A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of 6 years is studying abroad for a year (since mid-September). We’re fairly committed to each other so we are trying to do long distance. We are also fairly sexual people but have only ever really been with each other. We are also both curious about being with other people sexually. So, we agreed to have lots of sexy phone calls, and to try having an open relationship. We agreed that we would always tell each other about any encounters, and that we wait 1 month from when she left before trying anything. We also agreed that any encounters would be purely sexual and not romantic.So after exactly one month, she phoned to say she had made-out with one of her roommates (she was drunk). I told her it was okay with me but that I was bothered that her and I had yet to find any time for those sexy phone calls. She agreed and we had a brief call before she went to bed and since then, we haven’t found time for a second one.Today, she invited a guy over for a study date and now they’re both sleeping in her twin bed (he offered to sleep on the floor). This is totally within our agreement and I’m not necessarily against it, but I’m having a hard time getting it out of my mind. Partly because just sleeping together seems far on the romance side of things, and partly because between were new classmates, 5 roommates, and nearby relatives, she has very little time for me. Meanwhile I’m writing a thesis, mostly working alone, and have never had more time to myself. Should I be so bothered? Should I be worried that she’s going to replace me? Should I try to cancel the open relationship? I’m excited be the concept of an open relationship but I’m not really happy with the current situation.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (20 November 2018):
 I'm glad to hear you have chosen to just go hang out with people and not try and "fuck your way through the time she is overseas" (to put it bluntly).
Adding more people to a relationship RARELY works out. Now you know.
And I don't think you will find anyone you "like better" than her because she is still your #1. I don't think you will either until you break up and move on, which is something neither of you want to do.
Still, working on your social skills in her absence might not be a bad idea.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell.. I'm pretty much convinced that an open relationship was/is a bad idea, but I can't find the rewind button so here we are. The most positive outlook I've come up with is that we will either find people we like better, or decide we need each other.
Meanwhile I've decided to fill my lonely life and cure my crippling social anxiety by making a Tinder account and meeting random people. So far it's gone pretty well. Surprisingly, I'm yet to find anyone whose weirded out by the open relationship idea. Hardly anyone wants to be the side hustle but almost everyone wants to be friends. I've gone out almost every night for the past 2 weeks and my self confidence has gotten alot better. While this open relationship has definitely driven us further apart then we already were, I'm less afraid of being alone in the future. That said, I'm yet to meet anyone that I would want to be with more than my girlfriend.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (30 October 2018):
You need to adopt a dadt approach. If she hooks up with someone she should keep it to herself and you do the same. If and when she comes back anything she did while away stays there and anything you did goes into the memory hole.
When she gets back you can renegotiate the terms of your relationship while face to face.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (29 October 2018):
 This isn’t exciting you is it? You’re not being truthful here at all, every feeling you’ve described as been negative. You can’t forget what you’ve been told and it’s playimg on your mind, does that sound like someone who’s ‘excited’ by what’s happening?
Either tell her you don’t want an open relationship or break up, being realistic, long distance relationships rarely work and you need to realise that, it would be naive to think this will be easy.
If you truly loved each other then there’s no way you could share each other with people outside your relationship. Open relationships don’t sound like they’re for you. Have an honest talk with your GF, get everything into the open then decide whether to break up or move forwards in a LDR between you two only. You don’t sound too into this where as she’s experimenting freely already, think about that and what it means.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (28 October 2018):
As you stated you are not happy with the current situation.Let me be very frank with ....an Open relationship...is living in Fantasy land...a free for all,and never works...Stop and think..in loving and respecting someone does not mean you want to share them..if you do i would certainly question the relationship you have on both sides.Sex is part of loving..but not the whole relationship.Open -relationship do not work,there is always pain,and lack of trust for the future.In a relationship...there is always one person who cares more,than the other person.Are you that person ? If both of you want a open relationship.....is there real love between you or just sex ? Take a good hard think of what is happening.One thing i can tell you people are Never happy in an open relationship.Regards NORA B.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 October 2018):
I think you should be open about how it makes you feel.
And I also think the reason you are up in the air about it now, is because she has BARELY been gone a month and she is already out there "trying" out her new boundaries.
Open relationships can SOUND great in. It can "look" great on paper, so to speak, but the reality is that ADDING more people to a relationship/bed rarely works out.
You both increase the chance of STD's, of pregnancies (she can get knocked up and YOU can knock up someone else) of developing emotions for others, trying out new things with people who are "supposed" to not matter. And let's not forget the OTHER people in these scenario. MAYBE they don't want to be "used" as f-buddies for the two of you. while you and your GF might be UPFRONT about what YOU want... these people MIGHT also develop feelings. They aren't sex-bots. They are human beings.
So IS IT REALLY worth it?
A concept or a fantasy is RARELY the same in reality. As you have now discovered.
WHAT is wrong in NOT having sex with others for a longer periods? You aren't going to DIE from the lack of sex. Maybe a little frustrated but SEX should MEAN something in a relationship.
Also the fact that if you are busy and SHE is SO busy she can't even call you a second time but SHE can hook up with two guys... How long do you really think your relationship will last?
You two are breaking eggs here, to play in the yoke... But the EGGS is YOUR relationship and future. So HOW important is this having sex with others? You haven't had sex with anyone yet, right? So obviously, you CAN do it... but is it worth it? IF you sleep with someone and SHE feels how you feel...
Think about it.
Open relationship RARELY work out. It created more drama, hurt feelings and alienation of your partner then it will do you good. Especially if you two were ONLY with each other for years.
I think, people can do what they want. But for me MORE partners.... it's a bad idea. It's like pissing yourself in winter to keep warm. Sure, it might work for all of 30 seconds and after that... it's ALL regrets.
TALK to her.
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