A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a guy for almost a month. We met on a popular dating app and hit it off immediately on our first date. We talked for hours and ended up having to be told to leave the restaurant because they were closing. He took me out for dinner a few days later and again, we had a great time. He was every bit a gentleman and even asked if he could kiss me. Our third date he asked if I wanted to grab dinner near him and go back to his place to hang out. We again had great conversation, watched a movie and then that's when he started putting on the moves aggressively. I told him I wasn't comfortable moving so quickly seeing as how we were only on date 3. He pushed a bit but respected me and told me I could initiate anything going forward.We don't text very much during the day and it's because he's still in the military and is busy plus dislikes texting. I respect that even though I'm someone who likes to be in more frequent contact. He has asked me out again this week and while we haven't determined a location, I'm assuming he will once again suggest his house.I am so torn with what to do. I am incredibly attracted to him on multiple levels and want things to keep moving along but also feel it's too soon to sleep with him. He's still very active on the dating app despite telling me I'm the only person he has taken out from the app and isn't talking to anyone else.While I don't want to question everything he says, I don't entirely believe him. I'm not ok with the idea of sleeping with someone casually while he is still actively looking and checking his options in case the "next best thing" comes along.On the other hand, only a month of dating with only 1 date a week doesn't warrant a conversation of being exclusive and deleting the app. I feel he will run for the hills if that is brought up. But truthfully, that is the only way I will feel comfortable sleeping with him and not end up regretting it, feeling guilty, or getting hurt if he leaves me after one night.Any suggestions or advice on how to approach the conversation are greatly appreciated.
View related questions:
military, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 September 2015):
 Why don't you decide the next date venue? It doesn't have to be something expensive or the typical date thing of having dinner. Go bowling or go see an indie music act or invite him to meet you with some of your friends at a local microbrewery for Oktoberfest.
I think you're taking a sensible approach, you're attracted to him but aren't ready to sleep with him. You see he's active on the dating app and so know he hasn't made the decision to close his account down just yet.
There's a popular talk show host here in the US who wrote a book on helping women understand men. He says there should be a 90 days before that sex thing happens. This time period will weed out those who are in if for the sex only and won't deter men who want to get to know you better.
I think he has a point.
Don't apologize, don't feel bad, don't feel pressured. Stick to what works for you. If it doesn't work for him, then he's not the right guy. Especially as what you're doing is workable and sensible. You don't owe this guy sex, mkay? :)
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 September 2015):
 I think when he suggest the venue for next date, that IF he mention his house, you tell him I'd rather stick to dates in public.
As for deleting the app, yes I think it's too early to request he deletes it, to be honest.
As far as teh texting, well he doesn't exactly have a ordinary 9-5 job where he can text/call as he pleases. I know my husband had rules in his office about his men (and women) under him working and not sitting facebooking and texting while they should be working. Military is... a bit more rigid, and.. to be frank texting a lot or a little during the day shouldn't mean that much, I'm sure YOU are at work too. GET to know him in person, not try and glean things from texts.
So give him a few more dates, and then tell him how you feel about the dating app. You two are still in the get-to-know you phase and while you might seem like a good fit after 3 dates... neither of you have talked exclusivity. And I think, deleting apps is something that comes AFTER exclusivity and THEN comes sex (if you are both ready).
You don't know him well enough to trust his word, so again.. YOU don't know him that well at all.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 September 2015):
 It's really simple. Don't have sex with someone if they're not your boyfriend. Sex is for RELATIONSHIPS, not dating. That's my personal belief, because sex before relationships only cause confusion, and means the relationship will be based on sex rather than friendship, and also brings with it a lot if insecurity. Just look at yourself, you are all worried, and he's still on that dating app even. If he likes you and wants to focus on getting to know YOU, then there's no need for him to still be on that dating site, and for that matter no need for you to be there either.
And no need to have sex, sheezes. Sex is for when two people are in love, you've barely gotten to know this dude. If you have sex with him now it's just a one night stand, because you aren't in a relationship with him. I would not recommend anyone to start a relationship based on a one night stand.
If he can't respect that you don't want to have sex yet, then the choice is easy: he gets the boot. The choice isn't that hard: he either wants a relationship, or he wants sex.
...............................
A
male
reader, BE125 +, writes (28 September 2015):
I think you provided some answers to your own questions here. No man has the right to demand that a woman sleep with him outside of marriage, period. Whether it's date 3, 9 or 152. If that's a pre-requisite for a relationship, then he's putting his own needs before yours, and how many relationships work out in that scenario? I'm also one who likes to stay in contact often, but the military is a different kind of life. I have to say I'm hesitant to trust someone who continues to be active on a dating app and then tells you basically the opposite. I think the conversation has to be why is their a contradiction in what he says to you vs his actual behavior.
...............................
|
