A
male
age
41-50,
*ollerCoaster
writes:Hi All,I'm a 30yr old Married man for 1 year now, but have been in the current relationship for 10 years. After a very long engagement we finally got married, not because we didn't want to, it was just a money thing.We have 2 kids. One form My Partner's First marriage and one that is ours. They are 11 and 7.So the issue I am having is that in the last 10 weeks or so I've been heading out with a group of my co-workers for different parties, and as a result had more to do with a very nice girl who I have worked with for the past 3 years. She will be 21 soon, but we have an almost 10 year age gap.Now I've always found her, let call her Penny, very attractive and knew I could end up liking her, and as such had always keep my distance from her. But about 10 weeks ago, I made the mistake of heading out with her and other co-workers. It didn't take me long to realize that I was falling for her, and over the last 10 weeks me and penny have had many moments where I've felt more for her.Penny is challenging, witty, funny, way smarter then people give her credit, beautiful in a awaken kind of way, but when she dresses up it turns heads.I could go on, but she has so many traits that I love and we seem to be finding more and more in common. It crazy.So me and penny haven't done anything that could be called cheating, No kissing and nothing more then that. But I'm sure if my wife saw what we have been doing, she would not be happy. It all seems harmless and innocent touching as we play fight and so on.But I find myself wanting desperately to touch her more and moreNow to add another spanner into the works, penny also has a boyfriend who she has been with for about 2 years. I fell this is one of the things that holds her back.Now I want to do the right thing and correct my married first before going after another. Me and my wife have had our fare share of fights over the years, and due to event that I won't bored you with, my wife hurt me really bad about 6 months ago, and I think this has push me away in some part.My wife loves me very much, and by all rights should have kick me out a long time ago. I go out and leave her at home. When I'm home I stay in my study and spend little time with her and the kids. I don't think I'm happy at home, just conformable, and to scared to be the one to end 10 years.I'm at a cross road right now, and I'm just spending more and more time with penny in my head, and not being fair to my wife.I want to just come out and ask Penny if she does feel the same way, I want to be out with her one night and have something just happen, that I know I shouldn't. But I'm trying to spend one last Christmas with my wife and kids before I do anything rash. I'm not sure what to do, but I know I don't want to be without penny in my life.The logic for me, is if I can have feeling for penny, then my feeling for my wife must not be enough.Anyway, I needed an outlet, so thanks for reading, and please pass on any advice you have.
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male
reader, duce00  +, writes (24 November 2009):
 Good man!
Glad you are taking action. You are doing way better than most.
PM me for an update when you get a chance.
Good-on-ya mate!
A
male
reader, RollerCoaster +, writes (24 November 2009):
RollerCoaster is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All,
and again thanks for the replies.
To answer a few questions:
1) I've been on anti-depressant a number of times, in all cases they have made me happy shortly and then numb. Leaving me in a place where i take no joy or pain form anything. This has lead to more the one friendship going bad, and placing stress on my marriage.
2) To clarify, i didn't married my wife for money, what i was saying is we didn't have the money to get married until after about 8 years. It wasn't me wanted to avoid it
Update on my situation:
Yes I'm still with my wife.
I'm getting help and no longer drinking everyday, only on weekends now.
Me and my wife are booked in for couples counseling this week for our first session. So I'll see how that goes.
Penny has just broken up from her boyfriend. We are texting a bit now, and still have the same bond. We continue to find things in common, and I find it hard to get through the day without her. She is a bit sad at the moment, and I'm trying to be a good friend and cheer her up.
I've promise my wife that I'm not going to go out with the group of friends that are just girls. Which Penny is part of.
This is going to be hard, but its either that or end my married at the moment.
I'm still counting down to xmas. I'll have around 7 weeks coming up of leave. Where the contact with Penny I have now should be zero on only a couple of times(if i don't end up going to parties with her).I'm hoping to used that time to clear my head and find out if I still love my wife.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (17 November 2009):
Trapped or not trapped, Penny or no Penny, drunk or stone cold sober...none of that tail chasing is going to cure what is ailing you.
