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I’m expecting my first child with my boyfriend but he isn’t happy and is calling me a liar!

Tagged as: Health, Pregnancy, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 April 2016) 14 Answers - (Newest, 27 April 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I have recently discovered I'm expecting my first child with my boyfriend of 3 years.

It seems like it would be great news but he isn't happy at all and keeps calling me a liar as I had always believed that I couldn't have children naturally. In a previous relationship, my ex and I had tried for a year with no luck in falling pregnant. After months of tests, I was told that I had PCOS and I wasn't releasing eggs as a woman without would.

When I met my boyfriend, I was very open about this as he has a daughter with his ex wife, and he was always open about wanting more children. He accepted this, and for the first year or so of our relationship, I was using the pill, as more of a normal routine then anything.

When we moved in together, I started to forget to take it every now and again, it may seem stupid but due to moving in with my boyfriend, I needed to be up and ready for work an hour earlier every work day to travel in and I would forget to take it before I left the house. As I never fell pregnant, and knowing that it wasn't likely to happen without help, I stopped taking it, with his knowledge.

In Feb this year, I skipped a period, although I had found this was a symptom of PCOS. So when March came around and I still hadn't had a period in over two months, I went to the doctors to see what was wrong.

He did a urine test for pregnancy which came back positive and ordered blood tests to confirm. I was in such shock, I kept it to myself for a week and the first person I told was my boyfriend's ex wife. It may seem strange but we have become great friends, and I felt I could talk to her about my fears something could go wrong with my pregnancy as she had suffered a miscarriage before their daughter was born. She insisted that I tell my boyfriend, as I was already 10 weeks pregnant by the time I told her.

So I sat my boyfriend down and told him I was expecting. I didn't get the response I wanted at all, in fact we had a fight, and he told me he didn't believe me. I now understand that telling his ex wife of all people before him would have upset him and after we talked about this he appeared to be happy at my pregnancy.

However in the past few weeks, he has questioned not only the pregnancy but whether I had told him the truth that it wasn't likely I could get pregnant. Even on the day of the scan, he didn't appear happy, he didn't ask any questions or request more then one copy of the photo.

When we told our family and friends, he kept repeating that he has no idea we were trying, and it was a complete shock to him. He even told his mum that I had trapped him, which his mother laughed at and didn't believe.

I just don't understand why he wouldn't be happy, he still says he loves me, he still acts like he does, our sex life hasn't changed, if anything he seems to want more sex then ever, and his daughter is really excited. What have I done so wrong?

View related questions: ex-wife, his ex, liar, moved in, my ex, period, sex life, the pill, trapped

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2016):

CindyCares,

thanks for being nice and trying to give me hope(I recognise you are meaning well),but honestly from my point of view hope is better buried and dead. Long gone.

Better and less painful.

Associated problems- yes. Nope, young-ish,but still no chance unless I decide to go for IVF (no chance-way too expensive and still fairly low success rates. Though getting better).

I don't know-that's the thing, I have moved around quite a bit (in the UK) and every doctor has been a bit unsensitive tbh (even females) and have told me straight out that is not possible (even when unable to see/access additional medical history).

Also, a dear friend of mine who never even had periods (and was not trying for a baby) randomly got pregnant.

I am not saying miracles happen often. They sometimes just do. Which is nice of course :)

ps: note that she was trying for a year with no success whatsoever (with a previous bf). Maybe these two are just super-genetically compatible?

Either way, my experience in the UK is actually (overall) quite negative- I mean the 1st doctor who ever told me that I'd never have children (before any definitive test results etc.) was female and told me way back when I was 19 without even taking into account that I was so young at the time(she actually even seem surprised that I started crying! )

Op, as I said take care and consult dr re: hormonal imbalance etc. caused by PCOS

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (26 April 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt Anon female, I don't know what doctors and nurses you have been dealing with but in any case.... change hospital :)

It's not international and it's not the standard line, it's simply BS.

Most women with PCOS can eventually get pregnant , unless PCOS is not also associated with other problems like endometriossis, previous pelvis infections, mature age, etc.

