A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a married woman and I have developed an infatuation with another man. He is in a relationship too. I don’t know a great deal about him but I know he too fancies me. He has made it clear and has asked me out. I have never been unfaithful before and I have been with my husband for 18 years. My husband is a good man and a good dad but we haven’t been lovers for years.I cannot stop thinking about this other guy, he makes me feelso alive and sexy. How do I know if he is just after a fling or is really interested? Tbh I don’t really know what my intention with him is. I just know I cannot stop thinking about him. I have thought about getting to know him better but I’m not sure I can handle the guilt, and I also want him to have respect for me. If I was to get into s relationship with him under these circumstances how could we ever trust each other? I seriously can’t get this guy out of my head we really do have a connection, we are constantly drawn to each other, we go out of our way to talk to each other, to touch each other, we constantly flirt when alone and just chat like friends when others are there. I feel like I’m going crazy
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2019): OP, the last guy who said go for it has what you'd call an open marriage. He knows his wife flirts/fucks other men and doesn't give a rats ass. In fact, he finds it thrilling? And he does the same! There is an over emphasis on sex and this is not what holds marriages together into old age. One day when he goes limp his wife will be off fucking another guy!!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2019): Married 40 years I probably had 10 women like you on the side. Only one was close to having sex with. The other 9 weren't worth a confession, but I couldn't wait to see them and flirt. My wife had guy friends too. Think she went all the way with one. He took advantage of her friendship and her generous way. We had sex throughout the 40 years and still do. You must be starved sexually. I blame your husband more than you. If my wife had to initiate sex every time we have it, she'd stop doing that too. You're a sexual person, that's normal. Go for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2019): Wow, the advice from the mistress literally blew me away.
Not everyone is lucky enough to be given a glimpse into how your future will turn out if you got involved in this insanity. What you need to do is go no contact. Cold turkey. Quit him like a bad habit and never look back. You will be glad you did.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2019): I understand the undeniable chemistry and the pull of the affair. You feel compelled to know him better, to feel him, to allow him to take you away to another place, only the two of you, where you are both escaping from your respective lives. At this point, it is just infatuation. Your brain is on drugs. Literally. Look it up online. It's a natural process. It's like he is an addiction and being around him makes you feel so good, you are hooked. And it isn't easy to dismiss that kind of feeling, when it is thrilling and exciting as compared to a ho hum, comfortable marriage with a man who may have become more like a roommate instead of a passionate lover. We all want passion in life, in fact, need it.
I understand because I was the woman who crossed the line with a married man. We had unstoppable chemistry from the very start and its never waivered in 6 years. Although I am not married myself. I had feelings for this man while married but never allowed myself to pursue him. I told my husband our marriage was not working. Why? Because I was becoming interested in other men. I knew there was something wrong. But I was HONEST with my husband. I went to him FIRST. I told him what was going on. I owed that to him after 15 years married. I couldn't break his heart for all the devotion and loyalty and love he had shown me all those years. Good, loyal men are hard to come by in this world. Remember this when you trade hubby for a cheating man, who may likely do the same to you or just use you temporarily. I told my husband that we were not romancing one another anymore, that the passion had died, that things became too mundane, that life got in the way of US as a couple. We went to counselling and we tried to work it out. But our marriage did not last. It just wasn't meant to be. Not all of them are. But we gave it our best effort. I was honest. I feel like it is better to hurt a person with the truth than to go around their back lying and hiding things, just to soothe yourself into feeling better about your life. If you went through with this, he will find out the truth. And it will be so much worse if you take that route.
It is very selfish for you to already be involved with this man and not think about your husband and kids if there are any. Once this is done, you can't go back. And you will never be able to undo the devastation that it causes all involved. At that point you will say how sorry you are, how it was a mistake and how you wish you could go back and change things. But you can't. What you've got now that you won't have then is the luxury of foresight. Don't start. Because you won't be able to stop the tidal wave of destruction. You see, a lot of people come here reaching for help, knowing full well they want to go through with it. Many of us do our best to give you advice and words of experience in order to stop you. But it's all up to you in the end. Sadly most people are stupid and decide to go for it. The only way to learn, unfortunately, is to make the choice. Once the fantasy turns to dust - and it WILL - you are going to regret every single action. In the beginning, it may seem euphoric but if you carry on with it, the weight of the guilt, the double life, the sneaking around, the emotional investment which will not be returned by him, won't be worth it. You already have a husband. Don't take another woman's. Do you really think he is going to love you and respect you? You are starting on very shaky ground. And this relationship, if you have any delusions of happily ever after, will not end like a Hollywood movie. He will have zero respect for a woman cheating on her husband. You should want nothing to do with a man capable of cheating on his wife. Once your heart is invested in him, you will see how difficult it is to trust him; impossible, in fact. The resulting anxiety and PTSD that ensues is not something I'd wish on anyone. He sees you as an escape from his boring, old life. From his boring, old marriage. He is tired of the same boring, old sex with his wife. You are tempting him with something different and new. He is vulnerable because he has a shitty marriage so he is doing the mating dance with you. Hoping it will culminate with him having sex with you. It is fun. It boosts his ego. It's simply just an escape from the mundane. And in all honesty, if it weren't you, he'd eventually find someone else to meet his needs. He is about to get a brand new sex toy. Yup, that's all you are. And all you ever will be. Think also about what kind of a man sleeps with a woman who is already married. A man who is disgusting and has no character or morals. Most men would step away knowing she is taken. Men of character, anyway.
