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I'm just so insecure. I feel like I'm competing with her, and it's driving me crazy!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Friends, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 September 2008) 2 Answers - (Newest, 17 September 2008)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, *eppuni writes:

Am I being completely irrational in feeling inadequate?

Here's some background. I've been dating this guy for 4-5 months. Prior to dating him, I'd known him for two years. We were pretty good friends and he told me a lot about his personal life. So, I heard a lot about his ex while he was dating her and hung out with her on several occasions when she'd come to visit the college.

Now that we've moved beyond the friend stage to dating, I can't help but feel inadequate. There are quite a few things I know about his ex, having been told these things by him back when we were still friends. I find myself comparing myself to her and it's driving me crazy.

I've sort of discussed this with my boyfriend and he insists they broke up for good reasons and I am a fantastic person. I believe this, but at the same time, I feel like I'm just in a horribly awkward situation.

It'd have been so much easier had I never heard a thing about his ex or hung out with her. I'm just so insecure. I feel like I'm competing with her.

View related questions: broke up, his ex, insecure

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008):

IM having the same problem with my b/f but I havent talked to him bout it how did you tell yours?

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A male reader, saltwater United Kingdom +, writes (17 September 2008):

saltwater agony auntHe probably told you about his personal life because he was getting close to you...men sharing details about their personal life is, well, personal, and it shows he trusted you.

The problem for you is now that you two have got together you find yourself comparing yourself to her based on these details.

The bottom line is that if he is not in any way dropping any hints about her and/or what she used to do then you personally I don't think you should worry and instead you need to focus on how you can stop comparing and competing with her.

Hopefully some other people may be able to give you some ways to do that because in all honestly you shouldn't have to feel that you're competing with anybody...regardless of his past. That is the reason he is going out with you now; because he wants to be with you more than anyone else. You shouldn't have to doubt that fact. You're not inadequate.

He say's you're a fantastic person. You can either believe him implicitly and move forward; or doubt him and go nowhere. It's up to you what to do.

And unless I've misread, a little something I picked up from your post which I think is something you should bare in mind is that if he shares his personal life about his ex while he was going out with her...who's to say that he won't do the same while he is with you...

Take care

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