A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm in love with and engaged to a wonderful man. He is everything and more that I've ever wanted in a partner. It would take me centuries to share how amazing he is and how he worships the ground that my children and I walk on. But there's a problem that's been jabbing at me for the past two years and it's worse now. Deep inside I still have feelings for my narcassistic ex who had more respect for cow sh*t than he did for me. He was very abuse amongst other things. I received an apology card from him today and I do know he's a better man. He put himself into therapy two years ago and from what I've observed of him from a distance and heard from mutual friends, he's turned over a new leaf for the better. He has asked me out to dinner. I want to accept his invitation but that's not right. I'm a disastrous confused basketcase behind all of his. Please help me be rational. I need to make the right choice for everyone involved, not just for myself. Thanks.
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (18 January 2012):
 As you have heard about the changes in his life, he has undoubtedly heard about the changes in yours. He has to have learned from others how happy you are and how wonderful your fiance is. A better man would not create conflict where there was harmony. Is your fiance invited as well?And this isn't just about purging his guilty conscience. Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts have the occasional relapse. That is what this invitation to you is. His own way of falling off the wagon. If he were really trying to make amends he could send a written apology without expecting a response. Your fiance will question your motives if you accept this invitation. He will assume you still have feelings for your ex and that will jeopardise this amazing relationship.The way to rebuild your confidence is to do things that make you proud of yourself.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 January 2012):
 The ex is part of your past, and honestly you need to decide what you want. You can't be engaged to one man and then claim you still love the ex, that is just not fair on your fiance.
You need to take those rose colored glasses of and take a good hard look back at your last relationship and the abuse you went through with the ex. Focus on that and then figure out why you think you still love him. An apology is nice, he did that for HIMSELF not for you. Trust me on that.
And a Narcissist never changes, they just get better at hiding the things they learn other people don't like.
If he is better, then GOOD for him, but really why on Earth would you want to go re-visit that man? Focus on life RIGHT now and the FUTURE and leave the past alone.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 January 2012):
 Oh, and be sure to tell your new wonderful man about this, so he can support you as you finally face the need for your own therapy and healing, okay?
Best wishes to you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 January 2012):
Good for him for getting some help. Alas, it's no longer your concern or your responsibility to be his friend.
I know someone who has an abusive, narcissistic, deluded ex. She's a bit fragile, in terms of how she feels about herself. She's gorgeous but generally lists all her flaws. This ex 'reached out' to her last year and I was amazed to watch her feel guilty for not responding to him! She was feeling guilty for cutting him out of her life.
I can't explain why she feels that way, it seems foreign to me, I think there's something in her, some co-dependency, that found him in the first place and that's why he could still push her buttons.
She needs therapy. She won't get it.
You need therapy. Will you be smarter than my friend? I hope so.
Oh, and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES do you go have dinner or lunch or even a stinkin' cup of coffee with this guy. Do you really want to go back to where you were???? NOOOOO!!!! "Thank you for the contact and the apology. It is good that you are healing. I am healing myself and have moved on, and it is my decision that being in contact with you is no longer in my best interests. Be well, lead a productive and caring life, good bye."
GET HELP!!! NOW!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): "I do know he's a better man." No you don't. You only think he is. If he was a better man he would have stayed away from you and left you alone because you've moved on, but he hasn't so he's selfishly trying to reconcile to clear his conscience.
Do what's best for you, him and your new partner and stay away from him. OP you were his enabler back then, you were part of his problem, if don't you think he will relapse into the person he was then you're a fool and he's even more stupid to have spent all this time getting help only to go back to the very thing that enabled his behaviour. That's like a person who spends years getting over a heroin addiction only to start hanging out with his dealer again.
OP you do know that this idea that he's a better man is the same idiotic feeling that you had when you were with him that he could change for the better. How do his friends know better, has he been in a relationship with them? Have they been in the middle of a long term relationship with him? If no then they will never know. Because I bet he was still a really good friend and person to them even when he was abusing you.
Get rid of him and get rid of him for good. Stop talking about him with mutual friends and just remove him from your life. Some loves we will always have some residual feelings for it's just that profound sometimes. You and he have a bad history and will not have a nice future. Cut all contact with him, history has shown you that you and he are not good for each other. Draw line under this and move on with your new wonderful man because if you're already starting to abuse his trust, if you contact this ex again or let him contact you then you're a cheat because you feel far too strongly for this guy and even meeting for dinner has too much emotion in it to be just a friendly thing. Make your choice OP, but if you go to dinner with this guy then consider your new relationship over unless your new guy is an absolute fool.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): If the man your engaged to was the same description as your ex, and your ex was the nice guy would you still be hung up on your ex then? The nice guy will always finish last. I think as you are so easily distracted you shouldnt be with the present guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): Hi there,
If you were single, or dating casually, it would be easy to say : oh, your ex has changed for the better, you have seen it from a distance and heard it from mutual friends, so give him another chance and go on that dinner date.
HOWEVER, you are not single. You are ENGAGED. Which means, you have made a promise to another man, who you say you are in love with, to marry him. He isn't just any man, he is someone who you describe as "everything and more that I've ever wanted in a partner. It would take me centuries to share how amazing he is and how he worships the ground that my children and I walk on". I loved hearing that, and it makes my heart happy to hear how someone has found that kind of partner, and the love there. (I feel it with my own boyfriend, by the way)
You need to keep that in mind: the centuries it would take for you to describe how amazing he is! Keep that in mind when you get a card from your ex. When you hear from friends how great your ex is doing now. When your ex asks you out for dinner. The answer is simple and easy: your FIANCE is amazing, he is everything you ever wanted in a partner and more! Repeat that every time you hear or have any contact from the ex.
Why? because if you really do truly love your fiance, then your ex is just that: an EX. He had his opportunity, his time, and he ruined it. He hurt you, he disrespected you, he abused you, and he became an ex. Sure, now over time, you remember perhaps only the better times, the feelings associated with that, and the change NOW, but it is TOO LATE. Too little too late. It's wonderful that he went for therapy, that he has changed, and is a different man. You can celebrate that, knowing he is a changed man, and can now make a difference in someone else's life. If he is the father of your children, wonderful, they can enjoy a changed father, for the better. However, that does not mean you disrespect, trample and bury the wonderful man you have in your life now, who loves you and your kids. You need to honour that promise, and who he is, with being true to your word, being faithful and committed to him in every way.
If you are even tempted to go to dinner, or want the ex back due to unfinished business or feelings, cut your fiance loose now, before you shatter him completely. He is gold, and you need to treasure him. For all those years that your ex hurt and abandoned you, your fiance has been there, he stepped up to the plate, he has made you happy beyond your wildest imagination, and you need to reward that. You need to honour him and the future.
Who knows if your ex has changed permanently, or will resort to old behaviour? Don't allow him to come between you and your rainbow future. It's ok to know you loved him once, and still have feelings, you always will, but choose to do the right thing. You can remember him fondly, in the past, and keep it that way, otherwise, this triangle could lead to you losing in more ways than one.
For your wonderful fiance's sake, I hope you do the right thing. You must also be special, because he has chosen YOU to marry :) Good luck to you both, and BE HAPPY.
Best Wishes
xxxx E
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): Don't see him. Stay with your lovely new man. We all have episodes in our life that pass and this is one that you need to consign to history. Tell him you wish him all the best wishes in the world for his future, but you have made a new life. For your own happiness and particularly that of your kids - do not go backwards. Who knows how fragile his recovery may be, but whatever, look forward and be strong.
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