A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Right,I have been seeing an amazing woman for six months. We get on absolutely fantastic,the chemistry is unbelievable and we connect on so many levels. We took things slowly and slept together for the first time last weekend,and,not to sound too Corny it honestly felt like two souls connecting. I like absolutely everything about her and I can most certainly feel myself falling for her and she has suggested that feeling is mutual.However,a couple of small things will get to me in time. Firstly,she is pretty much a closed book whereas I am very open. I sometimes say something really thoughtful about how I feel and she changes the subject. Is she just shy? Am I being paranoid or is there more to it and she just doesn't want to hurt me?Secondly,we both have children from previous relationships. The only contact I have with my ex is to collect my daughter,give her money or discuss my daughter. My new partner however socializes by herself with her little boys dad. Should I worry about this? She has told me they are only friends and she has absolutely no feelings other than friendship for him. I'm so happy with her but so confused. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2015): Firstly, you're two different and separate people. Your relationships with your exes and children are unique and personal; and as different as your perspective past marriages.
The fact she's on friendlier terms with her ex, depends on many different factors. She may feel her children should see their parents behaving well, and getting along. They have come to terms with what lead to their separation, and they are at peace.
Divorce doesn't mean you're enemies; unless your ex did horrible things that ended the marriage. Or, they turned into the devil during the divorce.
He's in her life for as long as they share bringing up their children. Get used to it. It would do you good to get along with your ex; even if it's difficult to do so. The children benefit from it. They learn from it. It keeps the family intact under different circumstances; with them being at the center of all the peace. Divorce is much more traumatic for children than their parents. They don't understand most of what's going on. They have little to no say in it.
Keep feelings under control as far as "falling." You have much to learn and adjust to; if you're finding fault with her getting along with her ex. It would be different if there were no kids involved. She is also aware of the tension between you and your ex. She is wise to be observant and reserved where her feelings for you are concerned. It sounds like you and YOUR EX have unresolved issues. She'd be wiser to be concerned than you!
Peaceful co-existence after divorce is an ideal situation when there are children in the center of it all. It makes your budding relationship all the more serene; and you're not subjected to the fallout of conflicts and battles between her and her ex. Learn by her example. If they steal-away together on romantic evenings and vacations; then be concerned.
You've got to learn how to deal with individualism and independence. Being exactly alike in every-way is not the definition of compatible. She has already let you know that she has a mutual attraction for you; that doesn't mean you'll both reach the same level of attachment precisely at the same time. That's the point of taking your time; so one doesn't get ahead of the other. I think you're a little anxious and a trite judgy.
One of the advantages of maturity and experience is patience; and honing the skill of timing. We have the discipline and a more developed sense of self-control we didn't have as teens or adolescents. If you're both divorcee's, caution is the word! She's got kids, and any commitments she makes not only will change her life; but the life of her kids. She has to ease you in. That's part of those adjustments I meant you have to take into account. Then, you have to also consider, you're around another man's child/ren.
You might be concerned about who your ex-wife dates, and who she exposes your daughter to. If she remarries, you'll be concerned about the parenting-style of the step-father of your daughter. So you'd expect your ex to exercise caution and commonsense. If you weren't just tolerant of each others existence, it would be easier on your daughter.
Forget about you two and your leftover anger and resentment.
Grow-up!
As for this new romance; one of you has to set the pace. I believe she is doing that; and I think you've got yourself a wise and level-headed lady.
Be vigilant, but relaxed. I think things are moving at the right pace for two people who are divorced and have children and exes to contend with. Don't get it in your head she has to prove anything to you but the fact she respects and cares for you. Dealing with her family aside from her love-life is hers to contend with. Build trust, or move on.
A
female
reader, zarella +, writes (14 August 2015):
Well it seems like you really like this woman and everyone is different so maybe she needs time to adjust as it takes time for some people to open up and express there feelings. So for you, you may seem ready to talk about your feelings but for her it might take awhile. Also being paranoid could be a bad and a good idea, a good idea as what you think could be true or somewhat related however this could also ruin your relationship altogether so the best thing for you is to let go of this and stop concentrating on the little things as they will get you nowhere. Just because you don't socialise with your ex and she does, does NOT mean automatically there's something wrong if she already stated that they are only friends then you should trust her and don't dwell on these issues. They will get you nowhere but trouble and it seems you just need to let go and stop overthinking! i hope this helped!!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 August 2015):
 You may interpret it as her not as invested as you are, because she still had feelings for her ex. It's possible that after 6 months, she doesn't know what this relationship status is. Revealing feelings and deep thoughts are good signs but no sign is as clear as saying, hey, I really want to be your boyfriend. Relationships don't happen by themselves anymore. You can feel intensely for whatever reason, and whenever you want but some people need the security and trust before they share their inner thoughts. I guess you need the clarification that you are the only man in her mind. It doesn't hurt to ask just to be sure.
If she changes the subject when you talk deep subjects you can just ask like "Am I boring you? What do you think of what I just told you?" It's best to know before just assuming. I know I am a person who has an active imagination and I often paint a different picture of how the other actually is.
She might just have a different personality and doesn't like to talk much. You have to accept her just as she is and just look for her strengths. Don't try to fit a square peg in a round hole and insist she must be one way to show love.
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