A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner of 3 years and I are engaged, I am feeling so down about myself and insecure over something I have noticed ever since I first got with him. He tells me he loves me very much and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and everyone knows it on facebook. Anyway there is this one girl on his friends list - who may I add is a lesbian whos pictures he always 'likes' and status updates. Granted she is attractive, he told me when we first started dating she always went a night club he went and managed to sleep with her depsite her being gay. She is a artist and writer and as my fiance loves books, he is very interested in the stuff she does and follows her business page. The first comment he made on her picture that I noticed was 'wow' as she posed for a gothic picture, I got upset and questioned him about it and he said its a nice picture of her. I visited her profile the other day and he has liked almost all of her photos and a few of her status updates, she seems witty and funny and I feel like I can't compete and wonder what on earth he is doing with someone like me and hes only with me because I put up with him - thats how I feel. She messaged him happy birthday and her message was the only one that got a 'love' reaction. I read a message she sent to him when we got engaged saying "congratulations, she is beautiful, she is a keeper" so she seems nice and everything but I feel so threatened by her, I'm not as knowledgable about books, films or actors like she is and I find myself comparing myself to her, I just dont feel like my fiance her eyes for just me. I have quizzed him in the past about her asking if he fancies her and he said im being silly and its me he wants and shes a lesbian. I hate feeling so insecure about this, I don't know what to do and don't want to address it again in fear of looking pathetic.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2016): So she is bi-sexual. I think your partner still has strong feelings for her - he is hardly hiding the fact. His behaviour in liking so many pictures of other women is simply disrespectful to you. Ok - the odd one or two but to do this to every single one? No. When we feel bad about the actions of someone we love and care about we try to justify what they are doing in some way - to let them off the hook for it with an excuse. However, we then ignore the fact we are feeling bad. If someone makes us feel bad and continues to do so even though we have told them so then that is a huge red flag. So you need to tackle this subject. You need to decide specifically what it is that bothers you and ask him whether he can see how his actions might make you feel? Ask him to consider how much he wants to dilute his emotions and the fact that he has slept with this woman (lesbian or not is irrelevant) compounds the issue. Ask him how he might feel if you were to pay so much attention still to a man you had previously slept with. If he can genuinely see your point and promises to consider his actions before liking so many pictures of other women - and most importantly actually does what you have asked then there is hope. If he temporarily stops (just to appease you) and then continues he does not care how you feel. Your feelings should really count. They should count more than the feelings of delight other women have when they get a flattering like on facebook from him. Tackling this subject with him does not need to be a confrontation. Maybe as an example "Hey I need to talk to you about something that has been upsetting me a little bit and I hope you can help with.....I'm wondering whether you still have feelings for X ? The reason I ask is that people, including me, have noticed how much attention you pay to her facebook posts". Wait for his response and watch carefully. Let him speak. Watch his body language. This is going to tell you a lot.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (14 September 2016):
 Female anon who said this:
"She clearly either isn't gay, she is bi-sexual ... no lesbian would sleep with a man otherwise.. or."
I respectfully disagree. Like lliften pointed out, many people on their sexual journeys sleep with members of the opposite sex. The experience made them more sure of the fact that their orientation *is* gay/lesbian, or they knew all along, yet they just wanted to. OR, like llifton's FWB, they were blackout drunk, which to be honest I'd be taking serious moral (and legally actionable) issue with the guy who slept with her in that condition.
The thing is - I may be reading into the OP's post a bit too much, but her fiance's lesbian friend saying to him on public Facebook that "She's beautiful, she's a keeper" may very well be a "Give this attention to your fiance" response to all of his attention. Trust me, women who want to get with the guy don't use the word "keeper" about their partners.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2016): Hi I am the original poster. Thank you for the replies. I will add that he is a 'liker' on facebook of girls photos - sometimes his male friends photos if its a good enough photo, I feel like maybe I should start liking guys photos too? I know that of I bring it up he will think I am having a go at him I dont know how to word it correctly.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 September 2016):
 Yeah, your fiancé sounds very braggy and he's feeing his obsession on his crush online. It's possible that during the 3 year relationship, he's telling her about dating you the first time, how in love he is, how now he's so happy to have found the love of his life, all to rub it in her face as an attempt to make her jealous. Any contact with women he has, it's for the sole purpose of rubbing his ego.
It's not really about being witty, knowledgeable that makes a person a great partner. He can have a crush on anyone and admire whatever quality that person has.
He's with you because you accepted his proposal, and because it's glorious to show to everyone online that he succeeded in getting a yes from you. It has got nothing to do with admiration and who's better, who's more beautiful. Your fiancé's behavior about stalking her online is either very insensitive, playing dumb or could care less about how you feel. No, a person who loves you deeply would not drool over someone else. He's living a vain and fantasy life.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (14 September 2016):
 Everything YouWish said. It's not the girl that has done anything wrong. She even complimented him on how wonderful and beautiful you are. She's not interested in him.
I actually have a situation almost identical to this where my Fwb (who is very much gay) had slept with one of her guy friends a while ago. He was single at the time but he now has a fiance. It was a blackout drunk thing for her and she regretted it. They remained close friends afterwards and she just kind of pretended it never happened. Although he on the other hand seemed to have way more feelings involved. He eventually got the hint that she wasn't going to sleep with him again and moved on and met his current fiance. Even now I feel almost certain that if she gave him the green light he would cheat on his fiance in a heartbeat. He still sneaks her around behind his fiancée's back because his fiance has stated numerous times she's not comfortable with their friendship. But he hangs out with her and doesn't tell her. My FWB isn't doing anything wrong as she doesn't want anything from him nor does she have any interest in him more than just purely being friends. But it appears that he wants more.
