A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay so I'm looking for a little perspective... I was dating this guy (both in our early to mid 20s) for 6 months. During this time it got very intense. In the beginning he was incredible... suggested we go on holiday together after 1 month, and after 3 months together we went away for a week - came back closer than we'd ever been. He'd met my entire family but wouldn't meet my friends - always came up with an excuse. We genuinely had the most supportive, fun, intimate relationship and our personalities/interests lined up really well. We had just one major snag.. my insecurities. I became very concerned about a friendship he had with a woman he works with - I've been cheated on before and he started to act cagey around her.. I got to his one evening after a late shift at work, asked what he'd been up to and he said he'd been home the whole evening and had just done work and watched tv. I found out she'd been over for dinner with him.. only because I noted a lot of washing up the next day... awful way to find out... and so I said she makes me a little uncomfortable so please just let me know if you're hanging out because I don't want to find out like that again. He saw this as controlling. Several other things happened... he went to an event she organised and lied to me about it, went out drinking with her and some other people - told me he was going and that I just needed to get over it and he'd be turning his phone off... all he really had to do was invite me so that I'd realise I was worrying for nothing. I truly believe there was nothing going on - she's engaged - it just bothered me that he could be so cagey and made me doubt his intentions. After many more "events" I finally said that it wasn't fair on me and I didn't want them hanging out anymore - he saw this as controlling. On top of this he wouldn't let me meet his friends. He had a wedding lined up (we'd been dating for 5 months at this point) and he didn't invite me along and said that it would be weird if he took me... bearing in mind this was a guy who had introduced me to his dad and who I was extremely close with. He was never as soppy as I was but told me he felt the same as I claimed to and did really care, just wasn't good at showing it. He finally told me he loved me by text and I thought that would be all our problems over... then three days later he dumped me saying that he didn't like that i could be so insecure and he doesn't see us having a future. Since then I have acted pretty crazy - dumped stuff he had bought for me on his doorstep, texted him around the clock etc.. It's been almost three months since and we were texting on fairly good terms one day - he ended up sending me a revealing photo and followed that up with that he shouldn't have done that. He came over to mine one day to drop my necklace back to me and seemed really angry - said he wouldn't get back together with me because I've acted crazy. that when we broke up he still loved me and probably would have taken me back but won't now... I'm absolutely heartbroken. How do i sort this out when he won't speak to me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 October 2017):
 Why would you want to be with a dishonest person after already being cheated on? If I am honest it does sound like he is in to his engaged friend. Either that or you pushed him so far to the edge that he felt all he could do was lie, it is hard to tell from your post. Either way he is right you telling him he cannot see friends is controlling. It is clear you don't trust him, so its time now to stay single and learn to build up yourself and your confidence a relationship will never work if you don't trust someone.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (3 October 2017):
 You're no good for each other, you bring out the absolute worst out of each other.
In a relationship that's meant to be it won't be as stressful as this, believe me. When you find the right person you will look back on this relationship and see how unhealthy it was.
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A
male
reader, Woodstock54  +, writes (3 October 2017):
Boy there's a lot here. I was in a similar situation with a girl like you but I was more considerate. Unfortunately a lot of the other statements about control are spot on. Learning to vocalize your feelings about displeasure is an important lesson here but also not being afraid to approach topics that could emotionally hurt you. It's tough when the emotions are rough, but when I dated a girl that behaved like you, I wanted her to be more of a friend to me and not just my lover.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (2 October 2017):
 While he's clearly a dishonest person that messed you around, I agree that you are getting too emotionally attached and thinking about it too intensely- definitely for such a new relationship. I used to be like you and know the obsessiveness and the physical turmoil becoming so absorbed in my relationships, even if they were a couple weeks in.
To reiterate- you HAVE been messed around. I agree he can have whoever he wants for dinner over- but the fact he didn't tell you is not OK- because he should not have to keep it a secret- yes he's entitled to friends, but why wine and dine a woman and keep it a secret? Not appropriate. The fact that he doesn't want to meet your friends and NOT giving a straight answer- everything points to him NOT being straight with you- which is not OK in any relationship, no matter who has insecurities in my opinion.
You need to realise the following :
1. He didn't give you the you the time/ honesty care you deserved. He LIED to you, more than once, which is not caring- particularly considering your insecurities. Like the others said he should think about how his lies would increase anxiety and suspicion for you.
2. You do need to get counselling for your insecurities and anxiety- because the crazy obsessive texting and unexpected visits spell "obsessed" to a mate, and it pushes the best of people away- and it shows that you have some anxiety issues. This is going to make ANY relationship much tougher for you, until you get your emotions under control. I know, I've been there.
3. You did have SOME part in pushing him away. Imagine if someone you cared about was constantly up in your grill, randomly turning up at you home going mad at you.. you would lose affection and interest in them right?
In conclusion he was shady and dishonest, and you were overly emotional and anxious. there's not a route after you acted like this - but once you're confident in yourself you'll see that you don't WANT or NEED a guy who lies to you and discounts your feelings. And you also don't need to go chasing after any guy flailing like a madwoman
Get help and get confident- then you'll see a bad situation or guy for what they are. In your current state, no relationship is going to flourish as you need to be independent and confident in yourself. Otherwise you'll latch onto others for dependence, and it is ultimately you that needs to fulfill yourself, nobody else. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2017): Time to pull yourself together and go completely no contact.
You ARE being crazy. You're emotionalizing and carrying on like a spoiled-child; instead of behaving like a grown-woman dealing with a serious relationship-issue. This isn't your first breakup; if you're over 20.
