A
male
age
41-50,
*ormented Soul
writes:Can anyone help this Tormented Soul. I feel I'm in a tailspin and fear for my sanity. I'm 46, married in an unfulfilling marriage without children and my great hope of being re-united with my 'first love' came to a painful and humiliating end when she chose another whilst stringing me along. I feel, lonely, empty with nothing to live for. My wife and I rattle around a big house but for what? We've become platonic, virtually living separate lives and I'm feeling so worthless and cannot see a way out as financially any split would ruin me. My circle of friends have dwindled as I work shifts and I crave company and love. I just feel life has finished for me. Has anyone got any advice? - please! Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, q1605  +, writes (11 March 2008):
 maybe you should leave your wife live by yourself and get reacquainted with you. Maybe if you had made more of a commitment to your first love earlier than she may have reciprocated. Maybe if you get out on your own the other guy will lose his appeal. Don't forget that while she was seeing a guy "on the side" you went home to your wife every night
A
male
reader, Tormented Soul +, writes (11 March 2008):
Tormented Soul is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Anonymous, I DID say to my 'first love' that I was ready to upsticks and leave my wife and we'd live together, that's when I found out about the other bloke!
I do appreciate your comments and time taken to reply though.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): Im so sorry to hear what you're going through but the truth is that you CAN afford to move and you can afford to downsize, you are simply choosing not to.It's really, really simple. You either stay as you are or change things.I'm not surprised the relationship with your first love came to nothing, how could it have done if you are unwilling to leave your wife?Divorce as a result of infidelity on your part would have cost you more than a mutual parting will do.Go for it, be a man!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): You poor thing, first you need to get some outside intrests going, it's going to be hard because you are at a low point in your life, but joining a local gym or club of some sorts will really help., but it is not getting to the root of the problem its just going to help deal with it at the moment.If you really dont love this woman and you are just in it to keep a roof over your head then bleave me it's not worth it, sell the house, move into a flat, start a new life.you will be saying the same thing in ten years if you don't.
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A
female
reader, VeronicaSkye  +, writes (10 March 2008):
Perhaps we need a few more details about your situation in order to give advice? Are you unhappy with life or just with your marriage? If you are just unhappy in general then you are the only one who can fix that & it is not your wife's fault, nor will leaving her solve all your problems. And what exactly do you mean by "financial ruin"? Money can't bring happiness & if getting a divorce would make you happy then it's worth the cost. If your wife wants a divorce too then you can work together to make it as easy & stress-free as possible, with less financial problems. I definitely recommend some counselling regardless of what you decide to do - if your wife won't go with you, you can always go by yourself. There are resources to help with the cost if you can't afford it. If neither of you are happy with your sex life, nor interested in working on that together, but you want to stay together you could also consider the possibilty of having a somewhat "open" marriage, like a "don't ask/don't tell" situation, where you are can have sex or spend time with other people. It is halpful to set rules (whether said or unsaid), such as: as long as it's: a)not hurting anyone, b)SAFE (use condoms at all times), c)not in public, d)not with anyone you both know, & e)the other woman is not expectin a relationship or getting hurt. I know I will probably get lots of criticism for even suggesting this, but such things have actually saved a LOT of marriages & made them livable, (as has men seeing escorts etc.) For now I recommend that you get some hobbies/interests & make some new friends or spend time with some old ones, so that your marriage is not your whole life, & you have other things that make you happy.
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (10 March 2008):
I think your turmoil is generated from within because none of the reasons you cite as prompting your angst is sufficient in quantity or quality to be having such an existential crisis as what you are having. Maybe you are clinically depressed and something to give your brain chemistry a kick in the ass is in order. As far as the situational side of the equation your life sounds like something a good portion of society would like to have a piece of. I hate pissing contests but since 1999 I've been through two divorces two houses, luckily no kids but the second marriage had two step daughters I love very much. Any number of bank accounts, retirement, savings. I now live at my glass shop and sleep on the cutting table. The IRS took a turn at me as well as the state of texas' comptroller for sales tax. I was OK but if they say you are in arrears you are until you prove different. Employees have come and gone but my last full time office girl embezzled how much I'll never know for sure. Anywhere from 1500 to 15,000 dollars. I was working a high rise out of town for about 6 months and in addition to funneling every dime she could in her pocket she would take small jobs and use my trucks, my materials, my infrastructure, (phones advertising) and her and my subs would split as much as they could without drawing attention. Some of the guys would supposedly be working their tickets and them come in and every service order would have some reason why it couldn't be done, or measured or bid. Of course later long after you fire them you find out that they were at their house smoking pot and drinking beer. If a live to be a 100 years old I will never be able to retire. Did I mention while all this hub bub was going on I supported myself with credit cards. The business supported itself but not me, not to mention that wife #1 ran up her credit cards and fobbed them off in the divorce.