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I'm not attracted to my girlfriend sexually. Should I tell her this? Do I tell her the truth?

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 January 2007) 45 Answers - (Newest, 12 May 2011)
A male age 41-50, *azzlar writes:

I'm in love with my girlfriend but i'm not sexually attracted to her? What happens is that i loose interest half way through sex, but i didn't want her to know the real reason and made out that's because i'm unfit, smoking and drinking too much. This could be the case but i have no problem getting excited on my own.

Do i tell her the truth?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011):

I just wanted to chime in and say I can relate. I have been in a relationship with this amazing woman for 6 months now. It’s the longest relationship I’ve been in (there have been others, a few dates, but nothing serious) I love her and care for her but having conflicts when it comes to how attracted I was to her physically. At times things were really hot! However sometimes, more often than I would like to admit I found myself not attracted to her as much as I did when we first started dating. I got that gut feeling that “I’m settling”. HOWEVER in the last month or so things started to change. (and this is where I want to encourage ALL you men AND women) Its ok if your no 100% head over heals for this girl physically!!! Its ok to doubt, and its ok to want someone who you think is HOT! After reading through all of these posts, all you men seem to be saying the same thing “she’s great and I love her BUT she’s not as HOT as…” I would say YES attraction IS important and because its only attraction that is getting in the way of an amazing relationship DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!

My girlfriend is a little over weight (like 175) smart, kind, caring… all the qualities you would want in a girl, and yet there was (and sometimes still is) this one thing which was keeping me from giving my all. When it comes down to it. She just wasn’t the “Hottest” girl I’d ever seen. After about 4 months of dating she started to want to lose wait (they all do!) and so there were NO complaints on my end, actually quite the opposite, I encouraged her and challenged her, I would go jogging with her and tell her I was going to beat her (she’s competitive ? something I love about her) Soon she started to lose a little weight, she didn’t really notice BUT I DID! She started looking better and better, so I would complement her, tell her she was looking good, thin and sexy! (cuz she was) and soon she started going to the gym every other day. Her self esteem got a boost as well as mine, she felt better about herself and I felt better about her. I started to become more attracted to her. And then it dawned on me. If I want her to change I need to change! She wants to look good for, but I never really told her what I like! She was trying to lose weight but it was when I started encouraging her that she lost more weight. I needed to be part of the process and you do too.

We are all LUCKY, at first I was really getting down on myself. I though I was being shallow and cold, that it wasn’t fare for me to be judging her physically… I think that’s wrong! After spending many days going through many sites I started to change my point of view (I’m not all the way there yet) Looks are actually the easiest thing you CAN change about yourself and your partner (if you’re willing to suck it up and get you’re hands dirty) If you have a good women who you’re in love with, don’t throw away the relationship without first talking to her about how you feel! Tell her what you’re likes and dislikes are, what you find attractive in a women, include things that you already find attractive in her. (i.e. personality, faith, eyes, smile, skin, legs, WEIGHT...) don’t hold back, If you like someone who is more stylish, thin, fit... etc. TELL HER! Let her know that you love when she wears (fill in the blank) Tell here you love cute little butts, or that like a girl who is fit! (don’t say this all at one time mind you. make it a continuing conversation) Create an atmosphere of complements and encouragement. I’m not talking about belittling, controlling or plastic surgery… I’m talking about being there to help her be as sexy as she can be and then loving her for it. I guess what I’m saying is you and I shouldn’t settle especially when it comes to looks because they are so easy to “work on” Remember looks are “part” of the overall reason for love and attraction, its no the “only” reason. Things like weight, fitness, hair, skin, teeth and fashion can all change (and they will) even sexuality and self esteem can be taught or learned. You guys have all gone the distance, you have all gone years with out being as attracted as you could be (YOU INSPIRE ME) just think how easy it will be to fall back in love with your girl after you start working out together and lose 20 lbs! or go to the beach and get tan! If you can love them now it will only get easer when you both do things together to be healthier, fit, sexier and better looking!

Ok I’ve said a lot, too much I’m sure. But don’t just give up. The women you are dating are beautiful they are just a little rough around the edges. Peel away the doubt, silly judgments and about 20lbs and you’ll find that attraction you once had. At least try. Please try. If you have tried and there is still nothing there, then at that point it is you that has the problem (tell her that) and you should move on to someone who fits into your listed preferences and who you do feel attracted to.

Final thought this image is one of the impacts on changing how I think. This woman used to be a regular lady, 30 and over weight, here’s before and after. Her name is Amy Layne and she’s now one of the hottest swimsuit models out there, and all she did was go to the gym. Be inspired don’t give up on your girl. ?

