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I'm in love with my step-daughter!!! What do I do?

Tagged as: Family, Forbidden love<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 February 2008) 33 Answers - (Newest, 12 December 2011)
A male United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

ive fallen in love with my stepdaughter and dont know what to do

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A male reader, Waldo3 United States +, writes (12 December 2011):

The only thing I can say about this is that love happens, I don't think its incest, yes there is the social taboo that goes with it, but love commonly happens between people of non blood relations. Who are we to judge..love is a beautifull thing, it is from God. The only thing that is wrong I think is if there is a sexual relations between a minor and an adult...then it would be statutory rape.

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A male reader, madeupname United Kingdom +, writes (13 February 2011):

I have a step mother and a step son. I don't really like either of them. I certainly don't want sex with either of them.

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A male reader, whomeagain United Kingdom +, writes (21 November 2010):

This is a dangerous legal area. I offer this advice as a layman with some experience in this area. If you have lived with your step daughter as 'father and daughter' at any time whilst she was under the age of 21 then you cannot get legally married (in tghe UK) nothing to stop you going abroad to get married. Apart from the disasterous family issues and being looked upon like some kind of pervert (if you do end up togther)there is also the problem of explaining to any future offspring who their grandparents etc are. Having offered this advice it's down to the pair of you to make your minds up. Good Luck

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A male reader, Terry T United States +, writes (8 April 2010):

My wife has past away, and I am in love with my 40 yr old single stepdaughter and she knows it ,but is afraid of what family will think. Whats my next step ?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2009):

She is too young, let her find out what love is about. Work out things with your wife, and let her daughter go to college, get a career, and meet someone her senior. Don't think that your wife can't fall in love with someone else also.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009):

I'm in love with my step daughter!!! what do I do

DO NOTHING. I have never felt a love so strong as the one that I have felt for my step daughter. Fatherly love and emotional love. However If you truly love her and want to protect her, than you will do nothing. It will only cause her problems. If you decide to pursue it, than you are one selfish bastard. Even if she thinks she feels the same way. Most young girls(under25)cant destinguish different feelings of love and it will only screw her up. BE A MAN AND TAKE THE PAIN!!, of leaving it alone and sitting in agony...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009):

I'm glad to see it can work out. I've got a similar situation. It's very hard, people seem to forget how hard it is to "forget about it" to "let it go". It may be slightly dysfunctional but it is love, true love. And in many cases it stronger than regular love because you also want to protect her as a father. How many times have we come across people who should know better but still fell for the wrong guy/girl......YOU CAN'T CONTROL LOVE! I would say you'd need to decide if you still love the mother, if not leave her (I wouldn't suggest telling her though) then after an extended leave pursue her if that's what you want but you have to leave the mom because I don't think it's fair to her. Plus if you don't decide to pursue her then at least you get to leave, that's probably the only way you'll get over her. That's probably what I'll do, leave because I know it wouldn't work out for us (I'm 99.999% sure she doesn't feel the same way about me.........it hurts real, REAL bad). Either way people will get hurt so be ready.......and good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009):

When i was 18 i fell in love with not my step father but my mothers boyfriend. We are now happily married for the last 5 years! im 23 and he is 64! i love him dearly! It depends on if her feelings are reciprocated, and remmeber there will be a huge fallout if anything comes from mit! i wouldnt change my decision for anything but i have no Family anymore, all my friends supported me because they knew i was happy, but im lucky, iv heard of people who lost everything!! Im 23 and i have a step son that is 42! sounds weird dosnt it!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2009):

Taboo!!! Totally taboo!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2009):

Not to be too judging on this, but I think it is wrong how can a man love his stepdaughter in any other way but a father role model? I could never see myself loving my stepson. Their are some boundries in life you do not cross and this would be one of the most important, it will destroy families. If you don't love your wife anymore then leave, their are plenty of other women you can love other than your daughter.

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A male reader, Xian Canada +, writes (19 April 2009):

Yes I too am in love with my step daughter. although she never lived at home and I never raised her. she entered into my life a few years ago. She noticed that my wife treats me like shit. We seemed to bond on that. We fell into a deep love together.Long story short we have been lovers on many occasions. I have never felt so close to a woman and not felt love while having sex. The love is the deepest love I have ever felt. She is 30 I am 46. My relationship with my wife is ending and has been for a long long time. I may end up marrying my lover. I know it will cause many pain and confusion. I am gramps to her 2 kids and will become dad. Yes I hear the chanting in the background "Jerry Jerry Jerry".

