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I'm engaged to my Air Force man, but can't help thinking the distance has made our love fade!

Tagged as: Faded love, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 July 2006) 1 Answers - (Newest, 29 July 2006)
A , * writes:

I am engaged to be married at the beginning of October to my Air Force man, but for the past month or so, I've been having doubts. I thought it was just a case of the jitters or cold feet, so I've been sort of blowing off the thoughts in my head. I thought everything was better recently, but today someone said something that made me question this decision all over again.

It wasn't really even what the person said that got me thinking, but who this person was. A male co-worker of mine gave me a ride home today, and on the way he asked me if my fiance` and I ever pooped in front of each other. I laughed and he said, "if you can poop in front of each other, then you're ready to be married!" I never really answered his question. This co-worker of mine is not a person I will ever talk about my fiance` or my love life around. Mainly because I feel attracted to him. It's not a major crush or anything. It's just that he really knows how to tickle my funny bone. I seem to have a thing for the class clowns. Things probably wouldn't be this way if my fiance` weren't in the Air Force right now. I haven't seen him in two or three months. Developing an eye for the guys would be one thing in these times, but the fact that I've developed a crush on only one person at the moment kind of scares me. I really don't want anything from this guy, even if I was single, he just intrigues me, and makes me laugh, and so I feel attracted to him. I wish I could help it, because I feel guilty and unfaithful, but I can't help how I feel.

That aside, though, it feels like things between me and my fiance` have faded. It may be the distance between us, but I just don't feel the same way anymore. I don't feel that "I would do anything to be with you" feeling. I was reading my journal tonight, and it was only a couple months ago that I was writing about how I wanted so much to be his wife and start our lives together and live happily ever after. Now I'm not so sure. I realize that things aren't really the fairytale I dreamt them to be, and I'm beginning to think that the grass really might be greener on the other side of the fence. Now I don't know if I want to go through with all this. I feel as though I really might be too young and want to go exploring solo for a while before I settle down. What if my dream guy is out there? I wouldn't want to miss out on opportunity for that for something I'm not even sure of. I love my fiance`, though, so how do I justify that?

I am almost certain now that I want to wait longer to get married, but I feel as though it's already too late to change my mind. So much has already been set up for the wedding. We've booked the ceremony site, the reception hall, the catorer, the baker, bought the wedding dress and shoes, and my sisters are planning a bridal shower and have already begun inviting people to it. I know it's not impossible to back out right now, but so much time, money, and effort has been put into this. I almost feel obligated to go through with it. Over a thousand dollars has gone into this whole thing so far! That's money my parents can never get back. I would feel guilty for the rest of my life if I made them do all that for nothing. That, and I don't want to give up a good thing just because I got too scared to commit. I love my fiance`.

Now I'm faced with this horrible dilema that is absolutely eating away at me. I can't talk to anybody because I don't want anyone being judgemental. I could really use someone's help here. Do I take a risk and get married to a man I love? Or do I play it safe and follow my doubts and leave everyone angry and out of money? This is a really tough situation, and it honestly pains me to even have to ask about this. Please help me. Thank you!

View related questions: co-worker, crush, engaged, fiance, money, wedding

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A female reader, Wendyg United Kingdom +, writes (29 July 2006):

Wendyg agony auntFirst off money is just that money, it doesnt buy happiness!

You have to do what is right for you and that its whats right for you deep down. It doesnt matter about money thats insignificant its people that matter. Yes people can get cross about it but thats only natural. The thing here is your happniness, if you really are not sure you should hang back, if things really dont pan out then the money will be lost whatever hun, so if you went through with it and a year down the line really know you made the wrong decision this will end in divorce or you just being plain unhappy at the choice you made, and then if you want to put it that way spent lots of money to realsie that later on! See what im saying ? If you really feel this strongly, and you think that you cant go through with it dont hun, it will only lead to your heartache, its your future not these other people, yes people will be hurt and cross at being out of pocket but at the end of the day they will get over that, but will you get over making the wrong decision something that will change your life forever ? I think the connection type thing you have with the co worker is possibly because you crave that from your man, as hes away at the moment you need something to fill the gap. YOu need to think to yourself, do i love my fiancee but just miss him because hes not there for me and that makes me angry or is it beacause im not ready to be tied to someone yet ? What is it that YOU actually want from life, not what others think or wnat or how they will feel but YOU! Dont go thorugh with something that you know in your heart isnt right. But do try to identify why it is you feel like this, it could be due to him being away and you cant deal with that all the while, or it could be that the two of you have drifted. Do you both want the same thing ? DO you get on pretty well, do you love each other, have you any goals together, how do you feel when aroudn him ? will you always been apart for long periods of time ? is there anything else in your life that would make you feel differently. Maybe have a chat with man based on all these things and see how you feel. I dont have all the answers hun and i dont know what your going through, but all i can advise is to talk to him see if you feel any differently after, and see if you know what you both want, its natural to have doubts its a big step, but if you want something else that your man cant give, then you may have to move, on.. and stop thinking about the money, the money is not a life, yes its an expence, but you dont want the rest of your life to be tarred with that.. focus on you not how far this has got, but how YOU feel, your the only one that knows and your the only one that can do this, dont do something for the sake of others its you that counts.

I wish you well and I hope this works out for you, if you need to talk somemore you know im here and I will he happy to chat to you.

Take care and remember its YOU that matters.

x x

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