(http://zone1.damyhealth.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/AMY-LAYNE-WEBSITE-GRAPHIC.png)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011):

I just wanted to chime in and say I can relate. I have been in a relationship with this amazing woman for 6 months now. It’s the longest relationship I’ve been in (there have been others, a few dates, but nothing serious) I love her and care for her but having conflicts when it comes to how attracted I was to her physically. At times things were really hot! However sometimes, more often than I would like to admit I found myself not attracted to her as much as I did when we first started dating. I got that gut feeling that “I’m settling”. HOWEVER in the last month or so things started to change. (and this is where I want to encourage ALL you men AND women) Its ok if your no 100% head over heals for this girl physically!!! Its ok to doubt, and its ok to want someone who you think is HOT! After reading through all of these posts, all you men seem to be saying the same thing “she’s great and I love her BUT she’s not as HOT as…” I would say YES attraction IS important and because its only attraction that is getting in the way of an amazing relationship DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!

My girlfriend is a little over weight (like 175) smart, kind, caring… all the qualities you would want in a girl, and yet there was (and sometimes still is) this one thing which was keeping me from giving my all. When it comes down to it. She just wasn’t the “Hottest” girl I’d ever seen. After about 4 months of dating she started to want to lose wait (they all do!) and so there were NO complaints on my end, actually quite the opposite, I encouraged her and challenged her, I would go jogging with her and tell her I was going to beat her (she’s competitive ? something I love about her) Soon she started to lose a little weight, she didn’t really notice BUT I DID! She started looking better and better, so I would complement her, tell her she was looking good, thin and sexy! (cuz she was) and soon she started going to the gym every other day. Her self esteem got a boost as well as mine, she felt better about herself and I felt better about her. I started to become more attracted to her. And then it dawned on me. If I want her to change I need to change! She wants to look good for, but I never really told her what I like! She was trying to lose weight but it was when I started encouraging her that she lost more weight. I needed to be part of the process and you do too.

We are all LUCKY, at first I was really getting down on myself. I though I was being shallow and cold, that it wasn’t fare for me to be judging her physically… I think that’s wrong! After spending many days going through many sites I started to change my point of view (I’m not all the way there yet) Looks are actually the easiest thing you CAN change about yourself and your partner (if you’re willing to suck it up and get you’re hands dirty) If you have a good women who you’re in love with, don’t throw away the relationship without first talking to her about how you feel! Tell her what you’re likes and dislikes are, what you find attractive in a women, include things that you already find attractive in her. (i.e. personality, faith, eyes, smile, skin, legs, WEIGHT...) don’t hold back, If you like someone who is more stylish, thin, fit... etc. TELL HER! Let her know that you love when she wears (fill in the blank) Tell here you love cute little butts, or that like a girl who is fit! (don’t say this all at one time mind you. make it a continuing conversation) Create an atmosphere of complements and encouragement. I’m not talking about belittling, controlling or plastic surgery… I’m talking about being there to help her be as sexy as she can be and then loving her for it. I guess what I’m saying is you and I shouldn’t settle especially when it comes to looks because they are so easy to “work on” Remember looks are “part” of the overall reason for love and attraction, its no the “only” reason. Things like weight, fitness, hair, skin, teeth and fashion can all change (and they will) even sexuality and self esteem can be taught or learned. You guys have all gone the distance, you have all gone years with out being as attracted as you could be (YOU INSPIRE ME) just think how easy it will be to fall back in love with your girl after you start working out together and lose 20 lbs! or go to the beach and get tan! If you can love them now it will only get easer when you both do things together to be healthier, fit, sexier and better looking!

Ok I’ve said a lot, too much I’m sure. But don’t just give up. The women you are dating are beautiful they are just a little rough around the edges. Peel away the doubt, silly judgments and about 20lbs and you’ll find that attraction you once had. At least try. Please try. If you have tried and there is still nothing there, then at that point it is you that has the problem (tell her that) and you should move on to someone who fits into your listed preferences and who you do feel attracted to.

Final thought this image is one of the impacts on changing how I think. This woman used to be a regular lady, 30 and over weight, here’s before and after. Her name is Amy Layne and she’s now one of the hottest swimsuit models out there, and all she did was go to the gym. Be inspired don’t give up on your girl. ?

(http://zone1.damyhealth.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/AMY-LAYNE-WEBSITE-GRAPHIC.png)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011):

how do you know if a female friend is atrracted to your husband

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A female reader, Yetilicious United States +, writes (25 March 2011):

Yetilicious agony auntWow. Man up and let them go. All of these women deserve someone who is going to love AND find them attractive. Let go of your guilt and selfishness and just end it now.

