A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I'm adding another woeful post to the list of adult virgins out there who need help. But my situation has an unusual twist...First off, let me just say that no matter how this will sound, I'm not being arrogant. I genuinely need help figuring this out. I am a 28 year old virgin, and I was quite an ugly duckling when growing up. This gave me a very low sense of self-esteem, and I missed out on all of the sexual developments that teens usually go through.Well, as I got older, things gradually turned around. And I mean completely. I am now 6'6" and 220 lbs. I work out several times a week and am quite honestly a pretty cut guy. I even did some time in the military and served overseas in Afghanistan. I'm successful in my career, drive a nice car, can afford nice clothes, and get complimented often on being the classic "tall dark and handsome." I got VERY good at hiding my big dark secret: virginity.By now you're all thinking what is this guy's problem, why's he here to brag? That's not what I'm doing at all. You see, I'm as awkward as any other virgin around women. I just never grew up acting like a hotshot, but that's exactly what everyone seems to expect from me. Girls are always looking for me to take the lead, to be the smooth, experienced player! And in the meantime I've never even made out.Will someone please tell me how I can lose my virginity without making it obvious? I'd love to be able to capitalize on my good luck without being ridiculed. I'm an incredibly proud person and I couldn't take being laughed at or mocked, and let's face it, that's what people to do virgins.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2010): Aww there is nothing wrong with it. It's something to be proud of. You are a great catch and it's not a dark secret. I think you are making it into something much bigger than it needs to be. I'm the female version of you, I have felt the same way for a long time but I realized that when I found the right guy it wouldn't be an issue. I wouldn't suggest going out and trying to just sleep with some random girl, unless you think you could emotionally handle that. But I would recommend getting comfortable around women. Just spend time with them and start small, don't try to go through all the bases in one night. I don't know what kind of contact you've had yet but maybe just try hugging hello and goodbye with your female friends. If that's comfortable then start going on dates, and don't put pressure on yourself to have sex just enjoy your time with them. Give her a goodnight kiss, just a simple kiss and go with what feels natural. Just because you're older doesn't mean you can't still enjoy all the small steps that happen in your teenage years usually. Not all girls are looking for the hotshot type though, and the girls you chase after will have a big impact on how you being a virgin is received. If you go for younger girls they tend to still be fairly immature, just nature. If you go for girls closer to your age they will be looking for a good guy which it sounds like you are, and not the hotshot who is just about looks.
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (3 July 2010):
 In my practice, I have worked with many many men who, like you, are/were adult male virgins.
You are not alone. In fact, at 28, you still have plenty of time to get comfortable with yourself and sex.
First, stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You do not have to be a player or a hotshot. You can actually afford to be a good guy. You do have to lead however...this means you relieve any woman you go out on a date with, the burden of having to feel like your mother. If she is doing something for you, or deciding something for you, that you should be deciding or doing for yourself, she will end up feeling like your mother, and that is not the kind of "leading" that will keep her around.
By the age of 28, some guys would have gone to prostitution. I have found in my practice that those guys who do not venture into sex-workers usually have some deeper issues regarding being intimate. At the heart of the issue is some form of fear of intimacy. If this is the case for you, you may have to consider therapy. If it is just a behavioral pattern that you are seeking to change, then it is a matter of stopping self sabotaging behaviors. (most AMVs get plenty of chances to find sex and love, but they self sabotage because deep down, their fear is stronger than their will for intimacy). You have focused on a career, your health, your lifestyle, and all that is great...but it means little without the willingness to connect...that is what you need to work on.
-Frank Kermit
Author, The Adult Male Virgin Handbook
http://www.franktalks.com
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (3 July 2010):
 A girl who loves you won't care. I'm sure plenty of girls are interested in you, and you're just gonna have to learn the same way as everyone else - through experience, positivity and saying yes (obviously within reason.) Don't be passive. And only tell girls that you are a virgin if they ask you. But if they do ask you, don't lie, tell them the truth. Girls don't like a guy who lies about his history, and then if you're no great in bed, they'll know you've got a good reason.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2010): Girls aren't looking for you to be smooth and experienced player or some kind of hotshot. Maybe from your appearance that's what they expect you to be, it's up to you to prove them wrong.
You're awkward around women? Does this include female friends, female family members etc? My guess is that you're not and if your not then you should'nt feel awkward around women you have a romantic interest in either because they're the same as the above mentioned women, with the same fears, needs, emotions etc.
The only problem with being a virgin, for most virgins anyway, is they have this idea that sex is some kind of magical mystery amazing thing and they put it on a pedestal. It's not like that at all and frankly until you start having it regularly it's mostly just a fumbling mess, still fun but it's only with experience that it becomes amazing.
You say girls expect you to take the lead, that's where you have hit the nail on the head, not all girls expect that but most do. As guys, in general we have to make all the moves. If you find yourself being awkward around women that you fancy, then you have to learn to train your mind to view these women like you view your mother, sister, female friends etc. in the sense that they're just people there's nothing special or magical about them and therefore there's nothing to feel awkward about.
You wanna know the secret to getting women? Confidence and persistence, if you don't have confidence then fake it for a while and keep trying, if one girl rejects you or you mess it up somehow, then don't dwell just move on to the next girl. It really is all about practice, just be yourself but a confident version of yourself and you'll be successful. You have experience in the military, so you know how to shut down your brain and work on instinct to complete a task, you know that all it takes is repetition of that task over and over for it to become second nature to you. Dating is the exact same. Don't think, just do and remember it's always a good idea to step outside your comfort zone and take some risks.
As much as ridicule goes, forget it. It's not worth even thinking about because there's no shame in being a virgin at any age.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (3 July 2010):
 If it really bothers you that much you could go to a prostitute. However, being a virgin at 28 is hardly crime of the century. In fact a woman who really liked you would be enormously flattered that you lost it to her. Your awkward approach with women won't suddenly evaporate once you have had sex. You don't have to tell anyone you are a virgin if you don't want to. Sooner or later you will get into a relationship and you could let a woman take the lead in the bedroom. Chances are she will mistake lack of experience for nerves (which most people have with new partners). I would not feel ashamed - far better that you waited than slept with thousands of women.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2010): Hey, I've totally been there, as a female! Granted, I'm only 18 but I just couldn't stand the social stratification. Here's my suggestion, and it might sound extreme but it worked for me seeing as it didn't cost any money thanks to my university and my ability to do this on the side, lol: go overseas!
Don't go and get yourself some hoe drinking herself away at the bar. No. But I'll tell you what, overseas us Americans are a HOT commodity and you'll have people left and right offering to sleep with you. Be SAFE, obviously.
I actually had an overseas boyfriend so things worked out a bit differently. But in all honesty, losing my virginity felt like the biggest rite of passage in the world for me!!
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