A
male
age
26-29,
SCxMaster
writes:My wife get's bent out of shape when I talk to my ex-girlfriend. We have been together for 2 years, married for 6 months. Now, when I talk to my ex it's an occassional "How are you" type of deal on MySpace. It's totally random when I send something because I know that my wife gets upset about it. The most recent was her birthday in which I sent a Happy Bday message along with "how is everything going". My wife is now mad. I should mention my ex has been married for a while and we haven't been together for like 6 years. We didn't have a bad break-up or anything which is why we remain friends.So should I stop talking to my friend because my wife gets mad or what?
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female
reader, Star_07 + ♥, writes (12 November 2007):
 Okay, after reading that conversation, I think there is more to the story. Yes, I can see that she is threatened, asking if you still love Lacie? But there were other things going on. She is obviously really insecure. Everyone brings some baggage in to a relationship, no matter how insignificant it may be, but this doesn't seem to be the whole picture. You dont stop trusting someone because of something small like that, it has to be something "real" like you actually cheating on her. The best thing I can come up with now, is that you two need to talk. In PERSON, when neither one of you are upset. Set a date in the future, that you two will talk about this as two adults. This Fuck you this and I don't trust you that, is not helping and is not going to make it better. I think you two love eachother, its just a matter of talking at the same speed or same level.
A
male
reader, troubledtoomuch + ♥, writes (11 November 2007):
 I agree with everything said, but I see a potential problem with one thing that Oblivia suggested (sorry). I think that it is too late to change passwords. I think that would definitely make her think that you are hiding something and that you want your ex more than her. It might be possible if you were with her right now so that you could more easily talk, but being on deployment would make that too difficult. Other than that, I don't know what to suggest that hasn't been said. Actually, my wife and I use the same accounts. I have asked her to set up her own, but she has no desire to do so. Of course, neither one of us has seen our ex's for over 20 years and our friends are mutual friends.
By the way, best wishes for your safety and thank you for your service.
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A
female
reader, Oblivia  + ♥, writes (11 November 2007):
 Maybe a previous boyfriend once left her to go back to his ex girlfriend and now she fears you might do the same. She is not rational because she acts out of fear, as rcn says, and if you are away during long periods this might also add to her imaginations.
I think you are doing the right thing to persist in asking her about why this is causing her so much pain, rather than reasoning so much about whether you have the right or not to talk with your friend. I think finding this out from her will be the beginning of sorting this matter out and enable you to give her the reassurance she needs.
And maybe you shouldn't have full access to each others accounts since she seems not to be able to handle this. It could also be that not everybody that talks to you want your wife to read it even though it is nothing about it that needs to be hidden or kept a secret. Even though married you are still separate individuals with your own friends, maybe better for everybody to change your passwords. Trust should be based on more than the ability to control each others conversations with other people.
Best wishes, keep us updated!
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A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (11 November 2007):
 That was one heck of a conversation. She is one extremely insecure person. Your answers, I felt, we OK answers. She has your password, what else does she want, a printout of all conversations?
I'm still friends with my ex's also. When I was with my daughters mom, my ex-wife use to call me when she was depressed, and sometimes to talk to her it would take a couple of hours to find out what was really the issue that was causing it. My daughters mom was right there on the couch with me, and my talking to my ex did not bother her at all.
I hope she is not this bad when she's sober because if she's was just a drunk thing she lost her ability to be realistic when drunk. Her answers didn't make sense. You shouldn't have to relay to her when wishing someone happy birthday or anything else. If you haven't given her anything to worry about, she needs to get some help to get over the not trusting attitude.
As long as trust issues are still present, this relationship is going to be on the rocks. Generally trust issues don't have anything to do with anything you have done. It has to deal with past experiences. Fears transfer from past relationships to current ones. It's the same affect as if someone got into a bad car accident, then traveling past where the accident happened at a later date, some feelings of fear reoccur.
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A
male
reader, SCxMaster +, writes (11 November 2007):
SCxMaster is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK, here is the latest scoop on this issue. Via text messaging from Yahoo!
