A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I have an issue really bugging me at the moment and beginning to stress me out. I'll give a little bit of backstory:I'm 26 years old, recently gotten together with my first ever GF and everything was going swimmingly and I was very happy until recently. I keep getting these niggling thoughts of feeling under pressure and trapped. I feel bad for having these thoughts but I can't help it I'm trying to surpress them. I keep thinking of things like this is the only girl I'm going to sleep with for the rest of my life, under pressure how to act as a BF as I am still new to all of this, am I ready to settle down? All kinds of odd things and it's freaking me out.This girl is great, it all came down to a random encounter how we met and I was pushing things to progress from the start, I was actually worried that she didn't like me at first and then about 3 months in I asked things to be official which she accepted. She has met all of my family and some friends, I'm yet to meet hers but there's plans in the works for it. She's attractive, fun and she's interested in doing things that I have as hobbies which not many girls I've spoken to in the past have done. She has a good career, has her head screwed on, good with finances and future plans. I know she would be a great person to have a solid future with but I can't shake these thoughts and it's bugging the hell out of me.I don't even know where it's come from as I couldn't wait for the next time to see her at the beginning and thought she didn't feel as strongly. But now she's admitted to me that she really likes me and it's as if things have switched now I'm having all these thoughts and that I'm not as excited to see her anymore and I don't know why, I can't understand what's triggered all of this so I would appreciate any help how I can move forward from all this as I'm not looking to break up as I think it would be a very poor decision on my part. I can tell by how she speaks and acts around me how much she cares and how loyal and trustworthy she is.I will add that I've not in any way, shape or form been trying to speak to other girls whilst feeling like this, I will not and wouldn't ever consider cheating so I really am not straying from my GF in any way, I'm just trying to lose these thoughts.Thanks in advance
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2018): [EDIT]:
"Your mind is now wandering; and you're feeling trapped."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2018): One of the things I find irritating in some people is they complain and say they want certain things, but give no specifics.
This is presuming that she has never told you what she likes; but then, maybe she has and you weren't really listening.
If you want or need something; but you're not receiving it, USE YOUR WORDS DAMMIT!!! Our world is becoming a melting pot of whiners and complainers; but people don't know how to communicate! Get-off those stupid devices for a skinny-minute and talk!
Ask her what she'd love to do. If you can't come-up with ways to woo and romance your lady; then I guess I can see her point. I can say she wants to be kissed, cuddled, romanced, and she needs affection aside from sex!
It does help if she can tell you in more detail the things she likes to do; and stop hoping you can read her mind. That kind of childish silliness gets on my nerves. If you can't communicate and discuss things like adults; then shut-up and get the hell out of my face!
She did at least address the issue that you're emotionally-unavailable! As you pretend that it comes as some sort of a surprise! You wrote your first post, read it! There's a few clues!
I am not suggesting you say anything rude to her! I'm just stressing a point about telling your partner what you need; and she has to some extent. Only your excuse is you're not that kind of guy!
You are in a relationship contemplating on how you don't seem to have as much enthusiasm for this commitment as you thought you had. Your mind is now wandering; and you're felling trapped. Now as I read your posts I'm picking-up on your immaturity. I'm beginning to think maybe you got hasty and rushed things; and now you don't want it once you've got it. That seems very boyish, and maybe you've strung this young woman along!
Now that you've dipped your wick a few times, and the vagina has become too familiar; the novelty has worn-off. You've lost interest. Is that it? The question is rhetorical, but feel free to answer. Read the last line of my original post.
"It's not just a game of pursuit and conquer. Once you win the prize, you have to cherish it. Not simply savor the victory of gaining possession over another person's feelings; just because you could."
Now you claim you're not that sensitive. Then why did you get yourself into a romantic-relationship which requires everything you say you're not??? Was it just for the sex? It's becoming more clear that's what it must have been about from the start.
If you are sincere about any of this. Here are some suggestions. Take her out for romantic dinners. Find a beautiful romantic spot that overlooks the city and just make-out. Take long-walks, and go for drives in the country on weekends. Find a luxury hotel, and spend a night!
If you can't find it within yourself to be "sensitive." Let her go and stop wasting her time. All these posts mean is you want to figure-out a way to wiggle out of this; and you're trying not to look like a jerk.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe situation took a bit of an interesting twist yesterday.
Basically what happened was on Saturday, one of my friends asked me if I wanted to hang out which I agreed to. I had been with the same friends on Friday evening. My GF asked if we were doing anything on Saturday night and I told her if she wanted to make plans with her friends then go ahead because I may be hanging out with mine so I didn't want her to wait around until I had established whether I was doing something with them or not so she said okay. I added that if we didn't hang out tonight then we would do on Sunday instead.
The plans with my friends fell through and I just ended up staying in on my own. My GF went out and she hadnt replied to the last message I sent to her all day until about 2am saying she had been speaking to some of my friends.
I replied the next day and she made a comment that made me realise she was annoyed. She made a comment on my priorities so I asked what was wrong and she came out with a big explanation saying she feels like I don't appreciate her and that she thinks I don't care about her, that I see her as a friend and we don't do bf/gf kind of things (all the sensitive stuff like kissing and cuddling).