You are fundamentally discontent.
All the intellectualizing and remorse does not cloak the basic fact that you are unhappy for your own reasons and its not anybody else's cross to bear, least of all your children.
You dont get to escape this with Penny. You dont get to contemplate suicide. You cant find a bottle deep enough to hide in. The running is over.
Go to an AA meeting...get a good therapist...Deal with the pain and discomfort head on rather than dragging others down too.
A real brother does not blow smoke up your rear. I would like to get my shoe out of your ass now though...
Buck up and start today bro!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009): Q, you make me laugh. Maybe DC can have a panel of attorneys on site to handle all the DC divorces??? perhaps Andrew can give me a cut since this is my brainchild?????? i can develop the model once I get the go ahead(lol)
the OP will learn the hard way. after all life is a roller coaster.........
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): it is so sad that even though good advice is given yet again a poster will do whatever he/she wanted to in the first place. i think the aunts know when it is time to stop dispensing over the counter advice in this particular situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): You state that you are depressed and drinking too much. You are blaming your unhappiness in your marriage as the cause of your problems rather than a symptom of what is really going on. I think what you are experiencing is clinical depression. You are in counseling, which is good, but have you considered getting on an anti-depressant? As someone who lives with depression and will probably be on an antidepressant for the rest of my life, I can tell you that the behavior and feelings you describe (withdrawal, excessive drinking, extreme feelings of unhappiness, suicidal thoughts) are not something to take lightly. Please go see your doctor and get evaluated for medication. Once you feel more stable, you will be in a position to truly evaluate your marriage. You may find that once you feel happier in general you will begin to enjoy family life again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): You and your wife need to get into couples therapy ASAP! Clearly, you feel there is something lacking in your marriage and instead of discussing this with your partner, you are focusing all of your attention on a relationship that exists in your head. Penny has qualities that you like and you feel a connection with her; what have you done to re-connect with your wife? Nothing. You go out. You ignore her and the kids. You are completely absorbed in what you want and have created a fantasy of who you think Penny is. Please don't confuse this fantasy with "falling in love". The reality is that you are married and you are avoiding the real issues in your marriage and would rather take the coward's way out. I hate to quote Dr. Phil, but you do need to earn your way out of this marriage. You need to do all you can do to make your marriage work before you start looking for a way out. If it turns out that your marriage is not salvageable, then so it is. But at least you'll be able to look your kids in the eye and tell them that you truly did everything you could to make your marriage work. You owe this not to your wife and not to yourself, but to your kids. As far as avoiding Penny, do you absolutely have to go out parties with her? Would it kill you to stay home and act like the married adult man that you are?
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A
male
reader, RollerCoaster +, writes (30 October 2009):
RollerCoaster is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for the replies. I've been checking in and reading everyone's input.
To answer a few questions.
The issue that my wife hurt me over had nothing to do with penny. This event took place at the start of the year, and the result push me and my wife apart a bit. It was only 6 months later when i was hit with guilt for just falling in love with someone else (aka penny), did i look for the whys. Since this time I've questioned my relationship with my wife to figure out if I'm happy. Things like being in my study all the time and not wanting to spend time with her, tell me we may have been over a lot longer ago.
This is not payback. I have been a faithful partner for the past 9+ years with my wife, and I have not gone out to deliberately seek another. I have found something in penny I love. I have sat and talked with her for hours at a time and found myself connecting. As I said she has many trait that I like, and while she is young and beautiful, there is something in her character that makes me think we are matched.
My wife is not currently happy, as she is feeling alone, but does love me and does not want out. But of course can't go on forever hoping she will start to really feel loved again.
I'm not in the military. My leave refers to time off from a normal office job.