On a side note, I just don't see how you can truly be in love with someone and not find them attractive, or especially consider leaving them, or cheating on them. There is a guy I AM in love with. I know for a fact that even if he were severely disfigured in a car crash, or got half of his face burned off in a fire I would still find him extremely attractive, because Michael is Michael, I love HIM. Sometimes I even wish he were a bit uglier so other skanks wouldn't look at him...that is definitely the selfish part of me. I am fairly certain he feels the same way about me. Maybe the love me and this guy have is extremely rare, and not easy to come by. But believe me, love really is blind. I think perhaps you all THINK you are in love, but in reality you have no clue what love is. When you REALLY find it, you'll know because you won't have these doubts in your mind. And you sure as hell wouldnt have to think about other women to get your dick hard.

If there was a chance this guy didn't feel the same way I feel about him I would want to know immedietely. The worst thing you can possibly do is lie or pretend. If he didn't find me attractive, I'd want out as soon as possible so I could find someone who does.

In regards to the person who mentioned "It's in every man's NATURE to lose interest eventually". Wow. If you are right about that I'm becoming a lesbian. Whatever happened to UNCONDITIONAL LOVE?!?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011):

30 years old male reader

I have read most of the posts on this topic, and I must say I can relate to many, both by men and women writings.

My problem is not feeling sexually attracted to her and her believing it is because of me not being forgiving of past bad fights.

What happened between me and her is that we would have many fights. In the beginning, I found that this simply meant we wold never get together, but that I could still hang around with her for loving her conversation, some shared values and principles, and of course, the plain sexual pleasure.

The reality is that for me, this was more like a challenge. I desired her.. but essentially because I desired having her. Not because of her person or physical attractiveness, but rather by my intention to get into her pants. This kept us together for some time, and I'd make it clear that I was not interested in having a long-term relation.

So I'd always leave after feeling some closeness, and she'd tell me I'd come back, because even if I didn't say it, I actually loved her. Never really believed it, but after 3 years, I now sometimes spontaneously say I love her.

Came the time that me pulling out and getting close was too repetitive, and we simply decided to move in together for all practical reasons.

Obviously, fights did not decrease, but rather increased to a very high level, up to a point I would find myself desperate in the way I would get treated by her. Repeated verbal and physical aggression because of smth I'd do (and which up to today, I wouldn't approve as being sufficient to create such a state), and of course, me leaving the room not to get violent myself was totally out of the question, as this would only get even more furious. So I basically had to remain there and hear all the hurtful words, angered shouting voice and the like.

Once, by even more despair, I led myself to repetitively hit my head with a boot, so that I would possibly make her feel better about something I had supposedly done to "hurt" her, again.

From that moment on, I realized I couldn't treat myself like this anymore and that I had to leave the relationship, at one point or the other. And the thing is that after that, she would try to come to me and tell me more of how much she loved me and try to change many things in herself so that I would care for her. I cared about her... but couldn't simply accept what had happened, because it was like not respecting myself.

Thing is, I do care for her, but now, I don't even ever feel sexually attracted to her, and because of previous fights, simply can't believe I can ever have kids with such a person, which is what I would want in my life. So, I tell myself i love her, but can neither make her or myself happy.

What's the point?

Stuck is where I find myself now, and it's very hard to leave or to stay. I feel locked.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011):

Like all the other men on here I am also in a similar boat, and it is good to know that we are not alone. I am no longer sexually attracted to my girlfriend due to the fact that she has too many inhibitions and too self consious in bed. She is very healthy and fit, and I have no idea why she should feel this way. When we do it, I always have to initiate and I feel that I can never seem to please her or give her powerful orgasms, she is silent like a mouse when we have sex. She is 100% passive in bed. She never takes on any inititive or creativity. I have to guide her to do this and that everytime, it feels like I am having sex with a doll that does nothing.