Your surging hormones are allowing you to be blinded to this man's real personality and intentions. You're going with the romance novel script. But is really isn't. It's a horror story in the making. When you have sex too soon with a person without knowing them and having a solid foundation of trust built and blindly investing your heart, you are essentially giving them carte blanche to your emotional well being. He can end up manipulating you and controlling you and using you, then leaving you while you have fallen in love with him. Well, honey, these guys don't fall in love with us. They have a wife. And they love her. We are just side entertainment. Most times men are able to compartmentalize and never get emotionally invested. Our heart has been broken and we are gasping for air on the floor while they have already put us in the rear view. As women, it's harder not to have emotions. Can you handle that? I suspect you already do and it will get worse. Because I can tell you that once you have sex with him regularly, it's going to get harder and harder. Why would a sane, rational person even begin using a drug when they know it is not good for them? And that it could wreck their lives? Wreck THEM?
He may sleep with you once only. And then say you were a mistake, that he feels very guilty, and go back to his wife. Think about how that would feel. You'd feel dirty and used. Or he may have sex with you a few times and yet still discard you and go back to his wife and all you would have been was a prostitute whose services were no longer required. Think about if the affair carried on for months, I can tell you that it would be difficult to get time together. Both of you have lives. It is a big investment in time and the risk grows more and more the longer you carry on with it. Chances of being found out increase. Eventually it all becomes a big nuisance, inconvenience and complicated mess. One of you, likely the man, will get tired of sneaking around. Eventually it becomes WORK and men are generally LAZY! The guilt will also be massive. It will end with him getting rid of you when he's done using your body. Period.
I wish someone had told me this when I had an affair with my married man. I was young, impressionable and my hormones raged. When they calmed down, I didn't see a very special guy in front of me. I saw a dirty, selfish cheater who was in lust with my body. I regretted every moment. I imagine how much money I would have made in all those years if he had actually paid me.
Most people think they can do it because it's just sex or perhaps that's how they justify their choices. But it is rarely just sex for the woman. It's hard not to get attached. Even if you didn't get attached, think about how devastating it would be to his wife. Your husband. These are the people you took vows with for life.
Imagine your husband having an affair with a hot, younger woman like ME. Would that bother you? If it does, then STOP. Dead in your tracks. Because you know now how it would hurt your husband. If however you don't care, then I suggest you leave him first.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 May 2019):
 Aah no, have no delusions, he has zero respect for you and if you sleep with him, it'll be negative. A married woman looking to have an affair is already on a very slippery slope. Ever think why men never leave their wives for them? Because in their eyes the mistress is no better than a hooker and no one will ever leave a respectable wife for one.
While you're thinking of this emotionally and harbouring dreams about your potential lover, he's in all probability laughing at how gullible and cheap you are.
Don't leave what you have for a few moments of fun. Work on your marriage as the other aunts have said or divorce your husband and start life anew. But stop looking to have affairs and messing up your life and your husband's.
