A
male
age
51-59,
*lobalscot
writes:How to start...I am 44 years old and have fallen in love with a 25 year old Russian girl who I met in Moscow while working there for 2 years. I am married (for 18 years) and my wife has never been able to have children. We have recently started looking at surrogacy and at a point where we must choose to move forward or not. It is something that we have both wanted for a long time and seems the quickest way to have a child and ensure I do not go to my grave childless. My relationship with my wife is good and she loves me totally. She works hard, looks after me and really could not be a better wife. We are very financially secure, both having very well paid jobs.We had been living apart while I was in Moscow (travelling back every few weeks) and I lived like a single man there. I met this girl over a year ago and we went out many times before we slept together. She is beautiful, funny but certainly a little immature. We had a lot of intimate times together and could not keep our hands off each other when we were together. She is itelligent and not what many on this board would identify with a 'Russian bride' type. She moved away to London to study in September last year but we kept in touch. She is now in Paris, I am back with my wife in London but still think about how life would be with her every day.It is certainly affecting my life. I do not want to make any plans, I think over what have been and it affects my ability to concentrate at work. I recently went for my 1st councelling session but not sure if I want that to tell me to stay or to leave. My questions for help are:1 - How do I know if my feelings for the russian girl are true or just an infatuation2 - After 22 years together with my wife, how do I tell if it is time for us to move on or whether I still love her?3 - Would the inclusion of a child into our marriage help us or will it make me feel totally trapped?4 - What areas should I first explore with the councellor?Appreciate constructive comments or suggestions.Thanks for reading
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at work, immature, move on, trapped Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (11 June 2012):
 I am sorry to hear about your baby. My mother passed away 10 years ago, so I know the pain. There's nothing in the world that you make you feel better. Nothing!! No words can comfort you... I truly hope from the bottom of my heart that you can find some peace, and find happiness. Good luck with counselling. I do believe there's hope for you, because you are a very smart man, successful, and what's important is that you know that you are wrong and need help.
Best wishes!
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (9 June 2012):
 What is it that you want out of life?
If it is to have a normal monogamous loving relationship with trust and mutual respect, well I don't think that will ever happen unless you change how you treat women.
Nothing else is to blame, it's you that has to change. If you don't, it's completely pointless asking which woman you should be with.
Is it time to stop lying now?
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A
male
reader, Globalscot +, writes (9 June 2012):
Globalscot is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the open advice. I would agree that I really am selfish in this and am not being totally open with either woman. I am a serial adulterer as I have had numerous flings and affairs over the years which started after we lost our first baby at 24 weeks.
I know that it is going to take some time to work through all my issues and I do wonder if it is already too late for me in my marriage. I cannot imagine many women who would put up with my kind of messing around.
My wife and i are both very successful in our careers and certainly work too much which prevents us from spending a lot of time together now that I am home again. It is taking time for both of us to adjust to living in the same house again.
I know that I am putting both our lives on hold by not making the mental choice to move on or not. I would agree that the relationship with my Russian friend will probably never work. She knows I am married but thinks that I recently separated...I am lieing to her as well!!
Time for some more counselling..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2012): Absolutely not... Don't bring a baby into the equation this is about you your wife and whatever it is you feel for the other woman, a baby will just complicate matters more. Personally I think you do love your wife, but your lust for the other woman is clouding it. Maybe you just need to rekindle the flame with your wife by doing more things together and spending quality time like going for meals, have a holiday/vacation etc... stuff like that, and break contact with this other woman, she has no right to come between the marriage of two people who exchanged vows and made a commitment to each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2012): What's the most interesting is the stereotypes that people put on women from Eastern Europe including OP : not your typical Russian bride.
Despite the fact that it's a well known fact that Russian women not only the most beatifull ones, but also intelligent, well educated, hard working devoted women who mostly make best wives and mothers.
With that said i think that a child is a bad idea to correct the situation. What OP knows that it's not a wise idea to stay with so much younger woman, but wise to continue living with his loving wife.
