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I'm married but struggling with the sexual tension between me and a colleague....

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 October 2011) 9 Answers - (Newest, 11 October 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

A few months ago I started working at a school as a Teaching Assistant and I have found myself becoming really attracted to one of the Teachers I work with. The problem is Im married with a child, only recently married.

When I first started working with him I found him attractive, but it has gone beyond that now. The sexual tension between us is unbearable and I find myself fantasising about him and counting down the hours until I see him again... The tension is so bad that we barely speak and can hardly stand to look at each other. I get goosebumps when he is in the room. I get the feelin he feels the same as he is very shy and I catch him looking at me. Also when he found out I was married he seemed genuinely disapointed.

I dont know what to do because I really love my husband but I have never felt like this about someone. I cant even explain it, the hairs on my neck stand up. Its not love but it is the strongest chemistry I have ever felt towards anyone. I know I should ask to be placed somewhere else but part of me desperately wants to see what it feels like to be with him intimately. I would never leave my husband and my child... but sometimes I think that if I just kissed him that the tension would release... but then I know I could end up falling for him which would be awful.

Could someone please tell me something to help put me off him!! Im going absolutely crazy.

View related questions: I work with, shy

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011):

Read a few books on affairs, and how they destroy families, children's childhoods, and your own trust and self esteem in the end.

My wife was having and emotional crisis 10 years ago, had an affair, briefly, and has suffered terribly from it for the entire time since. It was all I could do to keep our marriage together and I nearly ended up asking for a divorce, I did not know about the affair, and we do have kids, but it was failing, and we were failing, till she confessed her affair and after over 8 years of dealing with her emotions internally she and I got professional help. The interesting thing, the sex wasn't even that great during the affair, it was a bust in fact and they only had sex a few times, but that was driving the affair to happen "to be intimate" with someone outside the marriage seemed so irresistibly erotic.

Then, it was just sex, like any other not so great sex, with no orgasms, no romance, and you face the end of your world you have built up all for a new experience that makes you feel high for a brief time.

Like a drug.

"only recently married."

Something is wrong in you and your marriage...not necessarily anything to do with your spouse though.

"The sexual tension between us is unbearable and I find myself fantasising about him and counting down the hours until I see him again..."

No, it is bearable, you just have to realize how horrific this destruction will be to your family. Fantasize about that for a while, fantasize about your child growing up knowing that "mom cheated on dad" and "dad divorced mom because she cheated on him". Visualize that, and how your child will think about you.

"I dont know what to do because I really love my husband but I have never felt like this about someone."

This is the fantasy of the affair....it isn't real.

"I know I should ask to be placed somewhere else but part of me desperately wants to see what it feels like to be with him intimately."

Ask to be transferred, or get professional counseling help and work on your marriage to figure out what is going on in your own head.

"I would never leave my husband and my child..."

But, more likely than not, if you cross this line you will end up in divorce even if your husband never finds out. If you husband finds out, then more likely than not he will divorce you.

"I think that if I just kissed him that the tension would release..."

No, not until you fuck him will it release, maybe more than once, then the horror starts at some point when the "fog of the affair" ends and reality intrudes. Read about that fog, and recognize it for what it is.

"Could someone please tell me something to help put me off him!! Im going absolutely crazy."

Read...plenty of information on the internet.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011):

Please do not go there, you will end up in the most terrible place and it will be something you have to live with for ever. I have followed a story on there and maybe you should take the time to read it by Mae5 called My Paramour used me for sex. It is similiar to your case and 3 years later she is still on Cupid with her head all messed up and asking for help and answers. Reading you and her stories this is a place you do not want to end up in. Stay clear and one day you will have your dignity and sanity in tact. If you think you are in a bad place at the moment read Mae's story and find out how much worse it could get.

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A female reader, PR_Scorpio United States +, writes (10 October 2011):

Sexual chemistry is something you will feel with other people even if you're married. The thing is that you cannot give in to that temptation/sexual chemistry. It really isn't worth it. A kiss will most likely lead to something more and you will end up regretting it and feeling guilty. If need be, ask to be transfered to another class or another side of the building where you don't have to see him often. Trust me, run from this tempation, it can ruin your life and your marriage.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (10 October 2011):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntLet's use your request: "Could someone please tell me something to help put me off him!!"

Go, take an assistant teaching position as some school that is no less than 1200 miles (about 1800 km) away....

There, you have your question answered!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011):

Stop now before it goes any further... I am speaking from experience and it will be the worse thing you will ever do if you cross the line... I did and now it's been 6 months since we were together. We did this for over a year. You will feel worse than ever if you get intimate. Do whatever it takes to NOT cross the line!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011):

I am the original poster.

Thanks for te replies, all good advice. It is true that he might not feel the same, but I do think he does, if not a bit. Im 24 and though not the most attractive woman in the world I do have admirers so it wouldnt be completely unlikely. He also has a long term girlfriend which I think makes things more awkward too because we both know its wrong and unspeakable.

I've been thinking about some of the things and I definitely dont want to lose my family or job over this. I think I'm going to try and move classes and make a bit of room between us. Thanks.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011):

Chemistry is a powerful thing. That sense of desire that goes beyond explaining is hard to resist. But here you have to look reality in the face. Does he really feel as you feel? Do you want to risk a good marriage? A fling would not be the answer - you could find yourself further drawn in. So simply, you have too much to lose. You must struggle on and try to distance yourself from him .so heis not so much of atemptation

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011):

OK........something to put you off...Your recently married and have a child, so I am assuming you wouldn't want to hurt either your husband or child all for a quick snog and grope?

How would you feel if it were your husband with a crush on a colleague?

Yes you could change jobs, but I think the attractions one sided or he doesn't do married women or he's a professional at work. Its something you will have to get over one way or another.

Focus on your marriage - is something missing, are you happy, do you really want to risk losing everything? Make an effort to enhance your marriage and homelife and forget the crush.

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A female reader, belize United Kingdom +, writes (10 October 2011):

belize agony auntYou're not alone... I don't think you can help falling for someone, especially if the chemistry is strong.

My advise is for you to look at what you stand to lose, your job,your family, even your integrity.Think how much you could lose. Are you willing to give up so much just to satisfy your guilty pleasure.

Do nothing just learn to keep things in to prospective. Eventually the feelings will get less and less. You need invest more quality time in your relationship at home. Are you enjoying your job? Ask yourself this question,

Step back, and allow them to focus on their relationship. In the long run you will thank your lucky star that you did'nt let your heart rule your head,and you don't have to keep looking over your sholder.

Best of luck

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