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I'm happy talking to this guy even though I'm married

Tagged as: Cheating, Faded love, Health, Pregnancy, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 February 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 13 February 2018)
A female Lebanon age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hello all, I am 32 years old and been married since I was 23, I have 3 daughters now, my husband is a really good person and i loved him so much but he has cheated on me three years ago.

i forgave him and this year while i was pregnant he was in a training course abroad and i found out later that during the training course he travelled to 4 different countries alone without me knowing and i had a nervous breakdown while pregnant and after a huge fight we were back together...

it was really rough for me as my pregnancies are very hard and im always sick..... anyway ... i delivered and had postpartum depression and i travelled with my sisters and met a guy and we have been sending snaps... he really makes me happy and i feel so good when i talk to him..

my husband likes the change in me (although he doesnt know) ... this guy doesnt know im married and im not considering a relationship with him anyway but this whole thing makes me happy and my hormones are raging i cant explain it.. sorry for taking long.. thank u for reading and i would love advise..

View related questions: cheated on me, different countries

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (13 February 2018):

In summary -

The cheating from three years ago is a rationalization and has nothing to do with your current situation. Your admitting you forgave him confirms this.

You are not as attracted to your husband as you are to this new man. Your husband provides you with emotional and fiscal resources, but this man provides you with sexual attraction. By keeping your husband around yet still entertaining contact with this man, you are optimizing your situation with no regard to how it effects either man.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (11 February 2018):

You are in an emotional affair. You are expending energy on this relationship that should be going to your marriage. And you are giving the other guy the false impression that you are available. So you’re cheating both men.

I don’t think you have forgiven your husband. You and your husband might benefit from some sort of marital counseling and you may need counseling on your own.

Good luck.

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A male reader, liddel United States +, writes (10 February 2018):

While you may have not had a physical relationship with the new guy, you have still put your relationship at risk in the same ways your husband did. You have three children with your husband and it is probably best if the family stays together. Assuming that's what you want, you need to end the relationship with the other guy.

As you have seen, it is easy to fall into a situation that you did not intend. That doesn't make it right for you or your husband, but know that it is human nature. You and your husband need to work independently on not putting yourselves in those situations.

Having someone else find you attractive and flirting with you is exciting but know the likelihood of it going further is not great. While he might like the idea of titillating another man's wife, that doesn't mean he wants you as a permanent part of his life. Unless he is a man of means, he is unlikely to want to take responsibility for you and another man's young children. Be very careful as this game may not be the option you want it to be.

If you are willing to stop the relationship with the other man, admitting it might do more harm than good. That isn't for me to decide and maybe you should seek advice from trusted friends or clergy.

In the long run, you and your husband are need of marriage counseling and you may well be in need of individual counseling. Your marriage is ruptured and the chances of you healing it without help is unlikely. The same goes for your own mental health.

Good luck to you, your husband and your children. Hopefully you will all be on the road to recovery.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (9 February 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntYou say that you loved your husband so does that mean you no longer are in love with him? Are you able to trust and forgive your husband? If not then this marriage is not going to work.

I am sorry that you had such a tough time with your pregnancy. What was his explanation for going to four different countries? Was he meeting women? Was it work?

It sounds like you have had a rough time and post natal depression is very tough. You met this man but you don't mention did you cheat on your husband with him? If he makes you happy then you need to ask yourself why? You need to ask yourself why you are staying in this marriage when neither of you seem happy or trustworthy.

Your husband likes the changes in you because he probably thinks you are finally over the past and are happy again. But instead you are lying to him and that is not okay in any marriage. How can it make you happy lying to your husband and also lying to an innocent man? Have you thought about him and what he wants? He might actually really like you and end up hurt when he finds out you are lying to him and that you are married. Also think about your children and how it might effect them growing up people telling them that both there parents are cheats and liars. You need to sort out your life by deciding what it is you want, do you want to save your marriage or walk away? You cannot keep lying. It will only make things so much worse.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 February 2018):

[EDIT]:

"All these issues would be better addressed by a licensed mental-health professional, who can help you more than any of us can."

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 February 2018):

Sooner or later the man you met is going to want to meet with you again. You can only lie and deceive for only so long. Your husband is going to find-out about what's going on; because cheaters always slip and get caught. He did, case in point.

That guy can locate you with very little trouble. He can do a background check, track you by your GPS signal on your smartphone, or your IP address on other devices.

You explained how your husband cheated, and how you suffered from depression. You also went into mental-collapse. Perhaps you really should work on your marriage and family before introducing yet more drama into your life. You have three children and your marriage is a mess.

Postpartum depression can sometimes have lingering after-effects; and perhaps your little side-fling is just symptomatic of other mental-health issues yet to be evaluated and properly treated by your therapist.

You seem to be caught-up in your fantasy relationship; while you have a husband and three children. Meanwhile you've become somewhat disassociated with your marriage and family; and creating a secret fantasy-affair with your male-friend.

If you never intend to have a relationship; then you should stop leading the other guy on. He might find you, and show-up unexpectedly. You'd be in a real pickle wouldn't you?

I think you need to talk to your therapist about what's going on with this behavior. You also need to seek some serious marriage counseling. The "change" you're describing is nothing but the rush you're getting from cheating. You're digging a hole for yourself. It's all going to backfire in your face.

Your husband could easily divorce you and take your kids. Think about it. A history of mental-breakdowns and having a fling with a man you've been deceiving. He'd could use your mental-stability as a compelling case in a custody-battle. You can point a finger about cheating, but three fingers point back!

It seems your husband's cheating did a great deal of emotional-damage; and has truly done a number on you psychologically. You're not happy, you're just playing-out a fantasy. It's just a high for now; but all this could have dire consequences.

All these issues would be better addressed by a licensed mental-health, who can help you more than any of us can.

I can give you one piece of advice. Stop jerking that guy around. Some people don't take well to being played.

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