You have doubts as you reached a mid age when men are turning into young studs mentally fearing old age. It will go away. Stay with your wife. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (31 May 2012):
Let’s break this down question by question then:
1) Your feelings for the Russian girl: You describe a sexual relationship, but was there any more to it than that or was it just about lust? Take away the sexual chemistry, and is there anything else? What about her immaturity, which you made reference to. Do you think that the age gap, or even just the differences in your personalities, would actually make you incompatible for anything more than an affair? What about her own expectations in life: you haven’t intimated at any point in your post that she’d even want a relationship with you, so you’re considering leaving your wife for a girl without even knowing what she’d want. And would you move where her studies, or future work takes her or expect her to give up everything to be with you? It doesn’t sound from your post, like you’ve given any thought to how a relationship with this woman might be. Maybe you were flattered by a younger woman, perhaps you enjoyed the freedom of living away from your marital home, but it sounds very much like an infatuation, or you’ve thought about this in much more detail than has come across in your post to the site. Does this woman even know you’re married, and that you’d be leaving a wife to be with her? If she does know, she’s allowed some-one to cheat on their wife with her, which surely is a pretty grim sign. And if she doesn’t, she’ll basically have to start from scratch getting to know you as you hid the truth from her, and lying isn’t a great start.
2) Feelings about your wife: Look at the wording you use in question 3. If you loved your wife, would you even consider that you’d feel “trapped” by a child you say that you’ve both wanted for so long? You don’t seem to show any regret for the affair that you had with the Russian girl, and, by the way, why didn’t you resist temptation in the first place? People don’t just cheat and risk destroying a perfect relationship. If you loved your wife, you’d at least have a strong desire to consider what was wrong in your relationship to begin with and make every effort to fix it. Relate offer marriage counselling, for example. How strong is your desire to fix your marriage? If you took the Russian girl out of the picture, would you still feel that you might like to leave the marriage? If not, perhaps you just had your head turned and need to find a way to come to terms with the fact that, in reality, the grass probably wouldn’t be greener on the other side. But if you would, maybe you don’t love her. Whether you cheated because you’ve fallen out of love, or because you were trying to escape from something (for instance arguments, financial worries, or the pain of not being able to have children), is something I can’t tell you. I’m afraid you want easy answers, and there aren’t any. For instance, let’s turn (in the wrong order I know) to question 4. You write in your post: “I recently went for my 1st councelling session but
not sure if I want that to tell me to stay or to leave.” Well, actually, the counsellor won’t tell you to do anything: it’s likely that they’ll ask you more questions to help you think it out yourself. What should you explore with the counsellor? I’d say the first 3 questions are a good starting point, and maybe what you focus on will depend on how you feel about your wife and your future together. You need to figure out why you cheated, and, indeed, the role of the Russian girl in all this. If you do decide to leave your wife, you might want to talk about how you’ll do that, but that could be some way down the line. Just use the questions you asked us as a guide for now.
3) A child: So lastly, we turn to the question about children. Thinking that a child will fix a marriage and make everything else go away would be a big mistake. You really should not move ahead with this until you’ve made a decision about your future that you’re going to stick with, whether that’s in or out of this marriage. And if you are going to rebuild the marriage, you need to do that first. If you need to tell your wife that you’re not ready yet, so be it. It’s hard but you’ll have to do it. Until you’re sure of what you want, and that you definitely won’t feel trapped and resentful once the child has come along, you are not ready.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 May 2012):
 Please do NOT have a child with your wife, adding a child to this mess is just cruel. You and your wife have had 18 years to look at alternative ways to have children and you haven't so far, so why now? You think if you toss a child in the mix your wife will be distracted with raising the child so you can dillydally with another woman?
You say you have the perfect wife, yet you treat her like crap. CHEATING on her is dishonest, disrespectful, deceitful and disgusting. She may love you, but you CERTAINLY do not love her. IF you did you wouldn't treat her this way. You LOVE you and your ego.
As for counseling, I think it's good you are going, you certainly need it.
