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I'm married but lonely! What should I do?

Tagged as: Faded love, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 August 2008) 12 Answers - (Newest, 26 March 2011)
A female United States age 30-35, *onfused and lonely writes:

I am married with children and I am unhappy. I am not thinking about cheating or anything because I don't think thats fair, but i find myself fantasizing about being in a happy relationship where my husband cares about me. He is not directly mean to me (most times)

but just shows no concern with my feelings or almost anything i have to say. I want to leave him sometimes very badly and then other times he seems to be okay. He can be very sweet and caring but only when he wants to be. He sometimes acts superior and better than me and he has told me many times that he "dont really want to hear my story about when i was young" or "how my day went" because i talk about my job too much or i talk about myself too much. The thing is he knows very little about me because he never wants to hear me say anything he just looks past me at the tv when i talk. I am so lonely and i want someone that cares about me and enjoys seeing me happy and enjoys that i am concerned about them.

I feel like he is very emotionally unavailable and i will never be able to have someone to talk to about anything and he will never care to talk to me. I want a friend in him. I have told him how i feel just for him to say that i am making a big deal out of nothing and that i wouldnt want to hear about his work or his childhood so why do i expect him to care about mine.

I am lonely and i have found myself more and more looking at random men in public thinking "i wonder if he listens to his wife" and "i wonder if he is considerate of his wife". I have found that i tell my friends everything and thats great because that gives me someone to talk to but i want to be talking to my husband about my day not my friends. I sometimes childishly dream about having a better relationship, no price charming, but just someone that cares about me and wants to know more about me not someone that wants me to shut up.

I sometimes wonder why he is even here and how could he love me because he dont know anything about me. how could he when he dont talk to me. It was not always like this, he has always been a little on the noncaring side, but things have gotten worse over time. What am i supposed to do?

I dont want to leave i just want to be happy. I know i cant explain everything in here but i tried my best. I hope someone can give me some good advice.

View related questions: want to be happy

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011):

I go to bed with my husband but I still feel alone. We are newly weds and I feel like we have been married for 50 years.

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A female reader, IJustGottaMakeIt United States +, writes (8 February 2011):

I am 23yrs old and keep asking myself why did I get married.. I have only been married for a year but I am not happy.. I often feel so unappreciated and used but for some reason I can't seem to put him out of my life.. I think for me it's my whole "THIS IS MY FIRST AND LAST MARRIAGE ATTITUDE" but deep inside I'm hurting.. It's like I sacrificed my own happiness to make sure he was happy.. I often find myself putting him first even before me when I know he doesn't deserve it. We constantly fight over little things and i'm not sure if I want to be with him anymore.. I love him but I also know that sometimes you have to love something enough to let it go.. I don't wanna throw my marriage away but DAMN when is it enough...

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A male reader, chrisxjxhx United States +, writes (8 August 2009):

As husband of 7 years and a father of 5 years iam guilty of this behavior and i offten fear it will end my marrage my wife is a college grad and has her own buisness. i must admit that i feel like i have no control of my life and she calls the shots but like me i find her very emotionaly unavalible we try to talk but i have found that we dont share the same intrist after 12 years we have very little incommon. so like me it could be that weve heard all that the other had to say and now where do you go. your husband must care maybe hes just like the rest of us after a long day of dealing with co-workers and bosses he just cant bear any more chatter and wants to be in a quiet place. i know this wont be of much help but i thought i would give you some insight of how he could be thinking good luck

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A female reader, Confused and lonely United States +, writes (29 July 2009):

Confused and lonely is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Cheysula, I must say that is great advise. It has been a while since I wrote that. My husband and I ended up splitting up for a while he started trying to find company in other people mainly another woman, we were two people living two lives and since I was about 5 months from graduating nursing school I was very busy and when we talked it was a lot about my schooling. I think he started feeling inferior. After a short while we got back together and have been trying to do a lot together as a couple and we talk a lot about our feelings we have realized that we should have listened to each other more. We now try to talk a lot and make each other the center of our lives and he has started therapy and been taking antidepressants. We hope to soon be going to therapy together and making things right all along. I will try to keep everyone posted as things go along!

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A female reader, cheysula United States +, writes (22 July 2009):

How long has this been going on? Is he going through a rough patch at work? Are you more successful (or seemingly more successful) than he is? It could be he's shut you out because talking to you makes him feel like a failure in contrast. He may act superior precisely because he feels he is not.

1. Try something simple: Initiate sex. Often. Make him feel manly. And don't, don't, don't engage in pillow talk, b/c then he'll think you just gave him sex to make him talk.

2. Make your own life interesting. New clothes. Go skydiving. Take in a museum. Do things that he will want to know about. See if he will go along with you. Then you'll have something to talk about together. New mutual hobbies would be best.

3. This may sound manipulative, but: Get your kids involved. If your kids are old enough, get them to help you wheedle him into going somewhere together. Tell them you won't go (somewhere fun) unless daddy's going too, and they will do all they can to drag your hubby along with no coaching from you. If your kids are babies, you'll have to do the wheedling yourself. But don't give up! You want him to feel bonded to you and the kids, so he'll stop trying to tune you out.

4. If all that goes well for a while, try asking him advice about things. Get him to help you solve problems. Again, making him feel connected to you and give him power and confidence without the arrogance. After a while of this, you can drop in other related things. Like, if you're asking his opinion about something at work, you can mention something else from work.

