A
female
age
26-29,
*ayCharles
writes:Hello Everyone!I am truly at a crossroads in my life. I am 20, about to turn 21, graduating an entire year early from a pretty rigorous liberal arts college. Back in October I broke up with my 3-year, mainly long distance boyfriend, whom I met in high school. He freaking adored me. I broke it off because the semester's load and my multiple jobs seemed like too much along with the distance as well as the thought of the future. I thought about graduation and all my options afterwards.Part of the decision was that I am only 20 and need time to be on my own for once, and I definitely do not want to compromise my future to suit a boyfriend, whether we love each other or not. 20 just feels too young to plan the rest of your life around someone. My parents just so happened to get married at this age and are now going through a nasty divorce. I can't help but equate their relationship to mine. My 44 year old father is not back on the market with no clue in the world how to be alone, let alone "single". I do not want to go down that path to have it blow up. At the same time, in these past few months I go back and forth between strong self awareness that it was the right decision and periods of doubt and missing him. Since the breakup (he was my first) I have been with other guys, which has been a good learning experience that sex doesn't have to be for love and it was empowering, but I definitely crave love and affection over just sex. So the theory of just needing to see greener pastures isn't really why we broke up. Let's call him John. John is very smart, handsome and simply doted on me. But both of us were dealing with intense stress and anxiety, something he doesn't admit too. I realized I couldn't be the only thing that makes him happy, the only thing that motivates him. He lacks ambition and seems to be terrified to face reality even though he is very analytical. With graduation coming around the corner, the promise of us living together and being happier than we were now just didn't seem realistic and I was tired of romanticizing how it could be. Yes we are in college and money and time are tight, but we can't stay static for three years and then expect to go on the adventures I really want to take. I miss him so much but right now know we cannot get back together because he is still hurt and doesn't understand the break up. He actually wants to date again, but unless I give it my all, he has blocked me from his life completely. But I feel that even if I did want him back, it wouldn't work because not enough time has passed for him to forgive me and not enough time has passed for me to even be on my own for real because I am still in college. So if we got back together, not much has changed expect I have a little more clarity on my options after college and that I have slept with other people. (The latter being something that would crush him). Part of me is romanticizing the idea of us finding each other in the future. After enough time has passed and we both know who we are and what we want. Maybe this is what everyone does to go through a break up, but I don't know. I have made it very clear to him that we are broken up and told him we aren't getting back together at the end of the semester (something he thought, assuming I just needed a "break" and that it could be renegotiated.) I do not think it would be fair to keep him in waiting as a back up which is why he doesn't know I still hope for us to be together. There is just so much doubt of throwing a good thing away in the hopes of finding self assurance and acceptance as well as possible someone more perfect for me, although no love is perfect. Maybe after graduation, and the summer when I am more established and have had more time I could reach out to him... I digress. Sorry for this novella, I guess I don't have an exact question but would like feedback or advice, reactions. Thank you so much.
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a break, ambition, broke up, crush, divorce, get back together, got back together, long distance, money, period Reply to this Question
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female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (6 January 2017):
 Your question is up my alley, Ive been down that path. I think honestly only you can know if you did the right decision by breaking up with him but you miss him, you sound like you love him still but its long distance. How far away is he from you?
I think you should be clear with him the way youve been clear in your writing. Let him know door is not closed completely but make sure hes not waiting for you. Asking to be friends may break his heart--he doesnt want that so you should respect if he wants a clean break. He wants you but I agree youre really young and you should be focused on school and trying to experience everything that life has to offer. Dont be riddled with guilt but I understand the feeling. Write him a letter and tell him how much he means to you, that you will forever remember him and if enough time passes that he can forgive you, he can reach out and youll always be there for him as a friend. But now is time youre still figuring you out.
Many times in life we pass up people who are actually GOOD for us only to later regret letting them go. Dont let your parents divorce harbor some fear about relationships, MANY people marry young and still are so completely love and happy. What happened in your parent's marriage is a reflection of two individuals who are just no longer compatible, whether that means your mom could just no longer love your father and at 40 he has to cope with being alone/facing rejection. What your parents is going thru seems like norm in western world, but still very very personal to each relationship.
I think you can write that letter expressing how you feel but everything you stated also implied how much he adores and cherish you and that you understand this doesnt come from just any guy. I agree sex is very empowering but DO NOT ever tell him you went on to have sex with other men. That experience is between you and yourself, a gift you gave yourself and never feel guilt about it. He doesnt even need to know that part.
I think your fears are realistic about moving in together and money is tight, the future, your anxiety---but realistically, many people hope to find the one and settle and start a family but never ever get to find that special person----So what you have with your ex is truly special. We sometimes think we can find that again but thats often true and not true. We just find someone else to fall in love in a different way as we agte. There are couples who stay together even though life is hard and they struggle but in the end all the struggles were worth it. The love was worth all that.
I think only you know what the risk is by letting him go. You wont be the same person at 25 or even at 35, love is everchanging and growing, but even better if we can experience that with the person we love. Good luck, I hope you make the right decision on this.
A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (6 January 2017):
 Don't hang onto a relationship just in case. Leave it be, and if he seeks you out eventually, you could see how it goes. But really, it sounds to me as though you've moved on already.
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