A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I was in a relationship with a guy for 2 years, which he finished in January this year. I know there were a few problems between us and it was hard to accept that he didn't love me any more. He said there was nothing left. I did hurt him, and our relationship was rather up and down. Underneath it all though I adored him and loved him more than I've ever loved anybody. It was difficult to accept, especially when he said he will always care about me, but not in the same way. We met up a few times after, but it was very stilted and awkward and I felt so uncomfortable and upset with the whole situation.From then, as I have been quite depressed lately due to external factors, I sent him a long message explaining why I acted in certain ways, and that I was genuinely sorry for the hurt I have caused him. He never replied.I went into hospital for an operation and when he said that he'd always be there, I thought he really meant that, but when I tried to contact him, he didn't respond, texts and calls. I was so upset and felt so lost without having his support when I really needed him.He then replied around a week later, but he wasn't actually in the country as he works overseas for months at a time. He said what was wrong, so again, I confided in him and explained that I was feeling low and he said that he can't make me happy and it isn't his job to look after me any more.I said that I didn't want him to look after me, I just wanted him to care. He said he wouldn't talk to me until he was back.I then messaged another long message saying how hard it was for me at that time, but he didn't reply. I then left it until he was definitely around, which was June - as they have leave from June-August, so I knew he would be at home in England.When he was back at home, I found out that things on his Facebook (He blocked me, but other friends still have him) he had deleted albums of us on holiday together, pictures of us together and changed his status to 'It's Complicated'. I don't know whether that is to do with me or someone else.I have heard from others that he could be seeing someone and I will be gutted if that's true. After I found out he had deleted pictures of us together, I sent him a sort of end message to say Good luck for the future and I never thought you'd be that person. Especially when people promise you so much.What I'm here for really is, I'm finding hard to accept that somebody who I have been so intimate and close to for a long time, has disappeared out of my life without any reason. I find it childish and difficult as there is no closure. I haven't seen him in town, as I have been avoiding going out as I don't know what I would do.Is it childish to ignore me completely and never speak to me again? I feel so upset and I keep crying at so many trigger points that remind me of him. I have tried to be strong, but when somebody promises that they will always be there, then they're not. I don't know how to feel inside. I feel very depressed, alone, sad and empty and I hope someone can help me.The thought of him being with someone else is really hard for me to take, even though it's been a while since we split. I never wanted that to happen, and I truly thought we could work our problems out. But he didn't want to and sort of gave up on me I feel.I don't want a relationship at the moment as I am focusing on my degree and my future. We were going to move in together and now everything has changed.I know this is long but I feel so lost. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2014): OP, you don't have to have a large ego for it to be damaged.
Your ego is your self-awareness. It is the part of your psyche that is conscious, and controls how we behave and how we think. Every thing you describe in your posts indicates how much your feelings have been effected; because he will not talk to you. It makes you feel rejected. Rejection is an attack on the ego, it doesn't hurt us physically. It will lower the self-esteem, weaken self-confidence, and we behave according to how that makes us feel. That is what I meant when I said your ego was damaged.
"The thought of him being with someone else is really hard for me to take, even though it's been a while since we split."
If this isn't jealousy, what would you call it? If he split with you, it shouldn't bother you that he is with someone. Sorry, that IS a sense of jealousy.
You haven't had enough time to adjust to all this. So your feelings are 100% normal. It is how we all feel when we are in your shoes. Your youth is your advantage; because you'll sooner forget the pain than someone much older. I was where you are not that long ago, so your words and feelings are very familiar. I chimed in, because I know these feelings are only temporary. He will always tug at your heart, but not as hard. No contact is good for the both of you. You just can't see the benefit through your grief.
