A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my bf for 3 and a half years. Recently we are not getting along. I had a great job but I found out they were going to replace me so I quit. I tried to find a new job and I couldn't find one for 2 months. Which meant my partner had to pay the bills and rent. I felt awful. I attended job interviews with no success. It was frustrating. But I also had a nervous breakdown last year die to a bereavement so I have been struggling with anxiety and depression which I have attended therapy for. We began arguing because he said I should be doing more. I cleaned, cooked all meals and took care of every other thing I could. So this made me feel angry. I felt like his mother picking his dirty clothes off the floor. He left plates of food on the couch and didn't even clean the toilet after using it expecting me to. So I have ended up feeling irritated and not in the mood for sex now it's become awkward and impossible to initiate. So now he says what are you here for? He said you could at least give me oral sex if you don't feel like sex. I was disgusted. I don't know what to do I have tried talking and trying to fix things but he always thinks he is right. He expects all my money to be spent going to see his family in Europe which I understand he needs to but I feel like I am here to facilitate him and like he thinks I don't need anything. If he treated me a little better I would want to sleep with him. But I am not a sex doll with no feelings. What can I do ?
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (24 August 2018):
 First of all WHY did you pick up his dirty clothes and plates?
Yes, I get that he was covering for the both of you financially while you were job hunting, but that doesn't make you his house-elf or servant.
You wrote: "He expects all my money to be spent going to see his family in Europe " so YOU were expected to use your savings or income to go visit HIS family? while I get that it's nice (especially for him) to see family I think for him to EXPECT that your income should go towards that too, it just ridiculous. You could SAVE up that money for a "rainy day" like when you don't have a job but still have bills...
He could have gone alone.
I think you need to figure out HOW to communicate with him better. Because there are a lot of crossed wires here.
I doubt he TOLD you to run around and pick up after him, but you FELT that because HE he paying all the bills the LEAST you can do is keep the house until you get a new job... however, like I said in the beginning, you are not Dobby (house elf from Harry Potter jic) and you can keep a clean house and NOT pick up after him. YOU really don't owe him THAT. You just FELT like you did and I see that as a problem.
YOU two need to talk.
He thinks if you have sex, everything is fine. You think if you ignore things they will go away...
Neither will get you anywhere... TALK to him OP.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 August 2018):
 Did it actually come from management that they where going to replace you or was it rumours? Did you try talking to them and asking them what your options where?
It can be difficult to find new work, but two months is actually not bad going so you should be happy with yourself that you found one so soon. I can imagine it was a stressful time for the both off you, it is hard being out off work and it is hard being the person having to deal with all the bills.
It is difficult to deal with the loss off someone that we love, but it is good to hear that you seeked out help and I hope you are feeling better now. Anxiety and depression is a horrible illness so I hope you are getting better. It just takes time and sometimes professional help.
When he says you should be doing more has he actually said to you what he wants you to do? Have you both spoke about it properly? Yes it is hard for you with all your demons at the moment, it is also hard for your partner I am sure to watch you go through it all and feel helpless. It is a very hard thing for someone to try and understand and can be draining for them also.
It is okay to feel angry. If you feel all the house work is being left to you and you are both working full time then you both need to sit down and come up with a plan where you are both doing things equally, because if both off you are working full time then the house chores should be spread equally between you.
As for picking his dirty laundry up it is simple don't do it. Ask him to use the wash basket. If he doesn't then leave the clothes lying on the floor. It is his mess. He will soon learn. If he leaves plates lying around then leave them there! He is an adult am sure he knows where the kitchen sink is! If the toilet is dirty after he uses it ask him to clean it.
Off course you felt irritated, but at the same time it was your choice to do these things for him so he just got used to it and figured you would do them. You need to simply stop doing it.
The way he spoke to you was not fair, but I am guessing he is frustrated sexually and you are frustrated emotionally so that is why you are both not getting along so well.
You need to sit down and talk to him, you both need to be honest and listen to each other. Communication is a big part of any relationship. If he always thinks he is right then that is because he feels he is, but you need to ask him to listen to you, and you need to talk calmly and not get angry.
If his family live overseas then I think it is important that you both visit them. You say you feel you are their to facilitate him but you also need to remember when you lost your job all his money went on bills to keep a roof over your head and food in your belly so is it really hard to save some money so he can spend time with his family?
Off course you are not a sex doll. Again the communication has broke down you need to tell him what you want. Both off you need to go out on dates and have some fun. Talk to him, tell him you both should give it six months to see if you can work on things and if it doesn't improve then it is time to call it quits.
Remember most relationships go through hard times and bad patches, sometimes it makes us stronger, you just need to work hard to resolve the issues between you both. Maybe a trip away to see his family will do you both good.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2018): You got together because you liked and loved each other but your recent bereavement has knocked you sideways.Now you are in the stage of anger.This is actually another step in the bereavement process.How many women have noticed the excess cleaning they do?You can do it quietly or humourously with a cute sign saying 'flush it,shut it!' or you can pick the bleach up and hand it to him saying ' Wash this around the bowl!' If he funded you and covered all costs it isnt too much to put some money by for visiting relatives but I think you need a bit of a "I love me session."You have a right to be angry so dont resent yourself for it.Think of anything you can do that doesnt revolve around him and then think of anything you can do that is more enjoyable with him such as an evening at the cinema etc.Then tell him thats what you want him to do.By the time he's clumsily trawling for a bj to reignite you know he's noticed he's not getting any and he misses it.So set him the target of what you want him to do and he might pick up on your cue that a normal conjugal relationship might resume. And he will work for it. And while he's working towards doing something nice for you, you can try talking to him directly to his eyes so that he starts to feel the connection again.And get him to the level you want him to be on.
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