A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I'm 26 years old and I'm from a country outside the US. I am going to study in the United States for two years, pursuing a master's degree. Shortly after I was accepted into my university of choice, I discovered I had feelings for a friend that I have known for a while. We know each other because he is friends with my brother. We weren't very close before. As we started hanging out as friends we decided to start dating casually. After a month, the guy told me that he was interested in a serious relationship. He asked me if I was willing to keep the relationship even though I am going to study abroad. And he emphasized that he would visit me. I told him "we'll see". Now I am developing feelings for him. He is 23, and I am 26. He hasn't graduated from college yet because he changed majors, but I have. He is in a somewhat different stage of life. He is a party goer and I'm a rather quiet person, who likes to spend time alone. As I began dating him, we see each other almost every day. We have a lot of fun together and he challenges me to be more open and outgoing. I think that the setback is that I'm quiet and serious and he likes to be carefree and sociable. This hasn't caused any problems in our relationship yet, since he says he doesn't mind my shyness. But he is somewhat immature because he thinks of going out all the time and having fun. He's been very loyal to me, and loves to spend a lot of time with me, so I decided to take the relationship a step further. Now we are boyfriend/girlfriend. Now I am slowly falling in love with him. I guess my fear is that I am afraid that when I leave, since he is so social and carefree (and there are a line of ladies waiting for him to be free), that he might forget me and break up a few months after i'm gone. I have gotten ideas of breaking up the relationship before I leave so that I avoid being hurt by a long distance issue. Should I put a time limit to this relationship? Or should I brave on and try to keep a long distance relationship. We started dating around 2 months ago. And we have 3 months left before I leave to study. Is 5 months enough to form a solid thing?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSecond update: The issue that my mother doesn't like about this guy is that I drive him around in my car. He doesn't ask me to take him places. Mostly just asks me to visit me, and when he catches a ride at my place he likes it when I take him to his house. He doesn't only do that with me, he asks his friends to give him a ride home. I don't see anything wrong with this because he usually pays for my drinks when we go out. Ever since I graduated my parents gave me a car, and I have a job that can support it. His parents never gave him a car and won't let him use theirs because they want him to get one for himself to teach him the value of earning things for himself. Since we live in a country where money doesn't have a lot of value, it's a lot harder to buy a livable home and a car here. People that graduate from college in my country have to wait a long time saving money to move out because the salaries aren't that high in most jobs. My mom says that he should pay for a taxi to come visit me. She thinks that when I chose to pick him up or leave him at his home its not safe or ethical to do for a woman. She thinks that he is taking advantage of me. I don't want him to pay for taxies because it's expensive and at the moment he does not have a job. Sometimes I wonder if she's right and I refuse to go over or pick him up. Then he manages to catch a ride and visit me. It's hard to refuse to take him home after the visit is over. My mother gets furious. I know I'm 26, and she should back off from my private life. Even her friends tell her to. But her incessant phone calls after 12, friday and saturday nights when I'm with him are affecting me. My boyfriend has noticed that she isn't happy, especially when she fought with me once and I told him what was wrong. I couldn't help keeping it from him because I was very upset. He told me he felt angry and nervous of going to my house because of that. But he still comes over, he just doesn't like it as much because of what my mom thinks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot for answering so quickly. I should add a bit of info about what I think about trusting him. I have known him for almost two years before I dated him. I visited him at his house a couple of times during that time. When we started dating he said that he always felt attracted to me and had a moment where he fantasized about me. But he never demonstrated interest because he was in a relationship with another girl. He stayed with the girl until it couldn't work out. Now that I see how he treated his last serious relationship with respect. Maybe I can trust him enough to hold off possible temptation when he's with me.
There are other things that worry me a bit more, though. He has mentioned in the past that I should try and stay in the states if I have an opportunity. He said he was thinking about my career's well being. And then he added that he wanted to emigrate and work near where I'll be. I told him that the easiest way to get a visa is to get married if I have a work visa. And he quickly said no, to which I added that I wasn't proposing that we do this, but that it was the easiest way. He told me that he doesn't want to get married until he's 30 and that he would try living with me for about a year first before he really decides on something like that.
He also has a folder full of pictures in his computer that he won't show me. I have caught a glimpse of them behind his back. They consist on mostly pictures of old girlfriends that he still wants to remember. Maybe there's something wrong with me but I don't really feel very good knowing that he has pictures of naked girls that he used to date that he won't delete and, especially, won't show to me.
He is not a cheater though. As I said we hang out almost everyday, and the few times in which we haven't he usually stays home studying or sleeping. After his evening classes he hangs out and has a drink with a few friends from his university, but he wants to see me shortly afterwards. We don't speak a lot on the phone because he rather see me in person. I like that about him that I don't feel overwhelmed. We have great chemistry, and he agrees. He even suggested that he's going to buy a webcam to see me everyday when I leave. He's saying a lot of things that I was hoping he would deep down.
At first I didn't want this relationship because I thought he was a bit young and flighty. I would never back down on this Master's degree because it's something I had planned ever since I was a freshman in college. Not even for him. But I hurt a bit thinking about that day that's coming where I'll have to leave him behind and pursue something else.
A lot of the people around me think this relationship is only going to last until the end of the summer. My mother did not like him at the beginning and she thought he was not mature and serious enough for me, but she later changed her mind. She said that he treats me very well except for one thing. And that one thing is a different issue altogether...
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): It sounds like the two of you are headed in the right direction towards having a good relationship.
I acknowledge his partying ways is a concern though. Can you trust that he won't be out socializing and run into a situation that he can't control himself and finds himself in bed with another woman?
For you, if you don't have confirmation, trust of his faithfulness and honor to protect the union, it could mess up your studying and you could end up quitting or graduating with low scores and not all you hoped you could have been.
You both are going to have to discuss the issue. You will have to ask tough questions, explain what your expecting how you both behave. If you both can get through this with both in full satisfaction of the agreement, feel the trust, and if in fact it works out and you both come together as a couple together after 2 years, you both will last a long time with such good communication skills.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  + ♥, writes (25 April 2008):
 I think that five months can be enough to form a solid thing, but is he a solid guy? He sounds lovely, but a bit more flighty and young. Does it have to be an all or nothing scenario here? Why not just try it and see how it goes, and if it doesn't work out, then just chalk it up to being one of your life experiences. I would not, I repeat, NOT, let it stop you from pursuing your goals, though - THAT you Would live to regret. If you let this stop you from going overseas and it does work out, you might live to resent him for stopping you from becoming everything that you had planned on. I think it's important to stretch yourself and try a lot of different things when you are your age in order to find out who you are and what you want. Right now, it sounds like he might be a bit behind you in finding these things out for himself. You don't have to put such pressures on the relationship by thinking it will be "THE Relationship", just enjoy being together and hope that it works out! I wouldn't decide right now, wait and see how you both feel when you leave if you want to continue or break it off, you will probably have a much better picture of what you both want by then.
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