A
male
age
36-40,
*jo84
writes:I'm a shorter guy, 5'6 and 1/2. I've always been subconsciously self-conscious about my height but it's never really bothere me too much as it's taught me to grow in other areas such as a good sense of humor, empathy, my creative side, and intellect. However, I have recently been obsessed with it since I met this girl I am falling faster for than anyone I ever have before. She's about an inch taller than me, not a huge difference, but enough to notice. She doesn't seem to mind that I am shorter but more than I've ever, my height is bothering me to a degree that brings me stress levels and I am obessessing about it.I believe this to be the case for two reasons: first of all I have a fear that once the initial passion of this new relationship leaves, she will see my 'shortcomings' and move on to someone taller/more physically the standard. It's an irrational fear, yes, because I know she is a good person and the point of life is letting go of the things you cannot control. However, I'm having an extremely difficult time shaking this notion. 2) I am not myself. The height issue is something that goes against my deepest convictions. I hate the fact that I am practically having panic attacks over something so superficial and trivial! I desperately want to rid myself of these illusions because I know that insecurity, more than my height, would ruin the relationship. I know that if I had more self esteem and self confidence, I wouldn't think twice about any of this and thus never force her to either. The internal abrassiveness is really bothering me. I know it's not right and yet feel too weak to stop it. So how do I move forward? Should I tell her about my insecurity? Elaborating further to tell her that I'm working on it? She already knows I'm seeing a therapist to get a grip on my absent self esteem(but she does not know much of it is related to this height thing). Truth is, I'd rather not ruin from it yet despite my consistent agont and self disgust- I want to try and embrace it. I'm smart enough to know that if I can embrace it, I will be a better and stronger person in the end. I also consider honesty to always be the best policy. So I'm torn on this: Should I just try to deal with this on my own and not bring it up to her? As I am a supporter of exposure philosophy, meaning that the more time that passes the more and more I will come to accept my being shorter than her and the less it will bother me. We've only been dating for a few months but we're both very much into one another. She treats me very kindly and I do know that I have a great ability to make her laugh and treat her as kindly as she treats me. Anyway, I feel very very strongly about her. Lastly, should I spare her of my baggage and check out before it's 'too late'? I'm an empathetic person and the last thing I want to do is carry on in this relationship only to decide further down the road that this is always going to bother me and can't do anymore. Not only would I not be able to handle the constant insecurity and anxiety it causes but it is DEFINITELY not something I would want to put her through either. When I say this I mean, I don't want to feel jealous or controlling if she's talking to a guy that is taller. I'm not going to be 'that guy'. This girl is a beautiful person and I don't want to mess with that. I'd rather bask in my self loathing than be anything than what she deserves. I'm really starting to hate myself over all of this. I'm betraying myself and potentially sabotaging a very good thing. Besides this being totally cyclic and nuerotic, what say you folks? Advice?*You should also know that I dated a girl of similar height back in high school and the only time it bothered me was when she was in heels. Since then, I've only dated women my height or shorter. Somewhere in between, probably due to the fact that I was laid off 3 times in the last year, I lost my self-confidence and self-esteem. I also have a history of battling depression and anxiety disorders based on some things I went through in childhood(verbal abuse and an unstable household). I'm 25 years old.
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confidence, jealous, move on, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): Hi,
I was the anonymous poster, and you asked what I meant about "everyone has their limits."
I'm just saying, VERY practically speaking, because I don't want to bring you down, but you already know that confidence is the key and that you shouldn't put yourself down.
And if this is the right girl for you, then she'll be there for you, and you should be able to talk to her about anything.
However, having said that, what I meant was that... Well let me put it this way, if you were with someone and they were preoccupied with a "flaw" which you didn't think was a flaw at all, to the point where it became an obsession and that person talked about it all the time --well I mean some people would get tired of that and move on.
This is the just flip side of all of this, and I'm only telling you this hoping that you don't obsess to this point. It's definitely not worth it to obsess to this point since you don't have a flaw in your height to begin with.
I hope that made sense... BUT don't sweat it, don't put too much weight on this, seriously (though I did want to clarify).
What everyone has been saying is true, it's really not a big deal (as you seem to know, but you aren't internalizing), so don't sabotage your relationship with this!
Good luck, don't define yourself by your height! :) (Seriously, check out that book, the dude is 3 feet tall!)
A
male
reader, bjo84 +, writes (9 November 2010):
bjo84 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again guys. KeeThe last poster makes a good point that I've mulled over time and time again. Society does put norms on these sorts of things. I really want to beat this and get over it. For the same reasons women have horrible expectations to be skinny or have large breasts, I have this expectation to be bigger and taller than my significant others. But It's not like she overpowers me. Sure, I'm a leaner build because of running, working out, and a decent diet; I've got the six pack and all that bullsh*t. It doesn't really matter to me though, it's just the way I'm built. I'm actually trying to put on some weight but it's difficult(metabolism?). She is well built herself and I honestly like that, especially in her legs. I'd say she is only 5-10 lbs lighter without being as strong(obviously).