I do not agree with some of the male reply's on this page. My wife simply wants to build a life together. And wants a partner who loves her, want to spend time with her, and is invested in the relationship. For me I need to figure out if this is what I want. I always say we choose to let people treat us the way they treat us. Anything I've let my wife get power over, I'm the one who has let her.
And I'm trying to do the right thing. I want to really make sure that this marriage is something I don't want and end it, before starting anything with penny.
The hard part of that at them moment is I work with penny everyday, see her most weekends, and find it hard to separate her from my life and thinking.
I'm caught not sure if my reason for leaving my wife are tied in with penny, or simply that my relationship with my wife has finished, and I', to scared to come to term with this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): So Janey, what happens when he gets into a relationship with Penny. In your own words, it won't matter how nice she is, once she has children she will become one-dimensional and boring - and then good ole' Rollercoaster will be back to square 1 of being trapped in a boring marriage, avoiding the wife and kids - and then he can look for another woman, and the cycle repeats. How many child support payments and divorces can he support financially and emotionally? He's already drinking.He needs to figure out how to DEAL with it rather than ESCAPE it by running off to the latest girl to turn his head. ALL relationships take work. If he ditches his current marriage, he will only end up with a repeat of some of the same issues in any serious relationship he gets into in the future. He should try to spice up the marriage he has and work on his own issues.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): If you're 30 and have been in a relationship for 10 years, you have missed out on the prime whoring years of your twenties. You probably got in a serious relationship too soon and now you realize what you missed out on. Guess what? You can't get those years back. Hooking up with a 20 year old is not the solution.
You need to decide whether you want to stay married or not, plain and simple. Is your infatuation with Penny related to whatever it is that your wife did to hurt you? Is this your form of payback?Have you asked your wife if she's happy in the marriage? She may want out as badly as you do.
Get your shit straight and make sure you're making a decision you can live with. If you don't want to stay married, fine, but do it the right way. Don't make Penny your exit affair, it's not fair to her. I sincerely doubt a woman of 20 is mature enough to handle the emotional ramifications of being involved with a married man WITH KIDS.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y +, writes (29 October 2009):
 Jesus, some of the posters here need to wake up and read the question properly! The guy is bored senseless in his marriage, and it's been like that for 9 years, (out of 10!). Doesn't that tell you something? He drinks too much, is in counselling, avoids time with the wife..... I'd say he's suffering from depression caused by "trapped too early" syndrome. It doesn't matter if a marriage has gone on for 5 days or 50 years, if someone's looking elsewhere for escape, the relationship has run it's course. It doesn't matter how good a woman is to her husband, or how nice she is, once women start breeding and nesting most of them become so one-dimensional that they're enough to bore anyone into a coma. That's why men look elsewhere. Ending a spent marriage isn't a moral crime, but faking happiness and screwing around behind a spouses back are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): Anonymous male: I'm not condemning Rollercoaster for looking for a way out of his misery. Who wouldn't want that? The problem is that even if he goes after Penny, he will in all likelihood wind up in a similar situation with her. If he is depressed, suicidal, drinking, etc., avoiding his children and family, then he needs to deal with his issues. If he doesn't, going after Penny he will at first feel fine like drinking away the night, but the hangover won't be far behind - and the problems will STILL remain.
Imagine he gets together with Penny. He starts hanging out with the guys again, staying out late. Penny and Rollercoaster have a kid together, plus previous children, she will inevitably feel like the first wife, become negative, as well. What's you answer? That he never stay in a relationship past one year - when the romance wears off then moves on? If he keeps that up, then he will eventually lose a part of himself - the genuineness and ability to love - because he will know he can't handle a real relationship and each girl/woman he meets he will know has her heart set on him in a genuine way, all the while knowing that he is using her - incapable of dealing with issues that are preventing him from having a healthy relationship. He needs to get these worked out - whether they are related to his military service or what.