I had no idea that she felt this way as it is early days and I felt like things were going okay. I guess I'm not very exerienced on picking up on things like that. So in my defence I apologised for making her feel that way, said I am not a very emotional or sensitive person and I find it hard to act like that. That it's not just her I am like that with but also my family, basically anyone close to me excluding my friends I find it hard to open up to and let things out.
We talked about it and she said if she didn't like me as much as she did she would of already ended things.
So now I hAve a completely different question to add, in how the hell do I fix things? I am hopeless at being sensitive and don't even know where to begin. I thought I was doing an okay job but obviously not. She said we don't do much, but we have 2 holidays planned and I try to suggest doing things often as I also don't like to sit around doing nothing so I was a little surprised. The whole thing in general came a a shock but I obviously want to work on things and make her happy. I just don't know how, I need to learn fast but also work on making myself more open so I can give her the sensitive kind of things that she needs but I know that wont be an overnight thing, I just need help as to what kind of stuff I can do to sort that aspect out for me.
Thanks in advance
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2018): You're going to continue feeling that twinge of doubt now and then. It comes and goes. You'll look around you and it will look like everybody else is partying and having a good-time; while you're stuck in a relationship, and dragging a ball and chain.
That's because we males have a few bad perceptions about commitment. That it's restrictive and too demanding. That all depends on the person you're with, your level of maturity, and how you feel about her.
As others have said, even married people feel "Oh my God, sex with the same person forever!" Imagine what's going through their mind at the alter! Love soothes away a lot of your phobia and she'll grow on you.
Now realistically, you'll still feel you wish you were single from time to time. Especially when she gets on your nerves. That's normal too. It's just a hick-up, all relationships get them. Your first instinct is to bail-out. Only one thing, it won't be so easy. Once your heart is fully attached and you've bonded; you'll find that hard to do. You won't be able to imagine yourself without her. Temptation will rise but you won't feel so quick to give-in to it. You'll see!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys, I will start to appreciate what I have more. I think at my age it's time to start focusing on a future with someone rather than trying to run around acting like a horny teenager.
I know I would regret it if I gave in to these feelings and need to learn that there's always going to be temptations out there but it's how I deal with them that's the important thing.
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A
male
reader, Roboaxe  +, writes (24 March 2018):
 You're 26 and you just got your first girlfriend.
Of course you're going to feel like the grass is greener on the other side, you haven't even stepped on other lawns.
But here is the important part. Don't let those thoughts cloud your feelings for her.
If you think she is beautiful, that she is great, if you get along well together, if you are happy with her, go for it. Don't think about all the women you've never been with, think about the amazing woman you're currently with - that's all that matters.
Trust me man, don't go looking for variety for the sake of variety. And good on you for not cheating on her.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (22 March 2018):
All this pressure is all of your own making as you know. I think it could be two fold. You might feel disempowered- like the relationship train is running away without you driving it. That's never the case. Although you are a team of two, ending the team is always unilateral. You can do it at any time on your own and for any reason. She might be the greatest woman alive on paper, but you still have to feel it.
It might be that having got control of you finances that the expectations of coupledom-holidays, dates and mini breaks makes you feel like your financial control is being stripped away. That's valid and you can make clear to your partner what your financial priorities are so that you can find a middle ground. But committing to someone in the long-ran does involve sacrificing some of your material autonomy. But mostly a pooling of resources makes things easier. If one partner resents financially carrying another that's a recipe for disaster.
Finally Anonymous123s point is excellent. Even when married there is very little you can't do except seek intimacy with someone else. You can go on holiday on your own, if you want- normally being married to someone means you'd rather go with them but each to their own. The point is that You get to choose if you want to make that sacrifice and you will know if its the right choice. It's simple enough- commit to them for their commitment in turn. It's your decision and if you take ownership of the decision- that you accept this limitation for that benefit you'll feel less trapped and more liberated. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's exactly it.
When in reality I know there's nothing I'm unable to do now I'm in a relationship and I just need to get into that way of thinking before I sabotage what I have.
I think it's just going to take a little getting used to as this is all still so new to me.
Thanks again for your advice, it was nice to hear from someone who managed to get out of this mindset.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 March 2018):
 I understand you so well OP!!
There were times I felt claustrophobic even after marriage because I could relate to every feeling of yours! I too felt "trapped", so to speak. Trapped in a life that I hadn't signed up for. I felt that I couldn't just get up and take off on a holiday alone, I felt that I wasn't a free bird any longer, that I couldn't do so many things that I wanted. And once when I was lamenting as always, my husband finally asked me, what exactly was it that I couldn't do now that I could do before? It's not like I was packing my bags and taking off on holidays alone before I got married. It's not like I was doing *anything* before that I couldn't do now. Why then did I have this feeling of entrapment?
And the answer was simple. It was all in my mind. I had conditioned myself to think that marriage and commitment are scary and I was just repeating this to myself over and over again.
