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age
30-35,
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writes: Theres this girl I was best friends with for years and we get along really well. We thought we froendzoned each other then talked and told each other we liked each other. Theres only one problem, as a friend she told me about the guys she has been with. Shes still a virgin and so am I. I have only had one girlfriend and she has had a couple hookups and three boyfriends. They were all "bad boys" amd I feel inferior to them in ways.Im having a confidence breakdown and her history is bothering me. I know the advice is "dont care" but it really is bothering me. She likes me and gets jealous when I used to talk about any prospective girl(nothing ever would happen). Should I try and keep her as a friend andcall it off or what can I do?
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best friend, confidence, jealous, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 August 2014):
 Hooray ! At last ! Took you months ?... Well, better late than never, and all's well that ends well.
See ? what did we tell you all along ?... It's not THAT difficult, all in all...
Good luck - keep the ball rolling , and do not start messing up things with self doubt again !
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone its OP here, and I just wanted to update everyone. I dont know if many will see this, but thats fine. I took months to think everything through.Last week I called her, asked her out. Today we had a picnic on the beach and at sunset I took her up to the water. Hesitated a bit, but then I mustered up some newfound confidence and kissed her. We ended up kissing three times. She said she wants to take it slowly.
I feel like im high in the clouds right now and I just wanted to express my deep gratitude to each and every one of you Aunts. Thank you for all your help.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 April 2014):
@Eyeswideopen : Maybe on rainy days ? .. " It rains, but I am impermeably imperturbable under my umbrella ".
Back to the OP : OK, OP. It's a deal. Work on yourself now, work on yourself this summer... but pls., pls. remember that you can work on yourself AND romance the girl, work on yourself AND ask her out / date her / kiss her ( if hopefully she finishes sorting out her problems ). At the same time.
You don't have to wait to be perfect , act perfect, know it all, have all the answers and win Mr. Universe before you start actually living. It's a work in progress, you start as you are and you learn things, pick up skills, correct flaws, all along the way.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (21 April 2014):
 Can it be used as an adverb...impermeably?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 April 2014):
 OP, I was indeed perturbed, as one of my favorite aunts, CindyCares, has deduced.
You want magic by x date. You must be watching those informercials. "Get your 6 pack abs in 6 weeks!" and the like. There are men's magazines that ALWAYS have the same three key headlines "better abs in x days!" "Wow her with your sex moves" and "how to make her want you!"
It's all BS, OP. It's a formula designed to sell you magazines. The porn you watch is designed to get you to feel a certain way and make you vulnerable to the sales pitches in there, just as the women's magazines are designed to get you to feel that if you just buy that certain mascara, that your dream date will will ask you out, because of those amazing lashes. Or that you can have a better butt in just 21 days…. or that if you read the magazine you will have the most amazing sex ever due to the important tips they and only they have access to….
So, dear OP, please feel free to post status updates. It actually makes us aunts happy to believe that someone is reading and absorbing our natterings….
I do think that you have the potential for a happy and satisfying relationship, sexually and intimately. But you will have to let go of some well-grooved thinking patterns. And that will involve outside pro help.
And when will that happen? I cannot tell you with great certainty that you will have an excellent relationship experience in 21 days or 21 weeks. All I can tell you is that to continue to do the same things and expect a different outcome is not… welll, it's not sensible.
So, make those changes, I think getting help for the OCD type thinking that has you on the cusp of paralyzing RJ would be very wise investment for your future.
But that's just me.
My fear for your relationship with this new prospect is that you are rationalizing it to the point that a year from now, assuming you do start dating her, you will begin to wonder if you can do better and if she really likes you for your.
Which is at the core of all your questions. "How do I find a [preferably hot] woman who wants me for me and desires me so much she loses all control?"
Which is of course what all humanity desires, to be loved and desired and cherished….
So carry on, do your self-improvement, but I think you would save yourself some years of grief if you got the professional counseling now….