You don't trust me ? You are right, you don't have to. Go check the study on PCOS , and relative summary, performed by Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute, which is part of the USA National Institute for health , and see what it says. This is just to name one study, but the literature and clinical trials and stats on PCOS are abundant.

Surely , the case of the OP who gets pregnant without even tryng , no treatment , no medications, just... sheer luck, is unusual, for most PCOS suffererers the path to pregnancy is harder. But, again, a harder path does not mean a closed path. And most of all, PCOS does not mean, in most cases, that you never ever ovulate. You may not be ovulating for 6/8 months... and then you do, for instance. So the chance of a pregnancy can't be completely sorted out even in lack of specific treatment.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2016):

I don't know...

I have been told (repeatedly) by every doctor, nurse etc. that I am in fact infertile because of PCOS. I think that's the standard line.

So I don't think you intentionally overstated it.

In fact, just recently, I had to have to a full check-up and the nurse was going trough the standard set of questions... She got to "Are you or do you think you might be pregnant? Oh, I can see you have PCOS so you are actually infertile. Sorry" (yes medical professionals can be unprofessional)

The more rare things is that you actually had periods every month (highly unusual for PCOS- I can go 6 months without one).

Anyway, since PCOS has been confirmed by a blood test (means your hormone levels were not normal-i.e. you either have more testosterone or oestrogen than normal) than the pregnancy itself is a minor miracle as well as surviving till this stage. I can understand your worries about miscarriage- much higher risk in women with PCOS (due to the hormonal imbalance).

About the dud- of course he won't be excited. He already left one family behind.

It didn't work out with his first wife and now you know why. Sometimes people change and improve, sometimes they don't.

This may sound judgemental but is in fact anything but because if somebody was telling their mother they are "trapped" coz I'm pregnant, I'd be packing their bags and playing "To The left" by Beyonce really loud when they got back home.

You don't want to be here? Ok, bye bye. I am not holding you in a underground cell with chains around your neck.

Well,that would be my attitude,but you do whatever you need to do to minimise the stress on your pregnancy& enjoy your miracle baby (also, please contact a dr and ask about supplements,managing PCOS during pregnancy etc.)

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (26 April 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt Oops ! fair is fair, so , my apologies, OP, for having overlooked what you stated clearly in your post, that your bf was informed when you stopped taking the pill.

It does not alter substantially , though, the gist of my post. Ok, your bf can't accuse you of having intentionally swindled him, because you did not. But I think he may feel you may have misled him into believing that the improbability of a pregnancy was much higher than in fact was.

Like, it's improbable that an airplane will crash and fall directly on the roof of your house ;as it is also improbable that you may be hit by a car crossing the street in a quiet, low traffic residential neighborhood. But I have never known anybody being victim of the first kind of accident,... while the second is exactly what just happened to a relative of mine.

Maybe your partner feels that he did not have the full picture. And anyway it was an unplanned pregnancy so at first it will feel like something that's been visited upon him , rather that something he really wanted.

But your relationship is loving and solid, and a baby won't dramatically affect your income and lifestyle; so do not demand great shows of unbridled enthusiasm for now, give him time for the news to sink in, and in a little while probably his elation will match yours.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (25 April 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntCongratulations on your pregnancy. I am sure he is shocked at the moment but he will come around. He is probably confused because he thought you could not have children, also I would not blame him being annoyed at you confining in his ex wife first, yes it is great you are both close for his daughters sake, but he should have been told about this news first.

Okay so he might not be over the moon, you both need to sit down and talk, allow him to tell you how he feels and vice versa, it is a shock yes but am sure once he comes around he will be happy. At the moment he is sulking because he feels that you trapped him, I wonder why he feels this way, I wonder why he does not trust you fully. Did you tell him it was likely you could not have a baby or that you would never be able to have one?

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (25 April 2016):

Tisha-1 agony auntThank you, jls022, for pointing out what we missed! And you are right, the OP reported stopping birth control with his knowledge. So, that alters my answer.

Both of you failed to take proper birth control precautions. He assumed you were infertile due to PCOS perhaps, but didn’t take the time to follow up, ask questions about it or use condoms to prevent pregnancy.

