A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 18 years, no kids. Ten years ago, I found out that my sister and husband had had sex, once. I forgave them.... and none of us talked about it again. It was very painful as I had no one to talk to about it at the time... and I never wanted anyone to know about it since it would damage both my husband and sister.... and very embarrassing overall.A few weeks ago it came to light that it wasn't a one time incident, but rather a two year affair. Once again I'm covering up about the affair since it would do so much damage to our family and friends to know about it. And quite frankly, I don't really trust that it was only two years.. have my suspicions that it was longer. I'm leaving my husband, but he is trying his hardest to win me back. He doesn't want me to say it's over or that we're done. But i feel like my love for him is over. He says he loves me and would do anything to make me happy and would never hurt me again. And since we aren't explaining to people why I'm leaving him, our friends and family are looking at me as though I'm the problem. Which I'm fine with to save face for my husband and sister... although that's easier said than done. My husband doesn't understand why I would leave him, esp since the affair happened so long ago. Feels pretty fresh to me though. Any feedback on how one would handle this situation? Confused.
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female
reader, Dawnie  +, writes (27 December 2007):
 I think you are a very fair and kind person in keeping this private. It really is no-one else's business why you are divorcing your husband, but to have people thinking it is your fault (especially family) is unfair and it is great that you are able to behave with dignity (i know i could'nt) nevertheless it is time to get on with your own life and find happiness in what ever way you choose. I hope you have a close friend that you can confide in, as friends are very important and i think you need someone you can trust. I wish you all the luck in the world. xx
A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (27 December 2007):
 I really feel for you. You are going through a very tough situation and to be honest I think you are being very nice about a situation that can otherwise be very ugly. You do not want to hurt him or your sister which is great. If it were me I probably would have posted pictures around town telling everyone what an asshole he is. However your reason for divorcing him is really and truthfully noone elses business. So you do not have to tell anyone why. When it happened is not important, it happened and obviously you are still hurt by it or you wouldn't be leaving him. Do you have one person a friend that you could talk to? Everyone needs someone to understand and be there shoulder to cry on. I hope that everything works out for you. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Keria +, writes (27 December 2007):
"We were already have some marital difficulties when I brought the 'one-time' affair up with my husband."
This is the key here. Your leaving him has nothing to do with the affair way back then. You really just want an excuse. So again, leave him if you are done, and don't want to be with him anymore... and if it's ok for the kids, and you want to move on with your life.
Just don't lie to yourself and blame it on the affair.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007): If you are not happy in the marriage, then I think you should end it. After all, there are no children to protect in this marriage. And you have no reason to protect them at your expense, especially your husband. My wife and I both fully agree with those who said that you should not tale the fall for them. When anyone condems you as the villain, you should tell them the truth, just the basics without any gory details. Tell them that you husband and sister had a 2 year affair or that your husband had a 2 year affair with another woman.
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A
female
reader, Keria +, writes (27 December 2007):
Obviously he didn't want you know it was 2 years. If you were never going to find out, why hurt you? "A couple of times" is much easier to deal with. But he doesn't want you to leave, and he doesn't want to leave you.
Your sister has told you two years, possibly because she is proud of it. Maybe she wants him. The thing is, it's over now. They're done. If you want to leave him, then leave, but don't make it because of this. If you have a good relationship, then don't throw it away. But be very honest with yourself: Is it possible that you want a way out, and this gives you one? Then be honest and say so. Don't use an affair of 8 or whatever years ago as an excuse.
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A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (27 December 2007):
I think you are making the right decision by leaving. But I am wondering why you feel the need to protect them after what they did to you. Your husband and sister are the ones who should be embarassed not you you were the victim here. To be honest any man who is low enough to sleep with your sister isn't worth a second chance or a second thought. And your sister...I can not say that I understand how you feel but I am sure that I would be devastated, and you have been keeping this all bottled up inside to save face? I wouldn't do it.
They do not deserve you, either of them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNice to have some feedback... thanks everyone.
The problem with telling people about the affair is that I don't see the value of it coming out at this late date. We live in a town where everyone knows everyone. My husband has lived here for ever. News travels very quick. And my family and his would just be devastated. It would hurt him the most, since my sister doesn't live here anymore. And I really don't want to hurt either of them. Just want to deal with my feelings... get some space... and probably move on.
I'm taking a bit of issue from our family & friends since we are religious & divorce and separation are looked down on. Therefore making me feel guilty.
Boy, now that I'm writing this stuff out... can't believe how low my self-esteem must be looking here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007): Only you can say when you've had enough. If indeed you have had enough then I'm afraid it's time to call it a day.
All the best
Phil
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Phil. I agree I'm probably too forgiving in many ways. We were already have some marital difficulties when I brought the 'one-time' affair up with my husband. I asked him whether there had been more than one time. He said it had been twice. Then when I talked to my sister, and asked the same question, she told me two years.
So that's when I said it's over & I'm leaving... the lies & deception...and total disrespect. I'm tired of being the one who's being taken for granted.
But now with my husband trying to win me back. Do I just say enoughs enough?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007): I spent 18 years sparing my husbands feelings and my own humiliation and not telling family and friends the truth about the way he was treating me 'behind closed doors'. What have I learned? To tell the truth - particularly when you want to move on as you now do. If you don't tell people why then you will carry it with you. It doesn't have to be warts and all - but it should be the facts. He cheated and things are simply not going to mend and you have tried but that is that. Your husband must face the questions. Hold your head up high - what have you done wrong anyway?! Nothing!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007): You seem like a very forgiving sort of person, who wants to protect everyone's reputation except your own.
You really don't have to take the blame for what's happening now, even if the catalyst happened ten years ago. If anyone should remark to you that it's all your fault that you and your husband are going your separate ways, I suggest you put them right about the facts. Not necessarily all the facts if you want to spare your sister's blushes, sufficient to say that your husband cheated on you. He doesn't really deserve your protection, does he? Your sister doesn't either, but blood is thicker than water I suppose.
Stand up for yourself, because it seems no-one else will!
Phil
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A
female
reader, LoveAgonyAuntxx +, writes (27 December 2007):
Well dear, a 2 yr sex relationsip is quite bad. You ae absoloutly right, it will give a bad reputation, but there is really one question you need to know. IF YOU REALLY love him, you wouldn't give him anouther chance. Don't make it a big deal and have a row over it, have you distance, and then ask youself that question again... Do you really love him.....
LoveAgonyAuntxx
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (27 December 2007):
 Why are you taking the fall? what your sister and husband did was disgusting, I have a sister and would NEVER do anything like this too her, if she slept with my b/f I would tell all my family. I dont understand why you want to protect them, after everything they done? they got no loyalty. Your doing the right thing leaving, but you should have left in the first place. Cheating with family is double betrayal in my book
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A
male
reader, dc.ryan +, writes (27 December 2007):
 Only answer to your problem is; follow your heart, if you feel you can no longer love him how you originally did - then it probably isn't worth fighting to save the marriage.
I do think it is important that your family are aware of his activities, as this could lower the pressure/weight on you and make it easier for you to recover.
We can't decide for you, you need follow your heart - do what you think would be best (not for your family - for *you* - you are whats important in this).
Ryan
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