As for the young Russian girl. She was something new, young, exciting, vibrant "forbidden". She made YOU feel young. I get it. But you know what? That would have been TOTALLY
OK if you were single, but you weren't and you aren't. So with her, you have been living a lie. Does she even know that you are married?
You can not throw yourself into a new relationship WITHOUT ending the "old" one. I know it's easier to not end the old one, because it will make YOU look and feel bad. But honestly, don't your wife deserve a husband who is faithful and who actually LOVE her? Instead of you hanging on to her as a convenient fallback partner? Just in case the 25 year old don't work out?
I feel sorry for your wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2012): Sorry, bud, but if you had an affair and I was married to you then you and I would be in divorce court pronto.
Do your now wife a favor and tell her about the affair so she can move on and find a man that will be faithful to her and that will take his marriage vows seriously. She deserves that.
Then go back to that Russian girl so she can continue to play you and take all the greenbacks that you are throwing at her and once she has had enough of you and dumped you and she has targeted her next victim don't go crying a river.
Don't bring a child into this mess of a situation with your wife.
Man up and tell her the truth.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2012): No matter how much you are in lust with the russian sex bomb just remember to hide your wallet before you drop your pants again.
As for a kid: Hell No. Not with your lies, deceit, ultimate betrayal. Divorce your wife so that she can find a decent man to have a baby with. Someone who doesn't live like a single young bloke! So I agree, just tell your wife about your russian shenanigans and tell her you upgraded and well, its time to part ways. Harsh I know but its better than thinking your wife is second best to the russian sweetheart.
What to start/tell your counsellor: f*cking a 25 year old is not going to make you young again. Or single. Mid life lust crises. Definately yes.
You do not need a counsellor to tell you what you have done wrong: surely you are intelligent enough to comprehend your affair and the aftereffects of that great great great sexual activity. Perhaps your counsellor will help you with tools after your divorce. How to "be guiltfree" when you trade up. Or even tell you how you should look at your betrayal as a life event.
Whatever you decide do it quickly. I'm sure your wife has wasted 22 precious years of her life and I Know you will agree that she should find another man to help her attain her dream of having a baby. Good women are hard to find nowadays and I'm sure your wife does have ample drive within her to succeed after you.
Personally I don't know how you live with yourself. Pretending with your wife but yearning for the russian bride. Hey and please don't think your russian beauty has been keeping her legs closed while she's overseas. She knows that she has assets and I'm sure she's not shy to use them to get her places. After all you have first hand experience of her female wiles.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (31 May 2012):
#1. "How do I know if my feelings for her are true"?
Let me rephrase the question: how can you say you love this girl when you are treating the person you pledged love and loyalty to at your wedding like a piece of crap?
#2. "How do I know if I still love my wife?"
Well since you betrayed her I think the answer on that one is pretty clear as well.
#3. "Should I try having a baby with my wife to improve our marriage?"
Worst idea ever, OP. Baby's don't improve marriages, they complicate it. Also, how can you take responsibility as a father when you can't even stay loyal to the mother? You'd be insulting the child and your wife by doing this.
So now what? Well, start by dumping the Russian girl. She's 25, much too young for you and probably out to get your money. Gals like her hook up with guys like you because she knows she can play you like a puppet. She's raised into being tough and taking any opportunity she can get, and you're the easiest target she could find.
Next, tell your wife the truth. She deserves to know. She can then make the decision on whether she still wants to be married to you. If not, get a divorce and start on a clean slate. You can even take the Russian girl back, but if you end up with an empty wallet, remember: I told you so. But for heaven's sake, do NOT get a child with your wife because you'll only do the kid harm by placing it in a doomed relationship like that.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (31 May 2012):
Hi globalscot,
I have to agree with "auntyEm" and "starlights". Before you decide to have children with your wife, you need to decide what you want... Cheating is unacceptable, yet you ask so casually? I am in shock? Do you realize your actions? You are cheating on your wife, lying, this is the cruelest betrayal for any couple. If your wife finds out about this, I am sure the marriage is over. You said very nice things about your wife. She has a good career, good to you, cares about you, I can't understand why you would even consider cheating on your wife after 25 years that she has giving you? You've been cheating on your wife for more than 1 year and don't you feel guilty? Words cannot describe how this is unfair to your poor wife. Why are you the only one that have the right to choose? She's your wife, if you don't love her anybody, at least have the decency to tell her the truth and let her go with the respect that she deserves. I am sorry that you both are having difficulties having a baby, but this is no excuse. I hope you can solve this as soon as possible. It's hard not to get angry... I am sure you are a smart guy, but you are a selfish man. All I can think of is your wife...