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 9:58:40 PM): Hey buttface i love you
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 9:58:50 PM): i love you too baby. i'm glad you decided to text me
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 9:58:58 PM): you just put a fat smile on my face
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:00:00 PM): How was ur day?
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:00:18 PM): it was fine until our argument
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:00:44 PM): Good
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:00:53 PM): a-hole
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:01:25 PM): The rest was bad
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:01:40 PM): what do you mean the rest was bad?
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:02:29 PM): The rest of the day
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:02:53 PM): yours was?
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:03:53 PM): Are u going to hide shit anymore?
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:04:13 PM): i'm still waiting for you to tell me what you think i'm hiding
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:04:26 PM): No i slept
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:05:11 PM): U talkin to lacie
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:05:44 PM): you know as soon as you said "what she won't know won't hurt her" i knew you were talking about that. i think you didn't say so because you thought
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:06:07 PM): i would get mad that you looked. i wouldn't have givin you my password if i was was going to hid shit
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:06:26 PM): you saw what i wrote, you saw what she wrote. nothing to get worked up about
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:09:32 PM): Why couldnt u just tell me? I dont want to feel like i have to find out on my own
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:10:17 PM): i thought about telling you last night when we were talking. baby, that is a hard thing for me to decide, because either way i go about it i know
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:10:35 PM): your going to get upset. why don't you trust me is what i want to know.
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:12:22 PM): I dont care if u didnt hide it
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:12:58 PM): it wasn't hidden though
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:14:29 PM): Messages r hidden
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:17:19 PM): if it was hidden, if i wanted it to be hidden, you wouldn't have seen it. baby, you need to realize that your the only woman i want. i love YOU
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:17:23 PM): I thought we agreed u would tell me u talked
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:17:50 PM): we did, and that turned out exactly how i thought it would. you getting upset still
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:23:32 PM): Because u didnt tell me!
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:25:55 PM): honey, i'm talking about before when we first made the agreement. you still got upset. you know it's a lose/lose situation for me. and i'm sorry,
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:26:24 PM): but i'd rather risk you not finding out and being upset then to put it right there and ruin your day.
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:27:21 PM): How would u feel if i talked to goob and hid it?
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:27:51 PM): how do i know your not already? the difference is that i trust you and you don't trust me.
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:31:13 PM): Because when i did talk to him that night i told u
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:33:31 PM): Remember payback is a bitch
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:33:52 PM): what the hell is that supposed to mean. Don't ever threaten me
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:34:16 PM): you just pushed the wrong button
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:35:46 PM): How does it feel
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:36:57 PM): you need to fucking grow up. why the hell did you marry me if you can't trust me. it's defininetly not going to work if you don't trust me.
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:39:46 PM): I thought i could but u proved me wrong!
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:40:02 PM): fuck you
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:42:02 PM): Right back at ya babe
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:43:14 PM): do you not want to be with me now?
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:44:27 PM): I just dont want u to hide shit
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:44:58 PM): that doesn't answer my question.
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:45:04 PM): everybody hides shit
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:45:09 PM): you wanna know what else i'm hiding?
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:45:47 PM): What?
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:46:06 PM): god! i fucking don't get you. why are you so pissed that i sent a god damn message? i don't go fucking snooping in your inbox. even so, they are
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:46:13 PM): your friends! i don't care who you talk to
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:46:58 PM): i'm not getting cable until you get your GED. it's the whole reason we don't have it. i want you to get it done and i think tv will keep you from it
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:47:07 PM): of course now, you'll just be pissed and not do it anyway
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:47:40 PM): Of course i wanna be with u but not if u r going to hide shit
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:48:08 PM): it's not hidden! why don't you understand that if i wanted to hide shit you wouldn't find it?
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:49:48 PM): if you can't trust me than i can't be with you. it just won't work. i can't handle you thinking that i'm going to fuck around on you all the time
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:50:13 PM): what do i have to do to prove it?
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:50:37 PM): you know what else i'm hiding? your xmas present? and something else coming to you too
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:50:42 PM): people hide shit
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:52:45 PM): U hid it from me!
