A
male
age
30-35,
*outhernside07
writes:I am 29 years old. Im maried in 2010 with 2 kids (3 and 5). I met my wife when i was 15 and have been with her ever since. I have never cheated on her or even talked to another woman inappropriately. But the other day we were hanging out with some friends, about the same age. We have known them for well over a decade as well. They are married back in 2009 they have 2 kids as well. My friends wife kept giving me looks all night. She has been slowly getting more affectionate and touchy with me over the last few years. I messaged her the day after to see what was going on with her. Come to find out she has had feelings for me for years. I too have had feelings for her for years. We were both just to scared to act on them. As of recent we have been spending alot of time together and now both of us are beginning to fall for eachother. Hard... Her husband doesnt treat her very well. She says she loves him, but that they dont have any passion. They just go through the motions. I am an incredibly emotionally driven person. As in i need love and affection every day. I thrive on it. My wife does not give that to me. I have been dragging it out of her for years and i am just getting burnt out. I can only take getting rejected by my own wife for so long before its just not worth it anymore to me. I have told her this before and explained everything right to her. Plain and simple. It got better for a week or two. Then back to normal. As me and my friends wife have been talking we have found out that we bith want all the same things. I mean literally just about everything. We already knew a ton about eachother because of how much time we spend together in the past. We know a ton about eachother and eachothers families. We are already very intertwined with eachother. There isnt alot we dont know about eachother.We were having a very in depth conversation the other day and she told me she loves me. The problem is that i love her too. I dont want to hurt any one. Especially my children. But the chemistry we have is more than me and my wife have ever had. So basically i dont know if i should keep pursuing this relationship and see if it really is what we think it is. I dont fall easy and i have really fallen for this woman.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2017): Your choices will prove who you are. Not until you have done absolutely everything you possibly can to address the issues in your marriage; counselling, family support (both families) can you walk away with any dignity. The emotional affair has already began. You say the wife of your so called friend, kept giving you the eye from the beginning. What you didn't state was you were lapping it up right from the get go. What path do you chose, Man Up or F..K it Up for everyone around you two?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2017): You are in the affair fog. Where your feelings are bigger than life and the fantasy woman is the answer to all your problems. I get it. These feelings you are having pale in comparison to the lack of attention from the cold fish of a wife you say you have. But she is your wife of seven years. And you did commit to her your life. Til death do you part. Remember? And you now have a family together. This is something you need to take seriously.What does commitment mean? It means doing the right thing even when things get tough. It means making a conscious choice and effort to work through your problems as a couple and to see your marriage through even when the warm and fuzzies disappear. And they DO disappear for all couples after some years together. This is normal. You have only been married 7 years. And you married young. So, obviously you did not make the right decision to marry the woman you are married to. Or to get married at all. I am wondering if you had any girlfriends or life experience before her? You still have a lot to learn about life and relationships and yourself especially. We all make mistakes and take roads we never thought we would travel. But the good thing about that is that it is never too late to turn back and start over.Here are your choices. You cannot stay married to your wife having such significant feelings for another woman. Your marriage is dead and over. Even if the other woman was not in the picture, you would still be unhappy with your wife and her lack of attention towards you. Would it then be another woman who came along and turned your head instead of this one who is so conveniently placed in your life? The answer is yes. It would have been someone else had it not been her. So, instead of cheating on your wife and ruining not only your wife and family's life but your friend's life as well, you need to think rationally. You are an adult and a man who is responsible for potentially hurting a lot of people to satisfy your own desires. You are both being very selfish and you are not thinking things through. Look at the big picture. Lust aside, can you not see disastrous consequences on both sides?Ask yourself if you have given your wife a fair chance to fix things. Ask yourself if you can continue to live this way? If you know in your heart she will never change and that you can no longer love her the same way, then leave. Yes, it is difficult. You have children relying on you, their father to do the right thing. I do not believe the right thing necessarily means staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your children. Children are resilient and will bounce back. It would actually be better for them to have two happy parents, even if they are not together. Perhaps as one last ditch effort to save your marriage - if this interests you at all - would be to tell your wife you are going to leave if things do not change. Perhaps she does not realize the severity of the situation or the level of your unhappiness. If she does not change permanently and continues her pattern of hot and cold, then leave. But I caution you to stay away from the other woman in the meantime. Sort through your life and your problems. Do not involve her. She does not belong there. Let her make her own choices and sort through her own life. And keep your contact at a minimum while all this is going on. Keep your distance. It is the right thing to do. What is meant to be will be. You will see if it's meant to be if you take the right path.I think if you are both truly in love and truly unhappy in your marriages, you will BOTH extricate yourselves from your marriages before consummating this "relationship." Otherwise, to me it just looks like two people wanting