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Im feeling very insecure about my BF going away Incase he ends up at a strip club!!!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 February 2007) 1 Answers - (Newest, 6 February 2007)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Tell me if I am over reacting!

My bf (of 10 months) has to travel across country for a business trip soon and I am terrified that he will be convinced by his co-worker, who is going with him, to go to a strip club while he is away.

What makes me think this is the last time my bf went on a business trip, his co-worker stayed home. We had a conversation about my bf concerning what he would be doing on his trip (just busines related stuff) and his co-worker brought up the topic that he had encouraged my bf to take one of the nights while he was away to visit a strip club to relax. (my bf has been very stressed out about work issues lately.) I explained to the co-worker that I believed that strip clubs were demeaning to women and that patronizing a place like that is an equivalent to endorsing disrespectful behavior toward women. I subtly grilled my bf when he got home and I found no evidence that he had gone to one of those places, but I can't be sure.

Now here is the kicker, I dance for my bf all the time at home. I know it turns him on, and No, I don't believe he would ever cheat on me. But it just makes my skin crawl to think that another woman would be dancing for him like I do, and that she would be getting paid for it. I keep trying to convince my self that if he goes and just watched that it will be okay, as long as he doesn't touch her, and that she doesn't dance for 'just him.'

I hate myself for feeling so insecure and jealous over something that I am not sure it is even going to happen. I do know that my bf has problems telling people No, even though he says he doesn't, so he is not beyond agreeing to go to a strip joint if his co-worker asked him to go with him. It's making me crazy, and I feel sick to my stomach over this.

I feel so horrible about this that I want to TELL my bf that he CAN'T go to one of those places, but who am I to TELL him what he can or can't do? Another bit of information, I recently found out my bf lied to me (a minor one) about his where abouts one day last week. He was not lying to me to stay out of trouble, but because he didn't want me to worry about him. (Long story that I won't get in to.) Anyway, I understand why he didn't tell me where he was, (I WOULD have worried) but I've asked him to never lie to me again. He agreed, even if it will make me worry, so there is a fresh trust issue thing going on between us right now that is adding to the problem too.

Am I just being paranoid, jealous, and insecure, or do I have a right to ask him NOT to go to a strip club when he is away because I think those places are disrespectful to women and I'd prefer that he didn't place himself in a position to actually do something he would be better off lying about, rather than telling me that he went? If he asked me not to do something he didn't approve of, I wouldn't like it if I was set on it, but I would respect his feelings and not do it (unless it was unreasonable!) Am I being unreasonable??!

I feel like an immature, insecure brat, at the same time, I know it won't be good it he does go becuase I will be mad and hurt for a long time over this if he does go.

HELP!

View related questions: co-worker, immature, insecure, jealous

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A female reader, jabey United Kingdom +, writes (6 February 2007):

bless you, I can tell this is eating you up inside. You have your beleifs and thats ok. Now I think your boyfriend is most probable going to respect your feelings and definately not go, so I think you need not worry. You ask if you are being as you put it unreasonable. This question is difficult as eveyone has their own view. I think no because if him going is going to hurt you and upset you, and he knows then no thats not unresonable.

I would actually now work very hard on putting these thoughts away and make a storng concious decision that you will trust him. Everytime you start to think about him going very quickly change the subject in your head,

this otherwise will be a classic case of you could be wrrying about something that will never necessarily happen.

And be logical. He loves you and you turn him on and that is what is important.

Be confident, Im sure your gorgeous, and why would he need to look at anyone else.

Take care darling, deep breaths and relax.

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