A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:HiThere is this guy at work and for some time now he has deffinately been trying to chat me up ,the thing is im on work experience. He is probably in his 40's.A few weeks ago we went out and it got more serious and eventually soon after we ended up making love. He now seems to think im his and insists on trying to be with me all the time.I like him but it is geting very difficult to spend time away /alone from him. He wants to know all about where ive been and dictates on what we will be doing that evening.He text or phones like all the time after work if we arnt together and im having a bad time keeping hima secret from my dad. My head hurts from trying to figure out what to do but at the same time i like him and the fact that underneath he is a good nice warm hearted guy, who has been so very kind. I truely do enjoy the times we have spent together not just the sex but everything. Its just seems a totally different life style to what i have known and im just unsure that im living up to what he wants and needs .I doubt that im anything like his ex and so in my head i worry what to do.Im sure as time goes on all will be more normal and less stress but my head feels like it will burst some times and i just want to cry when im alone. Tina
View related questions:
at work, his ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2019): I think if you 2 could sort some matters out then all might be OK. It just seems to me that some ground rules need to be set and then both you and him will know where they stand. I think that some on here are jumping to unfounded conclusions and seem fixated about the age gap. Being in a relationship no matter what the age is difficult and some seem to think your troubles stem from him being older than you. THis is not necessarily so. So long as you 2 have trust in each other and respect each other then an age gap is fine. Just calm down and chat to him about your worries. After all if you 2 want this relationship to work then you must talk it out. ATB
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2019): A different slant might be????? What the heck???Did you even read the letter?She does not love him he is obsessed with her to the point of being dangerous and you want her to take him home to meet her family?She basically wrote she wants nothing to do with him now but is afraid for her job.She should be a lot more afraid than that.LW you need to quit that job like yesterday.This guy is not playing with a full deck and I fear for your safty.No means no and he needs to leave you alone!I would also report him to any and every authority you can..I just bet he has a history of this nutter behavior.Be strong.be safe.And to the other commenter...as a woman I will never need a man to take care of me because I am smart enough and more than capable to take care of myself...a great skill to have.I am sure that the LW also can.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2019): A different slant might be. Let him know how you feel, ask him to make a commitment to be more simpathethic and get him to agree to be more understanding towards your own life style/friends. An age difference doesnt really matter, its just how people deal with it and adapt. Maybe agree to introduce him to your famiy and bring it out in to the open. If he truely loves you and you him then as a man he should take care of you.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (14 October 2019):
 This guy sounds like a creep!
Who cares if you hurt his feelings, tell him to leave you alone. I’m sure if word got out of this at work he would come off as worse!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2019): Can you see all the red flags here? He is way older than you.He is an abuser big time.He goes after young girls like you because of your youth and inexperience at life he can manipulate you.An older woman would say no way to his crap.Now what to do next.....You must quit your job.In the future never ever date anyone you work with.Take this as a life lesson. You must tell your dad.Look I know you are afraid of telling him but you must.He needs to know so he can protect you.He loves you and only wants what is best for you...You know that.If you have an aunt or cousin or grandparent that lives far away maybe you should go live with them awhile.Do not let him know where you move.Do not even tell him you are quiting just do a no show and disappear for your safety.This man is a abuser....when you will leave you must take precautions to be safe.The most dangerous time is when you leave a abuser.Every woman who reads this will tell you I am right.If you are a minor please report him to the police.If you do not be will do it again to other girls.You might think we'll he is not that bad but let me tell you everything tells me by what you wrote he is much worse than you think..You are just to young to see that yet. Please be safe.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (14 October 2019):
 I'm a little puzzled by your statement that you are on "work experience". When we have students at work on "work experience", they are usually 14/15 and with us for a couple of weeks maximum. Are you actually younger than your profile? How long have you been at this place? Is this a different "work experience" to the one I am thinking of?