Sometimes this height thing is all I think about and I wonder if I can go through with it. Then there are moments, however fleeting, when I say f*ck this and feel a bit invigorated, because as you said, I am more than just my height.
Thanks again everybody, keep it coming if anybody else has something to say.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): It is okay to feel the way you do. The society in which we live plays a significant role in the development of insecure feelings men and women have. Men are taller than women on tv, in magazines and in real life it seems most men would rather not date a woman taller than they are. There are even some women who swear not to date a man not as tall as she is. The girl you are dating is special. She isn't one of those narrow minded women. That's a plus. Here's another truth. You are worth more than your height. The trick is believing it. It isn't easy but once you do, your height won't bother you again. You may even discover that you like taller women. Another thing is women and men notice couples and try to figure out why she's with him or why he's with her. When they notice something uncommon such as the man's shorter or the girl is a little on the fat side they start to wonder how the couple got together. For the on-lookers it's something contrary to what they've grown to believe. And some actually wish they could be as open to dating people beyond what is considered to be the norm. So you've actually got something special with this girl. Don't tell the girl about your insecurity yet. Since you just met her, you don't want to be saying too much. Just continue being funny and cool. Avoid any type of situations that might put her on the spot. Even if you don't agree with her just play it cool and divert to another subject.Buddy, you are in good shape. Just remember that you are worth more than your height.Challenge for you: Once you get comfortable with her, encourage her to wear heels. People will be wondering what she sees in you.
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A
male
reader, bjo84 +, writes (8 November 2010):
bjo84 is verified as being by the original poster of the question"And, to be honest, if you do talk to her about this, understand that everyone has their limits." When you say this, what do you mean specifically?
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A
male
reader, bjo84 +, writes (8 November 2010):
bjo84 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everybody. I loath myself for thinking so superficially. I know that all of you are correct in your assessments. What bothers me more than 'the inch' is the fact that it actually bothers me at all. You know? It's not the right way of thinking, especially when I've considered myself in touch with values that actually matter most. I'm hoping I can just get used to it and grow up. Yet this is all I think about. It's consuming me, no joke. And it's absurd! I know everything that I should and shouldn't be thining and yet feel too weak to stop it... like an emotional child. She's a golden soul and I don't want to be 'that guy' with all the insecurities. If were all of you, I'd be giving myself the exact same advice! That's what kills me and is also how I know really care about this girl. This advice, both critical and supportive is very helpful. Thank you all so much and keep it coming if you can. So you really think I should bring this issue up to her? I need to know who I am and how best to solve this problem of mine for the both of us. Thank you all.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (8 November 2010):
 Do not let this such a lovely relationship fall apart because of a single inch. If you need to, I suggest you tell her so she can assure you that she does not care about your height at all. Perhaps then you will have a boost in self-confidence knowing that others do not really notice, but then again, why should they? What is so wrong with being a mere inch different in height? Will it truly stop you from kissing each other? Does it affect you when you hold her? No. If you can, force those critical thoughts out by distracting yourself. Love yourself because you can make her laugh and smile, love yourself because she may very well love you deeply for being you. Love yourself because you are intelligent and love yourself because you can be empathetic which is more than what most people can be nowadays. Whatever happens, you know that you always measure up in more ways than most people, this relationship can be one of those rare ones that last a lifetime.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): I know this is a difficult subject for you. And you seem to be very aware that this is a problem since you are seeking help for it. I mention this only because you are already ahead of the guys out there that have a chip on their shoulders because of this "problem," since you're acknowledging it and working on it.
I put "problem" in quotation marks because it's really not that big a deal, which again, I know you realize to some extent, though it's still bothering you more than it should. I like that you understand that this is an issue you have to overcome. You really do need to love yourself completely, regardless of whatever you see it as a shortcoming (and again, you seem to be aware of this). I don't know what else I can tell you in this regard, besides to continue to get professional help. (I also recommmend a book, if you believe in this type of help, it's called "Get Off Your But" by Sean Stephenson. At least read the summary for this book, I think it will help you a lot).
Now to your question. Ideally, the person you love and want to be with will be the type of person you can talk to about anything, and will listen and try to understand you as you are. If you want to talk to her about this, then by all means do so.
However, before you do, I wish you could realize that height really isn't a big deal to some of us (I can't speak for all). And, to be honest, if you do talk to her about this, understand that everyone has their limits. And finally, I think it's true that you have to accept yourself first and foremost before having expectations of others.
Good luck, you seem like a truly sweet guy, so I hope this is the right girl for you!
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