Leaving is not easy when we have a daughter together. Telling her she too vanilla, not sexual or sensual enough for me would break her heart. Cheating would break her heart. Breaking up would break her heart because she loves me to bits. I feel so down from day to day.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2011):

I have essentially the same problem. My variation is that my girlfriend is not heavy or fat, but just a little shorter than average and thicker, still pretty decent curves. She is definitely very sweet and pretty smart, but she is not "hot", she is "cute" (and she readily admits this). I have been with her four years and we are talking about her moving in with me real soon, but I am so torn whether I should even take that step. We both agree (in a general sense) that she could move in and if it doesn't work out then that is good we learn that and move on. But she doesn't really know that I often find myself thinking that there are many other "hotter" girls out there that I could have. I feel like if I leave her though that I will regret having given up a girl that genuinely cares for me. And I genuinely care for her. I don't know how to figure out what to do. I feel like I can't win either way.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011):

For the men wondering how to gain back attraction:

Talk to your loved one and spend some actual time with her, go on a vacation or just a romantic date. Even tell her about how you feel that you guys are drifting apart, and i guarantee she will also put effort forward into fixing things. If you can't remember why you fell in love with her after all of this then there's nothing left in the relationship and you should probably get out. I definitely think sex is important in a relationship and even if you think shes "too fat" or whatever the issue may be, you should politely tell her that, trust me, she will do ANYTHING to make herself more attractive to you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011):

I can totally relate! My fiancé is the sweetest Person that I e ever met, she's smart, funny, and beautiful. But for some reason, I'm just not sexually attracted to her. I love her so much, and definitely don't want to end things. I'm kinda hoping this is a phase. Everything works in my downstairs, I still get aroused by other woman,(never acted). Sometimes sex works with her other times it doesn't. I'm so torn! This forum has definitely helped me to know I'm not alone. Thanks everyone!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011):

I can relate to what you guys say out there. I have only had two sexual partners in my life...my ex-wife and my current girlfriend. Both women are fat. My ex-wife was fat, ugly and mean, but my girlfriend is fat, cute and sweet. Nonetheless, she is fat. Not only is she fat, but she is getting bigger every time I look at her. I look at photos from only a year ago and see that she has grown quite a bit. When I became divorced I thought it was going to be a fresh slate, I can go out there and get the woman of my dreams and all will be well. However, the divorce hit me pretty hard and my girlfriend helped me though it. We fell in love on many levels, only, I did not fall in love with her on a sexual level. I try to think of anything I can to maintain an erection, porn, people I had seen that day, whatever...just to maintain an erection. Half the time I can't maintain my erection and I have to come up with excuse after excuse...I love her, we've been together for nearly two years now, but no matter how hard I try, I am finding it more difficult to force myself to feel sexual attraction. Just like the other guys on here have said...we're still lost on this one...I don't want to be without her, but I also want to have a fulfilling sexual life as well.....

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011):

In the same boat. In a relationship now for 4 years. Love my girlfriend. I love her company. I love doing things with her. But whenever she wants to have sex I do anything I can to avoid it. There are times where the sex works, other times its like its forced and often I can't get aroused so I come up with off the wall excuses. Half of me isn't able to picture a world without her, the other half wishes she would cheat on me and dump me cause she deserves better and I often have guilt trips about it. Just you like you guys I am mentally screwed and don't know where to go....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011):

I am a 21 yr old female, and I am with a 36 year old man, Who I believe isnt sexually attracted and hasnt been for months, So after reading this entire colum i am in tears as most of what you guys explained is how he acts, So to all u males out there that dont know what to do dont keep lying to urselfs and to her, She needs to know why. Trust me I have done everything to make myself better for him but nothing he doesnt have sex with me and we do he makes me lie flat on my tummy head in my pillow in the dark 5 mins into it tells me he needs to pee, or his legs are sore or he just flops. and later he is in the shower masterbating when he thinks i am sleeping or in front of the computer watching porn. i have lost 10 kilos in 2 months and now at 50 kg and i am quite attractive nothing what have i gained out of it, heart ache depression anxiety and i have it treated by medication.

SO please please please tell that person if u truly love them what the problem is. before it is to late and the person is gone forever.

Thank u for listening

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A male reader, skeez057 United States +, writes (31 January 2011):

I felt the same way with my ex. I don't care what anyone says.. sexual attraction is very important in any relationship. I was in a very similar situation. Me and my ex connected on every level. intellectually, we had great conversation. we had the best times when we went out. but i was just not attracted to her. I would only have sex to please her and would lose interest half way thru.. I would be mad going out with her to clubs or bars because i would see other women that i would desire. She was a good women and fun to be around but it just wasn't poppin like that. Women are smarter then you think.. after awhile they will catch on and know that u don't have that sexual passion for them.. they to will then develop "wondering eyes" take it from me.. do yourself a favor and break up with her. She'll get over it and trust when you move on and start hookin up with chicks that you want to actually hook up with.. you'll feel better. good women are hard to come by and thats important. but a wise man told me that a women will never cheat on you as long as she knows that she's the center of your world... if she discovers that she is not..... anything is possible.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010):

I do not care what anyone thinks about what I am going to say because it is very simple. A relationship is based on balance. That balance also carries over into your sex life. You must love your partner for what is inside them an you must also be sexually attracted to them. Anyone who thinks that sex doesn't play an important in a relationship is kidding themselves. Usually people who think that sex has nothing to do with it believe that they are always above it morally and feel that sex being a key in a relationship is barbaric and that the idea is what stupid people cling too.