to escape their problems with each other. And in the end, after you have sex and the shine wears off (Oh, it WILL), the problems will still be there. In fact, you will have created more problems.It is a complicated situation. I am not sure you realize it. It is not fair to lure your friend's wife away from him either. That is just plain cruel. You have known him for over a decade too. Don't you owe him some common decency and respect? Make your decision. Leave your wife or stay. If you stay, you cannot cheat. Period. Think about your wife's feelings. And think about the example you are setting for your children. The fact you cheated on their mother will scar them for life; could you bear to live with that cold, hard fact on your shoulders? If you leave, then do it on your own accord, because you are unhappy, not because you see a replacement in the wings waiting for you. Her life is just as complicated as yours. Trust me, you are going to carry this baggage to other relationships. If this other woman was so willing to become engaged in an affair with you while married, what does this say about her? Her ability to commit? Her ability to be trusted? You will never trust her should you ever get together legitimately. She will never trust you either. You will both have trust issues and believe me, they are not easy to live with and often cause the demise of relationships, especially those which began on already shaky ground.You are seeing this through romanticized, rose coloured glasses. You need a strong, swift hit of reality. I am glad you came here. You are very young and you have no idea what you are doing. Your libido is controlling you. Your libido is going to send your life spiralling out of control if you let it. Lust can be all consuming and has destroyed relationships and lives since the dawn of time. You will be no different than the rest.Again, what you must do is leave your wife. Then if the other woman leaves her husband, you can get together once your divorces are final.If you give in to your sexual impulses before this, you will be having an affair with a married woman. You know how that ends up don't you? Much like affairs with married men end up for the women who are sleeping with them. They never leave. Why? Because despite the protests to the contrary, they are not that unhappy or they would have already left. My guess is she uses you for a little excitement and a little comfort but at the end of the day, she is not emotionally available to you to give you all that you want. She has a husband. So if your need for affection is as strong as you say, and you are not getting it from your own wife, how on earth do you think you would get it from a MARRIED WOMAN who has her own family and husband and life to consume her time? Are a few stolen moments and a few orgasms going to be enough? Because eventually, you are going to get tired of being on borrowed time, being a secret and not being committed to properly.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (13 June 2017):
 OP, the only fair way to handle this is a divorce. You expect people to tell you how cheating is fine and you should continue to pursue it.
No, OP - it doesn't work that way. You need to both get divorced. If she won't leave her husband, she just doesn't want to.
Leave your wife legally before pursuing anyone else. Also don't pursue this woman if she doesn't get divorced first.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2017): Honest advice can be difficult to take. If you're told what you want to hear, it's not advice really. It's just appealing to your ego and patting you on your head. I don't know about anyone else, but I will not in good-conscience tell anyone it's okay to cheat on your spouse, and to hookup with another man's wife; because you've decided he's not treating her right.
It's up to the both of you to remove yourselves from your marriages first; before you decide to start having sex and pursing your romantic attraction for each other.
How is that throwing stones?
You know what's good for another man's wife, but not your own? You say your wife tries for a few weeks and back to square one? Then get a divorce. End the marriage and start life over as a single-man.
No one is stoning you here. You're getting grown-up advice that goes straight to the heart of your situation.
You won't get much empathy or support suggesting that you cheat on your wife for a few problems in the bedroom. Nor do you get to be high and mighty, and decide you can take care of another man's wife better than he can.
I think you have to go back to the old adage about glass houses, sir. You've judged the other guy, under the presumption you're better for his wife than your own.
I agree, you didn't plan it. Nor have you carefully thought it out beyond the physical aspects which will bring you pleasure. You've disregarded the consequences and impact affairs have on families. Not just your wife, but your children on both sides. You are also setting examples for them by your behavior. You're setting the example there are no barriers or boundaries you shouldn't cross, if you want something. Vows are just empty words, families are disposable, and you can do as you please; as long as you do it because you want somebody.
Ignore or delete my advice if you wish. Others who have read it will use the wisdom to help their marriages and relationships. They will think twice before they make mistakes they will regret. You may do as you like.
It's your life and your marriage. You asked for advice in an open forum. It was offered.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 June 2017):
 I don't think anyone here was/is trying to "stone" you but to get you to use some common sense.
Cheating isn't the way to solve your OR her unhappy marriages and you know it. Otherwise, you wouldn't have posted on DC.
If you are BOTH miserable in your marriages and see no way to fix those issues why is cheating an better option than divorce?
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (13 June 2017):
 Her husband doesnt treat her very well. She says she loves him, but that they dont have any passion. They just go through the motions. LET HER SORT THAT OUT WITH HIM. She needs to fix that and not you her. Likewise sort out your own marriage before using it as an excuse to cheat. If you cant then man up and leave.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 June 2017):
What you both need to do is divorce your spouses. Neither of you are happy, so whether this relationship would work or not, your marriages aren't and shouldn't be kept going as a Plan B.
