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I'm devastated after an affair and he will not leave his wife for me

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 June 2013) 5 Answers - (Newest, 11 June 2013)
A female Australia age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi,

I decided to reach out to the users of this site because I am in desperate need of guidance and advice.

I have been in an affair with a married man for exactly one year now. We used to live in the same town and his wife used to live in another state. After Xmas he moved to another city and soon was followed by his wife. I was devastated because we picked his new place together, decorated it together, and he had "plans" to break things off with his old wife but when she lost her job she moved in with him.

I knew right there that I needed to leave him because he had many chances to break things off with his wife (they had only been married for one year and it was for the green card) but knew her for 9 years. I stopped talking to him but he never moved on so he visited me for a weekend and things went right back to square one.

I recently moved overseas for 2 months and when I came back I could tell things were strange. I finally met up with hin this weekend while in a business trip and we ended sleeping together. He told me he had slept with wife and cannot leave her. She is apparently sick now plus divorce is not accepted in his culture and he also cannot leave her for financial reasons because she cannot survive alone.

I was really devastated and broke down because I still have feelings for him and I had asked him before to let me know if he is moving on with his wife. I never slept with anyone while away from him and I also could never give other people a chance to really date me. I really hate this man, I cannot believe he fooled me this whole time. He told me this weekend that he really loves me and that he slept with his wife just because he couldn't always deny her needs. I obviously don't believe that. I just feel like I just got slapped in the face.

He said he didn't know I meant this much to him and he thought I met other people while I was abroad so he chose to get back with his wife. he is asking me now to be friends since we are colleagues and business will make us meet in the future.

I am really devastated, I gave up my virginity to this man. I believed that one day I can be his wife because of the way he used to talk about his wife. I really invested every emotion and now I need help on how to move on. Please help me and please try to understand, the last thing I need is for someone to call me names. I just need practical advice.

I appreciate anyone who will take time to just say anything to help.

View related questions: affair, divorce, married man, move on, moved in

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (11 June 2013):

YouWish agony auntHeh, Anon is dead on. He hid like a coward behind his culture when it comes to divorce, yet adultery is celebrated? Sorry, but don't buy it for a second!

Also, he knew her for 9 years, but the marriage was only for a green card? What a crock.

You were the salve to his ego while he was away from her. Too many guys lose the woman they love, only to find a woman to make themselves feel better.

I'm sorry you went through this. The only real advice I can give you is to stop wasting time with him, thinking about him, pining after him, or feeling sorry for yourself. Also, let this make you wiser, not bitter.

One more thing! You do realize you're all broke up about him because you lost your virginity to him, right? Those nasty bonding chemicals and hormones your body released due to the sex are what has taken you from happy-go-lucky girl to a quiver of jelly. Recognize that, and shake them off of you.

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (11 June 2013):

rcn agony auntHe a man with a mask, meaning that who he presents himself to his family as, is different than who he presents himself to you to be. You got duped. It happens, and it's not the end of the world. Find someone to love you who is not married, and doesn't have the restrictions that someone who is has. As long as you're with a married man, you're with someone who is already lying to himself, so why should you believe that he'll be truthful with you? I'm sorry you experienced this, but maybe this experience has taught you how to avoid it from happening again.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013):

The only practical advice I can offer you is this: stop being his friend; no more sex; recognize him for the liar he is; and move on.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013):

"She is apparently sick now plus divorce is not accepted in his culture" - And I bet cheating is part of his culture.

You knew he was married. You shouldn't have bothered. Whether the marriage was for a green card is irrelevant. Why trust a man who'd marry for that reason and then also cheat?

The best you can do is move on. Don't be friends with this scumbag. Sever your ties with him. You've learned a lesson not to get involved in things as messy as an affair.

Good luck.

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A female reader, Got Issues United Kingdom +, writes (10 June 2013):

Got Issues agony auntA good rule to remember is that anything a married man who is willing to have an affair tells you will be a big fat lie. All that stuff about wanting to leave his wife? A lie. All the stuff about not being able to leave his wife? A lie. All the stuff about not knowing how you felt about him? A lie. Everything he ever told you was a lie, just like he was lying to her at the same time. He is a liar and a waste of skin and oxygen. Who knows how many other affairs he's had or is having.

You knew when you got involved with him that he was married. You're not the first and you certainly won't be the last person to fall for the lies of a married cheat. Never ever get involved with someone who is married, or even separated. Now you know firsthand the kind of pain that he is capable and thinks nothing of causing others. It's a harsh lesson to learn so make sure that you use this experience to work on your self-esteem and to make sure that you never find yourself in a similar situation again.

My practical advice for you is to absolutely not be friends with him, ever. Why would you want to be friends with him when you know what he is capable of, when he has caused you such pain? Every time you look at him you will be reminded of that pain. The best thing would be to tell his wife everything, because she deserves to know and he deserves to be busted, but it's up to you whether you want to open that can of worms. Once you say it you can never go back and she may end up blaming you. But you don't have to keep this quiet. You don't have to be his dirty little secret or feel like you have to hide away. Talk about it if you want. You do not owe him anything. Just be careful of becoming bitter.

Right now your focus is still on him. You need to shift that focus to you, because otherwise he controls your life. You have every right to be angry and sad and hurting, but don't let it go on for too long, don't let it consume or define you. You're not just someone who has been screwed over, you are still you and you have a right to be happy.

It's very very difficult to get over someone and my advice will probably be the same as what anyone else will tell you.

1. No contact. Delete his telephone number, email address, friendship on social networking site etc. Block him if possible. If he tries to call, do not answer. Easier said than done, because you're hurting for him right now, but not impossible.

2. No reminders. Delete every single one of his messages, emails, letters, photos, anything you've ever received from him. Any kind of correspondence between you, any reminders of him, any presents he's given you. Burn his photos if it makes you feel better. Just get every reminder of him out of your house.

3. Fill your life. Go to the gym. Read books. Watch a new TV series, or re-watch an old one (I watched Friends seasons 1-10 after being horribly dumped and it was a great way to take my mind off things). Take up a new sport. Spend time with friends. Volunteer. Put in some extra hours at work. The more you fill your time, the less time you will have to mope over him.

4. Don't think about the good times you had, or even the bad times you had. Every time you start to think about him and about the past, stop. Focus on the present. You are not together. That is all that matters. Repeat that to yourself. You are not together. You are not together, and your life is so much better for it, you just don't see it yet.

5. You could probably do with some counseling. I have a close friend who's had more than one affair with a married man. She's actually a lovely person but she has low self-esteem. She doesn't believe that she deserves a good man of her own and so she settles for being second-best, because that's all you can ever hope for as a mistress. I suspect it may be the same for you. Someone with a strong sense of self-worth would not accept being second-best.

You're already starting to see what a disgusting excuse for a human being this man is. That's good that you recognise that, but all the time you spend thinking about what he did to you could be spent doing things for your life, now.

It will get better, but you have to go through the pain first. It's just a part of life. You have to work through things, you can't just wake up tomorrow and everything be fine. All our experiences shape us and we need time to reflect on them.

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