Well let me you know that you are wrong. Half of the relationship is about sex. Good sex and attraction can keep the fire burning brightly for the duration when coupled with a good understanding of your partner and a genuine affection for the person inside. When one of the two (the sexual attraction, or the genuine affection) starts to break down then you have a problem.

Personally I am going through the same problem and I am not sure how to go about fixing the situation. I am not sure that it can be fixed. I do know for sure though that the proof is in the pudding. You see it in happily married couples all the time. Until you and your partner are old and basically unable to do the dirty if you do not both have affection and attraction for each other your relationship will start to come apart.

Now with that said does anyone know how to become mroe attracted to your partner?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010):

Well I am in the same situation. My girlfriend is the best ever. We connect on so many levels, have similar goals, and are just made for each other. I am just not attracted to her. I make her get in to certain positions durring sex so she looks better, and I hate myself for it. When we go out it's all I can do not to stare too much at other women. I mean I want to go caveman on other women out there and just shag shag shag.

I am considering breaking up with my gf, and I cant stand to see her upset. We were best friends for a long time. She was helping me get over my ex whom I was engaged to, and one night I was with her and saw my ex with her new man. I was crying, and next thing you know we were going at it in her bedroom me and my best friend. I have never been really attracted to her, and now I don't know what to do..............I feel like a coward.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010):

I am going through the same situation I am attracted to her sometimes I stay hard and sex goes good other times I don't I do t know if it's me loose g interest or me just not desiring her it's hurting our relationship she is a good woman I just do t know and I just want to be happy she is a good woman I just feel cursed or something

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010):

I am going through the same situation I am attracted to her sometimes I stay hard and sex goes good other times I don't I do t know if it's me loose g interest or me just not desiring her it's hurting our relationship she is a good woman I just do t know and I just want to be happy she is a good woman I just feel cursed or something

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2010):

You shouldn't tell her by no means. This will only make things worse. It's yor personal decision. You can leave her or not, and boths thing may end up well. Review pros and cons of both alternatives. Don't tell her. If you decide to end, just tell her you don't feel she is the woman for you, and that you feel uncomfortable. Anyway, this will happen to you eventually in any relationship so don't leave & expect it not to happen again. Many couples can work this issue out, but it depend of you. Just don't tell her you don't wan't to have sex with her, she will be deeply hurt and try to gain your interest back very hard, imagine how you'd feel. Do not think the relationship is all about sex, she must be your partner too.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010):

I read all the comments and Men you guys are all confused... Looks ain't everything

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010):

I really want to add that a serious relationship cannot be based upon sex. You musn't mix sex with how the relationship is going, and to try and do so, or evaluate you relationship based on how the sex is going will make things really wrong.

In the long run, sex is just a phisical thing (even though everyone tries to tell you is pure magic). I gan agree it's magic, but if you agree it is a sensual experience. That means that watchng a movie can be magic too, for example. And remember, sex in the movies or TV isn't real, and rarely works out that fine, neat, clean and beautiful. Sex is very pleasant, of course, but in the movies, it is as with explosions, real life explosions are not as on TV.

Do not base your spiritual, emotional, and intellectual connections on sex, neither judge them with that paameter.

Look ahead and think of what else does she add to your life, if the answer isn't satysfying, then you should end with her.

There are couples that have sex everyday, once a week, once a month and even less. No one can say any is better than the other, and its just a matter of the nature of your connections with her, and both's personalities.

It is perfectly valid to love someone and not feel attracted. You can even love and not have sex, and still hold a good relationship. Imagine the elders, or sick people.

You have to remember your idea of life. Do you plan forming a family? Or you'd rather be single forever. Do you want to have kids? Is so, do you care being married when that happens? Do you want to rise your kids?

Answering those questions may help you determine what kind of relationships do you like for you life. Is a matter of personality. Some people want to rise thei kids, other aren't afraid of growing old alone. In the end, sex drive will finish out with any couple, by aging on the bottom line.

A word of advice is that most wemen (naively) will try to reccomend you dumping her, because they believe tha love is sex, sex is magic, and have an idealistic way of viewing things.