All that aside, this is the sort of situation where being a little older (and, consequently, more mature) definitely helps. If you were a little older, you would hopefully have the self confidence to tell this guy to back off. As it is, I feel you are not doing so because (a) you don't have said confidence and (b) you feel you owe him because he has "been kind". Did you really want to have sex with him or did he push it and you didn't have the confidence to stop him? If you could turn back time, would you get involved with him again?
He is a lot older than you and a lot more street-wise. He knows that the more time he spends with you, the more he can isolate you from your friends and family and the less likely someone is to say "What the hell are you doing with this guy?".
Do people at work know about your relationship? I would be very surprised if they did. If they do, how do you think it will look on your report/reference from this employer?
A word of advice for the future from someone who is at least 3 times your age and has been round the block and back:
1. Don't mix work and dating. It is very seldom a good idea. You are at work to work. Keep your mind on what you are supposed to be doing and keep dating to outside of work.
2. If you are not comfortable with something, trust your gut instinct and call a stop to it. It is YOUR body.
3. You NEVER owe anyone your time or your body because they have "been kind". If they are genuine, they will not expect "payment" of this sort. If they are not, then then are not really "kind".
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2019): Older men who like much younger women tend to like them because they can control them and because these men have major insecurities about being with women their own age who won’t take their crap . They will use all kinds of negative language about women their age trying to put them down to try and feel better about themselves and then When it comes to actually getting with a younger women they become controlling and manipulative . If you don’t believe me try asking him why he doesn’t date women his own age and just listen to the excuses he will give you . I can already tell you it’s likely to be ‘ oh they are bitter or set in their ways , or no fun or beat excuse ever ‘men are just attracted to younger women it’s natural ‘ or he may just put down their appearance even though he is the same age . You’ll see ! This guy is NOT a nice guy !
He doesn’t sound like a nice or sweet guy at all. You need to talk to your dad . Talk to HR and put the brakes on this situation. He is using yoh to feel better about himself and you are the one paying the price
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 October 2019):
 OP, the shortest response to this is: if you have to keep a guy a secret from family, he's not the right one for you.
Your dad would be wary of this guy for very good reason: no decent 40-something would be romantically interested in someone who is barely legal.
He is being possessive because a relationship with 25+ years is not equal. It doesn't matter too much at 40 and 60, but it matters a lot at your age.
Please, OP; this man is not a good match for you or other young women. Women his age likely turn him down because of this behaviour, so he seeks out young women like you who try to look past the red flags. This relationship is unhealthy.
No more sex. No more contact. Dump him and stick to having companions your dad can know about.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2019): Honestly if I were you I would start looking for another job, without telling him, then once you’ve got something hand in your notice, explain that you don’t want to see him again and move on and start again. Never a good idea to mix work and relationships. He sounds controlling and while I don’t generally disapprove of reasonable age gaps, 20+ years when you are so young rings big alarm bells.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 October 2019):
 OP, I would tell him that you don't feel ready for the kind of serious relationship he is looking for.
If he does make trouble at work for you, YOU go to HR.
And then LEARN from this. Don't date where you work. It is RARELY a good idea. While I generally don't think age-gaps are bad, someone old enough to be your father will NOT treat you like an equal. Another good rule, is to NOT date someone you feel uncomfortable introducing to your dad.
You can do this.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (13 October 2019):
 You have bitten off more than you can chew OP. You are getting in waaaay over your head. This older man is manipulative and controlling. He will continue to do so because you are younger and don't have the experience to put him in his place. The smartest thing you can do is to walk away. You shouldn't have to be hiding who you are dating. Red flags all around you OP. Don't ignore them.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2019): hi
so what advice would you give me so that wouldnt upset himbut point out that i feel the way i do and so he wouldnt make possibly trouble for me at work.?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2019): In almost all relationships where the male partner is much older than the female you encounter this situation where the male partner becomes extremely possesive and jealous and such relationships eventually end up with a break up.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2019): It's time to let your dad know you've bitten-off more than you can chew. You should never keep men you're dating a secret from the people who love you! You never know what could happen; and they'd have no idea who you've been with, or what they're doing to you. If you suddenly went missing; nobody would have any idea what happened to you, or who you've been with! Pardon the dramatics, but it can sometimes be just that serious, or worse!