Good luck and best wishes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2012): Don't kid yourself that you love your wife. If you did, you wouldn't have been living like a single man when you were away from her. Men who love their wives don't cheat on them and live as single men when away from home. Also realize that it's very likely sooner or later (maybe even far into the future) she will find out about your years-long affair. And when the truth comes out by itself it's always when you least expect it and aren't prepared to handle it. The damage will be far worse if your marriage comes to an end that way (or for it to continue on despite it), than for you to leave her now.You don't have to stay with your wife just because she's so devoted to you. In fact that would be extremely unfair to her because you are not devoted to her at all. If she really knew who you were, would she still be so devoted to you??? Don't you think she deserves to know that her life is a lie??She deserves to be with a man who's not lying and cheating on her!! She deserves to be with a man who loves her as much as she would love him. That man is most definitely not you so please finally do the decent thing and set your wife free.And if you need yet another reason to leave your marriage: bringing a child into an unhappy marriage, or a marriage built on lies and deception, is a set up for a dysfunctional family. Dysfunctional marriages (and adultery is a symptom of it, not the cause) lead to dysfunctional families. You have the power to stop this getting even worse, by not bringing an unfortunate new victim (a child) into this mess. if you really need to have your own biological children in order to feel complete and your wife can't have children, then you should leave her no matter how "bad" it makes you look. it's far better than committing adultery which actually reflects far more poorly on you than leaving your marriage. Plus you can't really be happy to continue this charade further because if you want more with the russian woman at some point you're going to have to leave your wife anyway. you're keeping yourself stuck in limbo. just do the decent thing and finally leave your wife so she can have a chance at a better life with someone else who will treat her better than you are.whether or not things will work out with the Russian woman is completely different issue. Any new relationship is a gamble, that's just how life is. If you are serious about seeing where that new relationship leads, then you have to leave your wife first so you can be free to explore where things go with a new partner. When it comes to love and relationships you can't hedge your bets without dragging other people through the mud, so don't do that anymore.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2012): "1 - How do I know if my feelings for the russian girl are true or just an infatuation"You can't know the answer to this question unless and until you divorce your wife , are free and clear as a single man, and enter into a REAL relationship with the russian girl - a relationship that is honest and open and which does not have guilt and secrecy and cover-ups as an undercurrent. Until you divorce your wife and enter into a REAL relationship with the new woman, there isn't a way to be sure if your feelings for her are true or just infatuation. In fact in most real relationship you can't be sure if the other person is "the one" for you or not (lots of people have relationship doubts even in real relationships), so what more in an false relationship that is artificially constrained by secrecy and guilt and anxiety. Right now you are not your real self around the russian girl because of your double life and the guilt and anxiety you feel. So you can't know if your feelings for her are real or not."2 - After 22 years together with my wife, how do I tell if it is time for us to move on or whether I still love her?"It seems obvious to me that you don't love your wife, if you've been willfully betraying her for the last 2 years. It's probably just guilt or fear of change that's making you continue on with your marriage while still stabbing her in the back unbeknownst to her. So this answer is pretty clear cut."3 - Would the inclusion of a child into our marriage help us or will it make me feel totally trapped?"DO NOT bring a child into your marriage!!! It is guaranteed to make your marriage even worse. Just do a google search for "do babies save marriages" if you dont' believe me. Your marriage is so unstable and probably is beyond repair by now. Please don't do this to your wife. Bringing a child into a relationship will strain even a strong healthy