It will take a long time, but hopefully this will help. :)

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A female reader, karmagonebad United States +, writes (22 July 2009):

I can't believe that you look at guys in public and think about if they listen to their wifes...I thought I was a horrible wife for doing similar. I often imagine myself with someone who listens, cares and goes out of his way to cheer me up when I'm upset. He has no face, no body, no money or social status...I know there are guys like prince charming out there but I really love my man and want things to work. The problem is...how can I work them out by myself? I'm baffled that he can look at me crying and be mad that I'm upset. He says he won't say he's sorry since he did no wrong. What happened to just trying to act like you care? I feel so alone, so excluded. I've done everything to be a great wife. I feel so lost, at times I want to leave this earth but I think I'm carrying our first child. I'm so scared that this baby won't help but it's what he wanted. How can he be ready emotionally for a child when I'm not happy emotionally. Uh...someone please help before I lose my mind. How can I get him to understand how badly his neglect hurts me?

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A female reader, RETIRED2TV United States +, writes (20 November 2008):

I myself am in the exact same type of relationship, my husband does all the things he's supposed to do but he shows me no love,affection or even concern. I wanna leave him but i just keep getting mixed up inside. My children are grown now so their not a reason to stay but somehow i can't manage to leave.

I too daydream about being in a happy relationship and what it would feel like but that's as far as it goes. I use to have alot of friends but he nagged about them being around so much. Now i have one true friend and she doesn't even come around anymore but we talk everyday on the phone.

While i was trying to simplify my life so that me and him could be closer he just started to pull away.

I found this site today hoping that maybe with new people in my life maybe, just maybe other people experiences and advice will help steer me in the right direction. I think my biggest problem is the fear of being alone - but it seems that i'm always alone anyway. What can be worse?

Retired2tv is my screen name because that's literally what i've done, i spend all my time (even when he's home) with my 42 inch tv and the remote and i turn every feeling of loneliness off.

[Moderator's note: Please avoid writing in all caps!]

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A female reader, yankeetrader United States +, writes (4 August 2008):

I'm glad you don't feel like odd man out.

This morning I asked my husband to pick a therapist because it's time we talked. The firs time I asked him to go to counseling with me he said, "Sure, but do I have to talk?" Now this time( nine months later) he said nothing and gave me a blank look. Ten minutes later, he said, "I'll find one close by when I come home from work". We shall see. I don't want us to break up, but how long can I stay in this relationship where I am not the Stepford wife he is looking for? I get the feeling this is the beginning of the end...

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A female reader, pepper27 United Kingdom +, writes (3 August 2008):

pepper27 agony auntgo on your own hunny you will benifit from it and it will help alot, It may take time but you will get so much out of your system and then be able to think alot clearer about were you want to go with this hun, TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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A female reader, Confused and lonely United States +, writes (3 August 2008):

Confused and lonely is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks everyone. I think that once reading the replies so far I feel like "WOW alright someone understands" I was worried that some replies may be criticizing of me but I am glad to know there are other people that know how I feel. It is very nice to talk to someone that knows what you are talking about and where you are coming from. As for therapy, I have asked him to go with me and he says "i dont believe in all of that". I know that i should go anyway but i havent yet.

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A female reader, pepper27 United Kingdom +, writes (3 August 2008):

pepper27 agony auntWell hunny you have just descibed my first marriage, I no just how you feel I would be excited to talk about anything like you how my day had gone and past childhood experiences just sit together and chit chat like a couple of mates and have a good time laughing and being happy..But no like your siuation I was told to shut up on many occation now I noticed your age at the top, I was about the same age when things really started to get me down I had 2 children and all you need is a little love someone to confide in and hug..But its not there and you do and will feel so terribly lonely..I went for counselling first on my own then he agreed to come and apparently in his eyes I wasnt Intelligent enough for him he didnt want to talk about rubbish as he called it..He wanted a deep and meaningfull talk about politics and the such, Well thats not me and Im sure you just want to no you exist within his heart and mind and when you feel nothing its so painfull love, I would suggest marriage counselling, You need to talk to someone and as I did it helped so much to get it all off my chest and when he came I realised that over the years we had both changed I was always bubbly and happy he used to like life and have fun but he wasnt this way anymore, much more serious pressure of family I dont no as things could have been harder...If you can get him to go to a counsellor then maybe you can find out whats going through his head love..My marriage didnt last I did leave in the end but not without trying. Thats all you can do hunny try everything and if he refuses to help your marriage then you have some serious thinking to do as I found it impossible to live like this it got so depressing and lonely. If you need a chat love message me anytime TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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A female reader, yankeetrader United States +, writes (3 August 2008):

I am married to a man that shows very little emotion. I have even stated to him (I'm not sure it was a smart thing for me to do) that I can be in the same room with him and feel like I am all alone.He absolutely did not understand what I was talking about, but I bet you do! I think my man would jump for joy if I became a Stepford Wife. Then life would be the even keel he wants it to be. I don't know what the answer is except I have to nurture myself because I don't and probably never will get it from him. He tries to but he's really clueless. Even if I explain to the best of my ability and he says he understands, he will not carry the same type reasoning into the future. He is emotionally stunted because of his tryannical father and petrified mother. However, I have felt that the responsibility for doing anything about his emotional state is up to him. He is happier not changing though. For instance, he would gag, cough and just about throw up every morning before work for all his adult life. Then he got nervous about an upcoming training trip and went to get some help from tranquilizers. Three weeks after taking them, he announced he was cured from this lifelong affliction and stopped taking them. I give up! It's a frustrating existence for me and I either live with it or get out of the relationship. The scary part for me is I'm an older woman.

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