A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my bf for 7 months. So far all is fine just the normal ups and downs.I have a friend (girl) who I know for 10yrs. She used to study here and when she went back to her country, we kept in touch and regularly visit each other. I am due to be visiting her in a week.A few years ago I wondered about if I could be with someone like her. I have no lesion experience and not sure I would even enjoy sex with a woman. But the connection we have is amazing and often wished that guys I dated could connect in a similar way. I never thought of it future as neither of us are gay.A few days ago she told me how she often wondered about me and that I have always been at the back of her mind. She said no one has ever connected to her like me. This somewhat confused me as I have a bf and do not feel gay. But she mirrored some of my feelings over the years. I told my bf what she said and he just laughed it off saying I'm defo not gay as I love sex too much with a man (true). As the days passed I persisted and told him I'm feeling confused about if I may be gay. And I don't think men connect to my emotions. And he said we'll it would be funny if I left him for another woman but he can't see me moving to that country anyway (true. Even though its EU, I won't move there)So dunno what to do. In my mind I feel I can't promise I won't wanna kiss her if it happened. That said I may see her and feel completely platonic. My bf seems nonchalant so really don't know. I don't want to cancel my trip either as spent so much and I have other friends there I want to see too. Advice?? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 April 2015):
 Honesty is a good thing, but how would you feel if your boyfriend told you he wasn't sure how he felt about some other woman? You'd be devastated, because it translates to this: you're not enough for him, and he's still looking elsewhere.
Look, Im bisexual. I know what it means to be attracted to women as well. But I don't enter a relationship having lingering/curious feelings for someone else. That's simply not fair, EVEN if you are honest about it. Its not fair to him. He should be your one and only, and your post clearly states that he is NOT the only one on your mind.
I was in a relationship with a guy once, where I was allowed to have sex with women if I wanted to. It was one of the conditions I gave for entering a relationship with him. I was dead honest about each and every encounter I had with a woman. It hurt him. He had agreed up front that this was okay, it wasn't cheating, I wasn't lying, but I know it still hurt him. And I know it wasn't fair to him, because he did not want me to do these things, he just accepted it because he was so in love with me, he let me do it because he didn't want to lose me.
Don't do the same to your boyfriend, because honesty can hurt. And there is such a thing as too much honesty in a relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2015): 'not sure I would even enjoy sex with a woman''I never entertained the idea of being with her per se as I had no sexual interest in women''I still don't feel I want sec with a girl.'You do realise don't you that being gay involves wanting sex with women? That is what it means for you to be gay.You have a connection with your family, it doesn't mean you are incestuous. It just means you have a good connection with them based on years and years of memories similar values. You have a connection with her, it doesn't mean you want to sleep with her. You might have a female bromance. Cherish it for what it is and don't try to convolute it.That said, what does worry me is that you say 'In my mind I feel I can't promise I won't wanna kiss her if it happened.' These are words that should never come from anyone in a committed relationship. It's incredibly disrespectful and disloyal for you to visit someone you think you might have feelings for. I really wouldn't stand for it personally.Maybe you don't love each other or maybe you haven't reached THAT level of commitment yet where YOU KNOW WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT that what you have is magical and irreplaceable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2015): I AM THE ORIGINAL POSTER!!!Thanks for the replies but I think ppl misunderstood my post. Being gay is not an issue. My brother is gay and me/ my family/friends etc are accepting.For ppl saying I am cheating or should not tell me bf etc I actually believe in honesty. Hence I told him everything she said as soon as she said those things. I have not hid or lied to him...even about my confusion.The issue is more a moral choice. She is not a crush but more someone I thought I had a great connection with over our friendship. I never entertained the idea of being with her per se as I had no sexual interest in women. I have not been pining after her for years etc.But this is a tricky situation. I love my bf yes. But at the same time I feel a bit confused as I have the kind of emotional connection with her that I have never found with men. That said, I may see her in real life and realise it is merely platonic. And that maybe it is a normal female relationship where I just feel that in sync with her. It's not a normal case where it is someone I see often and can gauge what my feelings are telling me. So how can I break up with my bf of 7mths for someone I may or may not feel "something" romantic with? I have no idea as this is so sudden and I still don't feel I want sec with a girl.But at the same time what if I do get there and realise I do have feelings for her more than just a friend? Then that in itself is wrong and cheating. I have been as honest with my bf which I think it is the right thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2015): Whatever label you may or may not stick on yourself, you are in a committed relationship.
As such, it would be incredibly disloyal of you to get on a plane to spend time with your crush. In your boyfriend's shoes, I would encourage you to have fun if you go and to please not to ever contact me again.
It's now either your boyfriend or your friend. You don't get to have both. It's asking for trouble.
As for your sexual orientation; life is full of surprises. Just roll with the punches.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (23 April 2015):
Just because you like having sex with men doesn't mean you can't have romantic feelings for this particular woman. We're humans, not machines. It's not like you have a setting and once you've been set as straight you're always straight. Attractions swing and vary. Just because you like guys doesn't mean you like ALL guys, and just because you like this particular woman doesn't mean you are a lesbian.
I always thought it easier to think about this in percentages. Say you are 100% straight. You only like guys. Say you are 100% lesbian, you only like women. But most humans Ive encountered are somewhere closer to 80-20. Or even 70-30. When you reach into 70-30 or 60-40, that's when it becomes frequent enough to have feelings for both genders, so that many would call themselves bisexual. But many would also say they are straight, if they've only stuck to one gender and perhaps are afraid to explore. All which is fine, each to their own.
But what you need to understand is that you liking your friend does NOT mean you can't also like your boyfriend. As you yourself say, you like both. The confusion arrives when you believe you must choose between who you like. But the only choice you must make is whether you should be faithful or not. If you aren't sure you wouldn't want to kiss her, then I would say your dedication to your boyfriend isn't strong enough for you to be in a relationship with him. Perhaps you are with him just for the sex? You say you don't connect etc. So why not be single and explore and figure yourself out?
Btw do not discuss this further with your boyfriend. It is disrespectful to him to talk to him about whether or not you actually like him, and it's hurtful. Its not his job to figure out your sexual orientation. If you're so in doubt, then keep it to yourself until you have figured it out. You telling him you're not sure if you like men is the same as him telling you he's not sure he actually likes you, and perhaps just loves sex with you, but possibly is in love with another woman. Because that is what you're telling him, basically. So be a bit considerate and don't discuss this with him.
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