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I'm obsessed with the man I had a little bit of fun with, 16 years ago!

Tagged as: Cheating, Crushes, Forbidden love, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 November 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 11 December 2017)
A female India age 36-40, *_Obsessed writes:

This is really weird. So, some 16 years ago, I had a one night stand with this acquaintance - we traveled together to a new city with a group of friends and stayed in the same house. I was relatively sexually inexperienced and socially inept. The second night we were all out drinking in a pub, getting bawdy and sentimental. Then, he (let's call him R) asks me to take a walk with him. I find him cute, so I'm like ok. We walk a little, but as expected end up kissing on the stairs of this shopping mall. He's hot - awesome kisser, an amazing body. And I want more. And we're getting hot and heavy and suddenly he's like "Do you have a rubber on you." I freak out in my mind, but just shake my head and when he says, Is it ok to go on, I just nod. Cut to the chase, we end up trying to have intercourse on these really uncomfy stairs and it's not really working. So he guides me to give him a blow job and finishes off. I'm still like super horny and confused, and he just buttons up both of us and we walk back to the rest of our group, who now are teasing us. Needless to say, I spend a really restless night. The next day this guy says absolutely nothing. So when we are drinking, yet again, the next night, I pull him aside and tell him that I find him hot and I want to make out with him again. He is surprised but interested. During the night, I pull him to the stairs where we share the most amazing kiss but he just pulls back (not sure why - did he think the place was too public or someone might see us). Anyways, we just blow hot and blow cold the whole night and nothing really happens. We don't talk, we go back home - he stays in another city, so he leaves a few days later, we meet only once. His cousin and I are friends, so later she tells that oh, R mentioned that he had a "little bit of fun" with you. The next 6 months, my emotions range from "Oh, that was fun." to "He's so sexy, I want to do him again." to "what a manipulative bastard." What I'm sure though is that I don't want a relationship with him.

Anyways, life goes on, there are men, relationships, studies, career. I connect with him once on email when I move cities, totally vague b'coz I'm starting a new job and I have a steady boyfriend. Then we invite each other for our weddings, but obviously don't go.

Marriage, work, kids etc happen. I fantasise about him off and on, think about the kiss (the best ever, not counting the husband). Check him (and his wife and family) out once in a while on FB (the whole comparing thing).

Then last year, we move cities and I'm a bit lonely. I'm constantly chatting with this friend of mine who had also gone on this trip and I start thinking about R again. She meets R in the city he's living in and tells me that he remembers me. It just snowballs, I can't stop thinking about him. I think about him when I wake up, I think of him when I sleep. I write about it, I analyse it, I try to think of other men. Nothing helps. So my friend and I plan a trip to where R stays - for other reasons but yes, he does live there. I muster courage to write to him, he replies, then I wait for some time and I reply, and he never writes back. I wish him on his birthday on FB messenger, we exchange pleasantries and nothing more. I just conclude that maybe I'll meet him and the fever will finally pass. Then I ping him that I'm coming and it'll be great to catch up. And he says he's not in town that time. And I'm kinda relieved. And I think ok, this is the end of it. It's over. But I'm back, I didn't meet him and it's not over. I don't even know what I want! I though I wanted to just ask him what he felt back then - did he even want me (in a purely physical way) or I was just available? I don't know if that'll also put me to rest.

So for a few months, it was fun and interesting. Now it's become this crazy, unhealthy thing and I want to stop. My life's going on other wise, but this is eating too much into my time and my personal relationships. How do I stop?

View related questions: blow-job, cousin, horny, kisser, kissing, one night stand, teasing, wedding

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A female reader, S_Obsessed India +, writes (11 December 2017):

S_Obsessed is verified as being by the original poster of the question

So, I read my journals from way back then again, not just about him but other things as well. Worked through my feelings and my need for affirmation. It gave me clarity.

Then I made a list of things that I wouldn't do. I did write a story about him though. But I've been off him for 7 days and counting.

It's working :) :) :)

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (7 December 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHonestly I don't see why this guy is a catch at all, it sounds like he was a horny teenager and well you offered it to him on a plate. Honestly the best thing to do is block is facebook and carry on with your life.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2017):

Hmm.. I can kind of relate. I worked for a guy when I was 18, (He was 33 at the time) and I would only see him 2 to 3 times a week but I would literally fantasized about him everyday, numerous times a day. Over a year later, he stepped down from his position and that same night we had sex. We didnt talk for 3 months afterwards and my thoughts were similar to yours but I couldnt let it go.

