A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I've been with my wife for over 15 years and we have children. We're happily married and get on great, only she's not really into sex. I've never cheated am and proud of the fact. We don't argue and are good parents. In the last 3 months I've started a friendship at work with a girl 15 years my junior and I've fallen head over heels in love with her. She herself has a boyfriend and is faithful to him, but she and I get on so well you wouldn't believe the chemistry. We flirt and meet for lunches, text each other and e-mail all day, but the day ends at 5.30pm. We have shared the most intimate secrets imaginable and make each other laugh like you wouldn't believe. We tell each other that we love each other but when I say it I suspect I mean it. She's beautiful and there's an obvious attraction from her side - she tells me so. She is not a tease. We've never kissed. I would never leave my wife and kids but this friend excites me incredibly. I yearn for her. Recently I've been thinking about nothing else and get mild chest pains and cry on occasion, when by myself. I cannot simply blank her as she's a good friend but the frustration is KILLING me. I cannot talk to anyone about this. I hate myself for letting my guard down, but feel amazing when with her. What can I do?
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female
reader, London1979 +, writes (21 October 2009):
Hi, I just had to reply to your post... I understand your feelings completly, I myself was in the same situation up until a couple of weeks ago, we were in love and it did lead to sex, it was so hard to deal with emotionally, more so the fact I could not get him out my mind...If you are still in the same situation please contact me and I will go into more detail, believe me I really wish I had someone to talk to a few weeks ago.....:)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): this has disaster written all over it. you are currently experiencing health issues because of your sexual attraction to this younger woman. please stop while you ca, or else you can lose your life over this as well. you may not be having a sexual realtionship YET but you have been embroiled in a messy emotional affair. you say that you will NEVER cheat on your wife. the reality is that you have already. perhaps you are either too stupid or naive to identify that you have strayed.
'I've never cheated am and proud of the fact." affairs are not only sexual. you are currently conducting yourself in an emotional one. so yes you have strayed. you are betraying your wife and kids and you are actually an adulterer. watch your life go downhill from now on.
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A
male
reader, Ransac  +, writes (25 September 2009):
Contact me. I am in your boat, and can give you a snapshot of what it's like a few years from now, but just don't want to post it in detail. I feel for you, tears and all!
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A
female
reader, xanthic + ♥, writes (25 September 2009):
 Honestly, you have no one else to blame but yourself for letting it get that far. Had you cut off this emotional affair in the very beginning, or even prevented it from happening at all, your situation wouldn't be nearly as complicated. Are you sure you're not really in lust, rather than in love? It could be that you're blinded by your physical attraction to her.
It sounds like everything is still new between you two, and therefore more mysterious and exciting. It also seems as though you're going through a honeymoon period with this woman, but without an actual relationship. Even if you did continue with her, you can be sure that feeling wouldn't last forever.
Personally I don't believe love is instantaneous, but rather something that grows over a period of time. Keep your interactions with your co-worker to a minimum, if you must speak to her be cordial but not overly friendly, and try to reconnect with your wife. Plan something the two of you haven't done before, use it as a way to get to know each other all over again. Adding some novelty into your marriage should help the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh my god I had no expectation that anyone was going to respond to my posting - this is more than impressive. All the responses make perfect sense, are totally logical, calm, thought out and reasonable. You're clearly all level-headed, experienced people. Many thanks, it's genuinely appreciated. It all helps.Of course none of this changes anything about how I feel about my 'friend' as I'm simply besotted. She's had much more life experience that you'd imagine for someone in her mid 20s, and I continually fantasise about being with her sexually, but at least have the common sense to know that's WRONG. I'd like to think I have good moral fibre but this is clearly the biggest test I've had in my life. I continually try and talk to my wife and attempt to seduce her but she's simply not interested. I'm not ugly whatsoever and receive attention from the opposite sex but for over 15 years have known to stay true. I feel unloved and therefore it's only logical that my interests are now focused on 'my new favourite distraction'. The line about 'jumping out of bed like it's Christmas' is AMAZINGLY accurate - I now wake up before my alarm and am dying to get to work, but actually do very little work once here. I feel strangely unguilty when I'm talking to my wife - it's like I'm addicted and it's something that is personal and only 'mine' - does that make sense? I cried again last night.
