A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a total quandary! I've been in a "friends with benefits" relationship for over two years with a guy who has a girlfriend, but whom he is mostly only with for financial "trapped" reasons. Debts and life's stresses mean it is nigh on impossible for him to live on his own, so he continues with this failed relationship continuingly hoping to get to a point he can leave. In the meantime (over a year ago) there has been an aborted pregnancy with this girl (sex happens when she demands it rarely) which she holds against him. She's a bully actually!Anyway, he's become my best friend. But I'm kept in the shadows (to a degree) because his girlfriend has had her suspicions about me in the past, and so I'm constantly jealous when I see her posting things on FB. It cuts me to the bone when i see these things. We regularly have sex (which is passionate!) and we talk/text most days. I fell in love with him a long time ago, but as a single mum my situation doesn't fit for a long term relationship with him, but I wish that I could continue this relationship with him in a less immoral manner! I don't like myself for being a mistress as such! But I justify it because it serves both our needs!! I don't think he feels the same way about me, I think it's too complicated for him to even go there! Am I stupid to be continuing this? I couldn't bear to not have him in my life! And I hold out hope that one day things will fall into place with us, but in the meantime I'm terrified that she'll trick him into another pregnancy which because of last time will be too difficult for him to get out of, leaving him trapped with her totally!It's such a mess, no one else knows anything about any of it and as much as I do trust his decent intentions towards me, there's a massive ongoing fear in my own head that I'm being used (this isn't grounded with any evidence!). So what do I do? Do I tell him how I feel? Risking everything or nothing (I don't imagine he'd never speak to me again, he values our friendship too much). But will it solve anything? Do I try and stop all of this? I need someone's neutral opinion. Please help!!!
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best friend, debt, fell in love, has a girlfriend, jealous, mistress, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015): First-off, he sounds like a loser. He's financially-dependent on a woman. He can't leave her, because he can't take care of himself? One bedroom from homeless? Seriously?!!
I think your feelings are typical of most FWB relationships that last too long. One catches feelings, and the other sticks to the original agreement. Sex with no attachment. You hid your feelings this long; now why bother telling that loser? He's not even worth being a friend!
May I remind you, you're a single-mother and your life doesn't allow for unstable relationships with men. Your child depends on you, you are a role-model, and your heart and feelings are precious. Everything you do should be for your growth, and to give your child the best you can. To set an example and demonstrate what a good relationship should be like. Even if a few didn't work; you set the example of how you persevere all the same. Resist defeat!
You keep trying until you get it right. Don't settle for less, search for better. That little voice in your mind that told you he's the best you can do, is a liar!
You've settled for what is available and convenient. You've invested your feelings in a no-win loose-ended romantic-
connection with a man who uses you on the side. Maybe after the father of your child departed, your self-esteem plummeted. It destroyed your ego, and diminished your self-worth. You've convinced yourself this type of relationship works for you. It obviously doesn't. You would be taking on just another financial-dependent. His dick is all he has to offer women, in exchange for taking care of him. I shiver at the thought! If you're a wealthy woman, no problem. It won't take any food out of your child's mouth.
Here comes the cliche..." you can do better than that!" You owe your child and yourself, better than that.
It's time to cross your legs and lock the gates to his pleasure. Why on earth would you tell him you are in-love with him; when he has made not one single gesture (beyond sex) to show he feels even remotely the same? He's with some other woman, and your explanation of the the "complications" he has; are reasons any intelligent woman would run screaming in the opposite direction.
He's a breathing played-out sex-toy. Only cheaper than one you purchase at the adult-entertainment store. Just as fake, but made of flesh and blood. Time to start raising your standards. Let that player go!!!
Stop being the short-side in a sleazy love-triangle. Let her keep the loser, and go find yourself a winner you don't have to hide from your child, or anyone else. You don't hide things you're proud of, only those you're ashamed of. If you have to lower yourself to be with a man, that is evidence he's not worth your time and effort. Let alone proclaiming your love to!
Reclaim your self-respect, dump him!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 March 2015):
 While YOU may be thinking you are FWB you are his "little bit on the side" and once he marries her you will be his mistress...
and if he leaves her, he will break your heart when he does not come to be with you. He would be with you already if he WANTED TO.
he's using you.
Oh BTW if he does leave her, and he DOES come to you (he's not but IF HE DOES)
on the nights he's not with you or he does not answer his phone... won't you WONDER where he is?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 March 2015):
 FWB arrangements often morph such that ONE (of the participants) is more "interested" in the other, than is his/her partner interested in him/her. Usually (as in your case) it is the LADY who - sort of - falls in love with the guy. These commonly devolve in to a desparate attempt by the "loving" partner to MAKE the other (partner) love him or her.... Rarely happens...
Reconcile to yourself that this "FWB" has run its course. Your "sort of" B/F is incapable of making the adult decision that he MUST (make) if he wants to be anything except FWB with you.... All the rest that he has told you is "fluff" that he thinks justifies his not having the guts to commit to you....