If there is a problem as you suggest, that the first wife is henpecking, etc. then he needs to get her to go to counseling with him so they can learn to respect and communicate with each other better. If he gives off vibes that encourage "emasculation" but does nothing to correct them, then when the "honeymoon" phase is over with Penny, he will be back to square 1. Better to figure out WHY things are the way they are and CORRECT them. Think about how many men have ruined their lives because they gave into YOUR advice - careers and reputations down the drain, families torn apart. How will THAT better his life?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): Last male anon, dry sense of humour or deliberately trying to push rollercoaster over the edge. Instead of berating him with between the lines of sadism perhaps you just described your pitiful life??
I cannot help but laugh at you , really. Wonder what your missus did when you found yourself a mere babe. What did your missus end up with – the house, other financial privileges, hey even your best friend?? Come now, was it worth the price you paid for a young floozy??
Thank goodness, i am a CLEVER female. I can read you, dear male anon, like a book. Guess what, you did not tell Rollercoaster that people age and the young Penny will do so too. So clever of you to leave that vital bit of info.
Havn’t laughed so much in recent days, anon male.
Rollercoaster, the male anon, really does know how to lighten the burden of the real situation doesn’t he. Oh well, there is always one that stands out. Humourous post!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): *ollerCoasterPlease don't take too seriously the majority of the female respondents on this board - they don't know what the **** they're talking about.After many years with living with a woman who probably doesn't really even want to begin to understand you, spending the precious little time you two have together blabbing to you about the kids, her complaints, what she wants to buy next for the living room, bla, bla, bla... completely ignoring your concerns, I can totally sympathize with you.How can you resist Penny? She is undoubtedly a sweet, young, juicy berry of a girl and practically throwing herself into your family-tired arms. She probably quickly sees what you wife misses: A very much still attractive young man in his prime - a good father, responsible, ready to appreciate her fresh good looks and girlie charms. Totally the opposite of your nagging, unappreciative wife.Oh so typical my friend. The only reason that your wife probably still wants to stick with you is for you to help her achieve her narrow, selfish "family goals." If she's like a lot of modern girls, she's more than likely looking for you to be her personal eunuch, the more servile and emasculate she can get you the better. Just imagine, you are practically barricaded in your study, while she lords it over the rest of the home. Where will you flee to next, the garage? A neighbor's house?No, you have a right to want a little satisfaction for yourself after such a long sentence, someone to flatter your ego, make you feel good. It seems like this little miss is just the right candidate to help you "ease your burden."Just watch out for the boyfriend. That could prove a bit of a problem for you.Enjoy!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): Rollercoaster - Think about this parable:
An old man was sitting next to the entrance of a city and traveler approached, asking, "How are the people in this city?"
The old man responded, "How were the people in the city you just left?"
The traveler replied, "They were rude, mean, uncaring."
The old man said, "You will find the people in this city the same."
A while later another traveler approached the entrance to the city, and he also asked the old man how the people were in the city.
Again the old man asked, "How did you find the people in the city you just left?"
The second traveler replied, "Great, wonderful, warm people."
The old man replied, "You will find the people here to be the same."
That is - whatever problems you have in this marriage are highly likely to appear in the next. If you are depressed, suicidal, withdrawn, and then you add into it the turmoil of a divorce, the effect it will have on you and your children, arranging holidays and visitation, etc. -- how will that affect Penny's outlook and her relationship with you? Are you sure she wants a relationship with you? What if she becomes overwhelmed with your problems?
They always say that happy marriages are built by people who happy and stable themselves. I think the real issue is that you try to work with your counselor to figure out what is going on and improve your outlook before divorcing your wife and jumping into a new relationship. I think you are reaching out for Penny the same way that you are reaching out for a drink - trying to take away whatever is hurting you.
You said you are on leave for Christmas. Are you in the military? If your depression is caused or related to your military service, then maybe that is what needs to change. It is really important that you look for the cause of what is wrong and work on that, rather than try to treat the symptoms - especially in doing so can hurt your family, you and Penny if the cause isn't found or treated.