Thanks for your updates and posting here and I do appreciate your followups.
You are one of the special posters here who do followup and seem to want to change their circumstances! I wish you every happiness and success and a rich and satisfying love life!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you hopefully the next time I ever come on this site it is to let everybody know that it all worked out. I plan on working hard this summer on myself. Everything that happens will be a new experience to test myself
Thank you again everyone
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 April 2014):
See OP ? time to put your money where your mouth is, and if you want changes , start MAKING changes, without too many ifs and buts and " how long does it take ". Maybe you can't realize it, but the Aunts and the Uncles are a very patient bunch of people, if they weren't they'd take up a different hobby than this. So, when you get to ruffle the feathers even of imperturbable ( do you like this word, Eyeswideopen ? :) IMPERTURBABLE, ain't it precious ? ) Aunt Tisha-1, that means that there's something really wrong, you are really on the wrong path. Time to shape up. By any means necessary. And to take seriously the advice you are asking.
But enough with the scoldings, I want to believe that you are in good faith and you really want to solve your problem.
So, what about starting small ? In line with my advice of " cross that bridge when you'll reach there ? "... It's too ambitious, and frankly superfluous for the matter at hand, to suggest you a whole future life makeover, a whole game plan for any evenience in the rest of your life .
Let's stay with what we have , and what we know , NOW.
So, the good news is that you answered your own question from the original post." Should I call it off or..? ".
You have decided that no, you don't want to call it off. You like this girl, are comfortable with her, she likes and gets you, and it's only a matter of time and patience for you two to be dating. Time and patience that, you say, you have. You are OK with waiting that she sorts out her stuff, first. Cool, then this is decided and answered at least : do just that . Keep seeing her and talking to her while she sorts out stuff, only be careful to not friendzone each other again. In other words, don't be clingy or whiny, but let her know that you are interested in her as a future gf, not just as a buddy buddy. Be discrete , not invasive, but court her, be verbally affectionate and expressive, remind her that you like her , and that you can wait for her to be ready ... a REASONABLE amount of time. How reasonable , that's for YOU to decide, not for her. If her " sorting out things " should take two years, well, too bad, it means it was not in the cards.
Second, the kiss problem. Oh gosh, OP, what do you want us Aunts to do, to draw you a picture ? You'll have to improvise , follow your guts, match your impulses to the circumstances. We really can't be more specific than that, how the heck would we know when you are going to be alone, where, and in which mood you both will be ?
Although I must say that , in this particular case , this is totally a non issue, and the hamster in your head is not only spinning the wheel but must be DRUNK . What kind of a problem is this, she basically said YES, didn't she, she said that she wants to be with you asap, that she wants to date you, that she likes you and that she can see you two together for a long while ! Does this sound to you like a girl that does not want to be kissed ?! Would she want to stay " a long time " with you... without kissing ?! So kiss her already !, as long as she gives you green light and says you can start going out together ! If it won't be the very first date because she is shy or whatever, OK, then make it the second or the third or ?, but , if you reported exactly how things went, she already implied yes to being kissed ! You don't have to entice her or seduce her into kissing , she is game- she said it herself- so how hard can it be ???
As for the mantras etc., two things : !) It's not that I do not believe in affirmations and all things New-Agey, as a matter of fact I do instead, I used several "spiritual " tools of this kind, and they do HELP. The key word being " help ", ... if you are patient and committed . But there's no mantra that's a magic word or an instant solution. It's a work in prgress that requires time, persistence, effort , an open mind and a leap of faith. If you've got all this, you see results, and again, the key word is "results ", not miracles.
Anyway, if you want to go this route, why not, but you don't need a specific advice. Just go to any Barnes and Noble to the self help book section, or google Amazon for texts about self confidence, or self esteem, or even "law of attraction" or " positive thinking ", really, there's an ocean of possible choices, not all of them will be valid or helpful, but hey , at worst you will have thrown away a few bucks in books. But this is something that you can , and should want, to do by yourself, without written instructions.
