A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:for the past two months or so ive been wanting to speak to someone who is older then me , a lot of people who ive spoken to about this have give me mixed opinions . its the first time ive ever wanted to speak to someone older , he is older then me by just under 20 years . ive never really had any interest in wanting to initiate a conversation with anyone up until now , part of me thinks its really strange to want to talk to someone older but then at the same time I think to myself we are both adults , hes just another human being and one of my friends said you can learn from older people, he also said he has friends who are in their 30s and my sister who is 2 years older then me has said she has friends who are in their 30s and 40s . I think people assume when someone says id like to get to know someone ( like I do in this situation ) is that they are interested in romance or a sexual partner in which I am not at all . I just want to get to know him and to me that is perfectly natural to want to get to know someone ,as if people never wanted to speak to anyone then friendships and relationships would not be formed .I also think to myself I have spoken to people of all ages but not necessarily on a friendship level so what makes this situation any different ? the reasons why I find my situation weird at times is because if an older man wanted to speak to a younger woman they can be seen to be creeps or that it is not right which is why I think he may not want to talk to me and people can think why would someone want to speak to someone older. to clarify as well he is not married or does not have a girlfriend . he also lives in another city . I have had some brief conversations with him through messenger but not to the point were ive basically said , something about you has interested me and I would like to get to know you better , or I haven't been fully obvious in the fact id like to meet up with him in person as friends ( I have met him in person but just not since last seeing him ). I'm not sure how I should word the message out to him , so it doesn't come across as random or unusual , I did however say id like to get to know you ,in which he replied with, what would you like to know ? , with this I had no idea what to say and wasn't fully sure if he knew what I meant due to his response so I just left it and with it been through messages it can be hard to tell .I also didn't elaborate on what I meant and I find the term getting to know you can be quite ambiguous. Id like your opinions on the situation and advice on how I should send a message to explain how I would like to get to know him without seeming desperate and instead just mature and truthful as it has been on my mind for too long and I just want him to know so that I know if he would be interested in getting to know me at all or whether he would find it inappropriate .
View related questions:
older man Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi , thanks for your responses.
this answer applies to most of the answers .
I would like a friendship from him or just to meet up for a drink and see what hes like .
Ive been wanting to talk to him as due to finishing uni and with me having no further career paths I want to build confidence and put myself out of my comfort zone and do things that I often refrain from doing such as being honest with myself about and sending people messages about what I really want to say .
one person mentioned why I am so hooked on this man ? in which I feel I can grow quite interested in people and want to find out more as the way people are and behave I find it interesting . he has also said a few things that has made me want to talk to him and I want to make new friends of different ages as I aiming to do some travelling next year and want to find ways of building up confidence especially as I will be around people of different ages .he is not married I never stated in my question about knowing if he married or not that was the just the title that the site gave . in regards to one person mentioning about having sex that must have been another users question as I had not mentioned anything about it . I do feel I am perhaps overly keen on wanting to know him and that's due to simply not always having a lot of people to talk to , unorganised and unreliable friends and not having family members to talk to . but thanks for your responses . I have also had conversation with him a few weeks ago and I quite enjoyed it as ive mentioned someone of the things he said I felt as though I wanted to know more but hesitant to develop a conversation due to fear of being intrusive . I am sick of feeling this way now and I don't know how to take it off my mind or be honest
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (31 July 2019):
 :::: sigh ::::
You have in fact hijacked this thread and I apologize profusely for participating in it.
You persist in offering up the most useless and self contradictory advice, but at least you have the sense to not put your name on it.
This forum has a very nice private message function for this very reason. It does require an account and Name to use it.
Take it up there or start your own thread.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2019): I do not wish to hijack the post, but its relevant in what can be considered creepy, which does still apply to the OP.
Cause of concern for what? Everyone feels differently about being approached by different people. Most don't mind who you are if you're polite and respectful. It's when people persist that they become 'creepy' regardless of age or gender. This man may even find OP 'creepy' because she has this intense interest in him and he's not reciprocating.
The quotes you used as 'research' are valid points and don't suggest anything about false accusations or tarring all older men as creepy. Not many men in their 40s have much interest in building friendships with young women in their 20s unless they work together or go to the same hobby class and have a lot in common. It is unusual for friendships to be built with such big gaps even between people of the same gender. Those are a large percentage of factual experiences many people have.
Many people do also find it unsettling for someone of 40plus to be romantically interested in someone so much younger because the life stages are so different and the balance of power is father-daughter/mother-son/etc not equal.
People, particularly women and more so young women, can be very vulnerable to men who are persisting in being 'nice'. The man may have neutral or even nice intentions but he is not owed friendship or any platonic/conversational/romantic interest and being polite can put the woman in an uncomfortable position or even danger. If you are just being genuinely nice and not persisting when a woman is showing disinterest, then you are not being 'creepy'.
If someone accuses you of being 'creepy' then you should apologise and calmly ask how you've come across as creepy. If they don't tell you or want to be left alone, then leave them be and assess your own behaviour as to where you may have crossed their individual boundaries.
Here are some links to help you understand why concern about being 'falsely accused' is being blown out of proportion and why women's concern about 'creepy' men regardless of age is valid:
www.boredpanda.com/women-rude-to-strangers-creep-story-lily-evans/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic
www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/aug/20/sexual-harassment-women-curfew
https://thoughtcatalog.com/lorenzo-jensen-iii/2017/07/31-women-share-stories-of-nice-guys-acting-like-creeps/
---
OP, has this man initiated talks with you?
Has he tried building a friendship?
Has he shown any interest in being friends?
How do you know him?
What do you have in common?
