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I'm in love with my best friend's wife!

Tagged as: Dating, Forbidden love<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 March 2008) 8 Answers - (Newest, 15 August 2010)
A male United States age 36-40, *rHannavas writes:

I am in need of advice, constructive critisim, and feedback. Please do not tell me how terrible of a person I am. I already know this. I have beat myself up emotionally for years now. I can't get away from these feelings, so here is my story.

I became attracted to my BF's wife about 5 years ago. I am a pivot point kind of guy. I believe anyone can change their feelings and opinions but they should be able to tell you everything about that moment if they are sincere. I remember the exact moment the switch flipped in my mind. Our group of friends had went to dinner that night and were going out afterwards to a club to dance. My brother and I decided not to go out but to go car shopping instead since the sales reps would not be out to hassle us so late in the evening. She asked me why I wasnt going with a look of great disapointment and at that moment it hit me out of no where. Her husband never would go out to clubs with us because he didnt want to see other guys approach her so I usually watched out for her.

I became friends with my BF about 15 years ago. He was already with his wife at this time so I have known her just as long. For the first ten years of our friendship we were always together. In our late teens we started going out on the weekends to scout the town for women. I was never great at picking up girls but he was. He said he loved his GF at the time but wanted to make sure he had the woman for him. He always seemed to feel guilty about it and I never once had thoughts in the back of my mind that one day I would have these feelings about her and hold his secerts. I would say he slept with 30 other women easily during this time period before their marriage. Since their marriage I only know of one occasion.

I was the best man in his wedding and by this time my feelings for her mentioned above had already sparked about a year earlier. One night less than a year after the wedding we were all out at a bar having drinks. Her and I spoke and wanted to go dance so we asked if he cared and he did not. We left and that night was the first night that we confirmed our feelings for each other. We kissed that night and I offically became a person that I felt like no one could trust. I have never slept with her, although we had one other occassion where we kissed. We have talked off and on over the years and to make things worse everyone seems to see it. Before we kissed and since that night I have had just about every one of my friends tell me that she is in love with me.

I have tried to move one several times over the past five years. I even go married and moved away. But I have never been able to stop thinking about her. The few times during the year that we all get together it is like nothing has changed. We still see the same look in each others eyes. I feel such a powerful connection. I do not know what to do to have closure.

Her husband is very attractive, makes a good living and is very popular, always has been. I have always been shy but charismatic in ways of my own. I have dated many women in my time so I have had the opportunity to feel many different feelings of emotions with the opposite sex. This feeling has caused me much depression because I can not make it go away.

What do I do???

View related questions: best friend, friend's wife, move on, period, shy, spark, wedding

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A male reader, stressedlove Lebanon +, writes (15 August 2010):

i don't know , cause i have the same problem, i am married also but i love my friend wife and i feel she loves me as well from the look and sparkling of her eyes, she always create plans for us as a group to go out and be together, she also tried once to make us buy a house near her, man i am so in love with that girl i never felt like that before, we only talk by chating sometimes, we don't mention that we love each other , but trust me i can feel it and am sure she do, what to do is a difficult question, i can't tell her i love her, i wish she do maybe it will be easier and then we can runaway together and live happy i cant help u cause i need who help me cause i am suffering i can't get her out my mind i love her deeply ...........

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010):


I see that it was in 2008 you wrote the post about your love to your BF wife.

Please tell me what happend? Did you tell him, her?

I am in the same situation actually...

My best friends wife and I both like each other very much, I feel love to her and I think she do the same to me. We have kissed a few times and it feels soo good to have her close. But we agreed to stop this, we both feel so bad for playing this double life.

But with her I can speak about everything, we laugh about the same things, we just connect at the same level...

But I cant get her out of my head. I actually broked up with my girlfriend, who really loved me very much, only because I'm in love with a girl I cant have... Life is a bitch, huh...

Its funny to, she is a few years older than me and she have children... I dont have children, but I would like to have in the future. Problem is that the only one I would like to have a family with is her, but its to late because she already have a family... She started her life without me...!

Well, I dont know if its funny, as I said, it sucks...

Well, I dont want you to answer my problem, I would only like to tell you about it.

Please tell me how it worked out for you...

