody is perfect but if I can stop someone from making a big mistake that could ruin their life, Then I will!!. Im glad you got the message! lol.

look after yourself and put the whole out of your mind and carry on like it never happend.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, 48years  +, writes (10 January 2009):

48years agony auntWow...

You'd be doing it with a fantasy. Unfortunately for you, women are biologically predisposed to fall in love after sex. If we weren't, there'd be no great country western songs.

Put your attention back on your husband- he's WAY cuter than his little brother.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009):

Do not do it!!!!!!!

This will 100% destroy your relationsip and if you have a great marriage why risk it? You're not dead however when your husband finds out and leaves you you'll feel dead inside.

You're risking your relationship and your husband's relationship with his brother for sex??????

I had an affair that at the time I couldn't stop, had no control over my feelings, felt the same as you that I didn't want regrets. Trust me I now have regrets - regrets that I did it. Once you've done it once it's like a drug and you can't stop yourself. It destroys everything as it would affect your relationship with your husband as you'll be distant and thinking about someone else and it will destroy your marriage.

Only do it if you're happy for your relationship to be ruined and if you're happy to ruin your husband's confidence and life.

I'm not judging you just don't want you to make the same mistake I did

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009):

I believe what you have is the fantasy of a man trap in you female body, it is not you mind but your body what

desires the sex, and as long as that is the case I would said do it! and like you said get it over with.

however if it is your heart the one who desires to be with him you need reevaluate you marriage them go after you

really want.

if you are like most females, believe me when I tell you if you have sex with him. you will become more

emotionally

attached that you were before.

if that feeling has been there for 7 years by know you know is not going away so live with the desire or the guilt.

that is your choice to make!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Aech135 United States +, writes (9 January 2009):

Aech135 agony auntHonestly you shouldn't need a forum to tell you this is a stupid idea. If you are seriously considering sleeping with his brother then i doubt you should even be married since you obviously feel somewhere inside you that you want to be able to just go out and do things for your own personal pleasure. If you just came on here for a beat down then I would say that your basically not here for advice but you feel the need to be punished for what you've done because honestly most people don't just go out and look for verbal abuse. And the tell it to my heart stuff is bullshit and you know it. How would you feel if your husband f****ed your sister (if you have one)? This is not your heart and it's not love it lust. If you need to get laid you have a husband for that.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009):

I really think you should tell your husband of this. Because it's his brother you need to be honest about this with him because it's extremely personal. He needs to know the kind of deceit the two people who he loves have done to him.

Maybe after you've seen the after effects it may help your relationship with your husband.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

It IS VERY selfish! I need to hear these things...helloooo do you think I except warm and fuzzies by posting on a blog like this? Think again!

some of these words are harsh but I need to hear them. The fact of the matter is yes we have kissed but things havent gone any further and at this point I'm grateful for that. Its all so insane really its not in me to do something like this. Unfortunately I'm not perfect nor do I claim to be I just needed a place to put this out there and hear the negative things back. I guess I need a good beat down for even thinking about something like this! If I could combine my husband and his brother that would be awesome.

They are so different from one another yet they act so much alike. When I'm around his brother its like a different part of my husband. Its sick and twisted but hey its something that happened to me and I was brave enough to put it out there before I did something worse I'd regret.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, confusedinkent United Kingdom +, writes (8 January 2009):

confusedinkent agony auntThe problem is you've decided that now is the best time to "live your life to the fullist" when your already married!. its just wrong!. if you felt it was time to settle down with your husband after so long whats changed since?. Its selfish for you to rationalise an affair with his brother, of all the people to have an affair with!. Its just stupid as well as insensitive to think that you could get away with it!.

I mean do you seriously think that its ok to do this?, I think you and me both know that its not the right thing to do at all!!!.

and as for all the "tell it to my heart" crap!, thats just you giving yourself a reason to cheat!.

I think you know its a bad idea to even have kissed this man in the first place. if you have come here to get a like minded opinion then im afraid your going to be disapointed.

If you really feel that you need to live a little before you settle down then why not tell your husband that, if you think that he will see it like you do then your mad!.

ok I know I've been harsh but surely you must see the problem with your reasoning?.

And as for the way that you make light of the whole situation, it just seems that you really dont care for your husband what so ever!.

I hope you listen to us agony aunts and do the right thing.

good luck

x

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009):

This is a situation where you have to ignore what you want and think about your husband... who deserves so much better then a jezebel such as yourself.

He would eventually forgive his brother because they are bound by blood, but you... you wopuld be the one to be cast out and banished forever. In Roman times he would be within his rights to kill you and your family foer even suggesting such a paring and would be seen as weak if he didn't.

Consider yourself lucky that you can lock these faux feelings away in some dank, dark place in your head under heavy guard at all times.

So use your brain and ignore your heart in this situation, your heart seems like it's a bit of stupid moron anyway.

Flynn 24

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Okay I understand that its wrong! To bad I cant tell that to my heart and just make it go away. I didnt want to have these feelings but some how over 7 years they have developed. Chances are I'll be to chicken sh-t and scared to meet his brother and spend a weekend. I know that we should not have kissed but its over and done so at this point I should just move past this crazy fantasy.

I guess in the back of my mind I thought we could meet have sex get it over with and move on with our lives and no one would ever find out! His brother & I dont want a serious relationship we just want to f each others brains out. For some reason I thought i could just do it get it over with and feel better. Chances are I'd spend more time feeling bad than feeling good. Its not worth the 1 time feeling good to end up with a lifetime of guilt. Maybe I needed a forum like this to help me see the light.

Personally I think my husband would go off on the deep end if he ever found out.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009):

Never cheat with his brother, you can not see the consequences at this moment.

First of all you should know what you really want and what the aim of his brother is. It feels to me that you want to learn if the reality is as beautiful as your fantasy.

If you cheat and somebody will learn, you harm many people, too many you will hurt, you will destroy the brother feelings and it will never be the same anymore in that family.

You should have the responsibility not to take this risk.

There are always more solutions, you have to choose the best option.

What you could do (I understand that your feelings are very strong) is talk to his brother if he wants a future with you. If the answer is positive, you can start thinking to find the best way, if the answer is doubtfull of negative, delete your pink feelings. But do NOT cheat with his brother.

I would say to give you an idea: cheating with his brother is a factor 100 more terrible than cheating with a stranger out of his family.

Realize that in pink clouds, you cannot think clear.

I wish you wishdom and a clear sky for 2009

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, jay12toes United States +, writes (8 January 2009):

jay12toes agony auntyou cant go though with it. first of all, cheating is wrong. second, its with his brother. its not a good idea, and going though with it will only end up hurting people. think about it, if you do this and you decide that you want to be with his brother, then you would have 2 choices, 1 is to get a divorce and then begin dating his brother. or 2 see his brother behind his back until you two get caught. these are both bad ideas. even if you ended up with the brother he would never be able to trust you because you will be labeled a cheater, and could you imagine what there family will think of you. if you dont want to live with regret then dont go though with it, because you will regret it. if you still think theres something your missing out of life then leave them both behind and do whats best for you, but dont cheat on your husband with his own brother.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009):

This is terrible, especially since it's his brother it will hurt so much more badly for your husband. You say you love your husband yet you are making out with his brother? This is terrible line to cross even to just make out, on the verge? Because it's his brother, you've done enough to make it just as bad as cheating and if you go over line even further...

Just read this:

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husband-has-beaten-me-up.html

If you think you'll most likely give in to temptation, it'd best to tell your husband before it gets worse.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "I'm on the verge of cheating! HELP! So confused!"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0625059000012698!