On the other hand, some men are going to tell you should cheat, or go to a hooker. That also is very hard to sustain in the long run, because you might get caught and you will end up feeling guilty.

Of course this is just my point of view, but I recommend you to consider what kind of relationship you want now, and in your future. And understand sex is for pleasure and not always a good problem solver. In so many ways, sex is to a relationship as cannabis is to music.

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A female reader, marriedchick Bermuda +, writes (21 April 2010):

marriedchick agony auntthis is simple if you feel this way with a woman let her go the most important thing to do is to be honest about it at all times it helps trust if u lie u mite as well ask for drama.....by the way are any of you guys porn addicts because i thought it was natural for a man to always wanna have sex regardless but all that media has changed the way your minds think about women. but anyway there are still strong men out there wit good morals whom have not been dialuted by the media. god bless

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A female reader, marriedchick Bermuda +, writes (21 April 2010):

marriedchick agony auntTo all you men I understand that this is a problem because it is happening to me as well I have been married for a year now and my husband is not attracted to me anymore and he too loses interest halfway through. I just want to say this don't just effect you guys, Women also need sex, I love sex and I have lost my attraction to him sexually because of this problem for he is no longer able to perform well in bed, I even went outside the relationship once because I was so unsatisfied. To you men the best thing would be to move on from that woman you are not ready to be married and you will hurt that woman allot if you hold on she will start blaming herself. I also get upset because he looks at other women but never looks at me. Also he is a porn addict so he is used to seeing different women all the time I'm sure that plays a part. On the real though you all need to lose those women discover and accept god then get a new relationship and do it rite..... Peace

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010):

Wow I guess I'm not alone. I just want to say, as someone earlier touched on, that sexual attraction is not love. If you are attracted to someone, "love" her, and end up marrying her, what happens if she is horribly disfigured in a car accident for example? Is she no longer the right one for you because she's not attractive anymore? That's a tough quetion, because the biological imperative for us guys is heavily weighted towards physical looks. Maybe that's more of a philosophical question than we give it credit for.

In any case, I am in a similar situation to most of you. Relationship for 3 years, living together, honestly love her... But she just isn't as attractive to me as the average girl with a nice rack. Sad but true. Yet here I am with engagement ring in hand, struggling with myself to figure out what to do. I want to do it to make her happy - maybe that's what love is? There will always be someone more attractive.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2010):

I am in the same position. It really depends on the type of person she is. If she is a bitch then bide your time until you have found someone better. If she is a good person then tell her the truth. Move on brother, move on. There are too many gorgeous women out there to waste time with one you are not attracted to.

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A male reader, irish.medic United States +, writes (24 March 2010):

I also have the same issue. Not just with my current girlfriend, but with every longterm relationship i have been in. All my ex's and my current gf are all very beautiful, wonderful people. I'm in very good shape, i work out, I eat well, I have a strong sex drive so I don't think health is my issue. I just get to a point were I do not find anything sexually attractive to any of my gfs. If people saw these girls they would think i was nuts. In fact I think I'm nuts. They are beautiful, why do I just find nothing sexually attractive to them after about a year.

Well I love my gf to death and telling her how I feel would only make her feel bad about herself. I do not suggest you tell your gfs about these issues. It is not their fault, DO NOT make them bare the load of our issues. There is nothing they can do to change our problem, telling her will do only bad, with no good coming from it what-so-ever. This will not help, it will only hurt the girl you love. And if you love her enough and want to keep her you will do like I do and just grin and bare the sex enough to keep her happy. Ultimately you are going to have do decide what you want to sacrifice: Love or sex. One of the 2 have to go. They will never coexist for people like me (us). Keep in mind though, the end result of choosing sex over love is usually not a good story to tell.

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A male reader, confused213 United States +, writes (10 January 2010):

WOW WOW i am going through almost the same --- my girlfriend is the best in the world. the sweetest person, sexy, nice butt, slim waste works out, lost her virginity to me, smart, determined and passionate. She will do anything for me to stay with her and no other guy interests her. I love her but recently i am not sexually attracted to her. I love talking to her, giving her advice joking with her, yet when it comes to sex im just not interested. It bothered me and her but she says she will do anything. Pilates three times a day, abs she does everything, and i dont know what is wrong with me. I want to spend my whole life with her, i want her to be my wife but even though she is sexy i am just not attracted

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A male reader, amanichristopher United States +, writes (5 January 2010):

No matter how much we attempt to evolve as human beings there are certain things that will remain in our nature. And we will continue to fool ourselves until we look at things more realistically. Man is an explorer constantly in search of new adventures, experiences, conquest, achievements, toys, trophies, etc. Do you think the reason you buy a new house, car, computer, sweater, cell phone or take a new vacation or job is because you NEED to. In some cases yes there is a need but the majority of people don’t need the new things they acquire they want them. Partners, lovers, girlfriends are no different.