// Sweden

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008):

My friend, I say go for it...go for it hard, go for it long and go for it sure. There is so little true love on this God's earth, mostly because of "protocol". Every moment that goes by is another moment you won't be together. Fight for your true love and fight hard. If you don't then theres no hope for any of us and no hope for true love. Be a champion of love. I'm in the same situation as you...and I've decided to go for it, to go for broke...hell, my heart's already broken...and so is hers...why should "He" skate by unscathed all these years...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008):

If it is true that eaxtraordinary circumstances call for extraordinary measures, and preferably if none of you has children, then

I think you should evaluate how happy each of you is, maybe your friend is not paying attention to her. In the end life is very short and nothing is more immoral than living an unhappy life. If you think that being together will fulfill the dreams of love and happiness for both of you, then even if you sacrifice a friendship maybe it is ok to go ahead. But be very careful, discrete and do all progress very gradually, nothing sudden, so that it seems like a natural evolution of things. If it is true that love conquers all then things should come out all right.

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A male reader, makingmistakes2 United States +, writes (7 April 2008):

Hey brother do not under any circumstances tell her husband! That is the craziest thing I have ever heard. Ignorance is bliss as far as I am concerned.

I want to start off by saying that I am in the same boat as you are only worse. I fell in love with a close friends fiance. She and I both fell in love with each other over the period of a year prior to her wedding date. I just had the "pleasure" of watching the woman that i fell deeply in love with get married. To make matters worse I was in the wedding party. The hardest part for me is coming to terms with the fact that it wasn't meant to be.

I dont think there is ever going to be a way for you to get "closure." I think the closure you are looking for is finding out if she loves you as much as you love her. Talk to her about it and tell her whats on your mind. Just because you tell her doesnt mean she is going to run out and divorce him, but it may clear the air for both of you.

Do not tell her husband anything unless you want to destroy your friendship with him and his marriage. Nothing good will come of it. Let him live out the rest of his life in ignorance. If you tell him he will become paranoid and distrust her. Put yourself in his shoes.

Good luck to you.

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A male reader, MrHannavas  United States +, writes (20 March 2008):

MrHannavas is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I understand that it sounds like a bad decision, quite possibly will be. But I believe that it is the right thing to do now at this point. I live very far away now but will be traveling that way in a few weeks. My thought process is that I need to contact her and let her know that I want to speak to her face to face because I need closure. I will let her know when I will be in town and she can decide a meeting place that is comfortable for her. I think writing a letter prior to this is a good idea that will help me be sure this is what I want to do...... In regards to my marriage, since I did not go into specifics earlier I will elaborate. In a way my marrige was a gamble. I guess any marriage is. At the time this person treated me great and was very compasionate. I confessed to her prior to our marriage about the situation between myself and BF's wife. I could have never said anything but I believe that if u r going to be successful than u have to be honest and upfront. Need I say that my wife hates her now and begain showing her hatred as soon as we tied the knot. My wife has a very emotion past and very often....sometimes every day is very vile and nasty to me. I always treat her with respect and go out of my way to take care of her needs. I have just been pushed to the edge with over two years of her treating me like less than a human.

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A male reader, MrHannavas  United States +, writes (19 March 2008):

MrHannavas is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank u for the replies. I feel very compelled to speak to her face to face about this. I need some type of closure. We have never had an in depth conversation because I figured I could avoid it and it would go away. Now that its been a few years nothing has changed. For a few months we stayed in touch through internet. We occassioanlly text each other. We always flirt with each other but not in an out right sexual way. We are both conservative about things like that. She has asked me about us being together but I turned the conversation into a joke at the time....this was several years ago. I guess I'm so torn because I have never expressed my true feelings for her. In the past I always tried to make it into a physical attraction so that she would not really want to proceed with me but the truth of the matter is even though she is beautiful it is her personality, friendship, and values that has weakend me to this state. We think so much a like...... I wonder if she beats herself up the same way I do?

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A male reader, tallandsilentaintallthat United States +, writes (19 March 2008):

Well, I think the important thing to do is ultimately to tell your best friend about your feelings. Please, hear me out because it probably sounds preposterous. Also, note that the things I say are out of sincere concern and I make no effort to be patronizing or negative.

Kissing her was very disrespectful of both your bf and his wife. But, it is already done. What is important that you let go of your emotions and bring them out in the open: that is perhaps the most honorable thing you could do in your situation. I don't think your feelings of love are in and of themselves wrong... but because she is his wife they are.

By telling him about your feelings and the kisses *as well as* your shame and desire to let go of those, you show your good wishes for their marriage rather than fortifying your desire. This *might* cost you a friendship but I think if you are sincere that he will be able to forgive you in time.

Afterwards: try not to put yourself and your bf's wife in such emotionally risky situations. People form attractions: it's nature. Mind over matter. Just don't hang out alone with her. Plus, after you've confessed your feelings as a problem it will make you more conscious of doing what you perceive as right and honorable.

I really, really hope this helps and wish you the best of luck. If I can offer any more help, let me know.

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