Since then, I have had a much better time accepting married life and now I can't think of a life beyond my husband. He's my partner, my best friend and I don't know how I could ever think that I was scared of a life with this wonderful man next to me.
Take your time OP, get to know this girl better and don't let your preconceived notions get the better of you. Remember, no one is trapping you other than your own thoughts.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (21 March 2018):
I understand you so well OP!!
There were times I felt claustrophobic even after marriage because I could relate to every feeling of yours! I too felt "trapped", so to speak. Trapped in a life that I hadn't signed up for. I felt that I couldn't just get up and take off on a holiday alone, I felt that I wasn't a free bird any longer, that I couldn't do so many things that I wanted. And once when I was lamenting as always, my husband finally asked me, what exactly was it that I couldn't do now that I could do before? It's not like I was packing my bags and taking off on holidays alone before I got married. It's not like I was doing *anything* before that I couldn't do now. Why then did I have this feeling of entrapment?
And the answer was simple. It was all in my mind. I had conditioned myself to think that marriage and commitment are scary and I was just repeating this to myself over and over again.
Since then, I have had a much better time accepting married life and now I can't think of a life beyond my husband. He's my partner, my best friend and I don't know how I could ever think that I was scared of a life with this wonderful man next to me.
Take your time OP, get to know this girl better and don't let your preconceived notions get the better of you. Remember, no one is trapping you other than your own thoughts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for those answers.
I'm glad to hear that people see these feelings as being normal. Anonymous you are spot on and I couldn't agree more with what you posted. I have been afraid of commitment since I was a teen, I ran from it at the first sign of females developing feelings for me.
This is whats bugging me as I felt I went through that change from acting like a kid into adulthood. I realised I'm no spring chicken anymore and did things whilst younger like rack up a considerable amount of debt for holidays and other things which I have recently cleared in efforts to grow up and look to the future of buying a house and more.
I felt ready to ask her into a relationship, there's only ever been one girl in my life that I have asked before her, although that didn't work out, so to me it felt like a huge milestone.
To answer your other question, yes, I could see myself marrying her. Although it's only early in the relationship I wouldn't of gotten together if I didn't see a future which is why I need to kill these thoughts.
We are going on holiday together in 2 weeks so I hope that helps me to move past all this. Thanks again for your answers, I feel much more positive about the situation.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 March 2018):
 Did you ask her to marry you? If not, then why do you think shes the only girl you will sleep with for the rest of your life? You are not trapped, you are free to break up with her any time you want.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (21 March 2018):
You sound like you're commitment phobic. You want the fun, the thrill of the chase, the good parts without the strings attached. I was a lot like you and my husband almost had to pin me down to marry me! But you know what, marriage was the best decision in retrospect because really, how long can you go just dating and having fun and then coming back to a life where you're all alone? How long can you run from yourself and others just because you don't want to be "tied down"? In the end, we're all growing old, every day, every minute. Sure everything's fine when you're young... You're having sex, you're making money, you're living the dream life... But for how long? Sooner or later you have to take charge, man up, take responsibility for yourself.
The girl you're dating is great and if you don't want to be with her then someone else will. It's absolutely normal to get cold feet but it's time you start getting responsible. Be prepared that marriage is hard... It's bloody difficult at times and having a baby is even harder. But you know what, it's so worth it when you do it with the person you love. Do you love this girl? Do you see yourself having a future with her? If yes then go for it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2018): You fear the responsibility of commitment. Being free to sleep with other women is more on your mind; then caring for the lovely young woman you pursued and pressured into a relationship.
Control your ego, hormones, and sexual-impulses; you deserve only one woman at a time.
Get your head out of your pants and man-up to your responsibility. You're in a relationship! You're the man!
The uncertainty you described is quite natural; but it will come and go. Just focus on being a man, and a good boyfriend. It's not all about your dick.
There is more to being in a relationship than "ownership" and somebody to sleep with when you want to. It's fidelity, caring for each other, being supportive; and being appreciative of the fact someone has risked their heart to trust you. Someone genuinely cares about you! She has feelings! She trustingly handed them over to you. I know, it's scary! That's good, you should sense how serious it is.
You will be tempted by other women, get scared, want to escape and run, and sometimes you will feel trapped. You will also get bored with sex with the same person. You have to learn something about monogamy. Anybody can be a squealing-pig or a leg-humping dog! Not many can live-up to being a real-man; and hold-up his end in a relationship.
Maturity will iron-out all the antsy-feelings; which are a normal and natural part of manhood. It's a challenge to keep things going and balanced. To make a commitment, and actually stick to it.
It's easy to be selfish, and tough to put someone else's feelings before you own. Here's your chance to be a good man. Think above the waist. You'll calm-down, and all should be fine. It's okay to feel doubt, we all do. The uncertainty will come and go. Then less and less, with time.
It's ll new to you, and you'll have second-thoughts; if you're ready or good enough.
You have to learn how to be loved, and to love someone back!
It's not just a game of pursuit and conquer. Once you win the prize, you have to cherish it. Not simply savor the victory of gaining possession over another person's feelings; just because you could.
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