I wish you the best. Every time you think of Penny, just immediately and firmly tell yourself that you don't want to hurt anybody - picture your children, your wife, Penny and yourself - and then resolve to really do the right thing - and work on improving yourself. Just keep doing that every time you think of her immediately follow up with that line of thought. Eventually the head can win out over the heart if you want it to - and you know that if you really want resolution rather than escape - that that is what you need to do. It won't be easy, but it will be the best result. Easy doesn't always bring happiness. You are old enough and experienced enough to know that. Take care!
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A
female
reader, Shiny Moon  +, writes (28 October 2009):
I would suggest you spend more time with ur wife and kids. If penny is the only reason for u to leave ur wife and kids then why dont u tell ur feelings clearly with penny. there are chances that she wont leave her boy friend for u. If she rejects u then better u quit ur present job and also try spending more time with ur wife.
Dont forget ur 10 yrs of married life for few weeks infactuation or watever u call it.
regards and all the best
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): Then stop making excuses for your behaviour and start trying to be a better husband.
For a start stop being with penny. Stop going out with her, be it with friends or alone.
You say you have been a good father. How? By locking yourself in the study and not spending time with them? Being a good father does not mean only material things. It means time, effort, listening to them. Playing with them. Prioritising them.
If you think marriage is easy then you are setting yourself up for failure in any event. Marriage requires hard work, you need to tend to it often – daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. Perhaps you have an unrealistic expectation of marriage – you do know that boredom also sets in , right? How have you invested in your marriage and in your wifes life. When last did you do a marital health check?? Look at the state of the marriage. How can you make improvements. Do you even want to?
You believe my comments are unfair – you go out with these other people and leave your wife to tend to the kids and home life. You abandoned your husbandly duties to your wife. You care nothing for her existence and you also admit that she should have thrown you out long ago. Don’t you think you have been unfair to her?
Just stop the selfishness and start acting like a man. I do not buy that one last xmas story still. So what if you have leave due to you. For will pretend that all is well during the holidays and then what as the clock strikes midnight on the 1st you will make a decision to leave them?? I said this before and will say this again- why wait until xmas – why? Because it is convenient FOR YOU! Instead of f*cking around at the work parties try staying home a bit. Try investing in your wife and kids lives. BE VISIBLE. Instead of prolonging their agony be decisive. Either your wife or a single life. Simple. Instead of sole counselling try marriage counselling. Try reviving your marriage. Its a pity you do not spend time with the kids. You may find out what a joy it is to be a dad after all. Looking to penny for sexual gratification is not the answer. Do some soul searching and then do the right thing, if you really can.
You say you are not cheating YET on your wife. Who are you trying to bullshit? Cheating or marital infidelity is not only sexual, so please talk about your counsellor regarding the time you are investing with penny.
If you do not want to be perceived as yet ‘another man thinking below his belt’ then don’t do the same as the man you talk about. Your kids do not deserve it. Your wife certainly doesn’t.
It is so sad that when we throw away our marriage and kids we actually do not realise what we had until WE DECIDE to lose it. Sometimes (most often than not) it is just too late. Don’t be one of those who have these regrets, and who say “if only .................”
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A
male
reader, RollerCoaster +, writes (28 October 2009):
RollerCoaster is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Code Warrior: Thanks for taking to time to reply. What you have said has been a thought process that I have gone through. But at this stage, the fantasy isn't something that I want to give up on yet.
To "A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009)": I don't think you reply is completely fair. I've had my up's and down with my wife for the last 9 years plus. But someone where along the line I've found myself wanting. We have been to hell and back a number of times, and stood together through it all. I have been a good father and hd, and given all I have for them. In terms of one more xmas, I have leave coming up, and I'm attempting to clear my head and spend the whole break with my wife and kids and make sure this is something I want or don't want. I don't intend to or want to cheat on my wife, she deserves a clear break up, and If this happen I intend to tell penny about my feeling when I'm single.