2 ) honestly honestly honestly, and with all the faith that I put in ,say, writing positive affirmations, or keeping a gratitude journal, or even self hypnosis... I am afraid it won't be enough for you. Your insecurities and OCD thoughts sound very entrenched, very deep seated, very .. well, pathological. It's not just like being shy, or anxious , or pessimistic, it's not just a personality trait, IMO. It sounds to me something that needs to be CURED , by ( sigh ... once again ) a specialized therapist.
If you had a terrible toothache , you'd eventually go to see a dentist, no matter how the idea is unappealing. For mind-ache, it's exactly the same. Maybe you are suffering now, but not BADLY ENOUGH to want the suffering over ...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1 I do have that advice its very diverse advice and I remember it since I've read the answers so many times. My last update was confusing so let me say it more clearly.I have the advice and will follow it now but I want to know what a reasonable timeframe for seeing improvement would be. I did not mean to come off how I did, especially since I have gotten much better since my first question on the site.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 April 2014):
Past not pays
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 April 2014):
Here's the heads up: Tish is easy once you get pays her links, Cindy is easy once you get past her vocabulary, and Honeypie once you get past her angry caps...you don't want help...you've had the best we have to offer
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 April 2014):
You are dating, you are dating the aunts.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 April 2014):
Okay. Dude. I have spent a lot of time writing advice specific to you and now you tell me that you haven't saved it or bothered to read it and I am now really freaking annoyed with you.
What. The. F*ck.
Now that I know that you haven't been smart enough or polite enough or savvy enough to print out all our advice over all the questions you have asked and all the time we have taken to answer you over these past few years, then I have to say to you:
What. The. F*ck.
You need steps, you say, you have been given steps time and time again.
Are you really ready to be a doctor? I'm concerned now that you have plans to be a medical professional and you don't appear to have heard or saved any of all the advice we have spend hours writing.
What. The. F*ck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindycares, I usually ask out girls I have met because they are interesting to me. I have come to the realization that the aunts are right and I am not made to have one night stands and I would like something deeper. So whenI get that close to a girl and I get rejected it hurts. Since my last question, I have asked out three including the most recent one.I have sorted out the family issue for me when it comes to dating. I have started forcing myself to take risks since i have gone from the stage of too scared to ever get rejected to one of asking out one at a time.My question in my head is I need help with the next step of escalating. I didnt know what to say to ask a girl out now I do. Didnt know what to say on a date, now I do. I dont know how to go in for the kiss at this point. I know I should go with instincts but they conflict a lot. I like this girl because she understands me and I am willing to wait a while since she is he girl closest to me in terms of people I know who might like me.I'm willing to put in work but I need steps, maybe being told to make a list of good qualities, mantras etc that can keep fragile confidence and strengthen it. I go in cycles of confidence and when there is no visible proof (havig a girl interested/dating someone/girlfriend) I start thinking its not working.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 April 2014):
OP, I am sure that none of the Aunts wants to tar-and-feather you out of Dear Cupid, it's just that by now you know very well what the advices would be and you refuse to follow any of them, so, what would you want us to do ? We can't handpick for you a beautiful, never been kissed, virgin girl and put her in bed with you ( supposing that this would be enough to cure you of your obseesions , which I doubt ).
You don't want to see a shrink ( which, again, it COULD be what's called for ). You don't want to work seriously with a counselor or a psychologist. You don't want to confide in your parents and ask their help. You don't want to be brave and face your fears. You don't want to just try your luck and ask out multiple girls, risking rejection but also learning to handle it in the process. You don't want to adopt a " sheer will strength " attitude to your crappy thought process, i.e. : " I think that I am not hot enough or good enough for any girl, I recognize rationally that this is not the factual truth but a product of my dysfunctional thinking , so I will talk myself out of it and FORCE myself to date anyway ". You don't even want to TRY and convive with any possible discomfort which may result from a dating situation, like, maybe you'd be jealous- ok, so be it, date and be jealous !, there's a lot of people who are jealous and STILL can keep their jealousy at a level which does not destroy the relationship, or themselves.
