A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I'm in love with two men and unable to choose. my long term boyfriend who I have been with for over a decade but I find im not physically attracted to him anymore and don't want sex with him but I do love him and his personality is like my soul mate.I ended up having an affair I met a man that I fell in love with im completely physically attracted too and cant stop having sex with and its the best sex life ive ever had but his personality is abit too stressful hes very serious and causes me anxiety over silly things.So now I am stuck in a big mess trying to decide over my new man and his looks or my long term boyfriend and his relaxed fun personality. is personality or looks more important for a long term relationship ? i know i have cheated but i cant change that now its done and i know a lot of people will say both men aren't right for me but in my heart i truly believe one is the one for me. i would love some advice
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affair, fell in love, sex life, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2019): Let your long term go. He deserves better and you know it.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (10 August 2019):
Go with the new guy. Your boyfriend deserves better
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 August 2019):
 You don’t love either or you’d be able to pick one, it’s very simple.
Cut ties with both and move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (6 August 2019):
 You love some qualities that each man shows and yet you won't drop either man for the other. Why is that? I'd wager a guess because neither man has all the qualities that you are looking for. I'd also guess that you don't want to be alone so you hang on to both of them yet neither one of them completely fulfills your needs. Here's a thought..why not look for a man who has all the qualities that you are looking for? Stop playing head games with yourself and fess up that you are stringing both of them along and doing quite a disservice to them. I'd say pick door #3.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 August 2019):
 If you truly believe in your heart that one of these men were right for you then your heart would also tell you which one.
You don't love either of them, if you loved the long term guy you wouldn't have, or continue to, cheat on him, if you loved the guy you are cheating with you would have broken it off with the first guy.
You need to cut them both loose, and go find guy number three.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2019): You're not in-love with two men. You're flattering your ego. You've created your own drama and soap opera.
You needed a distraction and some drama; because you're going through a middle-aged crisis. We all reach that point after 40; when we look in the mirror, count the wrinkles, and pluck the grays. You crave attention and intrigue. You're creating a mess that is going to cause you great sorrow.
Successful-relationships require trust, faithfulness, reason, levelheadedness, and mutual-affection. If you really love someone, you aren't fickle and caught in the middle. Your emotions are all over the place; because you don't have order in your life, and you have idealistic-notions about romance. You went and dragged someone into your ordinary/mundane life for a thrill...oh yes, and some drama!
You're over 40, and using a reference like "soulmate?" Seriously?!!
You are using both men. One is the guy you cheated on, and one is the guy you're cheating with. You don't love either of them. You're playing with fire, and tempting fate! One guy is a sure thing, because he's a bird-in-the-hand. Over 40, most sensible people know what they want; and they usually have it already. If they are in pursuit of it, they make sure there is nothing that might get in their way, or will impede their efforts. You're behaving like a foolish schoolgirl!
It gets harder replacing someone you've foolishly and recklessly lost in your 40s-50's. In your 20's you can afford to be frivolous and impetuous. We're all grown-up now. Pretending you're caught-up in a love-dilemma may be fun for now; but wait until reality catches-up with you!
You're bored and ungrateful for what you have; but he's still useful. You've extended his contract; because he's assigned to keep you company, and to entertain you. He stands between you and being alone. He helps pay the bills, and he's reliable. He remains because you don't want to lose the extra income, and his loyalty.
You might end-up without a man at all; if he finds-out what you're up to!
You're don't really want our advice. You're bragging about your exploits. I feel sorry for your poor boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (6 August 2019):
 WHY do you believe one of these men is right for you? If they REALLY were, you would have no problem in reaching a decision. You are with both because they both offer you SOMETHING you want, but neither of them offer you ALL that you want.
Firstly, the "lover": you can't spend your life in bed having sex. In time, the more he stresses you out, the less you will feel like having sex with him. His looks will become immaterial with time. He will either lose them or they will pale into insignificance when he is stressing you out all the time.
Your relationship with your boyfriend, on the other hand, has DEFINITELY run its course, UNLESS you are BOTH happy to stay in a relationship where sex is not involved (which you are obviously not). Your other alternative is to try to rebuild your sex life with your boyfriend.
I suspect you actually do know that neither of these men is right for you; you just hang on because you are terrified of being alone.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (6 August 2019):
 Actually the most important factor in a long term relationship is fidelity, or loyalty, or to put it most simply Trust.
My advice is that you tell both men how you feel. That should quickly solve your choice problem.
Some more helpful advice would be, Get yourself a therapist and learn why you would do this to a person you love, and to a person you are strongly attracted to. Learn how to stop making this kind of choice.
If one of these men you have played so heartlessly decides they want to stay with you. Then start by being completely honest and building a Strong relationship of Trust.
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