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I'm not sure that we love each other and we have started fighting in front of our son

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 April 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 13 April 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, *ammye17 writes:

Dear All: I need help or a listening ear to help me cope. I've been married for almost 3 years, we have a 2-year-old amazing little boy which is our world. lately and it's been happening for some time I feel like we've been disconnecting more and more. When the baby was born we argued about the baby. How to feed him or how to help him when he was ill. Dumb right? well we still felt like a family and i thought it was normal. First time parents, then i come to now and I've realized he comes home gets glued to his phone, he doesn't ask me about my day at work. I cook and all and i am far from perfect but i wish there was some more communication. I've tried to express that and nothing. We argue constantly about the stupid things but big arguments and i've noticed the last 2 time we have done it in front of our son. He starts yelling and then i start yelling and it gets out of hand. Yesterday, i got so upset when i asked him a question about how he wanted his meal served and he completely ignored me i blew up. he blew up and come to see we are throwing furniture around and he ended up leaving to cool off. I knwo it sounds stupid but i dont think theres love fron neither side, if there was we would care about each other? He doesnt try in the relationship and he doesnt agree or understadns me

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 April 2018):

I know this is quite personal; but I have to ask. Is it safe to assume you're an at-home mom right-now? Are the finances a little tight? Financial-pressure builds a lot of tension.

Sometimes working husbands have the notion your staying at home gives you the luxury to lie around all day. Watching TV and playing with your kid. He has to trade places to see what it really takes to run a house, and raise a kid at the same time. Even more of a challenge if you work as well.

Young parents who don't get a lot of sleep get very edgy. He has the pressures of work, and you're chasing down a toddler. You have your own pressures.

Your day is filled with trying to keep up with a bundle of energy, that never seems to sleep; while trying to do housework, run errands, laundry, changing diapers, prepping for meals, and whatever else pops-up unexpectedly. At least he's in one place doing basically the same task most of his day. He'll take overtime if he can; and still has to contend with the stresses and pressures of putting in a good day's work. Being sole bread-winner has the responsibility of the family's survival all on your back. You provide the food, shelter, pay the bills, utilities, health insurance, and clothing. You two take each other for granted.

Women ease life's tensions by purging your emotions. You don't usually internalize your feelings. You cry, talk to other women, and you vent. Men do the opposite. We hold it in until we blow-up! So when you want to talk, he wants to unwind.

End of the day, everyone is tired. Then he suddenly decides to tell you how to be a parent. Right? He was raised under one parenting-style; while you were raised by another.

You've probably read a few things, and you try to experiment with what you've learned; but it doesn't make sense to him. This is like my sister and her husband when he was working a full-time job, working on his MBA, and she was a stay-home mom. He's Arab, and she's bi-racial with Native American heritage. So two cultures sometimes clash. Things smoothed out over time; because they did learn how to talk to each other. Lowering their tension-levels, and being respectful of the different things they experienced throughout their days.

You're adjusting to living with an extra person in the house. You're changing from single-people, to husband and wife, to parents. All in the span of three years! My dear, that's a lot of changes!

If you are both holding-down jobs, on-top of you trying to be a mother, you're all stressed-out. Something women experience men don't is, you've still got some postpartum hormones going-on. You've both got to get some down-time from daily-routine. If things are escalating to throwing things, time for some professional-counseling. You're not adapting to family-life. You're over-stressed!

Phones are addictive. People these days choose them over face-to-face communication. So trying to talk to your husband is going to be a task. He doesn't get to play with his phone or devices at work; so his escape and hobby is gluing his face to that damned phone. If you never really had good communication; you can't start asking for it out of the blue. It has to be a practice gradually introduced into your day. It might be a bit stiff and mechanical at-first; trying to suddenly make it your new routine gets resistance. Work it in a little at a time; then it becomes normal and automatic. It has to be a mutual-effort.

Since you can't talk without fighting you need counseling for a mediator; then you can effectively talk to each other and try and work things out. I think more than anything else; everybody needs some sleep!

Honestly, it's really too soon for you to be having knock-down drag-out fights. That normally comes much later. You're practically still in the honeymoon phase. I gather there might be some incompatibility issues between you two. So you have to tweak things a bit, and make some adjustments. Those tempers have to be seriously reeled-in. Fights cause night-terrors in children.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2018):

he should not ignore you. he should not be "fighting" with you. he should respect you, you sound fair, thoughtul and sweet. If he keeps "starting" the arguments then this man you have chosen to be your partner is a nasty piece of work. No man should ever pick a fight with his (or any) woman or come to it with anything or anyone... It makes a mess of a perfectly innocent woman, child - infact - WORLD!

You need some help and (dear God) I hope you find some!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2018):

You "blew up" in front of a two-year-old because your husband didn't answer a question about his dinner?

It is absolutely unconscionable that you would subject a two-year-old to screaming matches for the the pettiest, most meaningless reasons. That constitutes borderline (to be polite) child abuse.

I can only assume the two of you are products of dysfunctional environments where this kind of drama was an everyday occurrence so neither of you learned the dynamics of healthy families nor control yourselves.

If your kid were truly "your world" then you would start thinking of the negative effects your stupidity (you said it) are having on him.

You both need to seek counseling NOW, and the next time you are tempted to "blow up" in front of your son then grit your teeth, count to ten, leave the room or do anything possible to avoid subjecting an amazing two-year-old boy to any more trauma than he's already had the misfortune to experience.


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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (11 April 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntHaving a child can be stressful in all relationships and can bring a lot of tension. It sounds like you are both in a rut. You say he doesn't agree or understand you, yet I bet he would say the same about you. You need to go back to basics. Can you get a babysitter once a week? Go on a date night? Have a romantic night and just be a couple again?

If you feel you do to much for him around the house, then stop and explain that he needs to help with the meals and house work as well if you are both working full time. If all this fails and you cannot communicate without it blowing up I would suggest going to see a marriage counselor.

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