You don't even want to follow the low - effort, sensible advice to just cross your bridges when you'll reach them ! For instance, this girl. It's nice that you find out that she likes you, but , in practice, now she can't date you, she says, because of personal and family stuff that she needs to sort out first. Ok, but, when that will be ? In 3 months, one year, 2 years ?... In the meantime you could have changed your mind for any number of reasons , or viceversa. So why worryng about what you would do and what you would feel IF you were dating. Atm, you are NOT dating , and you don't know if and when this is going to happen !
So, since no advice is acceptable to you so far, tell me, and I am not being ironic, I mean it seriously , what exactly are you asking us ? what do you expect us to say ? what do you think we can do for you, that you could not / would not do for yourself ?....
Another thing, I am not sure if I remember well, but I think in other posts you said your family does not want you to date , or you should date on the sly or something.. ( religious thing, maybe ? ). Well, if you want start sorting things out, maybe I would start from there . We don't want you to have an excuse to write us : " I have found a girl, and she really likes me, and she is a virgin, and everything is fine.... but, alas, I can't date her because I am not allowed to ...."
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (18 April 2014):
 Retroactive* not retrograde.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 April 2014):
Your true, core issue is retroactive jealousy. It's being stuck thinking about her with other guys.
This is the core issue you should try focusing on. If you can fix all other aspects of your life, this is just the next notch on your belt. But focus on the right thing. it comes down to obsessive thoughts and not being able to let go of her past. Anyway, look I to retrograde jealousy. that's a starting point. go from there.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 April 2014):
"they *may* have had better"
"The bad boy thing is flawed thinking, I acknowledge that but feel like they got a part of the girl I'll never get."
Your date selection criteria appear to include only women who have been with bad boys.
There are other women on the planet who don't find bad boys interesting cool or attractive.
You do realize we keep having the same conversation with you again and again? You are stuck stuck stuck stuck in the same rut and you won't do the work you need to get to the next level of thinking. You are so entrenched in this "I'll never be sexy enough to get a really hot woman" that you are a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Perhaps that perfectionism includes a bit of OCD and that retroactive jealousy thing. A good counselor may figure it out. You can continue to run away in that little hamster wheel but life is so much better when you free yourself from toxic thinking.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont want to be that but I realize I care too much. It maybe perfectionism bwcause I have everything else figured out besides my dating life and confidence. I DO strive to change though. I Didnt like my weight and changed that, didnt like my style changed that, tried to speak to girls and with the aunts help I asked a couple girls on dates one of them being the one i am close to dating now. Having less experience makes me feel powerless because she may have had better (sex, attractive guys). The bad boy thing is flawed thinking, I acknowledge that but feel like they got a part of the girl I'll never get. I wil be myself but the confidence of being myself will come much later. I'll try to get past it and give her a chance and see if it makes us happy. I still have to figure out what it means to be a ma in dating.Thank you everyone, honeypie,youwish, tisha-1n,llifton, cindycares, eyeswideopen for the advice. And eyeswideopen , I am sorry, I promise you this is my last question on dearcupid, I've bothered you all enough.I'll continue to work on it for years if I have to and maybe one day it'll work out.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 April 2014):
I gotta hand it to you guys, your persistence is very admirable, I gave up many postings ago...
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 April 2014):
Llifton, we refer to it as the little hamster wheel. Our OP has heard us say that to him a number of times.
OP, one more point. Other men's sex lives and dating patterns have exactly zero to do with you. Nada. You choose to compare. Once you choose to ignore them, you may be on the path to a real relationship.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 April 2014):
If you don't like the way something is going in your life, YOU are the only one who can change it. Sitting back and complaining about it yet not really striving to fix it is the worst thing you can do.