and normal relationship. It will be for sure the death of an unstable relationship. But it will be the innocent child who will suffer the most. please, please, don't have a child with your wife. Not now, maybe not ever, no matter how much your wife may want one. And please note, it's not all about YOU. You seem to only be concerned about how having a child with your wife will affect you - have you considered how it will affect the child itself to be brought into a household where the father is or has been betraying the mother? That's a family built on lies and deception. My brother was cheating on his wife because he was miserable with her. Then he got his wife pregnant because they both wanted to have kids and since they were married and she had no clue he was cheating on her of course she thought they should have kids together, so they now have a 5 year old child. And he is STILL cheating on her and she STILL doesn't know about it. Some day that kid is going to find out his dad has been cheating on his mom, and is going to disown his father. This is what happened to my best friend since childhood - when we were adults she found her dad had cheated on her mom when we were kids. She has now disowned her father, as have all her siblings. It is not wrong to fall out of love with your spouse. People change, that's life. But if that happens, the honorable thing is to either suck it up forever or divorce first if you want a new chance at a new relationship. Cheating on your spouse is betrayal. There is just no other way to put it. If you're seriously thinking about bringing a child into your highly unstable (and maybe irreparable) marriage, then I suggest you do the following: confess to your wife that you've been cheating on her for the last 2 years. Then after her reaction has subsided a bit (however long that takes), ask your wife if she still wants to start a family with you as a way to save the marriage. If she says OK, then sure go ahead and have a child. But to do it any other way - without confessing to her what you've been up to the last 2 years - is highly immoral and will forever alter the course of both of your lives and that of any child you might drag into your lives with you. What concerns me most is that you don't seem to understand that it's not all about you. When you've made contracts with other people (whether it is business or in this case marriage), they are counting on you to be who you present yourself to be. If who you are has changed, you need to make that known so the other person (your 'partner') can decide if they still want to continue on with you in this contract anymore. It's MORALLY WRONG to play games with other people's lives by witholding crucial information from them. Your wife needs to know who she is married to so she can decide if she wants to participate in this marriage anymore let alone have a child with you. It shouldn't be just up to you whether this marriage continues or not. Right now you're deceiving your wife. You need to stop. Either confess to her everything if you want to continue your marriage and have a kid, or else divorce her so you can finally stop lying to her. "4 - What areas should I first explore with the counsellor?"You should explore with the counselor why you chose to compromise your morals and commit adultery for two years rather than do the honorable thing of divorcing your wife first if you're so unhappy with her. Maybe you should also explore with the counselor how to develop the courage to divorce your wife. Look, it's extremely bad form to betray your spouse. You cannot claim to love your wife if you're betraying her and keeping secrets. That is not love, that is selfishness. So don't say that you love your wife. Love is self-less, not selfish. You may be emotionally attached to her because of the 22 years together, or desire the comfort of familiarity, but don't say that you love her because if you love someone you wouldn't want to be doing something behind their back that betrays their trust. You have a problem with her - you take it to her first like a man, and if the marriage can't be saved then you admit your share of your failure like a man and part ways as gracefully as possible. And THEN you can go out and start looking for someone new and date whomever you want, that's the ethical way to do it. Divorcing someone is not wrong if it's done out of honesty and integrity because you have the guts to admit you're not in love with her anymore or you just want a different life. But staying with her and pretending to be faithful and pretending to be someone you're not, while you're betraying her, is a very terrible thing to do as a person.
