A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I put myself in a very difficult situation and don't know where to go from here.Recently I had an affair with a coworker.I'm a married woman and feel horrible about it. I wasn't planning on it, believe me. When I look back, I realize that we both played each other into a friendship to eventually sleep together.He even mentioned at some point that he became my friend to sleep with me.In the course of the affair, we stayed in touch regularly and developed a close friendship, or at least I think so. I love talking to him and a day doesn't go by without us messaging or emailing.In the last month, however,he told that he has a girlfriend, and that he would like to commit himself to that relationship.What it meant was that we would no longer be seeing each other. We stopped communicating for a week after he said that and then all of a sudden he started messaging me again.It's been a while since that happened and now we talk every single day. He's sweet and caring, always asks how I'm doing.I can tell he's very interested in me.I feel like I'm still in a relationship with him except we don't see each other anymore.When I asked him to see me so we could talk, he refused. When I see him at work, he acts very awkward yet in his emails he's the most romantic and interesting person I have ever met.At this point, I just don't know what I'm doing here.My marriage aside, what am I doing with this guy? We talk for hours each day, I'm very attracted to him, I can tell he likes me a lot, so what's the deal?He says we are friends but I feel like he's not telling the whole truth here.
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affair, at work, co-worker, has a girlfriend, married woman Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 February 2016):
 If your marriage is so worthless to you that you tell us to put it aside, then surely the kindest thing you can do is to let your husband go free so he can meet someone who actually treats him well, who doesn't cheat on him. If you have any feelings you would do this for him. Then hey you are free to sleep and email with whoever you like.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (10 February 2016):
 I would strongly advise you to forward his emails to his Girlfriend and your Husband. The brilliant light of exposure is the only cure for the festering infection of an affair.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2016): You should be talking about this to your husband.
You made your choice. Now at least give him the courtesy of letting him choose if he can forgive or if he wishes to pursue a different life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2016): Care to give us some backstory about your marriage and the man you're actually married to? Have any nice things to say about him?
Putting your "marriage aside" speaks volumes about your character. Your attitude is quite cavalier and entitled.
If your marriage is unimportant to you, end it.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (10 February 2016):
 "My marriage aside, what am I doing with this guy?"
What were you doing with this guy in the first place? You both can't have each other, so why be with him. If you wanted just sex, you got it and it's over. There is no more to be gotten out of this situation. You are not divorcing to be with him, and he is not even leaving his GF to be with you. He maybe talking to you hoping to keep you in reserve for some sex down the line but it is evident you are nowhere on his relationship radar. It is you who should have never been with him in the first place let alone wonder what's wrong with him in rejecting you. You cannot be married and have a relationship with another man at the same time; one of them is extra.
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A
female
reader, Imogen2511 +, writes (9 February 2016):
Why is he emailing and texting me? Why doesn't he cut ties with me if he moved on and is in the relationship?
He finds some silly excuse to talk to me. Every day. Why is he doing this?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 February 2016):
 Where do you go from here?
You accept that he's moved on and doesn't want to continue seeing you.
He said it out loud and has done nothing (beyond idiotically continuing to email you and talk to you) to indicate that you two will be together again.
The deal is he's doing a piss-poor job of breaking up with you and is keeping you emotionally attached despite his having moved on.
You aren't really still friends, you want more, and that disqualifies you as a friend at this point.
I think the sensible thing for you to do is to cut ties and cut contact, so you can start the appropriate process of mourning the end of a relationship. You're hanging on with both hands and all your toes to a dead relationship. Let it go.
What are you doing with this guy? I don't know. You seem to be hanging on to something that was ever going to be fleeting to begin with. It must be some kind of avoidance mechanism on your part that you can't see it for what it is....
Sorry.
Cut contact, block, and research the grieving process. Right now, you are in the denial phase.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2016): No woman goes into extramarital relationship unless her marriage is on the rocks. Your extramarital relationship aside, How is your relationship with your husband? Is he disinterested in you? Can your marriage be fixed? What are the chances of getting divorce if you are unhappy with him. All these facts must be considered to reach a solution.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 February 2016):
 What do you mean, "marriage aside"?!! Are you out of your mind? You should be asking us what you should do to get your marriage back on track and not brushing it aside and asking us what the deal with your lover is.
Here's the hard truth. You are married. He is in a relationship with someone else and even though he's nice to you via email, he has no interest in meeting you or sleeping with you.
Focus on your marriage and leave the co-worker alone. Stop responding to his mails. He's chosen his girlfriend over you. His words mean nothing and you know it. People can say what they want but if they don't back it up with their actions then it means nothing.
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