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I’m falling out of love, but can’t manage to walk away! Any advice?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Family, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 February 2019) 7 Answers - (Newest, 19 February 2019)
A male United States age 36-40, *amesdeann writes:

Hi everyone my name is James, i am currently in a 9 year relationship. For the last few years i felt like ive fallen out of love with my girlfriend. I am the only source of income in the relationship. Im very ambitious she is the complete opposite. I literally pay for everything. What makes it so hard to for me to walk away is because how her living standards would be without me. She also has a daughter which is an amazing kid i love her as if she was my own. It hurts me knowing that i would have to out of her daughters life too. Wondering how would there living standards would be without me. Bare in mind my girlfriend doesn’t have any support as well. I feel like i would be abandoing them if i was to break up with her. But i need to learn to love myself first...i feel like ive been lying to myself just to see everyone else happy ane content. You must wondering why i want to break up with her? Took me long enough to realize she’s not someone i want to start a family with or even see myself marrying. Basically we are both not compatible it just works out because im passive and i let one too many things slide because i allowed that behavior for way too long. Now i just want to be free and be at peace and live my life. Im 30 now and i dont want to wait til im 40 finally have it to in to walk away. Lifes too short but i just can’t bare with the outcome. Its sad because im willing to take care of her living situation for a whole year if we were to break up so in the mean time she get figure something out. I don’t even care if she moved on dated someone else. I would still honor it just because i want her daughter to be in good hands. Basically end of the day i love her and care for her but im just not in love with her anymore. I just want to live life enioy do things ive always wanted to do but i don’t have to the heart to tell her so i just put on a mask and i feel like im just lying to myself...i hope someone out there can relate thanks for hearing me out..

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A male reader, jamesdeann United States +, writes (19 February 2019):

jamesdeann is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you everyone for the taking the time to reply..i read each one and appreicate the time and effort you guys took to respond. Now im still sitting here comteplating how will i lay it out. I know what i need to do but its just easier said than done. But thank you everyone once again and god blessed you all.

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A female reader, MSA United States +, writes (18 February 2019):

MSA agony auntOne must be true to himself/herself at all times. If you don't feel the love for her, let her go. By continuing to be with her, you are not only harming yourself, but her and her daughter as well.

You can still be there and support her and her daughter even after you leave. After I had broken up with my ex, I supported both him and his sister for two years before I told them they need to be on their own. He rented a room from someone and his sister lived with me.

You can leave and let them have the place or get separate places which is more affordable for the both of you. You can still provide for her but ask that she also take on part time work to provide for some of her necessities. You can still be a friend to her daughter. But don't stay in the relationship just for the sake of staying and being there for her.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (18 February 2019):

So what you're saying is what many married-men often say here on DC; they stayed because of the kids.

You described yourself as a passive-guy. As you well-know, that's an invitation to be exploited; and usually guys like that get pushed around, or taken advantage of by women.

Your passivity has made the relationship a sugar-daddy situation for your girlfriend. With many complications. That includes your being the provider, stepfather, and the sole financial-support for a child not your own. Which kind of locks you into a very tricky situation. How do you separate from the mother without also dumping the kid? Especially a child who has known you as long as nine years of her life?

In her mind, you're her daddy.

I guess it's like divorce. The child learns to live with it. You can establish a trust fund; or negotiate arrangements for child-support. Visitation will be quite a mess. If the girl is a teenager, at 18 she'll visit whomever she pleases. Child-support doesn't have to be but for a couple of years. In the meantime, mom can make it pretty difficult for you. She gets to decide how the money is spent, and may not let you see the child at all.

Precarious as it is, your bond with the child isn't the problem. It's the symbiotic-relationship or dependency developed by her mother. She provided you with a simulated-family in exchange for financial-support. Now you want to cut the purse-springs after nine years. Seek legal-advice to see how you can work something out for the child.

You have to have a very serious talk with your girlfriend and lay it all out for her. It would be fair to give her time to find some form of employment. She knows; if you have a child, you have to find a way to feed, shelter, and support him or her. It's her moral/parental-responsibility. It can't be passed-off; unless you put the kid up for adoption.

You have to get this done in a fair and reasonable way; before frustration forces you to throw up your hands and just bail on them both. It seems convenient to stay unemployed; because she knows you're too conscientious to bail on the kid. You have to do what you gotta do!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2019):

Just one more thought I omitted to mention in my previous comment and that is, I have a feeling that you will be rushing back to her before the end of the temporary separation.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2019):

You say you are 30 now and you have been in a 9 yrs relationship with her. She has a daughter from a previous relationship. So I assume the daughter is 10 plus yrs old. Is the mother older than you? You must have loved her once if you have stayed with her this long. Just one advice, even with a new relationship you are bound to feel bored and trapped after so many yrs together especially when there is no marriage contract to bind you. My advice is to sit down and tell her how you feel and agree on a temporary separation where you move out and let them stay in your house. One good news is that the daughter is old enough to be left alone at home while she gets a job to support herself and the daughter. If you decide at the end to make a clean break.

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A female reader, singinbluebird United States +, writes (18 February 2019):

singinbluebird agony auntI'm sorry hear this. But you said exactly what you yourself need do. Break it off and move on. You are not responsible for anyone's happiness, not even hers. But i think you should have broken up with her much much earlier, because now she's completely relied on you financially, emotionally, mentally, and physically. This where you feel extreme guilt but suck it up sweetheart, break it off. Be clear as well and dont let her try guilt you to stay. You have this one life so live it. Be single for a while and learn what you like then dafe again in year, hang with friends, get into fitness, seek happiness. But first you have be adult and end thinfs with her with compassion but with firmness.

Offer help her move in with family or be there physically until shes set then burn bridges. She will be attached to leave, you will have to set all boundaries. This is hard. I wish all best

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (18 February 2019):

Honeypie agony auntI understand that you want to make sure you leave her and her daughter in the best "conditions" as possible but I think a whole years worth of finances is, well a bit much. It's kind but it will ONLY enable her to NOT even TRY to get on her feet, at least until that year is up.

Is this also the reason you never married her? 9 years together is a LONG time to "date" and not move it to marriage or really starting a bigger family.

Where do the two of you live now? Your place? If so, give her 30-60 days to find other living accommodations. Whether it be HUD housing/section 8 or whatever she can get without having a job. THAT will be on her, YOU in the meantime need to look into HOW to (if need be) evict her legally.

And I GET that you love her daughter as your own, and personally I would find a way to help HER once they move out with getting settled in her new life with her mom, but you CAN'T date a woman you no longer really want to be with, because you care for her kid.

If you DO want to take care OF them financially, make a budget and DO NOT just GIVE her money. It won't help her.

If she has had access to your bank account etc, you NEED to make sure she no longer can access it. Same for everything else.

Sit her down and explain how you feel and what needs to happen. Maybe she is also this passive in not getting a job etc. because she can't get motivated as YOU have taken care of her so long without having ANY expectations of her pitching in. So no more enabling her.

Get it done. Be kind. To her, her daughter and yourself.

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