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I'm obsessing over how my boyfriend lost his virginity... Drunk, in a tent, with a non-virgin-girl older than him!

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 December 2005) 9 Answers - (Newest, 29 October 2008)
A female , *olly writes:

Hi.

My name is Polly, I am 18 years old, and I'm having a bad time. I feel I should warn you in advance that this is likely to be an extortionately long email, as I have a lot to get off my chest, but I really just want to start from the very beginning and tell somebody everything. I desperately hope you can help me - I consider the problem I have to be somewhat ridiculous, but I've found that I can't help myself, and I hope you won't feel it unnecessary for me to explain in great detail what's worrying me. I really need some advice, even if it's just to give myself a hard kick up the backside. If that will sort me out, I'm willing to do it.

I have a boyfriend who is 22, and he really is wonderful. We met when I was 16 and he was 20, and now we have been together for just over a year and a half. We would love one day to marry, but while this persists, I can't see us coping with eachother for much longer. This problem is all due to something he told me about that happened when he was 18. He had a part time job while at college, and there he became friends with a girl who came to work there too. She was 17 at the time. Gradually, things changed, and he began to have feelings for her. After leaving his job, he let her know how he felt. I do not know how she reacted to this. However, they remained friends, and when he went on holiday camping with his family that year, she turned up uninvited, but welcome all the same. I do not know why she did this, and I really wish she hadn't. However, this is not the point. Basically, to cut a long story short, one night after they had been drinking, my boyfriend and the girl ended up going back to her tent. They had kissed earlier that day. He told her he was a virgin, and she took his virginity there and then, in the tent. Apparently, the sex was painful and didn't last long. I feel so stupid for knowing about this incident in so much detail, but I have forced the lot out of him. The next day, he tried to get close to her, although he says he regretted the way he had lost his virginity the night before (drunk, in a tent, and with a friend), but she showed him a letter she had written to him following the sex. Basically, it said that she didn't like him in the way he liked her, and she was still in love with somebody else. He was confused. To top it all, two weeks later she had sex with him again, despite what she had said, and I despise her for it. They didn't speak again after that.

I feel that this was an evil thing to do on her part, and a stupid one on his, but the fact that all this happened never bothered me until quite recently. We had a good relationship, and after two months of being with my boyfriend I lost my virginity to him. It wasn't particularly romantic, and not at all the way I had hoped it would be, but I loved him, and he loved me. Then a few months ago it started to prey on my mind, and I began to wish that when I had sex for the first time, it was with somebody who was also having sex for the first time. I appreciate that he is older than me, and since losing his virginity, had sex with two other girlfriends before me, which is natural, but it's really getting me down. I really hate the way he lost his virginity. Where it was, how it happened, who it was with.

This has started to ruin everything, and I know it's my fault for being so obsessive, but I just can't get it out of my head. I find myself nagging him about it every day, and he gets angry, because he also hates the fact that it ever happened. I just wish he had never been so stupid, and that causes me to punish him for it. I suppose I want him to be the perfect man I feel he should be, but I know he can't be. He has just walked through the room and asked me if I'm going to tell him what's going on, but I can't because I will end up becoming furious, and he will sink his head into his hands and say, 'Oh for God's sake, not again.'

No matter how often he tells me he just wants to forget it, or that he never loved anybody before me, or that he hates the girl for being so cruel, nothing ever changes. I try not to blame him for it, but I just can't stop myself. And I am so angry with the girl who did this, I have to admit I wish she never existed. She now works in a public place that we visit now and again, and to me she is just an ugly, disgusting whore. I would love to confront her, but the satisfaction I gained from that wouldn't last long. This has all gotten so bad that we have been driven to screaming at eachother, hitting eachother, and hating eachother. We always cry, and make up, and he promises not to get so angry, and I promise not to go on so much, but we never stick to our promises. We're just stumbling around in circles.

I am not sure why I feel this way. I find the closer I get to him, the worse it becomes, because all I can think about is the two of them, and I can't bear it. I hate it that he loves me so much, because I can't let myself go and just love him unconditionally due to old rubbish that has happened in the past, but I want to. I wouldn't put the problem down to low self - esteem or insecurity, but who knows? And the only jealousy I feel is that which emanates from what I feel was the theft of something that should have been mine - his virginity. It irritates me that it could so easily have been prevented from happening in such a bad way. It takes two to tango, but if one of the two hadn't been so naive and stupid, and the other hadn't been such a vile slut, it wouldn't have happened. There is nothing that can be done about the girl being the way she is, but my boyfriend could certainly have exercised a little common sense - I know he has plenty, and that is why, irrationally, I get angry with him. He says he understands the way I feel, but I don't think he understands why I let it get too me so much. I'm not so sure that even I know the answer to that myself. I wish he would understand. Something in me wants him to feel bad for what happened, which is absolutely ridiculous, but in some twisted way I think it might help. He has finished with feeling regret and anger over what happened now, and I feel awful for continuing to throw it at him, but while he has forgotten it and put it behind him, I just can't, and the two of us being in such different positions is a recipe for infinite disaster.