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015): You may both have had reasons for starting this FWB "relationship" at the time, but two years is a long time for someone to stay in an unhappy or trapped relationship!
This bloke seems to be happy enjoing his cake and eating it. Plus, you only have his word for how "terrible" things are at home! If he REALLY wanted out of his situation, he would have done so by now - for his own sake if nothing else.
Ask yourself these questions:
- Are you looking for a proper, committed relationship? (Maybe you weren't two years ago, but you are now)
- If you gave him an "it's either me or her" ultimatum, who do you think he'd choose?
- If he DID choose you, would you ever really trust him, knowing that he could happily cheat on you, the way he is with his girlfriend?
My advice? Leave him. Leave the situation. It's toxic.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (16 March 2015):
 You sure could tell him how you feel but if you have no concrete outcome that you want him to demonstrate to you then you better have strength to drop this guy in the spot.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 March 2015):
 I'm sorry honey, I think you are selling yourself short with this guy. He is a PISS POOR BF to his REAL GF and he is USING you. Why settle for some other woman's sloppy seconds? Don't you WANT more for YOU AND your child?
I agree the dude is filling you with the USUAL bullcrap of a "taken" guy. It's almost TEXTBOOK cheater excuses.
The whole, I'm only with her for financial reasons, she is a bully, they only have sex when SHE demands it? Seriously? YOU believe that crap?
I mean I get it, it makes it SO much easier for YOU to screw around with a guy with a GF, IF the GF is a total twat. Because THAT makes it totally OK, right? Come on!
You think SHE will TRICK him into a pregnancy? Seriously? He can't USE a condom and REFUSE sex without it?
You whole post read as a woman in UTTER denial.
He doesn't WANT to be in a relationship with a single mom, but he will have SEX with her, use her as his "woe is me" shoulder to whine on, and he doesn't have the NUTS to end a relationship which is so horrible with a woman who bullies him?
WANT TO BET that HE bullied HER into the abortion?
Being financially trapped? No I don't buy it at all. He could get legal advice and find a way to separate their debt and move on, people do it ALL the time.
Sorry if I come off as harsh, but you are old enough to take those blinders off and see that the ONLY one you are screwing is YOU.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 March 2015):
 What you are getting from this guy is all you will ever get from this guy. It works out pretty sweet for him I must say. His REAL girlfriend will continue to post their special moments on Facebook and you will remain dark as his dirty little secret. If that is okay with then by all means carry on. On the other hand if I were you I would want to find that special guy who would want to hold your hand and your child's hand and walk down Main Street. A guy whose picture you could plaster all over Facebook. Life is a precious gift and shouldn't be wasted in the shadows. Dump this loser and start living life to the fullest no sloppy seconds!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 March 2015):
 This guy has you falling for a whole line of BS, hook, line and sinker.
He does not have decent intentions towards you, you are being used as you fear, and your fears are not groundless, your gut is trying to tell you the truth but he is sprinkling the fairy dust so thick and fast you are failing to listen to your own intuition.
1. Any man with half a brain who is tricked into pregnancy doesn't hang around to be tricked a second time (unlike your charmer).
2. He is abusing his girlfriend, using her to maintain a living standard because of debts and life's stresses? Oh, excuse me!! If this is true, do you really want a man who lives off women? Did you even read what you were writing about him? Did it sink in.
She's a bully? Who says so? HIM? Why are you listening to him, he is a liar and a cheat, and you are aiding and assisting him with this.
You ask what to do. What you need to do is shut down your shop. Don't open your door, or your legs for this sad excuse for a man.
He isn't your friend, best friend or otherwise, he is a user, an abuser and a cheating lying swine. The best thing you can do is remove him totally from your life, you will feel much better for it, go on, you can do it!!
But I think you probably wont, it will much easier to kid yourself there is something here for you, despite his girlfriend, despite his lies about being tricked into getting her pregnant, despite her jealousy (warranted I might add)despite the lies and the calibre of the man, I don't think you will turf him out as he deserves.
It would be great if you proved me wrong!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015): WTF? How DELUSIONAL can you get?
He's LYING to you!
I wouldn't be surprised if he pressurised her for the abortion, which is why there is resentment. And, sista, whaaaat? "There's sex when she demands it,but rarely" blah-blah... Can you HEAR yourself??? She got pregnant!
You are NOT in a FWB relationship!!! NOT!
You are helping him CHEAT!!!
Stop ENABLING the lying c"&*, get some balls, and leave his sorry ass...
ps: Tbf, I'd have contacted her on me leaving-she doesn't deserve to suffer at your hands or his... A bit of redemption is not a bad thing on the soul. Not that you can ever take back the wrong you've done to an innocent person,but you can at least try and help...
Also, there is such a thing as "sisterhood", you've crossed the line, in fact, you're so far past the line that I hope some of your girlfriends forgive you and you learn from this (as if it were my friends, IF they knew I was doing something like this, they'd drop me like a hot stone. And they'd BE RIGHT. Who's to say that IF I were to do that,I won't hit on THEIR bf next? Respect BOUNDARIES! And yourself...)
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