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female
reader, G's_Girl  +, writes (31 May 2012):
 Hi Globalscot,You came here for advice, not judgement, so here goes...It sounds like being with the 25 year old has brought a new lease of life into you - however, it is temporary. Pretending to be single, the risk of being caught, the excitement of a new relationship, and everything that encompasses, has got you confused. I'm sure that once upon a time, when you met your now wife, you also had that excitement, didn't you? You would be excited to think about her, and you couldn't wait to be with her. In fact, she must have been so special that you chose to make her the one, your wife, forever.You have been together 18 years, and you say your relationship is good, in fact, you say your wife could not be a better wife! well, that is something you must honour and cherish. You can't take that for granted.The mistake was your living like a single man while working in Moscow. You created an illusion which is not fair on your wife who deserves better, or your mistress who deserves better too. A single man who can be with her, who is honest and can give her a future. This younger, single carefree girl, do you really believe she will stay immature and naive forever? She too will want more, and if she knows that you are married, do you believe you can trust her to be loyal and faithful to you? Imagine when she is 45, you will be 64. Is she really going to be there for you? You should not worry if your feelings for her are true or an infatuation. The day you said your vows, you promised to forsake all others, including this Russian girl. Let her go free to find someone who is available, closer to her age and who is meant for her. As for your wife, you should not see being with her as a life sentence. You loved her once, you need to rekindle that. All the time you spend thinking of Miss Russia, you should be creative in devising ways to excite your wife. Travel together, re-discover each other, research questions on the internet to ask her, to discover things that surprisingly you never actually knew about each other. Become each other's best friends again, so that you have excitement in being with her. Find various activities you can do together, whether it's sport, hobbies or interests. What you spend your time and heart on, that is what will grow. Many people make the mistake of thinking a child will heal a relationship but often it has the opposite effect. The cracks that were there before, will still be there, with the compounded effects of lack of sleep, exhaustion and all else. So work on the relationship first, put her first, as your wife, and when that excitement returns, then thing about adding the blessing of a child.Allow the counsellor to guide your session. Don't be concerned about what you must explore first. Let him/her know everything - share from your heart, every thought and feeling, and let them then help you in choosing the way forward. Ultimately it will be your decision, but remember, we have to live with the choices we make. I wish you a restored happy marriage, and freedom from thoughts of what could have been, so that you live an authentic life, with your wife. Best Wishes.
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female
reader, Starlights +, writes (31 May 2012):
 answers;
1. by the way you feel. How do you feel when your with each of them? which of them do you have more in common with? feel comfortable with... basically list pro's and cons of each woman, and conclude from there
2. doing the above will give you the answer to this question
3. having children with your wife is a very bad idea when you are cheating and have little commitment to her , and then to bring a child into this is a little selfish
4. take it as it comes
Goodluck!
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (31 May 2012):
I think the first area you should explore with the counsellor is why you are so selfish, so blind to the situation you are in and so unable to see how much you are playing with other people's lives.
I do not think you should bring a child into the world with your wife...you don't love her or care about her, you are cheating on her...everything is about you you you!!!
This situation is out of control. I am not going to answer whether you love the russian but it's been many a foolish self obsessed old man who has gone running after a younger model, having taken the best years of his wife.
Sure those passions are exciting initially but the years will catch up with you and who knows if this young girl will take care of you in your old age??
Your wife is the only person that matters in this situation because you are making a fool of her by keeping her in the dark and leading her to believe you are a virtuous husband who wants to have a child with her...poor woman!!
Really you are a liar and deciever with your own agenda that, at it's best is a mid life crisis and at it's worse is manipulation and toying with someone else's life.
I am pretty sure you are not telling your counsellor the truth of what is going on...for counselling to work, you have to reveal the whole story so that you can find a solution.
If you want to do the right thing, you must let your wife know exactly what you have been up to so she has a choice to kick your arse to the kerb and divorce you. You cannot hang onto her like a life raft whilst you find out if your relationship with your mistress works out.
Be fair, be decent, be honest...cos right now you are acting like a love sick, selfish headless chicken, which for a man of your years is absolutely disgusting.
Shame on you!!!
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female
reader, harmless  +, writes (31 May 2012):
 Hi.think about what you are doing carefully.do you want to throw away your 18 year old relationship for a 2year old relationship?and that to for a 25 year old?it would be a stupid thing to do,don't hurt yourself or your wife,and especially a baby that you want,just for piece of mind.pray for your situation,god will show you the correct path.as far as I'm concerned the 25 year old will use you and dump you and then look for another sugar daddy.and you will be left alone.think wise.
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