It is not a man’s nature to be with one woman for the rest of his life. Why do you think since the beginning of time men have had wives (plural) or concubines Sure you could train a man to be with one woman for the rest of his life just like you could train a grizzly bear to ride a tricycle but it’s not it’s purpose. Just like the rest of nature man’s primary responsibilities are to protect, provide and procreate. Sounds really simple and Dark Agish but hey it is what it is.

So when you start feeling less attracted to your girlfriend, especially when you were initially attracted to her. It really is the MAN inside of you searching for more. Guys don’t feel bad and think there is something wrong with you. That’s just as ridiculous as feeling bad because you had to fart ? it’s natural. And trust me it doesn’t matter if she is overweight or a Brazilian super model, men will eventually grow tired.

I’m 32 with a girlfriend of 2 years and I’m in the same situation now and at first I thought there was something wrong with me or hey I’m getting old. Not true because being around other women I’m easily aroused and in the mood. My girlfriend is sexy, beautiful and in great shape just like the day I met her but the novelty has worn off. My girlfriend and I have an open relationship so I researched some articles on the subject of why men go thru this and printed them for her to read. She was really, open and receptive and thought it really made sense psychologically. We have even introduced other women sexually into our/my lives and it definitely helps. If your woman is not that open you’re going to have to decide to either end the relationship or keep another woman on the down low. It sounds harsh but seriously that is the reality because you can try to relax, think about other things, buy sexy underwear for her but in reality it’s just a very short-term solution that barely works.

One thing to keep in mind if you decide to keep another woman on the side, RESPECT YOUR WOMAN. I know it sounds crazy but just like there is a code among thieves; there is a code among cheaters. I’m sure everyone is familiar with the expression “Don’t S*#t Where You Eat.” Seriously keep that in mind. No neighbors, co-workers, your girlfriend’s family members - mothers are included haha...Don’t bring women to your home especially if you guys live together. Also don’t fall in love or end up making it a long-term thing and make sure that the girl you are sneaking around with understands that to. Be upfront with her and don’t lie about having a girlfriend. You can be completely upfront with the side girl and if she has a problem with it find another one. Just a word of advice fun but safe no attachment sex on a business trip or something usually is your best move…

Good luck! Words of wisdom from a PRO!

Amani

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009):

Dude, I have the same "problem." I think its purely psychological. With me my attention starts to wander and I start thinking about stuff like "I better do laundry tomorrow" or whatever. Its just something I need to work on. I need to learn (or relearn) to stay focused on the momentary pleasure and beauty of having sex. I didn't have this problem when I was younger, but I think getting older causes you to focus too much on what you NEED to do instead what you WANT to do. With a little effort, I do seem to be gradually improving in this area; I get closer and closer to having an explosive climax each time... instead of wilting away and losing interest.

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A male reader, tecno4lif United States +, writes (15 December 2009):

tornandtwisted , Im in the exact same situation as you. Im curious as to hear what you ended up doing?

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A male reader, JimmyJack Australia +, writes (9 August 2009):

I share the problems with the male writers on this forum. I love my younger gfriend so much but am not interested in sex with her. she just isnt sexy. Everything else is perfect! I dont know what this means. She is due to move-in, in a few months time...I am in my mid-30s and time is moving on...I would love a family with her, but after 2 years or so I dont think we have ever had a strong sex life. We have tried everything but I lose interest. She loves it. In comparison, the woman I was seeing before her was 10 yrs older and amazing. I dont know if I should end things with my current ex too. She is a an amazing person, but I feel like I am cheating myself..

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A male reader, whiteflag United States +, writes (25 May 2009):

tornandtwisted: I'm wondering if you are future me. I am still in my relationship - but have serious doubts at this point. And I've been feeling pretty bad about it. I don't have an answer for you, but thanks for sharing - I feel better knowing that at least I'm not the only person struggling with this situation.

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A male reader, tornandtwisted United States +, writes (13 May 2009):

I'm a mid-thirties single male, never married, no kids. I've been broken up with my ex-girlfriend of 4 years, for about 7 months now. We lived together for the last six months of our relationship, before I broke it off for the exact same reason; I honestly never found her sexy, or generally sexually attractive. I suppose I found her sweet, and cute, and incredibly nurturing, giving, supportive, and most of all, tolerant (of me).

