A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey there,My amazing boyfriend of almost one year has me slightly confused and saddened due to an incident that occurred last night and I would love your honest opinions...last night during sex I noticed that he was losing his erection. During the course of our relationship, I have found that this occurs about once per month and most always when he has been consuming alcohol. We have never talked about the issue...I have found that once it occurs, he acts as if he finished...I haven't mentioned it even though I probably should. Anyway, last night this occurred and we stopped having sex and I turned over, somewhat humiliated and truthfully feeling undesirable. I heard him stroking his penis, I am assuming to recapture his erection. A moment later he gets his phone, goes into the bathroom and I hear him typing. At this point I am fuming and assuming that he is in the bathroom at 1am texting someone. So I knock on the door, he answers and I take his phone from him. He doesn't at all resist. I look at his messages and, nothing. So I go into Safari and there is a porn movie going...I toss him the phone in disbelief and ask him why he would stop having sex with me just to look at porn. He stated that his email notification went off and that it was a spam email that had just pulled up. Honestly I don't believe this and I am just feeling completely undesirable. Aside from this, we have an amazingly active sex life and have incredible passion and chemistry between the two of us. He treats me like an absolute queen and showers me with love, affection, attention, gifts, everything. But this incident has really gotten to me. He also has had a wandering eye since the day we met and has occasionally flirted with other women when we are out together, by calling them "princess" or "babe" which of course are names he calls me. Sigh. I'm feeling insecure, honestly, and I would appreciate some intelligent insight. We are always together and truly are best friends, but these issues I worry may be a red flag. Thank you in advance.
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best friend, erection, flirt, insecure, porn, sex life, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone!! I really appreciate it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2016): i love wise owls account that penis is an organ women will never understand!
How true!
And of course the thing dies with too much alcohol!
In a way you could subztitute it for a breathe test!
"Well, yes officer i have not been drinking..my penis is just having a bad day!"
"Proove it!..make that penis walk in a straight line!
We can assist you with porn in the back of the van..but if you dont get an erection..you will be under arrest for a penile malfunction..I mean man function!"
Sometimes the spirit is willing but the flesh cannot rise to the occasion as required, as far as i know!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (11 August 2016):
 Blimey! Am I reading this right? YOU felt humiliated? How do you think HE felt?Give the guy a break. If half of what you write is true, he treats you amazingly. Here's an idea: stop being so needy and lay off the sex when alcohol has been consumed. Leave it till the morning after. That way your amazing guy might stand a chance of performing to your satisfaction.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 August 2016):
 Doesn't sound that amazing to me. True, you can't expect a boyfriend to be always turned on by you and no one else, and that a penis is some mechanical device on call by you. This guy you described sounds like he relies on outside sources to relieve stress and to feel good. Want some female approval and attention? Flirt with them. Stressed out? Alcohol. Need imagery to get off? Porn. Then the cycle goes on and on. He knows how where to get his resources when they get low but at the same time, such helpless and high maintenance being. Sooner or later it would be Viagra.
It's not that uncommon for both sexes to go to some place else than their partners. Makes me wonder why even create relationships at the first place. After a while a relationship becomes a chore to maintain. It shatters the fantasy that only you are enough. How you are as best friends does not necessarily translate to how you fare in bed.
Well, you can tell him you "appreciate" his effort to get hard again but you have to caution him that porn can get addictive and it only trains him to be turned on by variety, which in default, us humans are wired that way but that does nothing to create connection between you two.
It will also help that you realize people get into a slump. Instead of taking it personally, you just say, "oh well, another time then just cuddle and relax." I am sure he watched porn not because you are not attractive enough. He was worried that you would leave him because you are not satisfied. He quickly went into the bathroom to make sure his manhood is still working, after panicking about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you!! Thank you so so much!! I truly value both of your intelligent and detailed responses. You have both altered my paradigm regarding tho matter and that has given me peace. Thank you for your honesty.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (11 August 2016):
 Sounds to me like he was trying to get hard in the bathroom too, just needed some inspiration, to return to you. Really, you don't know if that wasn't the plan. If it was, to me that says he was invested in having sex with you longer. It wouldn't be healthy or fair to you to expect him to only fantasize about you to get himself there.
If it was not the plan to return to you, that..well I guess that is a little different. But the thing is you're never going to know (unless he confesses he just needed to jerk off and be done with the night). I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 August 2016):
 Alcohol is a depressant, and it causes the loss of erection on more than one occasion. It wasn't you.
He is a porn user. I wouldn't say that it's over-extensive because he's usually perfectly fine having sex with you, and it takes a booze-soaking to weaken it.
He did what he did for two reasons:
1. Your reaction. I guarantee you that whatever humiliation you felt at this happening, he felt it 1000x more, and you might have just set off a chain reaction and triggered the horrible shame spiral, which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. His penis fails, then you get upset, then he tries to harden it, you get angrier, and the next time, he'll be that much more anxious, which has a depressant effect.
2. His sexual relief free of anxiety. He was mortified over what happens, but still also sexually frustrated. You both shut down, but he still had something to prove as well as the biological need to release. That's why he did what he did.
You cannot take this and MUST not take this as a slight against you, because that's the worst thing that can happen. That's the equivalent of his pointing out small breasts or an undesirable weight fluctuation. Guys are also extremely self-conscious, and you could only focus on your own self-consciousness.
Every guy you ever date will have an episode of erectile dysfunction, especially if he drinks on occasion. You need to snap out of drawing attention to it, and you need to do it fast. Talk about it the next day, and tell him that you have needs as well. Just because he's not fully joined doesn't mean he can't see to your needs, and sometimes, in meeting them, Little Willy finds it in him to salute again.
If it starts happening often, or he can no longer have an orgasm with you and it becomes a pattern, that's when you need to be concerned about a porn addiction. Just the once with alcohol, and it's because of the alcohol.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2016): Women will never completely understand male sexuality or how we think. There are going to be a lot of females who will just assume he's some kind of asshat; and just among the stereotypical low-life porn-loving no-good men.
Men sometimes need variety when it comes to sex. Unfortunately, there is porn which gives them an outlet without the guilt of cheating. Well, it does distract from your normal sex-life; but I want to scream my head off if one more woman blames herself for not be attractive enough.
Here's a dose of reality. You will never, nor will any other living breathing female, be the only female that attracts her heterosexual male-partner. He has eyes, he will notice other attractive women. Penises are organs, not mechanical appendages that perform the same way, each and every time. No more than women have orgasms each and every single time they have sex. Which must mean they either don't find men attractive enough, or they don't like sex.
Is that a ridiculous generalization? Yes, it is!
He isn't going to confess what he was doing or why. Just so you can throw a hissy-fit. Which you did anyway.
I often read posts putting men down; even after describing the guy as treating the OP like a queen. Comes-off like someone may be spoiled and high-maintenance. Well, guys have to forgive women for a plethora of things that drive us crazy; or to an early grave. If a man is good to you, sometimes you have to be flexible. No, I'm not talking about blatant disrespectful flirting or cheating. Little things like playing with himself, when he doesn't feel like full-fledged sexual-intercourse before passing-out.
No one speaks-up for the guys; mainly because most posts are from women. He treats you good. You're blessed and fortunate. So many come here who are abused, violated, and tormented in countries where women have no rights. Some complaints are pale in comparison.
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