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I'm doing all the work in the relationship!

Tagged as: Dating, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 December 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 14 December 2017)
A female India age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I have been dating this guy for 3 months now.

I really love him and feel like he could possible be the one to walk into my future with.

He carries a lot of baggage in regards to sexual abuse, drug abuse and so on.

He is taking anti-depressants and is also in therapy.

My issue is, every time I am with him, i.e I go to his house or spend time with him, he is absolutely fine. He tells me how much he loves me and so on. He is always caring and attentive of me.

But, when I am not there with him, he seems to be a completely different person. So much so that I don't recognise who he is anymore. He will not text or call unless I do. In the past 3 months, I have gone to his house atleast 3 times a week while he has come to my house maybe thrice.

Also, he falls sick very OFTEN. But, I don't know. He has been sick the past week and I keep calling to ask how he is, but not once has he bothered to ask me.

I don't know If I am asking too much.

Every time I tell him that he is hurting me and I deserve some kind of attention, he apologises and says he will do something about it. But, he never does.

What do I do?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 December 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI absolutely agree with YouWish,

He is in NO condition to be in a relationship. He SIMPLY isn't a place where he can GIVE anything. So he takes, takes and takes because he has NOTHING to give.

He isn't in a healthy place mind, body or soul. which means the relationship can't BE healthy either.

You NEED to let him go so HE can improve himself ON his own, you CAN NOT fix the world for him or him. Loving him or caring for him will NOT make him whole or healthy - THAT is something HE has to do.

Wish him well, end it, and in the future date people who are in a right STATE of mind/body/soul to date.

This is too much for you to take on.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (14 December 2017):

YouWish agony auntAt the 3-month mark, a relationship shouldn't BE work. It should be the honeymoon period! The fact that you characterize it as "work" is a red flag right here and now.

Quite simply, this guy is in no condition to even BE in a relationship, much less be at the place mentally and emotionally to be fully engaged in it.

You are NOT his therapist, and his mental illness is making him extremely self-absorbed to the point of utter distraction. You are a means to his care, not a whole person to him. He's with you for how you make HIM feel, not how he feels about you.

You need to choose your boyfriends much more carefully now. High school is over, and one wrong partner can destroy your dreams and your future through abuse, toxicity, drugs, pregnancy, or any number of things.

Time to cut bait and end it. He's not for you. He's not for anyone right now, and you will not change him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2017):

Sorry, I meant to say:

"I agree with Fatherly Advice, it seems the young man you're dating may be suffering relapses from depression; and he is likely to have frequent episodes that take awhile to get over."

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2017):

I agree with Fatherly Advice, it seems the young man you're dating me be suffering relapses from depression; and he is likely to have frequent episodes that take a while to get over.

He's glad to see you, and he's most likely putting on a happy-face for your sake. He's struggling and trying to be what you want him to be; but depression can make you feel quite morose. He's not able to do normal things or concentrate when he feels "sick." He just wants to be left alone.

Yes, you are asking too much when he may be sick for some time. He doesn't feel up to coming to your house. Drug-abuse has taken a lot out of him, and may have left some neurological-damage.

You may have some difficulty getting what you want and need in a relationship from that young man. He has some serious mental-health issues to deal with. He's very young, so drug abuse may have taken a serious toll on his mind and body; and he may not be able to function well enough to meet your expectations.

Telling him he's hurting you only worsens his depression; because he become frustrated trying to snap-out of it. Sweetheart, you can't just snap out of depression. He is trying but he can't help it.

It has only been three months. For someone your age, you can fall in-love in a matter of hours. You have to give him time to get better. It may take awhile. It is likely it will happen a lot. So decide if he's the right guy for you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2017):

Take it as it is and call it quits. It’s early in the relationship. The longer you stay the more it’ll hurt when sh*t hits the fan.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (13 December 2017):

Fatherly Advice agony auntAfter reading the original post, I thought all of those things that are bugging the original poster are symptoms of depression. Sadly depression can last a very long time. These problem will keep coming up.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (13 December 2017):

Denizen agony auntYou have picked the wrong one unless you want to have the future suffering his inability to cope with life. You have dated for three months. That isn't long. Step away unless you want endless hurt and disappointment.

You may have self-sacrifice written into your make up but in the end you will find you will never have given enough.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (13 December 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, real love doesn't happen in only 3 months - you barely know him, which you're starting to realise.

Was he abused or did he sexually abuse someone else?

Is he off drugs now or does he still take them? It could be why he is "sick" so often.

These problems shouldn't be happening yet, especially not so frequently. When you are with him, he tells you what you want to hear. As soon as you leave, he more or less forgets about you.

I think it's best you let this guy go and find one who takes things slowly (you need to, as well!), but will give you the attention you want.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2017):

This guy has issues and your not getting your needs met and nothings going to change anytime soon so you would be better to leave.

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