Only after both of you are divorced could anything be attempted. Until you're both divorced, you need to keep it all platonic - no talk of feelings and nothing you wouldn't want your spouses seeing.
Do not cheat!
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (12 June 2017):
 I was told once by a boss " don't dirty on your doorstep " this woman is a friend so is her husband , doing anything with her would be like strapping a bomb to your self and set it off, just madness , you need to work on what you have got , if you can't get help
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A
male
reader, Southernside07 +, writes (12 June 2017):
Southernside07 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust going to answer a few of these as a whole. Looks like most of the people answering didnt read my while post
Yes i have tried to resolve the issues with my wife. Like i said in original post. I have told her point blank multiple times what the issues are. She tries for a week or two to get better. But then goes right back to how it was. Even during thise 2 weeks it feels like she is forcing it.
As far as my friends story being BS about the way she is treated. Thats not the case. I have seen with my own eyes for years the way she is treated. Even tryig to talk to him myself about the way he treats her. But he never changes.
I came here looking for help. Not to stoned to death. You dont have to agree with me on the way things have happened. I didnt plan this. Things just fell how they did. Im looking for advice on what to do. So if you dont want to help me. Then please move along.
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A
male
reader, Southernside07 +, writes (12 June 2017):
Southernside07 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust going to answer a few of these as a whole.
Yes i have tried to resolve the issues with my wife. Like i said in original post. I have told her point blank multiple times what the issues are. She tries for a week or two to get better. But then goes right back to how it was. Even during thise 2 weeks it feels like she is forcing it.
As far as my friends story being BS about the way she is treated. Thats not the case. I have seen with my own eyes for years the way she is treated. Even tryig to talk to him myself about the way he treats her. But he never changes.
I came here looking for help. Not to stoned to death. You dont have to agree with me on the way things have happened. I didnt plan this. Things just fell how they did. Im looking for advice on what to do. So if you dont want to help me. Then please move along.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (12 June 2017):
 "I dont want to hurt any one. Especially my children"
So how could an affair with another married woman not hurt children? How do you imagine that affair with her will not hurt 3 other people: her, her husband and your wife?
Some maturity is in order here. You don't go ruining 3 other people's lives plus children over lust. Perhaps you are missing something in your marriage but that isn't going to be filled by cheating. Instead, go to your wife and say what you miss, try to fix that.
You know cheating is wrong so that's why you are asking this forum. Since you know it's no good, then don't do it because it can never be undone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2017): Please give us a break here. All the feelings you both have are centralized a few inches below the navel. This is all about sex and cheating on your spouses. It's total bunk to try and justify or rationalize cheating on your marriages; and jeopardizing your families for nothing more than a fling. Coveting your neighbor's wife is as old as mankind.
The feelings, as you call them, are typical of how cheating and affairs start. The proper term for it is "lust." If you have marital issues, you're supposed to work those issues out with YOUR wife. Not the wife of the other guy.
It's risky, impetuous, and reckless. You stand to lose your kids, and your wife. Most likely, you may have to work two jobs to support your family, and live on your own. Sounds like a great deal! Hope you make lots of money! You'll have legal fees on top of everything else. Then after the divorce comes the baby-mama drama. That comes from scorn, the humiliation, and rage women feel for being lied to and betrayed. Especially when you cheat with a friend, or someone close to them. "Hell hath no fury..." my friend!
Apparently, it's easier to work things out with the other guy's woman and not yours. Although you've been together for years, you can't talk or solve problems in your own marriage? Usually the cheater is the one less likely to make any attempt to revive or fix their marriage. They need an excuse to find sex outside the marriage. Then they can blame the one they cheated on.
So, let me get this right. He's not treating his wife well? Then you have a responsibility to have sex with her, and treat her better than you would be treating your own wife? What a heavy responsibility she has placed on you?
Once you both follow your hormones and sexual-impulses; then what?
What about her husband and your wife? He will likely beat your brains out (or get the help of his buddies), and your wife will take your children and kick you out of your house. If she doesn't chop-off your penis, she'll file for divorce. Then you'll split whatever assets you have, probably pay child-support and alimony; and all because you decided you don't have balls enough to handle your own marriage and resist a little temptation.
Save your energy, and use it to save your marriage. If you have issues for the lack of passion; then tell your wife. If she doesn't want to fix it, you file for divorce. Maybe you're the reason there's no passion. She's more than an incubator, housekeeper, and live-in nanny. She stretched her body to push-out your kids. Maybe she doesn't feel as desirable as she used to. You can't read her mind, you have to talk and listen. She can't read your mind either.