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A male reader, listening_and_learning Australia +, writes (4 January 2009):

listening_and_learning agony auntOn the one hand I'm very relieved that I'm not the only one in this awful awful predicament. But on the other hand I'm saddened that so many us (and I'm sure there will be thousands of others) who are suffering. And let's not mistake this. It's real suffering, an agony of the heart. I appreciate the supporting advice from the male contributors because I believe their heart is in the right place. I think on balance, those words from the female readers who remind us of our proper role though, is probably the right one. dammit.

So, guys, there are many many kinds of battles in this world, as you know yourself, and it seems this is yet another one. We must go on somehow, loving her, but nothing more. Take care of those around you, but take care of you too.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008):

love between 2 adults should not be wrong, if you show both the same feelings then break with the mother and go and make a new life with the stepdaughter.

love works in very strange ways

Best of luck hope it works out,

why live in unhappiness because of what others think, you only have one life, live it the way that makes you happy.

I married my step daugther and we have a family and are very happy, but people do get hurt (no pain no gain).

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A male reader, bobby23 United Kingdom +, writes (24 May 2008):

I am also in a situation, i am 30 and have a step daughter who is 19 and very attractive and flirts with me all the time and teases me. I never thought this would happen to me and now i have really fallen for her big time. She shows interest and then argues with me she has put alot of pressure on my relationship with her mother and since we have fallen out of love. i am very mixed up but would love to be with her but i am so scared and sometimes and want to end my life because of the way i feel. Please not i did not have any feelings for her and in the past and did not look at her in this light, I think she knows i love her in a different way and hates me now, or she just done this to me to try and break me and her mum up.

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A male reader, bobby23 United Kingdom +, writes (24 May 2008):

I am also in a situation, i am 30 and have a step daughter who is 19 and very attractive and flirts with me all the time and teases me. I never thought this would happen to me and now i have really fallen for her big time. She shows interest and then argues with me she has put alot of pressure on my relationship with her mother and since we have fallen out of love. i am very mixed up but would love to be with her but i am so scared and sometimes and want to end my life because of the way i feel. Please not i did not have any feelings for her and in the past and did not look at her in this light, I think she knows i love her in a different way and hates me now, or she just done this to me to try and break me and her mum up.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008):

I am also in a situation, i am 30 and have a step daughter who is 19 and very attractive and flirts with me all the time and teases me. I never thought this would happen to me and now i have really fallen for her big time. She shows interest and then argues with me she has put alot of pressure on my relationship with her mother and since we have fallen out of love. i am very mixed up but would love to be with her but i am so scared and sometimes and want to end my life because of the way i feel. Please not i did not have any feelings for her and in the past and did not look at her in this light, I think she knows i love her in a different way and hates me now, or she just done this to me to try and break me and her mum up.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008):

Im deeply in love with my eldest step daughter. shes in her late teens and im in my 20s. but i would never cross the boundary because of the destruction it would cause. i love her mum dearly and would never hurt her. i get on better with my step daughter and find her attractive. her mum has given her talks about flirting with me, which means she avoids me now, which hurts. there are other children involved so too many people would be hurt. sometimes we have to sacrifice our feelings for the sake of others.

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A male reader, previasc96 United States +, writes (23 April 2008):

This is axactly why you shouldn't have married a woman with a grown daughter!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008):

What is there really to do when you love someone? Assuming of course this is reciprocated...One way love is of course...Is it possible to love 2 people at the same time? Why is breakup a solution? Breakup could be even more devastating in the long run. Suppose someone loves mother and step daughter? and... that relationship is based on love and trust... Should it continue if everyone is happy? Happy meaning that everyone is able to develop and achieve? Is there a way to keep things balanced? Love should conquer? Personally, no one can realistically plan such a thing...it happens. How can you shut down mutual feelings? One needs to be careful...is it possible for human beings to successfully do this? I'd rather not explain my situation...and I will say this...when love is so deep and so fulfilling that every second of every day is spent thinking about the other...how can love be wrong?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008):

I feel your agony. My step daughter is in love with me,and I am in love with her too. We have never taken our feelings further,but the desire is there to do so(on both sides). Don't get me wrong,this is not a paedophillic thing. Our deep Love has been growing over the years. It started with a Love for my daughter when I married her mother,but as time has passed and she became a woman. The Love has changed from a father daughter thing,to a 2 adults who are totally in tune thing.