Keep writing. It's healthy for you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi WiseOwlE,Writing how you feel is good therapy. That is what we're here for.Thank you.. I do enjoy writing and have written many things in relation to this break-up plus various others forms of writing.That is true, we all want what isn't there, or what isn't available, I see that. I wouldn't say it has hurt my 'ego', as I don't particularly have a large one and it isn't about that in my head. It's the hurt that he has caused me by just dropping me and abandoning me when he promised that wouldn't happen. Maybe I was naive. Yes, I guess you are correct there when you say that in hindsight, I never wanted it to dissapear, I had tried many times to try to get help for certain issues, and when I did, he gave up when I sort of began to try.I'm not agitated by the jealousy, it's more of an upsetting feeling as there was no closure as to why he has just stopped talking to me, of course I miss him, and I still love him underneath. I know that will fade in time, I have no bad feelings towards him, apart from frustration at him not being man enough to tell me exactly how he feels about me. I have always loved him, but as everyone says it's harder when someone is gone, as you do not realise things.Yes he was honest, but not since he said he would talk to me and then not reply, ever again. I am grieving in that respect, but I don't want to 'spy' on him at all. I never would want to be in his way, I wanted to always be there for him and vice versa.I don't want to date as I don't have the time to do that and invest my feelings into something, not solely down to the fact I am upset over this. As you say, with time, it will be easier.I absolutely agree with your last words! :)Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi SeaGreen,I understand you are devastated from the break-up but you really need to let him go. Your entire life is focused on him right now and that is really unhealthy. No wonder you are so miserable!You're right, I know I need to let him go, and I have been focused on him, but I am trying to focus on myself, work towards my own independent happiness, I've lost weight, gained more motivation to succeed and keep preserving in general.I know I made a lot of mistakes, but I have learnt an immense amount and I know that I would never want to repeat those in future relationships, not only with a man, but with anybody I need to be in contact with such as work colleagues or university friends.Yeah I know that he isn't perfect and I have got rid of a few things, however I don't keep reading cards/texts anyway so that's pretty much gone.Yeah I want to do that, to heal over such places and yeah I am taking one day as it goes and started to reach out to people I had cut off in the past :)Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2014): Writing how you feel is good therapy. That is what we're here for.
What you can't have, you want more. The rejection and his pulling away has hurt your ego.
He has gotten over you, and that is hard to accept. You're looking back in hind-sight. So you're ruminating over the dead relationship. Unable to let go, because you refuse to.
You want him to show signs of love. That light went out.
Don't hold on to the false-belief that things could have been different. You cannot survive on what you should have done, could have done, or wish you had done. You didn't.
So move forward.
It wasn't all that good. You're agitated by your jealousy that he'll find someone else. Not by how much you miss him, or love him. Why do you love him so much now that he's out of your life?
Why didn't you fix it while you were together, and when you had the chance? It wasn't meant to be.
He's not going to let you walk in and out of his life; when you feel like it. He isn't going to lead you on either. He wants to move on. He had enough of that relationship. He told you how he felt about it. He was blatantly honest.
Dwell on those words, they will expedite your healing.
It really hasn't been that long since you broke-up. You're still going through grief, and your withdrawal from detachment. You want friendship; but it is only to stay close enough to keep an eye on him and prevent him from moving on to find someone else.
No, you're not ready to date yet. Only because you haven't gotten over the breakup. Your residual feelings will linger a little while longer; just enough to make you feel the sting of loss. It will eventually fade with time.
You haven't done much to distract yourself. You've been following-up through friends and hoping for him to appear.
Waiting for a phone call to reconcile, noticing every car that looks like his, sure you've seen his profile in a crowd. Been there and done that. You only need more time.
That's all!
Getting over someone requires you to delete pictures, get rid of gifts, go completely no contact, and purge all things that remind you. It's how you heal. I had to do it.
It took a lot of balls to get to that point. I had to force myself to. My mind finally accepted that it was over, and my world completely changed. Now I feel strong and resilient. It takes time, but you'll get there.
It is good he disappeared. He knew that was necessary for you to move on. Time to heal. Let him go.
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female
reader, SeaGreen  +, writes (8 August 2014):
 I understand you are devastated from the break-up but you really need to let him go. Your entire life is focused on him right now and that is really unhealthy. No wonder you are so miserable!
Try taking an afternoon to reflect on the relationship. Learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them!
Once you are confident that you understand your mistakes (not that he is perfect but we are focusing on you) then burn, delete, and throw-out anything and everything that connects you to him. That includes pictures, gifts, emails...etc. If you can invite a friend to help you get rid of these things then do so.
Connect with your friends and make new memories at old places. Focus on what makes you feel good. Pamper yourself and leave your home looking your best. Concentrate on something that you enjoy and your degree. Take one day at a time and you'll start to feel better.
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