Don't trust a guy with no friends, or who will not introduce you to his friends. Maybe they're a bunch of losers or knuckleheads; and he knows they will make passes at you. It's different when the shoe is on the other foot.
Your attachment-anxiety from past relationships made you feel insecure; and you didn't trust that he seriously felt emotionally-connected to you. Well, guys are somewhat slow in that department as a rule; but there was too much activity going on with that other female anyway.
I think your instincts and intuition was spot-on. Only, you can't tell grown-men what to do, or who they can make friends with. If he doesn't show enough respect to keep female-friends in their proper place; then it's up to
you to follow your own rules about how to deal with lying guys with lady-friends who are too close for comfort. Dump him!
Your intuition was spot-on. You caught him in more than one lie. That's a red-flag with "DEAL-BREAKER" printed in bold-print across it.
Think before you react. Don't act entirely on your emotions. They will make you behave irrationally. Catching him in lies more than once was surely incriminating. So at that point, you tell him how you feel about the lies; and his excessive contact with another female. He apparently placed her friendship and feelings above yours. So you've already conveyed your feelings about that several times.
Then you have to convince yourself that this isn't worth your time or trouble. Not go psycho-girlfriend on him!
You must take-hold of your dignity. You don't contact him anymore. There is no sense in trying to brow-beat him; or giving him a piece of your mind. It has been over for the last three months. Let go. Fight your irrational-impulses.
You can't just do whatever your emotions compel you to do.
Don't let him weasel his way back into your bed. That's a dumb move. Block his calls, and don't snoop on social-media. Don't go weak and accept booty-calls. You'll get played, and you'll have another tizzy-fit. Don't give him the satisfaction.
You have behaved badly. By losing it, and you gave him just cause to think you're out of your mind. Don't empower people by putting your feelings in their hands. That relationship didn't last long enough for so much dramatizing.
Restrain the drama-queen. Don't let her make a fool of you. Learn how to let-go of a bad relationship with maturity and grace. I didn't say you won't be hurt; but you can't be that hurt over a guy you didn't really know that long.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 October 2017):
 Block him and move on.
This wasn't a healthy relationship and his actions and lies made your insecurities worse. While YOU need to work on those, learning how to trust a partner but also yourself.
You felt something was off with that one female coworker. You were probably right. Where you made a mistake was in trying to make demands. You are not his MOTHER, he really doesn't NEED your permission to have a friend over for dinner. Even a female one. But when he LIES about it or omit it... it's because one of two things - either he knows mentioning it to you will cause drama (which he doesn't want) or there is more going on than a friendship.
And he is within his "rights" to not bring you to a wedding. First of all, he might not even have had a PLUS ONE on his invitation. Second of all, he might not (at that time) felt like you two were working out. Both are a pretty valid reason for NOT taking you along.
Not wanting to meet your friends and you meeting his? I think that is a bit off. If the relationship was otherwise going well. I know in my last relationship I didn't introduce my then BF to my friends. Simply because there was something I couldn't put my finger on with him/us. And as it turned out I should have listened to that nagging feeling.
You make a LOT of drama without the facts. THAT is why he broke up with you. (partly) The other reason (my guess) is that he wants to be single. He wants to do whatever HE wants to do without anyone getting upset or having to take anyone into consideration.
Let him go, you can't fix this. Trust him when he says, I DON'T want to date you.
So block, delete, cut him out of your life and stop trying to make it happen.
And DO consider finding a counselor/therapist and get some help working on your trust issues and insecurities or this thing will happen in EVERY relationship you get in.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (1 October 2017):
Don't listen to his words, look at his actions. He lied to you about a woman when he could have told the truth and made this woman into a thing that she didn't have to be. Then when you were truly on your guard he repeatedly used her as a stick to beat you with.If this is the truth then he is a man who is cruel. If this is not true and you tried to control who he saw and spoke to it doesn't matter. He is lost to you. If he was as you say he was, what does it matter if you can't talk to him? He is awful and he is poison. Be thankful you escaped his arrogance and his attempt to have his cake and eat it. You couldn't trust him to respect your feelings. Find a man you can trust. Who wants to tell you the truth. Who trusts you with the truth. You too owe him the charity of trust. He can talk to who he wants, eat with who he wants, provided he tells you the truth about it. You can get over him by realising he was a snake who deserves no more of your grief. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 October 2017):
 You sort it out by realising it wasn't a healthy relationship, nor was it meant to be.
See a therapist to work on your insecurities, but also understand that he did make things worse by acting suspiciously. If you don't get therapy, though, your insecurities will follow you, even when there's nothing to worry about.
Don't text him any more - block him. Don't make impulsive decisions, especially in regards to him. Cut him off and out of your life for good. Be single for a while, then try dating again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2017): Geezo girl .. I read this post thinking .. what more to need to know this guy isn't into you .. he is I'm sorry into his engaged friend .. yes by gumdrop he is .. why do I say that well look at the evidence .. he makes her a meal and doesn't tell you .. why would any sane guy or female not tell their significant other a friend was over for tea ? If nothing going on hmmm. Why would they then take the defensive route and blame you .. I mean what you've not to ask about said girl ? Why ?? She not a secret agent is she .. no .. so unless he's not wanting to slip up that he said something flirty or inappropriate then he says nothing .. you can't be with someone who wants to tell you nothing .. how can you live with that ? You can't as being honest . The only controlling person here is him .. and switching his phone off Oo gee sorry I would switched his lights out and that would have been that .How dare he treat you with such disrespect and holy mosses why can't you see it .. Leave him to his engaged friend because being honest their something not right there .. Take care chin up .. and walk away
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