(Check the balances before you accept responsibility in the divorce) If anyone looks for my smart ass comments they would notice an absence this week end for I pretty well worked straight through to drag a check from putting mirrors in a fitness center so I will start the week with a bank balance more than 100 dollars, which is all that is between me and living on the street. And all in all I'm pretty well OK with things. My second wife is now pretty much my best friend. She lets me clean up there and sometimes eat dinner. I get to treat her girls like they are still step daughters. My mother is still alive and I get to look in on her occasionally. She still drives and takes care of herself. In fact she is so full of life that she's somewhat of an inspiration. I go out to eat with my ex and her girls and go with them to the movies. I've gotten shed of almost all of the folks that I used to call my friends and good riddance to most. It's not limiting to whittle these people out of your life it's liberating. What few people remain from my old way of life are the ones who were my true friends and that's what I would rather have. My ex has me underfoot for no reason other than she likes me and likes my company. It damn sure ain't for money and good looks will carry you only so far. In fact in some ways I've never been happier. No in all ways I am happier. Give me one true friend and I will take it over 100 good time party people any day. Do I win the pissing contest yet? Every day above ground is a good one. I don't plan on checking out any time soon at least not by my own hand because I figure no matter how long I DO manage to live I will be dead longer. And if god will smite me on the morrow by whatever he deems is my just rewards I would hate to think I spent my last day fretting over things I cannot change or if I can only by small degrees. And letting this distort even the most pedestrian of plans with my circle of friends and family would truly be a sin. And while I am giving you the kitchen sink let me add that my father committed suicide when I was 15, so I am familiar with desperate acts and dark days both for myself and witnessing them in others. Which also makes me genetically predisposed to depression as well as conditioned to romanticize desperate acts . So make do with what you have. You say you and your wife are platonic. At least you aren't exchanging gunfire. Getting reacquainted with your first love left you humiliated and came to a painful ending? Is this different from your first go round with her. I'm not saying you shouldn't have hooked up with her but its a variable that you can't control. You can't change, force, argue , beg, plead, or pretty please with a cherry on top, anybody to do anything that they don't want to. You can change yourself. Or change how you view your world. Accentuate the positive. Eliminate the negative. See a therapist and/or get medication until you aren't taking such a myopic view of life. Do you know how many psychiatrists it takes to change a light bulb? Only one but the bulb has to want to change
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 March 2008):
 Focus on God and He will lift your burdens from you.He will make you see the truth.
When you are on your bended knees and no one can help you ,call to Him.
He can give you the peace in your heart.
I pray for your tormented soul.
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A
male
reader, Tormented Soul +, writes (10 March 2008):
Tormented Soul is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sorry, I phrased my question really poorly, simply because I'm in such a mess. Thank you to all those who've kindly replied, my stiff upper lip has done nothing but quiver of late to be honest. The financial side is things is just part of the issue. I live in one of the most expensive area's of the UK and I could not afford the rent let alone another mortgage within commuting distance of work. My wife seems either unable to talk about issues or implies there isn't a problem. It sounds like classic Mid Life Crisis stuff. I suppose I fear moving on because I have such low self esteem and lack of confidence in myself - I just feel a failure. I'm rambling now, but it's so difficult putting my feelings and emotions into words. Sorry...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (10 March 2008):
 Have you tried any outside help with the marriage? Or have both of you just given up? Who knows, your wife might be as unhappy as you with the state of things. It just might take one of you to reach out across this divide to start a new honeymoon period. You married her for a reason, right? What was it? Isn't the way you felt when you met & married her enough of a reason to try?
Sorry, those were lots of questions, rather than answers, but I'm trying to understand why you wouldn't try to fix things with your wife, that is if she's willing...
All the best, and good luck with your decisions.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM + ♥, writes (10 March 2008):
 You are in Great Britain, I'm an American citizen of the U.S.A., but allow my comparison here. After a 20-year-marriage my wife left me over trivial matters about 12 years ago. She even called up after six months to say it was the biggest mistake of her life, but you know, too much had happened.
I've suffered through years of loneliness, loss of my home of more than 20 years, lots of doubt, depression, near financial ruin and even my dogs died. Gradually, and a little at a time, I redirected my career, pulled myself up by the boot straps, and feel almost on track at the age of 60. Possibly not much more living ahead, given years of smoking, a bit too much drinking lately and general age, but one must do the best with it.
We all feel tormented at times. The British are regaled for that "stiff upper lip," we hear, and can suffer through the greatest difficulties.
Stiffen up man, you must move on at your relatively young age. Even a Texas bloke can do it. I've had several girlfriends lately, great sex and a new beginning in life at my advanced age. Just be optimistic about your time on the planet no matter the set backs and odds. Best wishes from Texas.
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A
female
reader, AskEve + ♥, writes (10 March 2008):
 Hey I bet your wife's not too happy either! Have you ever actually sat down and spoken with her about splitting up? You might be surprised, she might be feeling exactly the same way. If she is then you can possibly sort out a financial settlement amicably.
Failing that, if you KNOW you don't love her any more then get out of the marriage! Okay, so she might take half the spoils. Would you rather live with "all your money" and no love or soul mate to boot??? You live in a "big" house, so what! It's only bricks and mortar, you can get another one. Better to have a smaller house filled with love than a big lavish house that's empty of love. You need to get your priorities right (in my opinion). Money isn't everything, you can make it again but at least you'll have the freedom and peace of mind to come and do as you please.
Feel free to Email me if you want to discuss this some more in private.
~Eve~
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