It's been seven months, and I still feel awful. I feel guilty. It's made it hard for me to truly move on. My ex and I have maintained a friendship, so far. We both say that we are like family to one another, and genuinely care for and about the other person, naturally. It gets complicated because I've been secretly seeing someone else on-and-off since our break up, I can't bring myself to tell my ex. The person I'm seeing was a mutual friend of ours. We weren't close friends, but there was always a certain chemistry between us that we never acted upon, and only rarely ever even ran into each other in group outings.

I feel so torn. I feel okay, I suppose, about having been honest about my feelings and needs in wanting to be with someone I readily, naturally, found sexy and desirable, but feel like garbage for thinking that maybe I made a mistake, and should look past that aspect of my relationship needs ...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009):

YES! In the long run it's better! I just went through a similar experience where I dated a girl for three years. Half way into it I did not feel any attraction to her, but I still loved her as a person. If you continue the relationship it will hurt you and her both. Either way it will end, so end it before this happens!!

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A male reader, Son Of Jas Bahamas +, writes (26 February 2009):

Dear Dazzlar,

Do not break up with this girl, especially if you see a future with her. This is the exact reason we don't have longevity when it comes to relationships anymore.

Something must have attracked you to her in the first place, otherwise she wouldn't be your girl friend. If you feel it is worth the effort then I suggest getting a third party unbiased view i.e. couples counciling.

If she is a strong, sensible and realistic woman, as you said she is, then she would have picked up that something is wrong. Suggest the couples counciling to her, she might be more receptive than you think.

Tell her that you have come to a fork in the road with your relationship and would like to seek professional help before moving forward.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2008):

I'm having the same problem, but instead of blaming it on the smoking or drinking, I blame it on streess at work.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007):

i'm seeing a girl now... been about a month. i guess i was attracted to her at first but now i don't feel it anymore. i lose interest during sex/foreplay also. i'm glad this happened to me early in the relationship so i know not to get too serious. i guess i should get out but she's moving in december so i think that will make it easier. i guess for now i will just stick it out without telling her the truth... because we all know the truth hurts.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007):

I am in the same situation, I love my girlfriend to death and I am willing to spend the rest of my life with her but I’m not attracted to her sexually because she is very heavy. If she was not so heavy things would be different. Some people would say if I’m not attracted sexually then I don’t love her, I wish it was that easy but it’s not, I do love her and really don’t know what to do either. So you’re not alone.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007):

I am going through the same thing with a girl i have been seeing for 4 months and she thinks its strange i have not asked her out yet.

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A female reader, AngelofLove United Kingdom +, writes (4 January 2007):

AngelofLove agony auntDear Dazzlar, you will break her heart more if you are not honest with her. Neither of you are happy at the moment I am sure.

Angel of Love

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A male reader, Dazzlar +, writes (3 January 2007):

Dazzlar is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks all, i know honesty is the best policy but i don't want to break her heart i couldn't bare it. She is a strong, sensible and realistic woman so i need to wear my balls on my chest and tell her the truth. Thankyou you've been a great help.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (3 January 2007):

eyeswideopen agony auntI doubt very much that you are in love with her if you are not attracted to her. Do her a favor and be kind and move on.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007):

If you dont think its going to work out should break it off.

Tactfully though. You should not mention the lack of sexual attraction though if it can be avoided. She will likely take that much harder than a "its not you, its me". If you do go the sexual route she'll spend a lot of time obsessing about what went wrong and how she though everything was going ok all those times you two were having sex.

Better to leave all that stuff out for her sake if you can.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007):

Tell her exactly how you feel and get it over with. don't string her along, that just isn't fair! You are living a lie and shouldn't keep this going. I think it is the best thing to let her know and see how things go from there on.

Take care

xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007):

Wow, no no no, you do not carry on trying to have sex with her just because you don't want to upset you.

If you continue down this road, your girlfriend will quickly pick up on the way you reject her, she will eventuilly find herself unattractive and before long other men will start catching her eye.

Be honest right from the beginning. If you wish to stay with her, there may be things you can do to change the way you see her. Sometimes guys "loose" interest in a girl sexually because they have some hidden fear of stability.

Honesty Honesty Honesty. You don't want to break up messily and for her to end up hating you. Lying will only ever do harm in the long term.

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A female reader, Pretty and proud United Kingdom +, writes (3 January 2007):

Pretty and proud agony auntthe one thing you do not do is pretend to her that you find her sexy, you can try buying her some sexy underwear or something that you think is pretty but if that doesnt work tell her the truth

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