It's a horrible situation cos many won't accept our feelings,and also because I am still married to her mum.

I hope you find your solution,but I fear that ,just like me and ***** ,your love with you and your step-daughter will have to fall by the wayside. To pursue it would do too much damage to your family for it to continue.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008):

your feelings are mixed up as a step dad I to fell in love with my step dau.I did not however view her as a potential relationship.. a notch to my belt but I view her as my daughter,in every respect she is my dau. and I will do anything in my power to take care of her and love her and respect her,you see I love her mom and her dau is my dau and becuase I fell in love with her,she is no longer my step dau but my real dau.so examine your feelings and see if that is not the case with you,the love you feel is the love a father feels for a daughter

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008):

In order to be sensitive to and respectful of all parties feelings, as well as mindful of the potentially devastating impact on your family, you should not act on your feelings until and unless you have left your wife. Also, you should not act on your feelings unless your stepdaughter is an independent adult (over 21).

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008):

then go tell her....life is too short to live in fear of what people may think

go for it

good luck man

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A female reader, happyholly United Kingdom +, writes (7 February 2008):

Turn around and never look back or sort this out in your own head and stop it now. We only have a few people we can trust in life, and you are meant to be one of them, taking a guess that she is young,the fact she is your step daughter,the age gap and you will not only hurt her but her mother also.

So wrong and no good will ever come of it.

Please do not go any further with this,

Holly

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (5 February 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntLove her as a daughter and keep sex out of it....We are human being and can think.

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A female reader, shandygirl United States +, writes (4 February 2008):

shandygirl agony auntMy Stepfather was AFTER me, and it grossed me out, because I thought of him as my Dad. In fact, I left home at the age of 18 because of him. He was always trying to corner me, and kiss me, and I hated it.

Your stepdaughter views you as her father. Don't let her down. Be a good rule model, and don't turn into what she would view as a "Pervert." Trust me, it will leave phychological scars on her, that will affect her outlook on men for the rest of her life. If you care about her, you will think of what is BEST for HER, as a Father figure, and NOT what YOU want. Think about this.......carefully.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008):

look i dont know you but im in the same situation but im the step daughter and to be honest there is nothing hat you can do about because it will split up the family and your step daughter needs her parents and family's support and that is never going to happen

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008):

Need more information.. plz update xx

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A female reader, Monica G United States +, writes (4 February 2008):

How long have you been her father figure for? How old is she?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008):

Those feelings are completely wrong your step daughter would probaly not apressiate your feeleings and obviously her mum would probaly be completely disgusted. Think about the age gap and just have some morals. Control your feelings.

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A female reader, Serinity United States +, writes (4 February 2008):

Serinity agony auntA little more information would be helpful to give you adequate advice. But in a nut shell.........this kind of circumstance it's not viewed as being politically correct.

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A female reader, korculan queen Australia +, writes (4 February 2008):

First of all Boundaries. You have been entrusted with the care of your stepdaughter and while she is blossoming into a beautiful woman you have to acknowledge that although she is not your blood she sees you as her stepfather. Does her mother or your stepdaughter know how you feel? Remember you are her male role model and how you treat her will be how she will be treated by future males in her life as her core belief values will be affected by how she is treated by you. Think very very carefully on whether you want to instill in her the core belief that if a man who she trusts wants her then she should succumb and be flattered. I am a domestic violence worker and I deal daily with women whose fathers and stepfathers chose to confuse love with power and control and abuse and I follow their trail of failed marriages, abusive relationships and the abuse of their children at the hands of her childrens father and stepfathers. You see what I am getting at. Your boundary is that you are entrusted to be her father. Ask yourself if she was your sister and your father or stepfather fell in love with her and wanted sex would you think this ok? This child is someone's daughter, and will be someones mother one day. Do you really want to ruin her life and yours and the trust that she has in you.

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A female reader, xapathyxrebornx United Kingdom +, writes (4 February 2008):

xapathyxrebornx agony auntits wrong, how old is she?

you shouldn't do this or let these feelings develop its WRONG

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