As was already stated it is your fiance who is acting inappropriately. The girl has done nothing wrong. I would definitely confront him about this and put your foot down. He is behaving inappropriately whether that girl wants it or not.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 September 2016):
Okay, there are three things going on here that I need to address:
1. The fact that she is a lesbian doesn't mean anything in this case. This is a past sexual partner of your fiance's. She's not a platonic lesbian friend. A relationship with past sexual content means it's a sexual relationship without the sex. The label means nothing. The actions mean everything. I just saw a couple of months ago where a woman was cheating on her husband by saying she had a "gay" best friend, which was totally a lie.
2. WHY is he still in contact with her, liking her stuff, actively affirming her on Facebook?? Would he like it if you had an ex-boyfriend or sexual partner on FB with you liking all of his pictures and comments?? It's amazing how a guy can compartmentalize his actions while at the same time getting really jealous when his girlfriend/wife/partner/fiance is getting Facebook cozy with a man she used to sleep with.
Finally:
3. You don't have to compare yourself to ANYONE. Your fiance shouldn't be crowding your relationship with a past sexual partner in the first place, and he's stroking his ego by doing so. If he HAS to hang onto her, then he's not ready for marriage.
Do not compare yourself to her. Her accomplishments and her beauty is not a threat to you. The threat is in your fiance's behavior around her. He's doing it on purpose, calling her a lesbian (I'm sure she is one, or at least "bisexual") so you can't call him out on his baggage, but it's disloyal to you for him to have this ex-sexual partner and be SO into her doings. It's not like she was on his friend list as one among 500 people and he's all but forgotten that she's on there. To me, his actions would be a dealbreaker. I wouldn't give him an ultimatum...I'd break the engagement.
Your insecurities are separate from the issue, but as others have pointed out, you need to work on yourself for having them. It might be at THIS point that he's got inappropriate baggage, but there will be a next time when it *IS* a platonic co-worker, or a distant TRULY platonic high school buddy, or the pretty sister of a friend of his. You need to be to the point where you feel inferior to NO ONE. The fact that you DO feel insecure is the reason why you haven't called your fiance out on his BS when it comes to this particular friend. He's MAKING you feel like it's your problem, like you're the unstable one, and it's not cool.
I'd just look at him and say, "I'm sorry, but I don't marry guys who keep close relationships with past exes or sexual partners. You wouldn't do it if the tables were turned, and I deserve better."
I know you have nothing against her as a person, and she sounds like a great person! It's not her fault. She may have slept with your fiance in the past because she felt like it and now decided that the experience just confirmed that she doesn't care anything for guys in a sexual manner. That's HER. Your FIANCE isn't the lesbian. HE was sexually attracted to her, and her amount of likes and attention he's giving her still shows that he still IS sexually attracted to her. Not acceptable when he has a fiance.
Have you ever thought that maybe your fiance is doing this on purpose to keep you down?? Keeping someone insecure *is* a common power play in a relationship, and a very unhealthy means of covering up his own insecurity and ego need. It's in the same family as never complimenting a girlfriend or mistreating her or ogling other women in front of her on purpose to keep her down. It's a subtle passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse, and it's driven home by making the girl feel like she's crazy or hyper-insecure by saying something in the first place. Forget THAT!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 September 2016):
 You need to work on yourself at the moment. You are insecure about yourself and you need to work on that. The fact that everyone knows about you on facebook should not be a sign that everything is okay, facebook can hide loads of lies and insecurities. So take social media away from it at the moment. You need to work on yourself. Learn to love yourself. If he says he loves you great, if he shows you he loves you and treats you proper then fantastic! Words mean nothing, does he make the effort to make you feel loved and special? You are both engaged to be married, therefore you need to be sure you are both a good match, marriage should not be taking lightly. It does sound like your man is attracted to this friend, but he is also aware that she is a lesbian. The thing is though he is going to be attracted to other women, it would be silly to think that he won't be. I am sure you can appreciate an attractive male, it does not mean you will cheat or be unfaithful.
You visiting her profile is only going to make you more insecure. It seems that they share the same passions, so maybe this is why he is liking her posts. It is okay that you do not have the same knowledge on things that they both do. It does not mean he loves you any less. It is okay for him to have friends, and you need to be able to trust him if this relationship is going to work. You are putting yourself down a lot which tells me you are unhappy, did you have confidence issues before you met him? You say you only put up with him, does that mean he does not make the effort? Does he not do anything for you? The thing is if you keep on at him about this friendship then he will begin to feel suffocated. Do these two actually meet up or is it just over social media? You really do need to take time to love yourself and not put yourself down.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2016): Mmmmm red flags are waving. She clearly either isn't gay, she is bi-sexual ... no lesbian would sleep with a man otherwise.. or.. he is lying about her and she is in fact straight and the lesbian thing is a cover for him to cheat. No flaming wonder you're insecure.... I would be too. I don't know, who told you she is gay???
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2016): I wouldn't put up that,
I think your boyfriend fancies this girl and he would be with her if she would have him, but she likes women more and doesn't want him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2016): Dont worry about it. He may have a crush on her but your man is a man, he will have men thoughts and feelings and they are harmless. I have many guyfriends who love their gfs but also may have a crush on a lesbian friend or a straight female friend, etc. Some of their Gfs may get jealous but some of the GFs are so cool, they laugh and tease their Bf about it and even suggest hang outs. They are open to idea that their man may like other girls and even relish in it because at end of day, youre the lady hes chosen to be with.you're forgetting is that he chosed you and youre the girl he choses to spend rest of his life with. Never take that for granted. Lighten up, stop comparing, and just relax. Have fun, be flirty, be light, be positive. be open to new experiences and show your man he has to continue to keep winning you over and if hes too busy having fun with you, why would he think of anyone else ? =) just have fun sweetheart.
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