Look, if you hate being the stable, reliable guy so much, just be the damn bad boy you seem to want so badly to be. You want to be a bad boy so bad, then go for it! Go take some girls virginity and be a player and treat women like shit if you feel that's an absolute necessity for you in your life.
Sleep with them and don't call them back. Date 12 girls at the same time and lie to them all about it. Act like you don't give a damn. drive a motorcycle and act edgy. Every other "bad boy" stereotype.
If you want that so bad, who is stopping you?? If that's how you feel you're best suited and that's how women deserve to be treated, go for it and make yourself happy.
But if not, stop having this inferiority complex about bad boys. You've got to get past it. otherwise, you're literally going in circles and circles. And what's the point in asking for help when you have no legitimate intention of actually listening or taking in to account any of the advice?
As was stated, when you're actually ready to make a change, then you will start making those steps. Until then, you're merely going in circles.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 April 2014):
You don't like being single, a virgin and insecure about your attractiveness either.
No magic wand.
You have to deal with your fears.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont like counseling and would do anything else. My parents dont know about this because they think Im confident. If anything I feel less worried about her past today than yesterday. It might be a matter of practice, ive gotten better with some parts of my confidence. Its just really fragile
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 April 2014):
You start Grad school in , what, September, October ?. You could start counseling NOW. Plus, you'll be in Grad school so what ? Plenty of grad students get counseling. Overworked lawyers, doctors get counseling, CEO get counseling. If it's umportant enough- one can always MAKE time.
It's not your virginity that's killing you, it's your lazyness , stubborness and wishful thinking. You want the magic word, the " open sesame " that will open for you , out of the blue, the doors of an all new world- or at least the legs of some hot babe.
It ain't that easy. You've go to do your part.
It should not feel SO difficult. You believe in changes, and in changing yurself- you say you saw positive results , after you made some changes. Only, now you've gotten to a plateau and from going forward from there and see more changes... you need professional help. Why so much resistence ?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 April 2014):
 Your virginity isn't killing. Your fear of NOT being good enough or not living up to some crazy standard you have in your head THAT is what is "killing" you.
If you really think she is ONLY with you because you are stable - then she is wrong. You aren't stable at all. And Then YOU are wrong too, because girls your age are NOT looking for a STABLE guy only. They want more then that. Now if you two were in your 40's, I'd believe that a woman would "settle" for a stable guy. NOT in your age-group.
You don't TAKE the time for counseling, because you aren't ready to get help. Trust me on that one. I have been there. All those feeling of doubt and feeling inferior isn't going to stop the moment you lose your virginity. And it certainly won't go away over time UNLESS you find a way to deal with it.
Have you talked to your mom/dad about how you feel? Can you talk to them?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 April 2014):
You don't have one hour in the day once or twice a week to deal with the issue that is keeping you so down you post the same question here over and over again? Not one little teeny weeny hour to deal with it for real? Get up one hour earlier?
You start Grad school in May then? Or is it more like, um, August or even September and you have all summer to focus on your issues. Which you don't really want to face and why you keep doing the same negative thinking over and over again and basically eliminate yourself from the dating pool because you are worried that hot guys will always beat you?
You want a magic solution to this. There isn't one. You have to put in the work. Sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI start grad school soon and dont have time for counseling.
Honeypie as for why she wouls be with me and not some hot dude probably because im the most stable option and that also makes me cringe because I want to be desired like a hot guy. Also, the be yourself advice is a bit datedbecause I only started getting attention from girls after I made multiple changes
I've been single too long to just call it off now, my 21st birthday is next week and the virginity is killing me slowly.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 April 2014):
If they left her a virgin, maybe the " bad " boys weren't that bad after all....:)
Anyway, yes, my standard advice would be : go for it, - as another poster says, if she is jealous, she is def into you, so you are playing it safe here.
