A
female
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asho320
writes:im 19,my bf is 22,we dating a year,we love each other very much,we are getting our own house together in june,we getting married and havin kids in a good few years.we love each other.but he picks/prefers his family over/to me.he lives with his parents and his 17yr old brother.they all love each other.it's weird bcoz i am not used to a loving,caring,happy family.its very unusual to me.i am not used to it.i live at home.in my house/my family we do not get along,we never did ,never ever will, but i am used to that my entire life.thats normal to me.we do not talk to each other bcoz my dad is alcoholic and my 23 yr old brother is a drug dealer. we dont get along.the only person i get on well with in my family is my mother but i rarely see her bcoz she lives with my grandad.i always feel second best.i envy my bf the way he has such a wonderful family and im jeliss of him.how do i stop being so jeliss and hate him for it?when i invite him over to sleep at my place,he says no bcoz he wants to spend time with his family. i think this is very cheesy and ask him why?? he says bcoz he loves them and cares about them. i cannot understand this and i dont think i ever will. me and my bf have totally different backgrounds. am i being selfish?whats wrong with me?he wont spend christmas dinner or new years(the countdown) with me bcoz he wants to spend it with his family instead. i got very insulted over this. am i over reacting?help!
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female
reader, bitterblue  + ♥, writes (13 December 2007):
 Doubtful, very doubtful it should have been a good idea to invite him over at your house, he is used with another atmosphere, other values, therefore he might have felt uncomfortable with any "natural" situation that to him might have just been "odd" and disagreeable. Imagine a drunk man stumbling about in the kitchen asking who his daughter brought home. You DEFINITELY can't change your family to please his ideals and that is CLEARLY not the purpose, but if you can avoid him unpleasant situations that will only be wise. This necessarily does under no condition mean you should hide your family situation from your boyfriend - since you already are contemplating marriage, you should be close enough to discuss about your families and especially about YOUR family TOGETHER - and the values you will hold dear - mutual respect, care etc. To you it's normal for a family to be disintegrated because you lived in such environment where family values were not appreciated, there was little group cohesiveness, little care and understanding. For the sake of your future family, you have to learn to participate in upkeeping a united family, nurture the feeling of "oneness," when all members respect an implicit promise of love and respect. You have to believe only THAT is natural. Teaching yourself to believe that a certain idea is NORMAL, you also will find it normal to help it pertain to its parametres, help it readjust everytime it seems it will derail, until it becomes a habitual and instinctive approach. I will give you an example. A child lived in a family where fine language was rather neglected - witnessing this for as long as he remembered, he felt it was "out of place" to speak correctly, although he knew this was the rightest way - but since everyone else was speaking unrefinedly, this was the behaviour that he branded as common and embraced - and was almost embarassed to speak in a more ellaborated manner. You see why you may even find disturbing the idea of a loving family, reigned by harmony? Although deep inside you know that is the correct way. Given the fact it's not recommendable for you to invite him at your place, does he invite you at his? If he can't invite you at his place for Christmas, there may be justified reasons, for example being too preoccupied with the guests to also be able to attend to you as appropriately. As your boyfriend seems to be very dedicated to family, this is only a good sign as you can anticipate he will strive to provide for a loving, happy family, which of course you should also do your best to accomplish. It's so meaningful. It's [warm] and cosy. You will love it. Also, I would not recommend you to tell him you are jealous of him about his family, he may not understand this, but DO give yourself time to get over these feelings of inadequacy, as you will found another family soon, you cannot and should not allow these feelings to erode at the foundations of your future!...
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