You're learning a tough lesson here. You deserve it! He's too old for you, and he's much more clever. He will overpower and intimidate you; and take full advantage of your lack of experience. He will dictate to you, control you, and treat you like his personal-property. Being so dilettantish, you have no clue what to do about it!!! All to his benefit! He thinks you're a stupid kid, and he has all the advantage! He's as nice as a wolf in sheep's clothing!
It's tough for a woman twice or three-times your age to deal with men who are like this!!!
Of course he puts on a nice fake-face, or you wouldn't give him sex! He had to charm you to get your defenses down. You made it way too easy! He played you like a pedophile! Eased-up to you, turned on the charm, and threw the net over you! Just being legal-aged doesn't make it appropriate! That all depends on how he treats you!
It ruffles my feathers every-time a poor female in trouble keeps repeating "but I love him"..."but I like him!" AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! You can't be subjected to all sorts of abuse or mistreatment; and permit men to man-handle you for that dumb reason!!! You get a pass; because you're very young, and you don't know any better! Ha-ha but you're learning! I'm glad you've written for advice!
You've got to be tough. Your tail is caught in a vice here! Tell him that he has made you very uncomfortable by being so controlling and distrustful. You feel he acts more like your father than a boyfriend. In fact, you've decided to end this and tell your dad all about it. You want to get along as friends at work; but you'll have to let someone know, if he doesn't behave himself. You don't want to be afraid of him or feel uncomfortable at work.
Just end it, and tell your father. If he doesn't behave, then you have to file a complaint at work; should he purposely try to make you feel illatease.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 October 2019):
OP,
You don't even know HOW old he is and you are sleeping with him already?
PUT the breaks on, honey!
He is OLD enough to be your dad, which means he will TREAT you like a kid. The relationship is uneven to begin with. HE wants to dictate what you do on dates, he wants to know what you do when he isn't around, he makes you feel stressed. ALL red flags!
And now, HE wants to "posses" you and have your undivided attention.
You can't even introduce him to your dad?! (well, introducing a partner to parents might be something down the line when you KNOW the relationship is solid and going somewhere, YOU don't know that yet.) But if you feel you HAVE to keep him a secret from your dad... It's not good.
you say:" Im sure as time goes on all will be more normal and less stress " NO, you can't date someone with the "hope" that "you will just adapt" or "he will start to chill" or " you will know better"... The whole "underneath he is a good guy" NO NO NO. I tell you, THAT is what women in abusive relationships tell themselves. While this isn't an abusive relationship, it might END up as one.
The longer you date someone who ALREADY (this soon in) wants to CONTROL you and the relationship, the more he will isolate you from your peers (people your own age) and probably family (like your dad) so you can be "all his".
I hear warning bells ringing here. ALL the way from England to the US!! He is NOT a good match for you.
Lastly, I will say this. If you have issues in the beginning that makes you feel stress or cry, THOSE issues WILL NOT go away over time and they will be what breaks you two up.
I agree with Aunty Bim Bim that I think you should talk to your dad and see what HE thinks.
YOU don't know this guy. And there is already so much turmoil in your life, that isn't a good sign at all.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 October 2019):
 This guy, who is old enough to be your Dad, is playing you like a fiddle. He also appears to be trying to control you with his constant texts and phone calls and dictating what you will be doing. I am also concerned that he is making it very difficult for you to spend time away from him.
You say underneath he is a good, nice warm hearted guy. Eh, I don't think so.
A very new relationship should not be making you feel like you want to cry when you are alone, you should be so happy you just about jump out of your skin.
Why are you keeping him a secret from your dad, was that your idea or your boyfriend's suggestion.
I don't think this relationship is healthy for you, talk to your dad and see what he thinks.
...............................
|