You weren’t actively trying to conceive, you just weren’t taking any steps to prevent conceiving. A subtle difference, I guess but in this case I think he thought you COULDN’T get pregnant when in fact it was just less likely than someone your age who didn’t have PCOS.

Explore these details with him and do present your feelings and beliefs, calmly and lovingly, to him so that he understands your point of view. In return, you need to listen to his feelings and beliefs so that you understand his point of view.

This sounds like a complete breakdown in communications and can be resolved if both you work to listen to one another.

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A female reader, jls022 United Kingdom +, writes (25 April 2016):

Oh but telling his ex first was a strange and wrong thing to do. He is your partner so he should be the person you confide in about these things.

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A female reader, jls022 United Kingdom +, writes (25 April 2016):

I think a lot of the other aunts have missed the fact you said you stopped taking the pill WITH his knowledge. Therefore, I think all you are guilty of is assuming that the situation with your PCOS would always stay the same. Yes it was a bit irresponsible and you should have consulted a doctor to find out if stopping your birth control was sensible based on your condition, but the fact is that if your boyfriend was so against the idea of children he should have asked more questions. It's the responsibility of both parties in a relationship to prevent pregnancy, not just one.

I would assume that if he knowingly agreed to stop birth control, then you were both working on a 'what will be will be' basis. Granted that should have been discussed properly, but he did say he wanted more children before he thought you couldn't have any, so it's not a stretch to assume that he would be happy if a miracle were to happen.

Honestly I think it's probably just shock and he'll get over it in time. A very similar thing happened to my cousin and his partner actually. When he was a child he had a testicle removed and caught mumps and he was told by the doctor that there was every likelihood he was infertile. He took that as fact and his gf took his word without double checking and guess what? They now have a 3 year old son. Should they have been a bit more cautious? Yes. Were they shocked when they found out? Hell yes! But I don't think anyone would say that was solely his fault, nor is this yours.

I wish you all the best.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (25 April 2016):

CindyCares agony auntI agree with Tisha . What have you done so wrong ? If you don't get it,...yes, you must suffer from a remarkable lack of imagination.

What you have done wrong, to begin with, is being lackadaisical and " whatever " about your reproductive health. As I am sure your doctors told you, PCOS does not mean that you never ovulate , just that the release of eggs is more random and less frequent. Which makes a pregnancy improbable, maybe, but not impossible.

There's a big difference between the two concepts, luckily what we are talking about is anyway a happy event, a new baby, but some times not knowing the difference between improbable and impossible can cost your life. Like, not waiting for the green light to cross a pedestrian intersection.

Second, not showing the ability to take control of your contracception. Your explanations befits better a surly teenager : " I can't do it because it's hard to remember ": If you really had such a hard time to take your pill on schedule, you could have chosen among many other contracceptive methods that require less of a mental effort .

Third,and worse, deciding to go off the pill without discussing it with your bf or even warning him. If you wanted to take a gamble, you should have realized that this was not only YOUR gamble, one would think you would have asked his opinion about a " what if, just in case " scenario. It takes two persons to make a baby and ideally t both of them should be clearly on board with the idea, or at the very least informed that there COULD be a baby. Your bf had any right to be informed about what could happen and to express his opinion. Denying him this possibility is equivalent to trapping him and putting him in front of a " fait accompli ", ..of cornering him in short, - so no wonder he resents that. His mother and you can laugh and smirk as much as you want, but yes, although maybe it was unintentional, he has been trapped into becoming a father without his express consent. That then , after the first moments of shock and dismay, as a loving, affectionate partner he came around / will come around and become and enthusiastic future dadady... is neither here nor there. The happy end does not deny the fact that he was kept in the dark about something that was very much his business. Big breach of trust.

Finally, that you told the news to his ex wife first ?? Well, that's just bizarre, makes no sense to me, maybe it's one of those impulsive decisions due to sudden hormonal surcharge. But to a non pregnant brain yes, it sounds like a very inappropriate decisison.

So, unluckily the answer to "what did I do wrong" is : plenty.

Luckily it seems that there will be no consequences because this is one of those cases were love conquers it all and at the end of the day , although not elated atm, your bf is accepting and positive about the situation , so all is well that ends well.

But you can impute that only to sheer luck, not to your irreproachable conduct !