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  + ♥, writes (24 September 2009):
 Of course you are proud and rightfully so that you have never cheated and you will be even more proud if you continue to be loyal in your marriage, as long as it goes on at least. Your coworker must be around 20. I can't imagine a 20 year old that can level up to a woman that has "been through life". A married woman with life experiences that make a difference, and who currently may face some dilemmas vs. your behaviour, as it's likely she can tell something has changed in the way you look at her. My god, I would never have dared tell a married "friend" of mine I loved him even jokingly, is this actually a way to say hello? Times have changed. Don't feel guilty or not normal about the way you are feeling towards this girl, it's not uncommon to have some passing attractions even while we are committed in other relationships, but it's what we do with those feelings what matters. Maybe they feel strong now, but I bet you wouldn't have entered this area, had you had a loving and fulfilling marriage. This is merely a signal your marriage needs a push to move forward, to improve, as it seems it's currently in a big impass. I don't know if your sex life has always been a problem and why this is so, but if you are still attracted to each other, and there are no significant differences in the sex department, and even some of those can be worked out, then maybe everything is yet possible. I wouldn't think that a girl that has all the qualities in the world, but with whom you don't have much in common long term (apparently you are in mismatched phases in life), can be more than a temporary solution that fills this emotional void for you, most of all. Maybe you can bring your marriage back on track if you both try your best, rather than dwelling on the perfect coworker that you know of recently, as opposed to a wife that you know well and who has shortcomings like most people which at least should make her appear more real. These attractions might even be good in a way, because they remind you that you are alive, have forgotten that you want to have fun and want to feel good, but maybe you can explore the marriage more for all of these. All the best.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 + ♥, writes (24 September 2009):
 Most people here will tell you to cut all contact with this girl. But realistically what you're suffering from is some sort of mutual, self-afflicted love where the two of you are teasing and edging each other.
Sometimes that's fine. Sometimes its not. Its not right now because you're over the edge and she might not be.
When you engage in emotional edge play which is what you've done, it changes your view of everything in your life.
Essentially you're engaged in an emotional affair. This is causing a great deal of conflict.
Think of the ultimate conclusion here. (1) she doesn't feel the same sexual attraction to you as you do towards her (2) maybe she does, but she's not going to cheat on her boyfriend and you're not going to leave your wife for her; and (3) there will be heartbreak in this for you.
The solution here is actually very simple. You have to tell this girl that you're messing around with that you're extremely attracted to her, as in sexually attracted.
You have to tell her that you have no intention of leaving your wife and that you don't want her to leave her boyfriend for you.
You also have to tell her that the two of you must dial back all of your emotions and try and quiet down the growing flame (as apparently you work near each other).
Finally, if your wife is not taking care of your needs as a man, then you have to address this with her.
Unless she's a very caring and forgiving woman, I'd skip talking about the emotional affair you just went through. What I would do is talk to her about your desire to be with her, not only as the mother of your children, but as the woman of your dreams.
What you're doing with this young girl in your life is trying to live out everything you're not getting from your wife or your marriage.
So its natural to tell your wife point-blank that you're dissatisfied with your sex life with her, and that you need her to be more attentive to you.
Finally, you and your wife should spend more time together as a couple, and doing things that build passion in your life as a couple so that the two of you can enjoy sex together.
If you need help, find a couples counselor, a sex therapist or a doctor that specializes in sexual problems if need be. Go with her, spend the time, invest the emotions in your wife.
If you're unhappy with your marriage, and its that bad, then get a divorce. But I suspect you don't want that. So stay away from the young girl and you'll find that your attention and efforts are best invested in your wife's emotional well-being.
Part of that is start talking to your wife about what it is that turns you on about her, and what she can do for herself and you to make your intimate life better so that your emotional connections turn into hot, sexual connections again.
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A
male
reader, jimflex +, writes (24 September 2009):
The same happened to me in work three years ago. I would jump out of bed in the morning with the excitement of a child at Christmas and we both hated evenings and weekends. When we eventually dated it was pure bliss! She knew I was married but we skated on thin ice until she sensibly ended it, breaking both our hearts. We continued to text but it just prolonged the hurt. My wife never found out and you might think I got off lightly, but not a day goes by without regret and guilt. My punishment is that I`m now rubbish in bed even though my wife is much more attractive than my illicit girlfriend. End the relationship now! You could fall between two stools and lose both women. Don`t be a fool.
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A
female
reader, marriedlady + ♥, writes (24 September 2009):
 you wont like this answer but i promise you its the truth. Break the contact. Its a choice. Friendship or marriage. It will~ and this is the part you will deny ~end in sexual contact. I cant tell you when, but it will. Trust me on this one. You are already half way there...and you will. Stop now...or you wont stop at all. Sweetheart, life is full of choices but the man in the mirror is your best guide. You know im right..
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A
female
reader, Roadster73 +, writes (24 September 2009):
oh god what a mess!!Firstly u have to ask yourself what is more important too you? Your wife and kids or a bit of office titalation? Don't we all want what we can not have?Whilst at the moment your "friend" is a breath of fresh air it's not realistic is it? I personally think if u have Been with someone as long as u have been with your wife and u can still say your happly married shows she must be the right person for you? Sometimes things get a bit stade and we all need too spice things up.. So put your energy into emailing and texting your wife, go out on dates again!! U might remember why u fell in love with her? Tell your "friend" u want to make a go of your marriage and ask her to give u space?? If she is a nice person and truly cares for you she will?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy + ♥, writes (24 September 2009):
Stop with the texts and e-mails for a start. She has a boyfriend and you have a wife who you love. Why don't you try talking to your wife? I would suggest that you throw yourself into your marriage again. I think if you try to start anything with this younger woman, you'll hurt your wife and your kids and then end up hurt yourself. Sit your wife down and ask he how she feels. Show her you're interested. Don't throw you marriage away.
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