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I'm not sure if this should be ringing alarm bells.

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, The ex-factor, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 March 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 13 March 2018)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone

This isn't a serious issue, i'd just like some of your thoughts.

My girlfriend asked me if she thinks it is true that if someone cheats once they will cheat again. I said I think it depends on the person. I didn't know why she would ask me this. She cheated on her ex in the past and then eventually broke up with him. I met her several months later and started a relationship with her about 4 months after that.

Then she told me she had something to tell me but I wouldn't like it. Of course at this point i'm imagining the worst.

However what she had to say was that she had called her ex. She hadn't spoken to him for 2 years and didn't even have a way to contact him, but managed to get his number and call him. She told me she dreamt of him recently and just wanted to see how he was and if he was ok these days.

It all seems perfectly fine to me, not a big issue. but she said she felt guilty for doing it.

I was just wondering if anyone thinks this should set off alarm bells or if it could be perfectly fine?

View related questions: broke up, her ex

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (13 March 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntFor her to start the conversation about once a cheater always a cheater suggests to me that she does not trust herself to not cheat. If she needs to question that while chatting to her ex again then I would be worried she still has feelings for him and doesn't trust herself not to cheat.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 March 2018):

No alarms should go off; I think she had a some guilt to lay to rest. Sometimes our karma is harboring long-term guilt until we offer restitution or an apology to someone we hurt in someway. Her conscience needed a rest.

She was honest and explained what she did in detail; she explained her reasons.

Everything is fine.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 March 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with Anonymous 123,

I wouldn't say alarm bells but something is going on here that she IS NOT mentioning. One thing is having a dream about someone from their past. Sure, it happens and sure, we don't have control over WHAT/WHO we dream about.

But she didn't just leave it at that, she went searching for him number and contacted him. After 2 years... Why? Maybe to assuage her own guilt for her past cheating. Or maybe she is missing something she HAD with him.

There is NO big need to keep in touch with exes in general, unless you share kids with them.

She SAYS she felt guilty... yet she STILL did it... didn't she.

And what does she intend to do now? Keep being in touch with him? Why?

I don't think you should go ALARM ALARM!! but perhaps question her motives here.

Ask her HOW she would feel if YOU had done the same, would she be totally OK with it?

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (13 March 2018):

Anonymous 123 agony aunt

Well if I were you then it would be somewhere between alarm bells and perfectly fine. I would have my eyebrows raised, that's for sure. It's ok that she had a dream about him... That can't be helped... But going out of her way to get his number and track him down is unnecessary. She cheated on him and left him, so what's the need to start talking to him again? That too on a whim just because she had a dream!

Is she looking to start things up again? Maybe not. But then, can you trust her? Can you close your eyes and take a deep breath and say that you trust her with all your heart?

I'm not sure about the once a cheater thing but it really depends on the person. Also, why is she feeling guilty? If she thought that she were doing something wrong then why did she do it in the first place? Why was the desire to call the ex so great that she went all out to hunt for his number and call him?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2018):

Did she find a way to contact him? Did she tell you? Im sorry but this situation does not look good to me. Good luck.

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