So, here we are.. Im 21 and he is 36 and we've hooked up a few times since then, but I found myself living an unhealthy life, because physically, mentally and emotionally, I ONLY wanted him. And he was married.

Someone on here suggested you unfriend him and I would agree with that.. I basically had to cut ties with the guy in order to get a clear head space. Do I think of him? Yes. But not as I did before. I see him sometimes (we happen to live in the same neighborhood AND go to the same gym) but I always keep conversations with him short and act as if Im late to something.

I would suggest you do the same if you were to see said guy, but if your only connection to him is online and through friends, just cut ties. It may be easier said than done, but you'll probably feel better about it down the line.

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A male reader, PJ Roy American Samoa +, writes (1 December 2017):

1) You are drowning. The worst mistake you could make is to tense up and fight it.

2) Don't fight "it". Embrace it.

3) Yes, at the end of the day, the other aunts and uncles will turn out to have been right, but right now, this 'thing' for you is 'real'. You can feel it. It will be real only so long as *you* want it to be true.

4) You are not alone. 16 years ago I also almost had sex with my 'the-one-that-got-away'. Not a minute has gone by when I have not wished for just one second that I would hear her simply be nice to me... I obsessed and overdosed, big time... I wrote, and wrote and wrote... and kept hoping against hope. But no, the aunts and uncles are always right.

(She was from India, and shame on me, my heart leapt for a second there when I read your subject line... sigh... *hope and hopelessness* when do you ever leave a guy alone :) )

5) At some point you figure... 'hope' just go f*ck yourself, and f*ck whoever are those people you know who are so great that make me so absolutely redundant too.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (1 December 2017):

N91 agony auntI really don't understand what you're fanaticising over.

He made you give him a blowjob because you couldn't get the sex to work out because of the location.......fantastic.

You need to let this go, you both have lives and this guy clearly has absolutely NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER. If he wanted to meet you, he would do, so I really can't get my head around what's making the keep thinking of this moment so many years later.

You need a get a grip and concentrate on your life.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (1 December 2017):

YouWish agony auntThis is definitely a first for me!

Oh, I see a lot of these "pining for a past fling or one night stand" posts, but usually the guy was a massively good lover, was magical, gave mind-blowing orgasms, toe-curling, amazing, etc.

You are the first person I've ever seen who pines for a guy who coerced you into risky unprotected sex, and was so bad at it that he couldn't even perform, and instead made you SERVICE him orally to get off without you mentioning whether or not he reciprocated. Most guys with even minimal sexual skill can master sex on the stairs, sex pinned against the wall, sex in a bathroom stall, anywhere! This guy SUCKS at sex, puts you at risk, and got you to service him, and of all the people in the world, HE is the guy you fixate on??

I think you can do a hell of a lot better, to be honest. I think you're bored or your life is in a rut, and you're looking towards an empty mirage.

You need to stop. This guy has a wife, but even more importantly, HE HAS KIDS. You didn't even stop to think of how devastated their life would be if their mom were to find an email from you. You need to knock it off because you're also being unfaithful and disloyal towards your boyfriend who doesn't deserve this ill-treatment.

You stop by choking the feeling out. Cut off the oxygen supply to the thoughts. Stop contacting him. When he comes up, get the discipline to snap your thoughts back to the present. Find something else to get your attention, like your current boyfriend, or a hobby, or planning a vacation, or a project, or work. Anything. It's the same way people with cell phone addiction ignore their phone going off while they're driving. They discipline their addicted mind not to reach for the phone while they're on the road, lest they kill someone in a car accident while distracted.

Get your mind and emotions and hormones and obsessions under YOUR control, not the other way around. It's an everyday process, similar to what people have to go through to lose weight, and that pile of cookies is sitting their on the table. They have the discipline to not reach for them.

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A male reader, jc2008 United Kingdom +, writes (1 December 2017):

Block him on social media. Unfriend him on facebook. Difficult though it maybe. Time to move forward not back

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (1 December 2017):

It was 16 years ago. You're both 16 years older. Time to snap out of that foolish-fantasy world; and realize you're now a wife and mother. If you've got a lot of time on your hands to daydream about days gone-by; maybe you need something more constructive to do with your idle-time.

You have a husband and kids. Fill-in the blanks. That ought to be enough advice.

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