I don't know if I am being stupid or not. I certainly feel extremely stupid. I know that everything I have described has nothing to do with me, it happened over 4 years ago, but somehow I've made myself a part of it, and I've become so involved, I'm really in too deep. I wish things could go back to the way they were, but I also feel sometimes that maybe it would be best for us to call it a day. I do not want that to happen in the slightest, but how can we carry on this way? I believe he feels the same. I love him dearly and I want to be me again.

Thanks.

View related questions: drunk, jealous, lost my virginity, on holiday

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008):

hii

i have been with my boyfriend for about 1 year and 8 months. im kind of in the same situation as you. slowly i have been getting better. my boyfriend gave it up to some random girl when he was high and like 14 years old. i know how you feel. believe me. weve fought and cried over this topic. the bottom line is.. you cant stay upset over this. as much as you want to cry and scream and fight the girl when you think about it, you have to get a grasp on yourself. you want to be with him forever right? well this terrable thing that happened in the past is part of the package. and the more i thought about it the more i relized that there is so much about him that makes up for this. He treats me amazing. he loves me. he even says he thinks of me as his first. maybe you could think about it this way too. your boyfriend was drunk. mine was high. they both didnt get the full experience and it wasnt with a girl that really cared about them. I do too wish this girl never existed. but thats not reality. the reality is that you cant change this but you have an amazing boyfriend that loves you for you. and sweeps you off your feet. hes yours. not hers! she didnt get him. you did! you won! plus.. you probably had sex with him more than her and each time was more amazing because it meant somethign and he wasnt intoxicated. he loves you. so my advise to you is listen to your ipod when ever you feel liek you wanna talk about it. and keep telling yourself that hes the best thing that ever happened to you and that girl is out of the picture (because she is). and thats where she belongs. you belong by his side. and lastly apologize to him for every time you hurt him over this. remember he wants to be perfect for you.

goodluck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2006):

I know how you feel---all this happened a couple years ago: I met a guy I really liked, no loved! I was still a virgin when I met him, and even though he was a little younger than I, he was not a virgin. I hated the way he lost his virginity--to an ex-girlfriend who was also a virgin! Like you, I thought "He should have lost it to me, not her! It should have been him and me losing our virgins together!" This bothered me for a while, and he tried what he could to ease my troubles, but nothing could stop my anger at it. So I did what I could; I met a man a little older than I, who was a virgin, and I de-virginized him! My boyfriend never knew, and he never will, and I have no regrets!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2006):

Hi There,

Well my boyfriend of a year (I'm 21 he's 27) surprised me about 6months ago whe he told me how he lost his virgiity,( I wont go into details as that is his business) but I know he wishes he had never lost it they way he did and that i could have been his first.

But it happened two years before he met me, also he has mentally beaten himself up enough and doesnt need more punishment from me, I love him more than anything and want him for the person he is.

I expect your boyfriend would have preffered to loose his virginity to you over the other girl, but you adding to his 'why did i do that' idea will not help you or him. The best thing is to accept it happened and so long as he is good to you and you love each other things should work out. But if not then maybe its best to have a break/move on until you can get past this. Also remeber that truly loving someone means knowing all their faults and still loving them!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2005):

I know it's difficult, I actually wrote about something similar today here. But you know what? Forget it. He loves you more than he ever loved her or anyone, just like my bf loves me more than he ever loved anyone. I think we should give them both a break and accept the love they have for us, because it's us they want to marry and have babies with, not them. We must worry about the present and the future, or the past as long as it happened while we were dating them. Forget other women, it's you that he loves and wants to be with forever, so don't ruin everything with the fights, really. Have a deep breath and start all over again. Good luck ;)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2005):

i understand that it can be really hard to think about your boyfriend having sex with another woman...especially since she is in your thoughts because she works at that public place that you say you and your bf visit. the important thing to remember, as the people who also replied to your post said: that all happened in the past before you were even in the picture. i am sure that the situation wouldn't have even happened if you were with him. you need to rest assured that he is with you now, not her. would it make oyu feel better if this other woman was a really nice girl? instead of the evil one you make her out to be? i don't think it would have mattered who she was. it just sounds like maybe you are a little jealous that you weren't your boyfriend's first and she was. he will always have that memory of her because people always remember their first times. but you know what? just rememeber that he is with YOU, and wants to be with you, and you should just try your hardes t to move on from this topic before it escalates into you and your bf breaking up over it. by breaking up, isn't that like letting her win?