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:53:44 PM): honey, your not understanding what i'm telling you. if i didn't want you to know what i was doing, you wouldn't have the passwords to all my
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:54:25 PM): Im done talkin to u im going to have fun tonight
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:54:39 PM): accounts. i would have deleted the messages and emptied the trash bin so you couldn't see it. i have trust in you that you trust me. that's why i
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:55:36 PM): leave that open for you. i'm not keeping it a secret. why don't you just ask if i have talked to her if your concerned. try going about it
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:55:57 PM): another way or something so that it doesn't cause a fight. what am i supposed to do?
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:57:13 PM): Dont hide it
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:57:39 PM): then don't get pissed when i tell you i told her something. and you still act like i talk to her all the time
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:58:32 PM): why don't you be honest with me and tell me why she is such a big issue?
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 10:58:41 PM): Do u still love her?
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:58:48 PM): no babe
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 10:59:29 PM): god, it was a high school relationship
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 11:00:00 PM): it's been 6 years now honey
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 11:01:01 PM): maybe if you would quit hiding your thoughts about it i could understand better
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 11:05:04 PM): would you tell me why she is such and issue please
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 11:07:41 PM): Because u act like she is more important than me
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 11:08:40 PM): how? did i ask her to move in with me? did i ask her to spend the rest of her life with me? did i ask her to provide me with a baby?
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 11:09:42 PM): U put her before me
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 11:10:34 PM): how?
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 11:17:30 PM): Derek this is mary i took the phone from shamdi. You should talk tomorrow she's drunk
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 11:18:01 PM): no, we are almost done. maybe with her being drunk she'll finally tell me something
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 11:18:33 PM): No derek
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 11:18:43 PM): then maybe you can answer my question
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 11:22:02 PM): now i'm mad that you took the phone from my wife. in case you forgot, i don't get to see her
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 11:22:40 PM): Whats thats
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 11:24:39 PM): I know and i'm sorry but she said you said something about divorce and so i got sacred i know she really loves you
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 11:25:31 PM): i told her if she can't trust me then there's no point in being together. it just won't work. i want to know why she gets so pissed about lacie
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 11:25:34 PM): You need to come home derek she needs you
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 11:25:46 PM): well, i can't. i'll be home in a while
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 11:28:37 PM): She's just sacred i don't know why i know She's only upset because you didn't tell her she wouldn't care that you talk to her as long as you told her
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 11:29:15 PM): I know just don't leave again
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 11:31:15 PM): i don't tell her anybody i talk to. i don't expect her to tell me who she talks to. i dont get it. i'm a soldier i have to leave. she knows that and
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 11:31:18 PM): she has to get used to it
shandilou7 (11/10/2007 11:35:07 PM): She is used to that. She loves you and girls have to have something to get mad over and hers is LACIE
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 11:36:17 PM): i just need to understand why. that's all i want to know. as far as what i can gather from this she should be the exact same about you, but she's
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 11:36:19 PM): not is she?
SCxMaster (11/10/2007 11:37:00 PM): and that's a bullshit answer anyway
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A
male
reader, SCxMaster +, writes (11 November 2007):
SCxMaster is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. This isn't the first time I've dealt with this with my wife. It happened before we were married too. And I did reassure her that she is the only one for me. It is very tiresome to have to deal with this every time.
She always tries ignoring issues that we are having to thinking it will make it so we don't get in an argument. I hate when she does it, because it's pointless to bottle stuff up.
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A
female
reader, Star_07 + ♥, writes (10 November 2007):
I'm sure all she needs is reassurance. I know that I wouldn't be very happy if I was in the same boat as her. The reason is that she may feel threatened by the frienship. As long as its a friendship, nothing more on both parties, then she might be able to come to terms with it. Let her know that she is the one for you and this friendship is nothing more than what it is. Talk to her about it, don't leave things unresolved.
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A
female
reader, spanna  +, writes (10 November 2007):
 i get the same about my boyfriend talking to his ex, i guess i worry that he will go back to her if she became availible, as he was with her once so obviously loved her. but u just nee to reassure ur wife you are with her forever and that it means nothing. we woman like o be reassured of these things even if it does get a bit tiresome for you. but my bf doesnt actually talk to her unless she talks to him first and it is the same kinda thing
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