A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been having an affair with a co-worker for the past 6 months behind my husband's back. I'll admit, our marriage has become a bit stale in the bedroom department, all my husband talks about is bills, paying the next bill, financial stuff, worries over IRS, ETC.The sex between me and this man was passionate, if not mind-blowing. As for my husband, he didn't even want sex, just wanted to discuss IRS and retirement investments with me, he'd lost his humor and zest for life and when not in work spent most of his time on financial-advice forums and IRS-related websites. He ignored me when I had sexy lingerie on, said we needed to discuss ways to cut our tax bill.I'm now starting to feel guilty about having this affair; the guy does have his faults, he smokes, he snores loudly, wears my crop tops/half-shirts sometimes, and he talks a bit too much about his grandma to the point of annoyance. Yet he is a bit similar to my husband in some ways; sense of humor, liking for alcoholic drinks etc.We only really had sex twice; the rest of the time was spent at posh hotels and one time went across the stateline to another state for a week - I lied to my husband about work issues.I told my husband last night and rather than getting him bawling or ranting as you'd expect, he just said "So what. I was too caught up in taxes and retirement stuff, I will have to up my game now you've had an affair with another man." He said he'd forgive me for this, and said the guy was a bit of a jerkass.However this other man wants me to leave my husband and move in with him, he says living with him would be good; I'd get to be with him 24-7.I'm in turmoil; I do love my husband, but it feels more like being with a brother, but when I am with my lover it feels passionate and fun, like a frolic, and I don't know where to go next.What am I to do?
View related questions:
affair, alcoholic, co-worker, smokes Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): every marriage becomes stale with passage of time and becomes like a partnership rather than a love affair.I think yours has reached that stage too. and believe me there is no way to rekindle the flame once it is gone.Sexy lingerie, candle light,music,watching porn, etc.etc. non of that work once the passion is gone out. you either accept it or divorce, we are mostly forced to accept it because either the kids are still too young or for economy.It seems to me your husband doesn't mind you having it with another guy. nor do you. So my advice although contrary to normal standards is just carry on doing what you are doing and make the best of it.
A
female
reader, suella +, writes (4 July 2014):
Shame on you for thinking that cheating is the answer,he's not showing you how hurt he is,you need to leave him and let him find someone who will appreciate him,I wished I had found him instead of the lazy cheating loser I married.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 July 2014):
 I think it is more than just being stale. I don't know his age but he might be having erection problems. Upping his game may involve taking extenze or bazooka pills. I think he knew you were hiding something and wasn't surprised about the affair. He knew you were frustrated, but he was also confident that you would stay.
...............................
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (4 July 2014):
 Women have different reasons for having affairs... The thing is you needed someone to revitalise you from the mundane rituals of life and all that IRS talk and retirement planning... You needed attention and you got that up to a point with lover boy, because now reality is settling in, whether to live with this new guy 24/7 after 6 months.
Personally the loud snoring would not entice me one bit! As for him wearing ‘your’ crop top, that’s certainly different... But give me the Mr. IRS Speech husband any day :)
I am also surprised with your Husband response, as he realised he was so caught up in his taxes to give you the attention you deserve. He’s obviously very understanding and forgiving – WOW!? I think you should hold him to stepping up his game. He knows it’ll be cheaper to take a Hotel across Stateline and woo his wife than to worry about taxes and Divorce?
As in any marriage there are stale moments and one may feel their partner appears more to them like a brother than a passionate zesty lover of old... Yet half that problem is if WE do not; dare I say it –‘Demand’ attention from them before it gets to that stage!?
I believe you have got your Husbands attention; it may just be what he needed in this instance... To be reminded the hard way... But to forsake him for someone you say; “We only really had sex twice” with doesn’t really get my vote :( Even Lover boy will grow stale 24/7 we all do; plus the Court is still out on the loud snoring and crop top wearing
Take Care – CAA
...............................