BUT, since you seem an excellent candidate for that pesky Retrograde Jealousy, then no, leave her alone , poor girl, - you'd be obsessing about her past Bjs and make out sessions, you'd start hammmering US with " penis size " questions... let us Aunts be selfish for once, we don't want to have to repeat you endlessly that no, she does not care about your size, she does not compare it to the bad boys' , she likes you as you are etc.etc.... you would not listen to a word we say, and it would be all be frustrating for you, the girl, and the poor Aunts too :).
I am not saying that you are a desperate case, far from it, but I think you are a very stubborn case of not wanting to take responsibility, and not wanting to partecipate in your own change, - you are just waiting for the intervention of a fairy godmother who with a touch of her magic wand will make you suddebly confident, suave, proactive and maybe also damn hot.
It ain't gonna happen, you've got to do stuff too, to work a lot on it too.
I too , sorry, don't believe what you say about counseling. First, you posted about more or less the same stuff maybe a month ago, or so- what ?, talk about short term therapy !, but that 's not even enough to scratch the surface, you've got to be serious, committed and persistent with this stuff , it's not miracolous snake oil, you have to challenge all a dysfunctional thought structure that you have built along the YEARS. Second, less in the current post, but in the other ones several obsessive, irrational, repetitive thoughs would pop up- it smelled vaguely of an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, if you check into this hypothesis and it's verified, you may need MEDS to keep it under control - which would not be a defeat , or a declaration of insanity, in fact it would be proof that eventually you have DECIDED to heal and be happy.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 April 2014):
I didn't realize you'd posted on here a bunch of times before. Then my advice changes. You clearly need to work on yourself and your insecurity issues first. Get to the bottom/root cause of why you're feeling this way and then build yourself up from the ground.
I agree - it doesn't sound as if you've had legitimate counseling. If you have, it wasn't a good counselor or you stopped going after a few sessions or something. Sometimes it can take a while to make some ground on an issue. Either way, a legitimate and good counselor SHOULD be able to help you out with your emotional issues. you're not a lost cause. You just have to work hard to change a bad habit in your brain.
I change my answer in light of these circumstances. You do need to be single until you can get yourself into the right mental state of mind for a relationship.
Good luck.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 April 2014):
You know, if you keep up this attitude that woman are somehow to be blamed for having a LIFE before they met you, you will be one lonely bitter guy.
If all she wanted was HOT guys (and you feel you are not one) then WHY is she with you? You think a girl her age does pity dating? I SERIOUSLY doubt it.
There is more to this then her experience.
YOU are looking for FAULTS in HER, so you can go back on your little bubble and host your pity party for 1.
I think you should stay friends and leave it at that. LEARN how to be yourself around girls.
I agree with Tisha-1 - you can't have had much counseling since last you asked questions on DC. And obviously, whatever counseling you got hasn't given you any tools to work on your self-esteem and fear of intimacy issues. Either you had a sucky counselor (which is possible) or.. you are not taking to heart the lessons your counselor is trying to give you. If it is the first, switch counselor. If it's the second, then you aren't really ready to get help.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 April 2014):
Why would you want to call it off if you like her? Your issue isn't with her. Your issue is with yourself. It's your self-esteem telling you that you can't measure up to these other guys. That's not true.
Truth be told, if you break up with her for this reason, you will only run into the same problem over and over, as many girls will have multiple sex partners the older you get. And if you run away from them all because it makes you feel inferior - well - you're going to life a lonely life.
If you like her, try to get s grip on why you're feeling this way. Don't let your insecurities within yourself ruin a good thing you have. What she's done in the past means nothing (and she hasn't really done much of anything - being a virgin in your age bracket is impressive). It's what she does with you that matters.
Stick with her and work through your issues.