If the other wife decides to stay with her husband, guilt might force her to confess to him. He's going to blame you more than he'll fault her for cheating. Screwing his woman is an assault on his male-ego and manhood. How would you feel if he was doing your wife? Any justification for that? Maybe she has tried to tell you what's wrong and what she needs; but you've refused to listen to your own wife. Or worse, you have avoided talking about it altogether. Lulls come and go in a marriage. Sexual-passion plateaus, dips, and rises. That's normal. You're not even 30 yet!
Unless she divorces him; he has every right to smash your teeth in. No, I am not suggesting he should. I never advocate violence. People react to shock and pain in their own way. That's just the risks we take when we cross certain lines. I can't think of a better way to bring-out the rage in a man; than secretly going after his mate. How would it affect you, if some guy is having an affair with your wife?
Would having problems between you make it easier to take?
The other woman may be lying. Just to seduce you and let you know she plays around on the side. You don't really care, you just wanna play!
Have you even tried to work things out with your own wife?
Instead, you'd rather venture-out and treat another man's wife better than you would treat your own, by cheating on her? That sir, defies logic on every level!
Take some cold showers. How much do you love being able to see your kids everyday, and live in the same house with them? Why is cheating the alternative to compromise and communication with the person you've made your spouse?
She's the mother of your children. You have a problem because you want more sex? Who deserves to know more than she does?
No, you want sex with an unfamiliar vagina!
Don't think with your dick. It will make you do something you will regret. Once trust is lost in your marriage; even if you're forgiven, she will never truly forgive 100%. She will love you less, maybe not at all. There is no love or marriage without trust. She may only keep you for the sake of the kids; but secretly despise you down to her bone marrow. Cringe when you touch her. Feel disgusted by your presence. That's the price of cheating on your mate.
Okay, all this was to give you much to think about. Hoping you'll use the head on your shoulders.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2017): Get a grip on reality. You've already both gone way too far and won't be able to stay friends. You either work at sorting your own marriage out or you separate, get divorced and then you're free to see whoever you want to see.
You say you need affection and whatever, but how have you treated your wife over the years? Have you both just taken each other for granted and got stuck in a rut and now the excitement of seeing someone else is stirring up feelings. Do you actually have feelings for this friend or has the attention just boosted your ego and shown how your marriage has got stuck in a rut.
Carry on how you are, and you will potentially have one hell of a battle. Two marriages will be destroyed, friendships destroyed and your wife will be divorcing you and you'll be sending child maintenance payments and seeing your kids every other weekend. Is this all really worth it? Or could you put more effort into trying to save your marriage?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 June 2017):
 I don't think anyone is going to encourage you to go ahead with this affair and break you're marriage over this.
You got married at 22. That is way too young to get married because you're still growing up and just beginning to see the real world. However, you chose to get married and that was ?your decision. You also chose to bring two kids into the world. Now when you're older and actually starting to see relationships for what they really are, you're realizing that your wife probably isn't the "one". And you're also falling for the bullshit story that the other woman is dishing out. Husband doesn't treat her well my foot. Why is she still with him then?
Stop and think, what could really come off this affair? Do you think you'll have a happily ever after here, with a woman who's cheated on her husband? and children, and you, who's cheating on your wife and children? And even if you marry her, good luck taking care of 4 kids. Her husband will prove that she's cheated on him and will get out of all this and you'll have hell to pay for.
Sort your own life out and work on your marriage. Stay away from people who have no moral compass and try to be a good husband and father. You can't run away from your own actions. Man up and take responsibility. Your wife doesn't give you love and affection the way you want her to because she's too busy taking care of your family, your children and your home. There's more to life than public displays of affection and hot sex every night. And anyway, what makes you think that things with the other woman will be fantastic forever and ever? Didn't you think the same when you got married to your life?
Snap out of your Mills and Boon world and get a grip on reality.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 June 2017):
My question to you OP is as follows:
Do you want to ruin two marriages over lust?
If your wife isn't giving you what you NEED and you two can't work it out ( I'd suggest you try a couples counselor before tossing in the towel) then maybe divorce is the "right" thing. Cheating NEVER fixes issues nor does it make anyone's lives better. Because AFTER the "deed" you WILL feel guilt, maybe remorse and regret. Because sex or an affair will NOT FIX any issues in YOUR or HER marriage. THEY will still BE there after you climax. OK?!
So if you and this "friend" are BOTH in unhappy marriage you need to focus on the ISSUES there. Find a way to fix them or END it, BEFORE you pursue someone else.
Don't compromise your OWN standards, values, and morals to "feel good" for a few minutes.
YOUR decision to maybe cheat doesn't JUST affect you. But your wife, your kids, HER husband and their kids. So for a minute, stop thinking about YOURSELF only and YOUR needs. Think bigger picture.
There IS no future for YOU and her UNTIL the PRESENT is sorted out. I mean, OP USE some common sense and tell me, WHAT do you think will come of this? Will you ride off into the sunset with this woman and live happily ever after?
BE realistic.
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