A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (3 July 2014):
 Sounds like you are using this other guy in attempt to escape the realities of real life. If you left your husband for him you will quickly find the magic fades and instead of sex you get moaning about bills and issues.
You say this other guy is very much like your husband....sounds like you are hoping he will basically be like your hubby minus the realities of life.
You say "the guy does have his faults, he smokes, he snores loudly, wears my crop tops/half-shirts sometimes, and he talks a bit too much about his grandma to the point of annoyance. " How long until that pisses you off in the long term??
Mark
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014): You are lucky your husband is being so forgiving. Cut off all contact with the other guy, and give your husband a chance to repair the marriage. I understand why you cheated. Life isn't all about money, but for a bout, it seems like your husband was very stressed about it. Maybe find out why (are there expenses you're not aware of), but also give him the chance to move past this.
...............................
A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (3 July 2014):
 In situations like these where you have to choose between your current partner and someone new, I think the best advice is to take the new person out of the equation altogether. Now a simple question for you to answer, do you want to be with your husband?
You are making this between two people. You need to make a choice for your marriage only, not between this guy or that guy. Do you want to work on your marriage?
If you do not then end the marriage. THEN focus on the other man. It will either work with him or it won't. No one can tell you whether it will or won't, the point is that it shouldn't matter. You would have made the decision based on what you felt was right for you.
The passionate exciting feelings with the new guy won't last, every relationship turns into the mundane every day. So you ask yourself would you still be happy with your decision if the new relationship didn't work out? Would you be happier on your own and trying to find a new man down the road than staying in your marriage? Because you can end up in that position. There are no guarantees down any path you choose to take. You just need to decide what you need and if your marriage/husband will meet those needs and make you happy forever.
If you think he can and you could be happy with him then work on it. If you can't picture a happy future with him and feel you would be happier without him in your life, whether another man is there or not, then leave him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014): It was the lover who went on about his grandmother all the time, not my husband.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 July 2014):
 I'm sorry, but when you described your husband's behavior, talking about financial investments, money management, sense of humor, and his love for his grandmother, my first thought was "Wow! What a keeper!". Your husband sounds awesome. Have you ever thought that maybe things have gotten stale because you're alienating affection from your husband?
Why didn't you say something? Why didn't you...say...plan a weekend getaway with your husband? If he's a financial guy, why not have a high-level couple/household discussion and set a goal for a family vacation or a second honeymoon to someplace exciting? When a couple is working together toward common goals, that tends to breed affection. Even a night out at a swanky nightspot where both of you dress to the nines would be exciting.
What you did is unforgivable. You are 50% of the reason for the marriage, and if you left your husband (which I can guarantee that some other woman's going to jump at the chance to snag!), you take yourself with you into the new relationship.. When the illicit factor wears off and his snoring gets to you and you both have to start talking about household responsibilities, you'll feel gut-shot that you made the wrong choice.
If you stay with your husband, you both need serious couple counseling.
...............................
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (3 July 2014):
 I am not going to lecture you about you actions and advise as requested. You have a good husband and he still wants you. Seek counselling and try to make your marriage work. Like any new relationship comes passion and excitement but then the routine and responsibility starts to kick in. What you call routine is be responsible and planning for the future. I certainly would not want to struggling at closer to retirement. Your lover sounds like a loser and you want something you cant have. Think long and hard because this decision you will live to either regret or be happy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 July 2014):
 If you leave your husband and move in with this new guy, how long do you think it will take for the two of you to become mundane and talk IRS and other issues PERTAINING to a marriage and being a grown up?
You need to (to put it crudely) Shit or get off the pot. Either you stay with your husband WORK on whatever issues you aren't happy with. OR you DIVORCE him and move on.
Your lover doesn't really sound like a winner and I bet you, it won't be long before he stops being so passionate in the bedroom and you will see him for who he is.
However, I think you should give your husband a divorce, he deserve a woman who wants HIM and only him. Not someone who will "settle" for him in case the lover isn't up to snuff.
...............................
|