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2016):

She stopped taking the pill, WITH his knowledge, at least, according to the question.

It's just shock, OP. Tell him you're just as shocked as he is, but now you two have a baby on the way, so you have to start preparations quick. Congratulations.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2016):

I wholeheartedly agree with all the previous answers. I am very confused as to why you think he would be happy. He's definitely gonna need some time.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (25 April 2016):

Anonymous 123 agony auntWhen you realize that you're pregnant, the first person that you tell is the father of the baby, NOT his ex-wife!! Of course he's pissed! How would you feel if your boyfriend had some big, life-changing news, and shared it with your ex-boyfriend first instead of with you?!

Secondly, you're expecting him to be excited about the pregnancy but keep in mind that this is not only unexpected, its also totally unplanned. Your boyfriend may have been open about wanting more children but when he realized that you probably couldn't give him that, he was fine with that too. Which means that he had started planning his life a certain way, without kids. You were, to his knowledge, not even trying to make a baby, so it was absolutely non-existent in his scheme of things.

Now when you suddenly get pregnant without even informing him that you're off birth control, what do you expect his reaction to be? The birth control was your responsibility, not his, because you weren't using condoms. If a man did this, the woman would come crying to DC saying that he impregnated her without her knowledge and she had no idea. Why then should it be different when it happens to a man? The baby wasn't planned, it wasn't even a distinct possibility, you were both leading your lives, he probably had his life planned out in a certain way...and then suddenly one fine day, you tell him, bam..."guess what, I'm pregnant" and expect him to be happy.

Not just him OP, I don't think any man in his place would be thrilled.

Give him time to deal with the news and meanwhile take care of yourself. Remember, you can get pregnant anytime of the month so always use birth control in the future unless you want unexpected surprises

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (25 April 2016):

Tisha-1 agony auntWhat have you done so wrong, you ask.

First of all, congratulations on the pregnancy. I hope you are taking care of yourself and preparing for the baby.

Let’s just take a moment to examine the dynamics of revealing your pregnancy to that special person.... and you chose your boyfriend’s ex. Okay, while that might be appropriate in some rare cases, the obvious choice for the reveal of the pregnancy seems to me to be your boyfriend! You live together.

So it is a very odd choice to me. You tell your boyfriend’s ex before you tell him. Really?

Right, then we get to the proper use of contraceptives. Some work better for people than others. You have to be in charge of it, if you kept forgetting to take your oral contraceptive on time, surely you knew one of the possible outcomes was pregnancy? Then you stopped taking it altogether? Without advising him?

Would it be fair to say that your boyfriend believed you were in complete control of the birth control situation? You chose not to tell him that you were no longer actively managing contraception. That you stopped taking the birth control pill.

He didn’t think you were trying to get pregnant and now he finds out you didn’t tell him about your decision to stop taking the pill.

What have you done so wrong? Hm. I’d say, not advising him of the change in your birth control usage. That’s well, a MAJOR detail to omit.

If you can’t understand why he’s not happy to learn you stopped taking the pill without advising him and then wound up pregnant, well, let’s just say you might suffer from a lack of imagination. And forethought. And empathy.

What have I done so wrong, you ask. You weren’t honest with him. How can you not get that?

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (25 April 2016):

janniepeg agony auntI've heard a little about PCOS. The percentage of women who trapped their boyfriends is greater than women who have pcos than found out they are pregnant. It's understandable why your boyfriend has his doubts but he loves you enough. Even if the woman had lied and the man got really angry, the relationship will go smooth if the man loves her a lot.

You should never believe anything absolutely. The Maury show has quite a few men who believe they are sterile, as in the statement coming from a doctor, "you have one in a billion chance of becoming a father." Then the end result is of course, "you ARE the father!"

Your boyfriend could also be worried about the finances. Having a baby will add up to his bills.

It's better to take pills at night. The to do list at night is much shorter. Watch some TV, brush your teeth, take the pill, then go to bed. In the morning you rush, then you forget when you needed to concentrate on something else. Tell your boyfriend everything you said here. If there is trust in your relationship he will believe you. Congratulations on your pregnancy. After the baby is born, now you know you always have to take the pill no matter what.

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