I am lost and confuse right now, and understand the complete bad male I'm being right now. I'm in counseling and having massive problems with drinking trying to cope with the guilt of falling in love with someone other then my wife. I've complemented suicide and been depressed beyond anything. Please don't assume you know me, and write me off as just another guy thinking below his belt. This is not what I'm about!
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y +, writes (28 October 2009):
You're discontented with your marriage, and Penny is a symptom, not a cause. Not spending a lot of time with your wife is another symptom. I think married people have an obligation to tell their partner when their feelings have changed,(and I know that's easier said than done), because honesty can help to minimise the pain involved for the spouse who doesn't want the marriage to end, in that at least you have shown them the respect and consideration they deserve and given them the opportunity to maintain their dignity. If you tell Penny how you feel while you're still with your wife, then you're insulting both of them, and putting Penny in a bad situation. Staying in your marriage only because it's a comfort zone isn't fair to your wife, you're actually stopping her and yourself from moving on and finding partners who meet your needs. Good luck working it out. :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): I'd try to spark things back up with your wife.
Let me tell you buddy, 10 years isn't worth flushing down the toilet for a pretty face. Your wife was with you when you had nothing.
What you're forgetting is the same "infatuation," you feel for Penny, you felt for your wife when you first met her...
I think you have unrealistic expectations on marriage and relationships.
If you leave your wife for Penny, after awhile (usually after a few months in new relationships), they ALL become routine.
I agree with the poster on the fantasy, if you spent your La-La Land fantasy time on working on your real relationship, buddy, you'd have one hell of a marriage.
Get your head out of your rear, fix your marriage, try to be a good husband and father.
Just to let you know, EVERY man has the urge to cheat, just good men choose not too.
I think it's time to sit down with your wife and have a long talk about how to get your marriage back on track.
I'd start with a weekly date night, etc.
If you fell in love with her once, you can do it again.
And as for finding the 21 year old attractive, put ANY woman under 25, and height/weight proportionate, they're going to be attractive - it's called youth.
I live in Vegas, women like that are a dime a dozen. They come here by the bus loads, ain't nothing special about them.
I can almost guarantee your wife doesn't have any clue you feel your marriage is THIS un salvageable (since you're already considering bailing). Sounds like a MAJOR communication issue.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): Dude... not cool. The grass is NOT greener on the other side. A new exciting person on the scene is not a reason to cut your losses and move on. You knew this when you married your wife! Did you not have these feelings when you first met your wife? Relationships are hard, but you cant just up yourself as soon as you have problems and fall for someone else! You should be stronger than that... clearly your wife has been. I understand "the urges", but dude, I guarantee that if you do leave your wife and try to pursue things with this other girl that it'll eventually land in the mud. And of course, being an infatuated guy, there aint a dam thing that'll persuade you otherwise. But goodluck all the same bro, I just think its the wrong thing to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): Wow, the Penny has finally dropped hasn’t it????
Why wait until xmas , why wait until giving your wife and kids one last FALSE xmas with you, you the somewhat family man, you the good daddy and good hubby. Hey just leave the wife, leave the kids and move out. After all it doesn’t matter when you do, so leave asap. I think your kids, the wife will survive without you. They have thus far so waiting after xmas doesn’t make any sense. You are not good father material and you have not been a good hb , so you will actually be doing the wife and kids a HUGE FAVOUR by just getting out of their lives. Your wife has done an excellent job thus far what with you being an absent father and hb. And she will continue when you are gone. I think it will be a case of good riddance to bad rubbish, if you are being honest with yourself.
As for your young penny, she doesn’t know the type of man you really are. She will find out soon enough and it would be an eye opener. After all what goes around comes around. So hey leave the wife and kids and shack up with your penny. At least then your wife can finally move on. She will find a decent man , a man who will be there for her and her kids. A good family man who she can snuggle up to after a round of amazing earth shattering sex, smug and content. After all your wife deserves this, doesn’t she. So come on, take the plunge...................don't be a chicken!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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