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A female reader, sexseahot United States +, writes (12 December 2005):

sexseahot agony auntYou didn't even know this guy when this happened. Why should this bother you so much? Shouldn't you be looking towards the future instead? I would hope so, you can never change the past, you can only make the future better. I hope you realize this before it's too late and he gives up on you for all the trouble you are putting him through. I'm sure he don't want to be reminded everyday of what he has done, he probably already regrets this happening. If you keep badgering him as you are doing, then he's going to just leave you because of it. Do you want that to happen?

If you really love this guy, maybe you should prove it to him and show him how secure, caring, and mature you are by maybe just forgetting about this whole situation as he has done. He loves you obviously, so why would you want to keep throwing this in his face every chance you get? I'm sure he will be getting tired of it sooner or later, which I'm sure you don't want to happen if you really love him.

If you can't live with knowing this about him, maybe you should let him go and find someone else that don't have anything about their past that bothers you as much. If you keep bugging him though, this will be your only option eventually.

Good Luck.... but if you really love him, forgive and forget. No one's perfect and everyone makes mistakes.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2005):

Ok, I'll start by saying you are clearly a wack job. You really are. I could go through the post and point out all the places where you are brow beating him and it ends up in screaming and hitting. And you have probably annoyed the bf enough that you have damaged the realtionship enough to where you should call it quits.

It sounds to me like the issue is not so much his experience but *your* first experience; and you never mention his first experience as bothering you until after you guys did it. I am guessing that you had some fantastic and unrealistic expectations about your first time and then things didnt work out the way you imagined. You are going in your subconscience over why your dreams werent realized and you have latched onto the fact that it wasnt *both* your first time, as you had imagined. You now have this whole thing

cast as a crime against you! Even though you were not involved, were nowhere near the loaction and you were like 14 at the time. The way you wrote it down was like you were describing a rape... and then you say "theft of something that should have been mine - his virginity".

Short of inventing a time machine, I think you two should go on a break, and you should seek some kind of professional help. Maybe date some other people. Right now you have zero perspective....

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A female reader, Bev Conolly Australia +, writes (12 December 2005):

Bev Conolly agony auntIn a word, yes, you're being stupid. The only "carrying on" that's being "carried on" is your insistance on making an issue of this tiny piece of the past.

This is his HISTORY, hon. He can't remake it to please you. And what you're doing is hammering him over the head with something that happened years ago, that can't be changed. He must be getting really tired of being pressured over it, don't you think?

Worrying about this is as if he despised you for passing notes in high school chemistry class. How would he expect you to change something that's already happened? Now, ask yourself, how can he go back and NOT lose his virginity?

Take a step back from your own thought processes then read this sentence: He Can't Change What Happened.

Your obsession over this imperfection is going to drive you apart, sexually and emotionally, unless you learn to accept that he was drunk, and a virgin, and obviously willing to have sex with someone else two years ago.

I don't say that to throw it up in your face or to annoy you, but because it's a fact. Accept it, as you accept your boyfriend in every other aspect that makes him the person you love.

Then drop the topic, already.

Firstly, because it's not any of your business how he lost his virginity, and if you think it is, just because you're dating him, you're 'waaayyy over the personal-boundaries line.

Secondly, because if you don't accept what happened as immutable fact - and accept it NOW - you're going to be worrying yourself into a lather, throwing this perceived sin back at him every time you have a minor disagreement -- and you're going to lose him completely over it.

Take you pick, dear. Either accept your boyfriend with all the history he brings, or accept that you can never accept his flaws and walk away.

Simple, really.

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A female reader, mommyofthree +, writes (11 December 2005):

mommyofthree agony auntOkay, since you were not his girlfriend when it happened, you really have no right to be mad at him or the other woman for it. You really need to understand that you were not a part of this situation and by putting yourself in it you are makig it much less likely that he would ever tell you anything about his past for fear of you reacting this way again. You are going to ruin your relationship over something that no one can change. Please either get over it, or break up with him so that maybe he can find someone that will focus on a future together and not the past.

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