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (28 July 2019):
I don't have to look far or research much to find reasonable cause for concern. These quotes might be familiar - - - - -
"but not many men his age see women your age as friendship material. That’s nothing against you, but if they don’t have clear similar interests discovered through regular contact (like working together), it’s unusual for any kind of friendship to be built. It’s often either “dating/hooking up or nothing”."
"I can only assume this is the man who told you he didn't want to have sex with you because he was moving. He's already told you he's not interested and thank god because man in his forties going out with a twenty year old IS creepy."
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2019): Fatherly Advice we are much more likely to be attacked and sexually assaulted by another man or even hit by lightning than falsely accused. Please don’t use the Me Too movement exposing creeps and abusers as a reason to be unreasonably concerned about accusations when you are not more concerned about being attacked by a man. Asking about political views and education isn’t what anyone is considering creepy but persisting when someone isn’t interested is bordering on creepy. I’d ask you to do research into what most women go through with men “just being nice” and why they have to be more guarded. They openly share their experiences because of that movement so it would benefit all of us to read and acknowledge them. One example that springs to mind was a woman who tried to be polite to a man who was asking ‘innocent’ questions about her dog then he stalked her. This is not as rare as many of us think it is.
OP I agree with others that your post is almost identical to the other one and it does seem you are infatuated with this man but he does not seem interested in friendship or more. If you were truly interested in friendship you could ask him about his marital status as part of your purely platonic conversation.
...............................
A
female
reader, OldSoulGirl +, writes (26 July 2019):
BTW I didn’t mean to post a response twice. I was wondering why my other response was taking longer than usual to get posted so I typed something else out.
...............................
A
female
reader, OldSoulGirl +, writes (26 July 2019):
I agree with KeW. This post seems very familiar. There was a post about a female your age in the same country regarding her former professor. If this is the same female, please stop trying to contact the man. Even if you’re not the same girl, this man is clearly not interested. I think it’s bizarre that you’re so concerned about this man’s relationship status if you only want to be friends with him. I think you’re lying to yourself and/or us.
I wasn’t born yesterday. It sounds to me like you developed an infatuation or obsession with this man and feel the need to know about his life. If he wanted to be acquainted, he would have made it clear. It sounds to me like you figure you may not be able to date this man so you’re looking for any kind of contact and form of relationship you can get.
You don’t sound like you’re mature enough to be with an older person. Neither in romance or friendship.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2019): I can only assume this is the man who told you he didn't want to have sex with you because he was moving. He's already told you he's not interested and thank god because man in his forties going out with a twenty year old IS creepy.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2019): OP, you are way over thinking what other people are going to think. So much so, that you just folded like a house of cards when the man asked you what you would like to know. Most likely, your failure to respond back to his direct question, will make you seem like a game playing immature little brat, to him. I think that you are lying to yourself, and your attraction to this man is physical. If you liked and admired this man, for his career, for his service to government or military, or his selflessness as a pastor or missionary, you surely would not have been at a loss, when he asked what you would like to know. What is a true legitimate reason, that you want to develope a friendship with this man, who is 20yrs your senior? Is he a teacher or a potential mentor for your career development path? It is, by your own admission, very out of character, for you to show an interest in older people. Some people just love elderly people, and want to learn what life was like, growing up, in other generations. You don t
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (25 July 2019):
As a man a bit more than 20 years older than you, You hit it right on the head with the creepy thing. Practically everything I do has to be arranged around not looking creepy. Creepy men get hit with bricks and pushed off busses. With the #metoo thing going around it really makes us question any interaction with any woman.
It's too bad really, it used to be that communities were integrated and older folks talked to younger folks all the time. Lots of good advice and old war stories. Now you get the recently noted notion that any man my age would only be interested in sex with a woman your age. Ewwww, you are younger than my daughters. Why would I even think of that? I'd be much more interested in your recent education, and political views. But no one would believe that.
Large groups, public view. you know the drill.
...............................
A
female
reader, OldSoulGirl +, writes (24 July 2019):
The way you wrote this was genuinely confusing. Here is what I got out of it. You want to get to know this random guy, including his marital status, but you just want a friendship with him. This sounds really bizarre and concerning. Why do you need to know about any relationships he has/has had if you only want a friendship? I think you’re not being honest with yourself and us.
There are a lot of men who will date younger women, but there are also plenty of men who would be disturbed by the idea. As someone who’s crush on and dated older, I’m telling you right now to be cautious. No one would be this weirdly interested in a person’s personal life if it wasn’t for romantic reasons.
I agree with the previous poster. Why does it feel like this is something I’ve seen before? I recently answered to a post from someone in the same country and age range about her alleged crush on her former professor. If you’re this same person, please stop trying to contact this man. Even if you’re not that same girl, just leave this man be when he hasn’t done anything to you. You sound like you’re reaching the level of obsession with this man. He doesn’t sound like he’s interested in conversing with you. I don’t know why you feel the need to “get to know him” but please just stop.
...............................
A
female
reader, KeW +, writes (24 July 2019):
 Hi there,
I wonder if you’ve posted about him before? I feel I have seen a very similar post to this quite recently.
You’ve already tried to tell him you’d like to get to know him better and he didn’t take it any further. You could be more blunt, but I wouldn’t advise it because it comes across as pursuing him, which people don’t do for just friends; friendships should develop naturally without the interest being one-sided.
I’m sorry that this won’t be what you want to hear, but not many men his age see women your age as friendship material. That’s nothing against you, but if they don’t have clear similar interests discovered through regular contact (like working together), it’s unusual for any kind of friendship to be built. It’s often either “dating/hooking up or nothing”.
I am wondering why you’re so hooked on this man you don’t know very well? Especially if you only want friendship? I think it would be best to stop contacting him because he isn’t showing any interest in friendship, but I think you’ll continue for some reason.
Take care, OP.
...............................
|