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A
male
reader, Pepi let pew  +, writes (30 May 2019):
 DONT DO IT...Cheating is like using a atomic bomb on everyone. After the bomb has been dropped the radiation causes pain and suffering for everyone including the children and yourself for years to come. Dont think you wont feel guilty. Dont think you wont feel intense pain. Your husband is your best friend. Is this guy going to be there for you when your sick..? Does he just want a quick sexual fix and then leave you like a used tissue. Everyone thinks about sex with someone else but thats where it stays..Just in your mind. Tell your husband what has happened and also tell him how you fixed the issue.. And then tell and show him that you love him. Tbh i did this along time ago and caused so much pain for everyone.. Ten years later i think about it every day like a crime or a murder that i have done.. Please take a step back and think carfully.. I really hope you dont go through with this..DONT DO IT.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (30 May 2019):
 Youre already cheating-emotionally. Talk to your husband. He is probably feeling the same as you perhaps. Not feeling the love and excitement so TALK about it. That is a whole lot wiser as it is easier than cleaning up the mess of what you are contemplating. Cheating does not just involve two people. It involves the partners, kids and extended families. I get why you are feeling this way but you know its wrong. You cant sugar coat it any other way. Marriage counselling is your first option and should be your first. From someone who has been cheated on I can tell you the damage it causes is not one I could ever WILLINGLY inflict on another. It is equally damaging to the cheater just in different ways. Please give this some serious thought before you are posting here again asking how to fix a broken man, marriage and how to deal with your own pain you have caused. This man you are infatuated with is not being respectful to you - he knows you are married and fuelling you to be THAT WOMAN, the other WOMAN. Who cares what problems he and his wife are having. Thats his deal to sort out so don't fool yourself by listening to his woes about his wife and problems. If you are going to ignore peoples advice and crumble under the fantasy the grass is greener then your marriage is already over.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (29 May 2019):
 "and I also want him to have respect for me."
That's going to be a tall order, he doesn't have any respect for his current partner, why would he respect a side piece?
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (29 May 2019):
 Why not ask your husband and see if he can help you out?
Don’t want to do that? Well why not COMMUNICATE with your husband to tell him how you feel so you won’t be looking for attention outside of your marriage. He’s not a mind reader, as far as he’s concerned everything is going fine. If you married the guy, I’m sure you can discuss your concerns with him.
Cheating is NEVER the answer.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 May 2019):
 I have to say Code Warrior nailed it,
You are NOT getting sex and intimacy at home so when some guy OUTSIDE of your marriage throw you some "come hither" vibes it dials your libido up to 100.
Whether he is "serious" or not, it's kind of moot. As YOU have a husband and HE has a partner.
IS being a cheater really something to strive for?
Is a TOTAL breakdown of your marriage something you want?
Because THAT is a VERY possible outcome if you continue down this road.
Which would mean YOU would have to MOVE out of your shared marital home (because WHY should your husband give you the house when you can't keep your knickers on?) and start over. Having to deal with a (probably) strained relationship with your kids (if you have any) and family and friends... ALL for a roll in the hay or two.
If you put HALF as much ENERGY into your husband and marriage, who knows, you might actually have a second "honeymoon period" with your husband and a revival of your marriage.
the whole... "we are constantly drawn to each other, we go out of our way to talk to each other, to touch each other, we constantly flirt when alone" could EASILY be done WITH your husband. IF you TELL him that you MISS the intimacy and romance and want to spice things up at home.
Date nights, saving up for a nice vacation or weekend away. Get GUSSIED up and go to the theater or out fora NICE dinner, go for a walk on the beach, park, city (if you live near one), try something new TOGETHER like gokarting or mini-golf (IDK)... something where you can reconnect and laugh and ENJOY each other.
So before you get carried away, CONSIDER your OWN actions as they stand right now. WOULD you appreciate if your HUSBAND acted like YOU are acting now? With some other woman?
Is there something AT home worth saving? 18 years of marriage should weigh in at some point.
And if you find there simply isn't anything worth wile with your husband, HAVE to self-respect and decency of DIVORCING your husband before you drop your knickers for a man who can't be faithful either.
It sounds like your marriage is in a rut, where you BOTH take each other for granted but NEITHER are investing or taking CARE of maintaining the marriage.
You seem WAY to young (IMHO) to live with a husband in a room-mate situation kind of thing. And I think you BOTH have to figure out WHY did it come to this? And why has it lasted for SO long with no intimacy?
It's NICE to feel sexy and wanted - I GET THAT part. What I don't get is why you are oblivious to the consequences if you OD go through with this Office Romeo. Not just for YOU but for ALL involved.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (29 May 2019):
 In the nicest possible way, you have two options:- Marriage Counselling- DivorceIf your husband is unaware of these issues, it won't improve - even if you've told him and he just hasn't realised how serious it is. By flirting with this guy, you're betraying your "good husband" and your children. You deserve to be happy, but not like this.Seriously, OP, stop talking to this guy; it would just be a fling like 95% of affairs. Get marriage counselling or a divorce. Your husband doesn't deserve to be cheated on and you can find happiness with someone else (a SINGLE man) when you are divorced.I understand the desperation that leads to being interested in someone else, but I don't believe it's ever okay or understandable to cheat. Think about if your husband cheated on you, or your child's partner/spouse cheated on them. Don't do that to anyone. You're already emotionally cheating by flirting with someone else. STOP.
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