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2014): Alright, I will start by explaining my situation... I met this guy in middle school and I told him I liked him but he never did anything about it so I assumed he didn't like me. A year ago he told me that he had in fact liked me, but couldn't work up the nerve to ask me out. Now I ponder every day the 'what if?'. Don't make her ponder. Go after her!
My biggest fear is that I actually have MORE experience than him (yes, some with those 'bad boy' types as well), and I feel like if we end up more than friends i'm going to have to be in control of the whole sexual experience. What i'm getting at is.. there are going to be fears from both sides. You just have to do it. Jump in. She only told you about those other guys because she trusts you, don't hold it against her.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (17 April 2014):
The only way to overcome fear is to rise above it. This is something you must force yourself to overcome and there is very little practical advice for this situation. Good luck!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 April 2014):
Ah, then you lack trust in her. So not a good start. No, don't date her.
Um, I'm going to challenge you on the counseling thing. I don't think you actually have had the counseling specific to your situation. I think you met with a college psychologist who gave you some pointers? But beyond that? Um, nope.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe actually told me these things when we were friends. She has given blowjobs and made out with them, her meaning of hooking up. Still a virgin(or so she says). My confidence is shaken because these are dudes she wanted because she thought they were hot and she didnt want me like that. Plus, they were a very different kind of guy.
Tisha-1 I had counseling and it was not as efficient as advertised. I just spent time saying it over and over again each session. I feel bad if I started dating her and couldnt get over it and hurt her.
The reason we are not together as of right now is because she says she needs to figure some stuff out and deal with family problems. Otherwise she said she feels if she gets with me that it would "last".
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2014): I think that if you and this girl are still friends at this stage, then you should remain friends and not start dating.
If you are already bothered by her history, you will continue to be bothered by it while you are dating and you will not be happy.
It's not that easy to simply try harder not to care when you do.
Are you simply jealous because she has fooled around with more people than you have?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 April 2014):
Here is my alternate answer: Go out with her. Date her. Date her to get that confidence. Please. For us?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 April 2014):
Hi there! I see we have the worry thing going on still. Ah. Sad, that.
Okay, as you have not dealt with this through professional counseling, we are still relying on amateur agony aunts to help you rationally deal with the irrational.
You have posted here many many times about how upset you are that you don't have enough experience and hate that. You've also posted that you feel the girls you like compare you to others because of your lack of experience.
What I observe in you is that whenever an opportunity to gain experience comes along, you FREAK THE HELL OUT.
What is up with that?
Her history isn't unreasonable and guess what? She's not with ANY of those guys.
So, lonely guy, it's time. To. Deal. With. Your. Confidence. Breakdown. Because it happens EVERY SINGLE time you get near to an actual girl who is available and interested.
You have had hundreds of answers and obviously NOT ONE OF THEM MADE ANY FREAKING DIFFERENCE.
We are back at square one.
Dude.
Really?
Really, after all of this heartfelt and concerted and focused advice you are still freaking out?
Dude.
Dude.
When you are ready to face the real issue you'll get some pro help. Just don't wait until you are 40. Okay?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2014): She gets jealous when you talk about any other girl. Think about that. She WANTS you. It BOTHERS her that any other girl might have you. Push forward, deal, with stay with her.
When it comes to women with histories of bad boys, it only gets worse as you get older. It doesn't peak out until at least 30 if not later. Many girls have to screw 15 or 20 bad boys before they wise up. Then they look back on it with regret as a stupid harmful period in their lives. (But you are a jerk if you think any less of them for doing it. Figure that out.)
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 April 2014):
 If she's a virgin, what does "hook up" mean, exactly? She fooled around with them without intercourse? That's what it sounds like.
A friend told you about all the guys she was with?? If she's a virgin, how was she with them? Someone's story doesn't measure up. Either she's a virgin, or guys exaggerate.
Either way, why would your confidence be shaken by her past? Bad boys are typically immature, and not the best choice.
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